Keepin' it real in '08

You know, before you have kids, you have this grand notion that, despite the homes of all the other "lazy" parents you know, you will not allow your home to morph into a 24 hour romper room?

Listen. All I am gonna say is, you can only entertain your kids with book ends and coasters for so long.

Eventually, the kid crap is going to start seeping in.

"Hello. Come on in. Don't mind the cars, balls, trucks, rocking horse, teeter totter, giant value box of diapers from Sam's, walker, pack n' play, pillow fort, high chair or train track. Oh, and careful not to step on one of those leggos...they are a killer!"

"A smell? Hmmm...I don't smell anything, but we did misplace a milk sippy last week, and that little rascal has yet to turn up."

"Yep, just move those books, bottles and dirty onsies right over and have yourself a seat. Wait, so that we can talk in peace, let me just put on a movie for them, sorry it's so loud, they chewed the volume button right off the remote last weekend."


You know when you were younger, and you saw moms pushing strollers around, and you thought they looked sloppy in their faded black yoga pants and hair tossed in a messy bun on top of their heads?

You scoffed at their lack of effort, promising to your hubby that you will never let yourself go after you have kids. I mean, if Posh Spice can go to her kid's soccer practice in a mini skirt and 6 inch heels, surely, these everyday moms can pull themselves together. I mean, get a grip ladies.

And then, you pop out a kid or two. Suddenly, your low rise jeans aren't as comfortable (hello muffin top), and you discover it's way easier to chase after a toddler in flip flops than in stilettos.

You freak out a little. Are you becoming that woman? Are you two diaper changes away from mom jeans and a short manageable hair cut?

I mean, how can anyone see my tramp stamp in mom jeans?!

Had to test my suspicions.

"Hunny, do I look cute?"

"Always."

"Put the effing controller down and look at me. Do you think I am dressing too young?"

"I have no idea what that question means, but I think you look hot, come here."

"Stop it. Seriously, do I need a higher rise in my jeans? Do I look like a bad mother?"

"I...um...I am just not really sure where to go with this one. I..."

"Are you saying I look like too much of a tramp to be a good mom?!"

"Wait. What just happened?"

"Oh my God. I look like a hooker mom, like the ones you see on Dr. Phil."

At this point, I am sitting on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. My low rise jeans, clearly doing me a disservice, as my entire butt is hanging out the back.

Just then, a moment of clarity.

My toddler comes up behind me, squats down, pinches my ridiculously exposed bottom, and shouts "cheekies," just like I do when he runs around giggling during diaper changes.

"Hunny, I think I need new jeans...and maybe a sensible haircut."