Monday, September 29, 2008

In no particular order...

1. Pft.

I am a tough sell.

I've known this for a while, but after your 8374756382940 Dear John letters, it starts to hit a nerve.

Bottom line.

I curse too much, use lewd language, and set a tone that generally doesn't jive with most publication standards. Especially of the mommy variety. Oh, and PR Firms who consider themselves to have a soul.

I already know this. I all but get an exorcism when I show up to family gatherings, and there is a candle burning 24 hours a day with my name on it in every Catholic church this side of...um...Ohio? (Fuck, that would have been way more convincing had I been able to insert some kind of prominent water source or landmark there.)

But, you know what, women's and parenting magazines and publications? You are fucking kidding yourself. You keep on publishing your lame ass stories about homeopathic diaper rash remedies and how to reconnect with your inner self, and I'll keep posting about eating too much, drinking too much, and the aftermath of pushing actual children out of my birth canal (ie. peeing constantly and freaking out when my husband goes down on me), and I will sleep at night knowing I totally didn't sell out and virginize my shit up to your standards.

And, I am good with that.

Besides, I'd rather wait for the publisher to come around who doesn't blush when I say the word vagina, or wet themselves over the word cock.

Cheers!

2. Oh, and in more important news...fall tv, back in black, bitches!

Let's review.

Gossip Girl...Love you. Truly I do, and I won't even cross over into the dark anorexic territory that is 90210, I am staying strong. Even though, I am not sure if my local CW channel is actually broadcasting from India or what, but the past few weeks, you have been fuzzy as hell. So fuzzy, that every scene where raspy voiced Serena is drinking it up like a Cougar, she totally looks like Blanch from the Golden Girls.

ANTM...Ok, so Isis finally went home. I feel bad for Isis. Not only because the first two skanks who got kicked off were horrible and endlessly offensive to her, but you know she was totally just a Tyra PR tool. Either way, by the time she left, I would have totally forgot she was a dude...if she would have stopped freaking out all the time about her penis coming untapped.

The Office...Hoo-larious. I do wish psycho Jan was gone, but between Holly still thinking Kevin was mentally handicapped, Dwight not saying hello to Pam, and Jim finally manning the fuck up and proposing, it was spectacular.

SNL...dude, your skits have sucked ass. You had ONE good opener, the season premier, the rest of that episode sucked, and everyone since has followed suit. And this Casey Wilson lady...just...bad. You have comedic gold at your electoral fingertips. Use it. Now.

Ugly betty...Painful.

Greys...Finally better, but I am already sick of Izzie. Again. Why do you make her so wishy washy? And, can you please ask Meredith to show up to set with out daily lip injections? It's distracting....and kinda just looks like she always has a cold sore.

How I Met Your Mother...Funny. Nothing as brilliant as Slapsgiving...yet. But, still hilarious. Thank God for NPH.

3. And even more importantly, somebody in this house is both pooping and peeing in the toilet on a semi-not quite regular basis. And, it's not me. Or my husband. So that is fun, but the level of difficulty has increased as I try to wipe poop off a standing toddler, thus coining the phrase, rancid poop hands...because that is what I smell like...for the rest of the day.

4. Lastly, as I type this, my husband is at court, for this.

While I am definitely thinking of him, and hoping it goes swimmingly...I am even more concerned that he remembers to pick up my Sprite and Giant Chewy Sweet Tarts on the way home.

Because that is how I prioritize.

65 comments:

Dejoni said...

Don't sell out!!!
I see nothing wrong with your posts...but then again, I have quite the potty mouth myself.

Average Girl In Average World said...

See, this is why I fucking love you! This is why you are my hero!

Fall TV - the only show we have in common is HIMYM - and Slapsgiving was the BEST episode EVER!!!!

For your hubby's sake right now, I hope he remembers your snacks... that could get ugly...

jill jill bo bill said...

You are real. Fakes can't stomach us. I'm okay with that too.

Jay @halftime lessons said...

Rancid Poop Hands...
I think he may be my next favorite superhero.
And his trust sidekick...
Oozing Pustule Boy.

AJ said...

1. We love you for keeping it real:)

2. GG, LOVE it!
Office, Yay Jim and Pam! Love the Dwight and Angela twist, too.
SNL, I thought the Katie Couric Sarah Palin interview was hilarious this week. Of course, I only watched it on Perez, I can't stay up that late in real life.
Grey's, I'm over Alex's 'disturbed' attitude.
ANTM, I haven't picked a fave yet this year, I was rooting for Isis, maybe Clark now...just because she has a boys name though.

