Magnum P.I. called...he wants his shorts back.

Listen, guy across the street, I am just as excited that it is spring time as you are. Hell, I am down right giddy about it. But, the thing is, man...your shorts. They are really short. I don't fancy myself a fashion maven, nor do I wish to dictate what people wear in the privacy of their own homes, but seriosuly, when you are outside bending over, doing yard work in your little man shorts, it's unpleasant. I mean, I barely know you, and yet, I already know to much...about things a neighbor just shouldn't know about...unless we were swingers, which we are not...yet. It's almost hypnotic, but in a creepy awkward way. I mean, I know, sometime very soon, something really gross is going to fall out or shift out of place, and it's like a car wreck, I can't stop looking.

You know what, you are a fit older man. You have a great tan, what appears to be a limited amount of body hair (can we all just eww collectively?) and you seem to be really active. Good for you.

But, for the same reason I had to stop wearing my "I'm with Stupid" t-shirt, the time of geriatric short shorts has passed. No amount of Nair or really freakishly tall tube socks is going to change that.

Sorry.

Your tulips look really good though. Very pretty.