Thursday, November 13, 2008

Stink

I love sauerkraut.

Can't get enough of it.

My first pregnancy, my favorite meal was a baked potato covered in fajita steak strips, A1 sauce and sauerkraut.

Yuuuuummmm.

Even now, it's all I think about. Like that slutty cheerleader fantasy from American Beauty, except instead of rose petals, I am totally covered in sauerkraut and beer...oh, and sweetarts.

Hotness.

So, anyways, last night I met up with three friends from high school (one of whom tells me she reads this blog like it's her job, holla Leigh!) for our monthly high school reunion planning meeting at Don Pablos. They could drink, I could not.

Lame.

And, while I usually just opt for the fajitas, I just wasn't feeling it last night. Plus, I didn't need 8 different plates in front of me steaming and burning the shit out of my hand. Nothing looked good.

Waitress: Ready to order?
Me: Do you have anything with sauerkraut in it?
Waitress: This is a Mexican restaurant.
Me: Like a burrito or something?
Waitress: That's disgusting.
Me: You're a whore.
Waitress: ...
Me: I'll take the fish taco.

And let me just say, I consider myself a fish taco expert of sorts, a connessoir, if you will. If I were a judge on Iron Chef, and the secret ingredient was fish taco, I would be the best fucking judge ever.

My brother and I can throw the fuck down on the fish taco. Some fresh halibut, pan grilled with some coarse salt and a squirt of lime in a hot corn tortilla with some fresh tomato, red onion and lettuce, topped with a cool avocado, lime sour cream dressing. Get the fuck in my belly right now.

But Don Pablos' fish taco...the most rank, dry excuse for fish tacos ever. Seriously, they were disgusting, and they smelled so fishy, I literally felt like I smelled like a seaside hooker, just having sat near the plate.

On the way out, I had to pop in the bathroom for a quick whore's bath, for fear I would vomit in my car from smelling myself on the way home.

However, on a note totally unrelated to the fish tacos, I hit a squirrel on the way home last night...I think. It could have also easily been a cat or a chicken, or even a small hairy baby. But of all of those, I value the squirrel the least, so I am going to use it when retelling this story.

So, I hit a squirrel, but I am at peace with it, and it's not like his squirrel kin were there to see it. I don't enjoy taking life, people. But, it was dark and raining. Oh, and I was singing along to A Ha's Take on Me, which everyone knows is one of the best 80's song's ever, anyways, I was just hitting the high note (I'll beeeeee gone...fuck my range is amazing) when I ran over him, so it was like he went out to a serenade of angels, ya know. Who gets to experience that, except maybe, like, the Pope?

Only, and mind you, as a Catholic, I should totally know this, but I think he goes out to Duran Duran's Rio, but still, awesome song.

Lucky bastard.

62 comments:

Goldfish said...

Any story that goes from sauerkraut to fish tacos to whore baths to squirrels to the 80's greatest hits has my undying admiration. Now I just need to get the image of the hairy baby out of my head, and I'll be fine.

Goldfish said...

Any story that goes from sauerkraut to fish tacos to whore baths to squirrels to the 80's greatest hits has my undying admiration. Now I just need to get the image of the hairy baby out of my head, and I'll be fine.

Kristina P. said...

I love fish tacos! I am grateful for fish taconess.

American in Norway said...

I friggen love your blog... & just FYI.. Morten Harket (lead singer from A-Ha) totally goes to the same grocery store as me... (He however, refuses to sing for me no matter how I beg...) Poor little dead animal...

Tiffiney said...

I love sauerkraut to it is sooo yummy...that was so nice of you to serenade the dead animal on his way....lol... :)

The Mom said...

I'm taking you up on that BlogHer roomie thing and you MUST bring the aHa tunes and i'll bring Duran Duran. We'll be SO cool. Trish from MomDot wants to share too, the less coinage the better, i'll sleep in the tub!

Allison said...

Hmmm...I think I was singing I'll Stop The World And Melt With You at the exact time this story occurred. There is something about 80s songs that make you hit those high notes.

Cathy said...

Thanks to Allison, I also read your blog like it's my fucking job ;)

You might enjoy this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HE9OQ4FnkQ

M. Butterfly said...

I was hungry, and as I was reading your blog I was working up the energy to get up, go out, and drive to my favorite Tex-Mex place that has AWESOME fish tacos....

...then I read about your Don Pablo's experience, and read the words "I felt like I smelled a seaside hooker," and yeah, my appetite politely excused itself.

Which is pretty awesome, since I'm trying to lose weight. Your hilarious and awesome tales of nasty food are going to make a skinny of me!

(by the way, after I was done gagging at the idea of smelling seaside hookers, I CRACKED THE FUCK UP. Kudos)

Threeboys1mommy said...

Do they have Wahoo's fish tacos in Ohio... probably not. Too bad so sad.

Renée aka Mekhismom said...