3. Can somebody teach my little man how cook it is not to shit your pants?

4. The Sprite and sweet tarts become even MORE important should things not go swimmingly at court...am I right??

Natalie said...

i totally love giant chewy sweet tarts. and now i am craving them! i ate many when i was at home at christmas. man...this chewy turkish candy just doesn't cut it!

less than two months...i am counting down the days.

April said...

OMG Slapsgiving!!!!

So sad I missed The Office this week :-/ Gotta see if it's online!!!

Please please please don't edit your blog. I <3 your 'tude!

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

Dude...Don't playahate! Seriously those suckas need to CHill! You rock this shit!

Okay so my homeboy came out. It does that.


I agree on Ugly Betty. WTF happened to the charm? And Betty's braces need to come off. Just sayin.

Yea for poo and pee! That is HUGE! Sorry about the poo hands though. Flushable wipes are my lover btw.

Goldfish said...

I only started reading recently. I love it... I'm so glad somebody else thinks this way. (Homeopathic butt-rash remedies make me cringe.) And the toddler-behind-wiping-thing: I tell mine to touch his toes. Makes it so much easier.

ali said...

I haven't watched SNL in years but I'll reconsider if they brink back Toonces the Cat. LOVE The Office!

kel said...

Do Giant Chewy Sweet Tarts taste as good when they're coming from rancid poop hands?

Jo-Jo said...

Maybe these Parently/Mommy mags need to looks at your readers. See that "real" is what they really want!

PalagiGirl said...

I love you just the way you are! Potty mouth and all!

HappyHourSue said...

Please don't ever change. That's why we come here: homegirl is keepin' it real up in the burbs.

best moment of The Office:
Dwight: Just hold it in your mouth, you don't have to swallow..
Michael: (silence)
Jim: Really? Nothing?

Judy@nofearentertaining said...

Would much rather read this than a parenting magazine that I swear I had read before??!!!

Fall TV rocks!

Use diaper wipes on the poop.

Hope hubby fares alright and for F sakes he had better remember the Sweet Tarts!!!

Allison said...

The only reason I even speak to you is because you taught me that it is OK to say cock, fuck, sexytime and vag on my blog.

GG is SO juicy I can't even stand it.

Marie said...

Your posts = Freakin Highlarious!!! Don't change.

I missed a couple of season openers last week. Damnit. Must catch up.

The Mom said...

Don't change a thing you are so REAL!

Tuesday Girl said...

You are my TV twin. I love all of the same shows except I am loving 90210. Give in. It is good.

the MomBabe said...

am totally with you on #1. TOTALLY.

MamaNeena said...

I read you because of how real you are. If you sell out and take away hope for the rest of us mommy writers then I'll just have to come kick your ass. And, I'll do it with homeopathic diaper rash cream! So, relax. You're cool.

Deb said...

You're awesome, and you know it, girl! And nothing beats Slapsgiving. Nothing!

Threeboys1mommy said...

Jan is not going anywhere, that's Michaels baby, I just know it.

The goatie, the retard, the cleanse, was gold, all of it.

Deb said...

One more thing - Cottonelle wet wipes are the best - and they're flushable!

Carolyn...Online said...

I can't watch the new - ridiculous - 90210 without contemplating taking up smoking and anorexia.

American in Norway said...

You go girl...screw 'em... We can't all be good mommys ... Have no input on fall TV because I friggen live in Norway & it will be 2 years before it makes it over here....

DCD said...

I stopped reading all those parenting magazines some time ago. Completely agree that they are just annoying and repetitive.

Plus, I realized that there are MANY more interesting and truthful Moms out there who are not afraid to tell it like it is. Which makes the rest of us heave a sigh of relief that we are not complete psychos! (Psst, I mean Moms like you!)

Keep it up sistah - and send some of those giant chewy Sweet Tarts this way. I love those things!

Raging Dad said...

Yeah, screw them if they don't like the content. Keep it real, girl.

And you should totally be watching 90210. I'd watch Kelly Taylor butter toast.

jenboglass said...

I'm with you on most of your tv pics. I haven't dared to venture 90210 either, but I think that if I watch it on my wide-screen so that it distorts them to make the girls look bigger than they actually are I would be cool with it. You are hilarious.

Aria said...

Hope you used my favorite lines on those editors-- "Fuck you twice!" And I agree about Izzy--she has a backbone only a jellyfish could love. Hope your hubby did ok in court so you don't have to drag the kids down to the jailhouse to "Visit Daddy"... lol You know that I can envision you doing that... anyway, great day to you!

