Monday, February 25, 2008

Semi nude, semi always.

I run a small spray tanning business in town. I spend 20 minutes at a time, airbrushing naked people. Well, not completely naked. I make them keep their panties on. I say it's because it's unsafe to spray the membranes down there, but really, I am uncomfortable spraying at eye level to a poorly shaved landing strip. So, a few times a week, I play Dr Phil to naked adults and/or minors with parental consent.

"Whatever hun, your body looks amazing. Seriously, I have seen way worse."

"Nope, backne is completely normal. See it all the time."

"Can I spray tan abs onto your stomach? Um, ok, but I am not sure how noticeable it would be, I mean, your belly hair is pretty thick."

"What is that, a Betty Boop tattoo? No, it's um, cute, and I am sure has lots of sentimental meaning to you."

"Well, your boobs look like they are the same size to me, you're crazy."

"I would have no idea what the little reddish bumps on your butt are. I actually do not have my medical degree. I am a part time spray tanner. So...yeah, I am not spraying you in a thong again though. Ever."

"Again, I am not a doctor, so I really can't tell you if that mole looks suspicious, unless by suspicious, you mean suspiciously like Jay Leno's head with a long curly black hair growing out of it, but I can't comment on if that is melanoma related. See your doctor. Not your spray tanner."

"I understand you want to look just like Lindsay Lohan, but unfortunately, I don't have a solution that is one part orange paint, one part bad actress. I mean, I can make you look like you've been to the beach, not like a used up child star hooked on Nicorette and kabbalah. Sorry."

"What? You shave your chest? Well I can't tell. I mean, I may see the scabbed over razor burn streaked from your clavicle to your belly button, but it's hardly noticeable."

Dry heaving aside, I enjoy it, and it allows me to venture out of the house, sans kids, a few times a week. An experience alone that leaves me giddy, as I find myself driving into town screaming "Free Falling" a la Jerry Maguire with the windows down.

Yeah, I'm faaaalllliiinnng...


Judy @ No Fear Entertaining said...

The things we will do (with enjoyment as well) to get a bit of time to ourselves???!!!

lambrina said...

I CAN'T even imagine it. The amount of nipple hair you must see every week...

Brittany said...


Noelle said...

Seriously people ask you questions about their bodies? Even if I had a body that I wasn't dead afraid for anyone else to see, I think I'd find a spot on the wall and hope it was over quick.... You poor thing

Heather said...

Your job is one notch above landing-strip installer (seriously, who says, "I wanna wax cooter when I grow up!").

Brittany said...

Well see, that's how it all started. I failed out of cooter waxing school, and the only ones who'd have me are the airbrush tanners. It worked out though, they are a much classier breed:)