Thursday, August 21, 2008

Refreshers course

Me: My boobs hurt, and I feel bloated.

Pregnant Emily: It's way too early to have any inklings of pregnancy, it's all in your head.

Me: So me leaking milk is a figment of my imagination?!

Pregnant Emily: Wait, what!?

Me: I may have exaggerated a bit just then.

Pregnant Emily: Jesus.

Me: Well, it definitely feels like there is something going on in there...but it could just be the tacos I ate.

Pregnant Emily: Good God you need help. Listen, you can test on Friday at the earliest, but you may get a false negative.

Me: But, I have all these pregnancy tests in the house, all I want to do is pee on them, like some kind of dog, or a deer, or something else that pees.

Pregnant Emily: I am pretty sure most things pee.

Me: Hey, did you know they sell deer urine at Walmart for, like, hunting? Do you think anyone buys deer urine and tries to pas sit off as their own for drug tests? Oh, maybe I could sell druggies deer urine and pretend it's mine, I could make a fortune!

Pregnant Emily: ...

Me: Anyhow, I better wait until Sunday, so I can enjoy the Annual Corn Festival Beer Tent and fried pickles this Saturday with a clean conscience. Drink 'til it's pink 08 ™, baby!

Pregnant Emily: Wow.

Me: I'm just trying to plan my weekend, Emily.

Pregnant Emily: Enjoy the keg beer while you can, it will be a looong 9 months.

Me: Word. You know, I am not against a test tube baby.

Pregnant Emily: Well, that's good in theory, but they still end up putting it inside you...so you still have to avoid beer.

Me: Wait, so it wasn't physically grown in a test tube? What was all the hype about then?!

Pregnant Emily: Um, it was just the first baby ever made by fertilitzing the egg outside the body then implanting it!

Me: Lame.

55 comments:

Fiesty Charlie said...

Pregnancy sticks scare me...

Melissa damn near blinded me with one, when she pissed on the first stick... by lunging at my eye, screaming, "Look, it is pink!"

Keep in mind this while I was still sleeping....

Women and hormones... who needs 'em?

JenniBeanV said...

Drink 'til it's pink! LOVE THAT!

After my boys were born, my email signature was "Fetus-Free since 2001"

Also? Are you sure you're not just feeling the effects of the great lip infection?

alanna rose said...

Do you take pictures of the ones that turn pink? Because I did.. I wonder what the photo processor person thought about those pictures?

Waiting for you to POAS!!!

Allison said...

Hurry this up so you are ready to drink til it's gone in '09.

thanks.

Tena said...

I like you have an urge to pee on pregnancy sticks, but I know hope that never is the case again! HA HA HA! They are addicitive. Drink till it's pink works, have your heard of my sweet baby M? HA HA HA

Emily said...

I really hope you didn't cave today...I was worrying about your willpower all afternoon.

Jo-Jo said...

Wonder if that giant thing on your lip that took over your blog is another sign? Hummm. Of course that could be the greasy taco's too.

PS: You know when I was prego with Cayden I craved beer!

Emiline said...

Tacos CAN be very misleading.

Good luck to you!

Weith Kick said...

Who's Pregnant Emily? Is she another one of those Cabbage Patch dolls?

kel said...

Still stuck on the taco comment. Did you learn nothing from Chipoltle? Also, I am jealous of your town corn celebration--mostly the keg tent. My town celebation involved no alcohol....except what Sarah smuggled in.

Jennifer said...

Please test ASAP--I can't stand the wait. I'm a POAS addict. If they're in the house--I'll pee on them no matter what. How can you have them there and not be peeing on them?? Good luck!!!

Threeboys1mommy said...

GARRR! I can't tell you how many injuries I've sustained collecting dear urine!

Natalie said...

that pregnant emily...so practical. someone needs to tell her to live a little! (um...i could so be pregnant emily...well...without the pregnancy part...sometimes i am too practical for my own good. this is why i pick fun friends. so the fun part of me which is so in there comes out! drink till it's pink...which in my case will be never again! yeah baby!)

American in Norway said...

I knew the next day I was preggers although it seemed to take for ever for the stick to show it.
Go get your last woo haa in...bet you are PREGGERS...congrats!

Melissa said...

I don't know if you remember but a few weeks ago you said you would write something shocking to get me to go into labor. Well, I'm 38 weeks pregnant and so over this pregnancy I could scream. My ribs feel like they're grinding on cement and I've slept sitting up for a the last week because of the heartburn. Help! Make me laugh so hard my mucus plug shoots across the room and my water breaks on the floor. PLEASE!

And please, enjoy a beer on my behalf. I miss beer, and sex, and jeans with zippers and buttons...

Melissa said...

One more thing I forgot to tell you about: "Orgasmic Childbirth." Talk about making me rethink my plan to have an epidural. No, I'm not making this up.

check it out:
http://www.unassistedchildbirth.com/sensual/orgasmic.html

Please tell me I'm not crazy for thinking this is absolute B.S.

I stole your Prozac said...

I think that recording conversations verbatim may be the best thing ever. when they involve you. and something funny. and exciting.

do you really think you are preggers? Eep! looking forward to Sunday!

lamb said...

u realize now we need to know about ALL your periods until that BFP.

i fucking hate the acronym "BFP."