LiteralDan said...

1. The only kind of self-(or other) censorship I will accept from you would be to strike out the actual 4-letter words, which I find very amusing for some reason. I guess I read it like Arrested Development with the bleeping leaving the specifics to your imagination.

But while I understand your frustration (believe me) at not being able to conquer the world with your prose, the world doesn't need more of the same, it needs your voice exactly as it is.

You just have to find the right (paying) venue from which to launch yourself, and meanwhile spend the time honing your skills.
-----
3. Where exactly are you and your husband regularly peeing and pooping if not in the toilet??? The yard? That would send the right kind of message to your neighbor who dared to complain about the results of your sprinkler installation.

Here's a tip: Teach the toddler the "Bend over" command. Try to block out how disturbing it is, and focus instead on how much better your life gets.

Asianmommy said...

I'm with you on SNL. Although Tina Fey is awesome!

lamb said...

"Thank God for NPH."

AMEN!!

Summer said...

so im not married. i dont have kids. i dont write about positive discipline in boring parenting magazines. that being said, maybe my view is a bit wonky. i DO, however, think that you're FUNNY. like, pants pissing funny. so thanks for that.

LuckyMe said...

No Mad Men? Have you tried it? Or do you have to be a boomer to like it?

Tried Gossip Girl while I was painting my toes and could not differentiate one hot young thing from another. I'll try again.

Don't get Ugly Betty.

Grey's was bad last season but better now. Meredith's character is totally unbelievable, so damn whiny and insecure (guess that's the point huh? docs are human) and she is not that attractive, is she? Meow! The story line is better. I love the gorgeous guys, just wish they were a little tougher, ya know? A little too touchy feely for my taste.

I get my Showtime fixes on DVD from the library. Ilove Weeds and now Californification. Actually Weeds was better first two seasons.

And I was not into Always Sunny but i just saw a hysterical episode On Demand called "Human Meat" and now I def want more.

Aubrey said...

I love you! Don't you ever go all Parenting or Women magazine on my ass! Ever.

I never got into GG but I am digging 90210. Come over to the dark side! It the words of Yo Gabba Gabba, "Try It, You'll Like It!"

ParentingPink said...

I've written for a couple of those "parenting" magazines and I can tell you that they need a makeover. I haven't written for them in a while b/c I started to get double vision and a sick stomach as I flipped through the glossy pages and saw the same old crap...literally - "Is Your Toddler's Crap Normal? Take this test to see." or "Newborn's Crap Turns Different Colors."

So, stay true to yourself. That's right! Or, start your own Parenting Magazine - now there's an idea! I'd buy a subscription!

Swirl Girl said...

I would totally subscribe to your magazine.

I am no earth mother who mills her own wheat to bake her own bread...

whatever the fuck milling your own wheat entails - I ain't gonna do it.

Rachel said...

Giant Chewy Sweetarts rock!! They're the perfect teething tool (kidding) :-) Kinda :-) LOL.

Never change, what would we do with a whitewashed, sanitized, G version of Brittany?

LOVE Fall TV. I'm tired of Izzie too, but I think Izzie is tired of Izzie too ;-)

Start a buzz said...

Rancid poopie hands do suck. What sucks just as bad is watching your toddler shit right into your cupped hands because you thought watching her dance in naked delight for five more minutes was funny at the time.

I agree with SNL being horrible now. I used to get so excited to stay up and watch it. They need to do more of the First Person in the History of the World skits. I now only watch because I have a crush on the goofy looking Andy Samberg.

Amanda said...

Well said for all of us!!! Truthfully I don't know where all of those mom's have the time to "find their inner-self, their chi" and all of that. I am looking for clean clothes my kids haven't messed up, things to cook for dinner, ect.
And soooo there with the potty and poppie hands, ugghhh.

How to Party with an Infant said...

Maybe we need to come up with our own parenting mag. Something like "Mom Talk," the magazine for moms who like to say 'cock' and 'vagina,' especially while drinking and having their husband's go down on them.

In stores now.

Petra said...

Hoo-ra, I say let's start up that real-life awesome moms who swear and drink too much parenting magazine!

Now that would be fucking awesome!

Maggie May said...

glad to find your page as is!

Anissa Mayhew said...

I adore your page and if anyone tells you to filter yourself, feel free to offer them a tasty cup of shut the fuck up!

Because you? You rock.

Not Just Any Jen said...