You called the waitress a whore? I hope you didn't eat that fish taco. She probably did unmentionable things to it before giving it to you. That would explain the smell.

Carolyn...Online said...

Don Pablo's is not proper food for a pregnant person. Or a clean person. You'd have been better off eating the squirrel you serenaded to death.

J.Danger said...

That squirrel should be thanking you.

Diane said...

I just want to tell you that you make me laugh out loud with every post. I normally don't comment because you always have, like, 1,436, and I figure 'what's the point... she's tired of reading now.' But today there were only 8 before me, so here I am!

PS... squirrels are simply rats with ambitious tales. Ick.

Brittany said...

Ok, I guess I should clarify I didn't call the waitress a whore...out loudish...to her face.

And I am jealous of people who get to both live in Norway and shop with A Ha...or live in a place that serves good fish tacos...as Ohio Offers me neither.

Kathy said...

I completely outdid you on the animal running-over thing. I killed a groundhog, while its babies looked on in horror from the side of the road. Swear to God. I looked back in my rear view mirror and saw three now-orphaned groundhogs looking toward the road. "Um. Mom? You OK?"

I still feel sick about it. Feel better?

Melissa said...

Need sauerkraut? Try Arby's Reuben sandwich. It's the bomb. During my last pregnancy I made myself Reuben sandwiches at home (with extra kraut) and ate 1-2 per day for over a week before I got sick of them. Then I moved onto green olives. I couldn't get enough.

MamaNeena said...

Isn't there a Tony Packo's near you? Maybe that will satiate your craving!

And, I have never in my life had a fish taco and now I don't think I ever will.

Swirl Girl said...

A Ha's video of the song was the best, too.

..better the squirrel than you my dear!

miko564 said...

Brittany,
You need to stop driving a motor vehicle now!

Obviously it was the smell of sauerkraut and fish that drew the animal from his den in the forest...

Next time it is going to be something like a bear, coyote, or a stern-looking blond man in Lederhosen.

And Germans TOTALLY fuck-up the front-end of your car!

Brooke said...

First of all, A-Ha's Take on Me is the very best song ever. Also one of the best music videos.

Sauerkraut really does it for me too. I love cabbage and I love pickled anything. It was meant to be. I saw a recipe yesterday on the Weight Watchers site for dark chocolate cake that called for sauerkraut. You should check that one out. Sounds like a knocked up lady's dream come true. Maybe with Velveeta frosting and diced onion sprinkles.

LuckyMe said...

Sauerkraut and roast pork in the crockpot - you'll say "I can't believe I ate the whole fucking thing" (your words, not mine).

Fish tacos? in Ohio? seriously?

A-Ha's gonna tour again if they get any more play on the blogs. Did they have another song??

Sarah said...

Mmmmm sauerkraut! Om nom nom!

manic mariah said...

I'd totally kick your ass in a fish taco eating contest. Squirrels are only cute when they are babies or when they have really big balls hanging down, then they're super HOT!

Tuesday Girl said...

I think the squirrels try to commit suicide sometimes, so don't feel bad. He could have just been laid off, his wife may have left him or maybe he couldn't get teh smell of rank fish tacos out of his fur.

AJ said...

Go to the Food Network website and search for sweet and saur cabbage soup. Fing amazing if you're a sauerkraut lover.

AJ said...

Oh...and, I like shredded cabbage on my fish tacos...sometimes I'm lazy and just use coleslaw mix. It's so yummy.

The Hussy Housewife said...

Ok---I HATE sauerkraut and fish tacoes...can we still be friends?
Maybe I will give them another chance at seeing my belly...but I do have A HA "Take on Me" as the number 1 song in my ITunes.
Does that make up for everything?

April said...

oh, no. can you really even call don pablo's mexican? i don't think so...

Lamb said...

fuck. sauerkraut is a fucking GOD. LOVE IT

Jay @halftime lessons said...

You're probably fine. There's a good chance the waitress actually WAS a whore.

Not that there's...well...you know.

kel said...

It could have also been a rabbit. But, hey, it's your whore-ish story....

flickrlovr said...

You are hee-lair-ee-uhs. Thanks for the laughs. I needed 'em today.

jill jill bo bill said...

You have solved the mystery!!! I had my first and last fish tao at Don Pablo's. Must try another place. I really want to love them. And the squirrel was asking for it, running in the road like that. You didn't like drive thru a park did you?

LiteralDan said...

I see Cathy already linked to the literal interpretation of Take On Me, so I don't have to.

I'm assuming you've already seen it, but on the off chance you haven't, you're in for a treat.

All this talk of fish tacos is working as a really good appetite suppressant. So much so that it may even go back in time to suppress meals I've already eaten...

I think, statistically speaking, it is way more likely that you did indeed hit a very hairy baby rather than a squirrel, and this would make you a horrible person if not for the fact that you had so much awesomeness in the bank that you came out still slightly super-cool.