AJ said...

I totally think by the third time you will know earlier, you know what to look for. Go with your gut! I always drive myself nuts until I take one anyways.

Carolyn...Online said...

I'm sorry... fried pickles?

Judy@nofearentertaining said...

I love that-Drink til it's pink! Good luck to ya!

J.Danger said...

ah! I was pretty excited after your twitter last night!

Oh well, enjoy the beerfest!

Casey said...

So if you pee on the stick doesn't it splash all over your hand just from the sheer force of the pee coming out of the body!? I mean you would think with all of this technology we have we would have something a little less neanderthal/old school and like have a laser beam or some shit mounted to the toilet or something... or like a cloned sheep or dog or somehting that can just smell the urine and know if you're pregnant or not.

Deer urine at Walmart you say? Hmph, Who knew?

Charity said...

I have a new favorite quote now "drink till it's pink '08" since, ya know, I am actually in the same boat as you...trying to get preggo AND trying to cut back on the beer -- just in case.

Or actually in the case of the brands of tests I have it would be:

"microbrew till there's two" OR

"Beer is a mus' till there's a plus"

The sacrifices we moms make, I tell ya!

Mommie Mayhem said...

Drink 'til it's pink !! That is so my new motto !!

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

Umm...I want to be a fly on the wall anywhere you are. You kill me!

ali said...

Awwww...pee sticks. I remember those. I even kept the one that told me I was pregnant with my second baby.

Glitter.

Jennifer said...

Your preggo friend needs to loosen up. Go get her a shot of something!

Deb said...

"Drink 'til it's pink"...so funny and so true!

The Mom said...

OOh I hope you are and it's a girl!

Normally the ultrasound i'm having today would confirm pregnancy...now i'm just trying to confirm, NOT CANCER...maybe a baby cyst or fibroid...TMI? Yeah, probably.

Sra said...

I want to know how they harvest the deer urine.

Aubrey said...

I absolutely knew with my third one. Pee on those sticks honey, pee on those sticks!

Mekhismom said...

I love it drink 'til it's pink o8, and trademarked no less!

Bethany said...

I say.... screw it! Pee on a stick later! Enjoy your beers this weekend, get drunk, have sex, get pregnant (if your not already).... worked for most of the girls in my High School!

Swirl Girl said...

I don't want to tell you what I did before I knew I was preggers with the first kid in 1998. If you knew, it would explain alot about her (and me).

And, with the second one (in 2003) I was in such utter disbelief that I bought the stick at CVS and peed on it right there in the store!

Drink 'til it's pink ....the new PSA !

Brooke said...

Wait a minute. So what you're telling me is that the test-tube baby was not actually a fetus in a jar?

Alright, science. We're through.

Slick said...

I hope I never, EVER see another pregnancy test in my house...

Oh, and the deer urine? I'm not sure it'll be as good at attracting a cute nurse as it is a deer. :)

Anissa@Hope4Peyton said...

Perhaps ditch the test tube baby and go straight for the clone idea. I think they incubate THOSE...of course, that is a CLONE. of you. Food for thought.

Leah said...

You've been tagged! check the post on my site called Unspectacular things.

Heather said...

So not ready for the uterus-ling to get in the way of drinking.

LdybugSammi said...

YES drink till its pink! I know plenty of people who swear by this :)

ps I tagged you in my blog

Jennifer said...

I have presented you with an award! Don't worry, you don't have to do anything with it - just wanted to send some bloggy love your way!

Tasha said...

Deer urine....who knew??!!!

Trooper Thorn said...

Until you are ready to test yourself, you can get some of the deer urine and test to see if donors were pregnant. Keep those sticks handy for other sources of urine to test.

BTW: It's been a long time, but I have put up a nice long chunk of "Dialing". It is likely the penultimate posting.

FlowerGirl said...

Pee sticks make me cry... and cry... and cry...

I think you're on to something with the deer urine... You could get the other deer stuff they sell that attracts females and sell it as an pheremone (sp?) additive to Axe or something...

JennDZ - The Leftover Queen said...

Oh my goodness Britt! I wish you the best of luck in the world! Wonder if it will be a girl? Then your cabbage patch kid is going to feel upset!

Laura said...

I'm dying to know, did you take a test? Well....??? Don't leave a woman hanging!

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

Drink til it's pink! LOL you could so sell that to a brewery. Great ad campaign ;)

Good luck on your test :)

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

Featured on Good Mom/ Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle: http://tinyurl.com/5tal58

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

Featured on Good Mom/ Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle: http://tinyurl.com/5tal58

Rachel said...

You crack me up!!!!! You should totally sell t-shirts that say "Drink Till It's Pink!"

HeatherW said...

OH MY GOSH!!!!!!! Drink 'til it's pink 08 ™, baby!...funniest blog comment ever!!!!!!!!!!!!

Marinka said...

So funny! Found you through GM/BM. That sounds weird.

flickrlovr said...

Good to know your sense of humor is still intact :)

I love the conversation posts. They're DA best.

Hang in there woman!

Norm Schoen said...

I agree, dry-heaving is a WAY below average experience : P