Aww, I love you just how you are! Don't ever change for those bitches. And , umm, wow. You really watch a lot of tv?!? How do you find the time? It sounds like a dream.

Congrats on the peeing popping toddler!! I am really not sure what is worse, diapers or urine everywhere. And it doesn't get better.
Jen

Laef said...

I hearT giant chewy sweet tarts. Speaking of which, have you tried giant chewy nerds? They are in the purple pouch and validate the existence of taste buds.

Except that you can say "Walnuts loves giant chewy (insert candy name here)." and it's totally OK to eat Skittles and cheese for breakfast. Me? I'm a health care professional...

Melissa said...

Thanks for the giggle :) I'm kinda freaking out about my husband going down on my Franken-vagina too.

And I just have to say that the best use of saved up frozen breast milk is to buy you a few hours of drunken bliss. Sorry you're pregnant and can't get drunk :(

Ida said...

Um, did your husband drive to court with a suspended license? In the small town I grew up in, the kids would drive themselves to the DMV to take the driving exam. They only failed you if they caught you!

Emiline said...

I'll probably never be the type that reads parenting magazines. If I have a kid, that is.
I'd much rather read what you have to say.

As for some of this other stuff, it's just hilarious, and I don't know how to respond to it.

Office was great. Ugly Betty was okay. It gets stupid at times. And...I stopped watching Grey's.

Tena said...

Personally I find those parenting magazines over rated and boring after 7 years of parenting, of course they were boring about 2 months after popping the first kid out! I'd take your potty mouth over them any day. Imagine the killing you could make if you made a full blown magazine, telling it like it is, instead of painting everything out to be rosy and peachy keen like those magazines! Go big or go home!!!

P.S. I don't see myself as a sell out because I watch 90210, because I am still watching Gossip Girl as well, maybe it's a sign I am trying to get back to HS drama myself???

Lizzie Bennett said...

I'd do PR for you any day. And I SWEAR I have a soul :).

Shelly... said...

I appreciate your unique perspective on things especially having to do with the female anatomy! Thanks for the laughs and don't change!

Bethany said...

It's nice to know that I'm not the only TV junkie. Although, I hate to say it, I thought I'd H.A.T.E. the new 90210, but I kinda likey.

And I'm also loving privledged (I think only b/c I like that girl from Reba)

Hope he brought the sprite and chewy sweet tarts. That's the least he can do for feeding you that burrito at 7 AM.

Momisodes said...

That's why I come here. Because you're not a sell out.

Sprite and sweet tarts? My lips pucker just thinking about them!

speedymac77 said...

I stumbled here, somehow. I do that - I start something at Point A, then surf to Point B, then HOLY SHIT - where am I?!?? Like driving in the dark without headlights...

WOW - can you curse! - and I am so proud that I have discovered someone that may 1-up me on owing money to the swear jar. I would comment on the whole tv thing but (cringe and maybe not read this part) I do not have tv. Its very peaceful in our house during football season.

Christy said...

Don't sweat it! Your writing is great--you're funny, charming, smart. All of it and more. The right publisher/publication will come along & you'll kick all the others' asses!

J.Danger said...

Tomorrow- Pushing Daisies. I have YOU to thank.

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

Your posts are perfect because they are you. Do not change a thing :)

Sorry bout the rancid poop hands--hoping you don't have the super preggo sense of smell going!

Little House on Green said...

1. Gossip Girl = Awesomeness!

2. ANTM = I cannot believe the tranny is gone, he/she was fabulous.

3. I want a kid, but when you talk about rancid poop hands I am now rethinking that. Other people's poop (hey, that's totally OPP!!!! Yea you know me!) kind of grosses me out.

Tasha said...

ITA with SNL!

OMYWORD! said...

OMFG, I think I found a really fun new place to hang out. Now I have to spend the rest of the day clicking on all your friend's blogs because they probably all cuss as much as I do. I am in heaven. Thank you very much.

I found you over int he comments section at Politigal. See how shit happens?

honkeie2 said...

Nothing wrong with a potty mouth. You should come over to our house, between my wife's trucker mouth, the trucker that liver next door and the mechanic next to him we could peel paint off a church! And nothing is cutier than when little kids do it!

Beadiful Things said...

You are my new hero.

Elisa said...

I love the way you write because your swearing is never pointless, it always part of the flow of the writing. See how good that sounds, how artistic? Add that review to your portfolio, babe ;-) You are awesome, don't ever change no matter how many obnoxious people ask you to do so :-)