Jonathan said...

HI, this is the squirrel you ran over. Just to let you know there was no seranade of angels but there was a light..so far away. Anyway, I hope your A HA cd melts! Other than that, great post!

Deb said...

You are so funny. I could *feel* how hungry you were writing that post. Sadly, I've never had a fish taco before. And I love tacos and I love fish. Go figure...

Lisa said...

If your baby is half as witty as you are, you're in for a real treat. And I'm not talking sauerkraut either.

I hope you get some really great drugs during your delivery, I'd pay to see, make that "hear" that show.

Beadiful Things said...

small hairy baby...i'm crying over here. crying!

Beadiful Things said...

Ok. Now that I've composed myself:

1. If you really like sauerkraut, go here:

http://beadifulthings.blogspot.com/2007/05/sauerkraut-bread.html

2. I hated Aha, their dumb song, and their even lamer video. But I hope we can still be friends.

Jenni Jiggety said...

Fish tacos??? Really? I think I'd rather eat my toes. Or yours! But fish tacos? No.

Shelly... said...

Sauerkraut--gag! But it's your cravings not mine! Pretty amazed you actually hit the squirrel, they are normally fast little fuckers.

velocibadgergirl said...

Bwahahaha!

Her name is Rio and she dances in the sand!

Ken Albala said...

"Hotness" indeed. I can't get that sauerkraut scene out of my head now.

A delightful blog. Do try making kraut, it's as easy as slicing cabbage, salting and waiting, and one head will make enough to bathe in. I'ce got some basics on my own blog, about a month ago, if you're interested. Ken

Becky said...

You are mildly insane but I think I have a girl crush on you.

Thanks for the laugh YET AGAIN this morning!

Aria said...

OK, so maybe I'll post the real comment later, like when I regain normal breathing, which LMAO has totally made not possible. Thanks Brit, you ARE the Blog Queen in my book!

Dejoni said...

I craved sauerkraut, keilbasa and red beans and rice with my last. It was a girl...maybe no more balls and wieners for you!

beth - total mom haircut said...

Awesome. What amazing range you have:) I read this out loud to my husband.

Fish tacos rock. I need some now.

Might need to add some more 80's to the ipod as well.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

See, I would have pegged you as more of wombat murderer, rather than a mere killer of squirrels. Still, "I'll beeeee gone" has its poignancy regardless of the victim.

Jo-Jo said...

Fish tacos...got to tell that sounds gross...but I don't eat fish.

Laura said...

Try the pork next time at Chipotle. It could have came from our backyard. Chipotle pork all comes from the company we sell too.
From my back yard to your baby!

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

I cannot get good kraut in Texas--best Tex-Mex ever but crappy kraut.
There is a great German restaurant in Columbus where I went to school--Schmidt's I think. They had saur kraut balls--yummy!
Duran Duran ROCKS!

Casey said...

Best blog Ever this is. And I must say I know my blogs. And I would recommend you try my grandma's polish food (we love our sauerkraut(had to google how to spell that cause Its a disgusting word to spell).

At anyrate... Don Pablos = Good. Loma Linda's = Excellent El Camino Real = 25 feet from my house.

JUST so YOU know. : )

Mommie Mayhem said...

Sauerkraut .. Yuck !! Never had a fish taco ... sounds interesting !!

Temple said...

You are so freakin' money! Thanks for the laughs! i am soooo adding you to my list of cool people to read!

Not Just Any Jen said...

Jesus, girl, don't ever stop blogging. you have sheer talent at forcing people to laugh when they just don't feel like it.
Sincere thanks.
Jen

Jennifer said...

Honestly, I'm kinda wondering why didn't take the dead squirrel home, cover it in saurkraut and eat it! In a burrito!!! Then you could very seriously tell people you only kill what you eat. (OMG, I'm totally cracking up that I'm commenting this. Please don't think I'm a total whack job!)
Anyway, my vice during pregnancy was Arby's roast beef sandwiches and cheese sticks. Not fries. Any wonder why I gained 50 pounds???

Regardez Moi said...

This post had me bent over (get your head out of the gutter) laughing to the point of cramps. Also? Fish tacos rule.

Kate said...

what about sauerkraut in a fish taco?
oh and Im toootally stealing 'get the fuck in my belly right now'
thank you.

Raging Dad said...

My goodness, the prenanter you get, the dirtier you talk! Damn you for tainting the American Beauty scene that plays in my head. Sauerkraut. Unbelievable!

Momisodes said...

Sauerkraut actually sounds pretty good right about now. I'm not pregnant though (I think).

But I definitely understand. My first pregnancy? It was guacamole. It had to be smeared onto anything I consumed. Especially fajita steak strips. Yum!

Kristy said...

I'm totally crying right now...that was freaking hysterical! I love when the squirel went out to the serenade of angels...classic!