Sunday, May 25, 2008

Last night I slept in my bathing suit.

The belt on our dryer broke...again. We need a new dryer. Even the repair guy says we need a new one. We have now spent more fixing our old one, than the cost of a new one. But, do we get a new one? No. We do not. We get fancy shmancy new golf clubs and 52" computer monitor screens. Do I sound bitter? I'm not (yes I am).

I love feeling like Laura Ingles Wilder drying clothes out on the clothes line, especially when I don't have any clothespins, and had to hang up our clothes with chip clips and bobby pins.

Not to mention, laundry has been a little backed up lately, since I have been couch ridden, and I just did a clean the closets overhaul for my aunt's garage sale this weekend, so we basically have no socially acceptable clean clothes at the moment. I spent the day in my mom's scrubs and a tank top, and the boys went pantless...which, they truthfully like better anyways.

All was well until my neighbors dog got out, and I had to walk him back over to their house. He's a big dog, and I really had to lug him along, and apparently, from the force of my pulling, and the mounds of grass he was eating from my backyard, he threw up on the bottom on my pants.

So then, I was left in a tank top and my old maternity overalls.

Until I looked down after spending 30 minutes peeling and deveining shrimp for my fabulous shrimp scampi (see below), and I realized that I smelled like shrimp juice and had bits of poopy shrimp veins down the front of me.

Gagging, I then had to change into an ugly tea length bridesmaid dress from my cousin's outside hippie wedding/soul unification ceremony. It's light blue (like, the sky, man), still smells like hooka, and, delightfully, doesn't zip all the way up anymore.

Hub: Babe, what are you wearing?
Me: We need a new dryer, babe.
Hub: Yeah, I know, but seriosuly, I think that dress may be too sm-
Me: Are you fucking kidding me right now?
Hub: But it's not zipped up in the-
Me: Are you fucking kidding me right now!

I worked all day in that dress. I watered the plants, helped hang the new tire swing, bathed the boys, and ate dinner in that damn dress...and it was at that point, I couldn't suck in anymore, and had to take it off.

So, then I spent the rest of the evening in one of the genius wrap around towels with the velcro on it.

I mean, seriosuly, how long does it take for crap to dry outside? Is it that the clothes line is in the shade? Why didn't I just go to the fucking laundry mat to dry our clothes?

I don't know the answers to these questions.

All I know is, sometime around 3am, my husband brought the youngest to bed with us after he woke up screaming. Now, I am only working on a hunch here, but I would assume the baby was crying because his diaper was soaked, but husband did not realize this before plopping him down in our bed, which led me to wake up soaked in urine from the leaky diaper. Miraculously, husband had not a drop on him.

Hub: Wow, that was a close one.
Me: Get out of my house.

Last night, I slept in my bathing suit. Not even a cute one, like I needed my boobs popping out of a triangle top all night, but the ugly sport one I wore during my lifeguard days.

I woke up with a wedgie and swimmers ear. My husband woke up with a stiff back after spending the remainder of the night on the couch.

Today we are dryer shopping.


Natalie said...

do you even know where a laundromat is? i wouldn't have the foggiest clue where one was around here! happy dryer shopping!

Jan said...

I am laughing out loud, that was so funny. Thanks for sharing.

Politi Gal said...

So...uh...thumbs down on my plans to go green with a new, low-carbon ---no carbon if I go with the bobby pins---footprint "solar powered" dryer?

Guess I'll put the clothespins and rope on the shelf next to the hoodia that doesn't work worth a rat's ass either.

You are pure genius, btw.

Brittany said...

Natalie...Sadly yes, but ONLY because there are only three thingsinmy whole entire town...a market, a dollar store, and a laundry mat. I have only ever been to the market, and I am too scared to go to the laundry mat and look stupid not knowing how to work the machines.

Jan...You are VERY welcome:) I love sharing, what can I say, I a giver.

Politi gal...alas, maybe you would have more luck with your solar powered version, for mine is merely powered by shade and falling bird poop, and as it turns out, neither of those are an energy source. Oh, and btw...back at ya.

Judy @ No Fear Entertaining said...

What was hubby doing for clean clothes...wait I know-he went to Walmart and bought him some new underwear didn't he? Nothing seems to affect them does it?

Have fun dryer shopping!

Amy said...

Those velcro towel things are genius. GENIUS I tell you! Mine is like my pink stripey lady of leisure outfit of choice. All I need to go with it is a kiddie pool and a couple of cocktails.

Laura said...

This is the EXACT reason why I feel the need to own over 100 pairs of underpants, you never know when you'll need them! Have fun dryer shopping!

Julia said...

Love your viewpoint. Soldier are doing a great job. I am in a similar boat. Visit my site.
I haven't yet slept in my swimsuit but have slept many a night fully dressed due to exhaustion.


Michelle said...

Britt, I was going to offer use of my dryer... but then we wouldn't have funny posts to read. :-) Still friends right?

Heather said...

Sigh, why can't all garments have velcro?

Lisa Marie said...

Okay so once again I sit here and laugh my effing ass off!!! While my hub looks at me like I'm on drugs!!! Anyhoo, I so think you need your own reality show. If Denise Richards has one you so can lol A day in the life of Brittany~~~ Oh and can you please not get a new dryer because these are just too funny to stop reading lol

Brittany said...

Judy...Oh no, he has OODLES of clothing options, because every time I go shopping, I am selfless and pick things up for him...because I am a good wife. BUT, he is a little guy, and I can't fit into his pants:(

Amy...Agreed, it was the most comfortable thing ever, I am two seconds away from buying a zip up house dress.

Laura...This is why I need you around, I am not a planner, so I was in no way prepared for the dryer Armageddon.

Julia...Thanks for coming by, and great site! I am always grateful to find a sister in arms!

Michelle...I guess we can still be friends...but barely:)

Heather..I don't know, but i think I am going to Walmart to buy 100 yards of velcro to replace all the zippers on all my pants. It's just easier to function with velcro.

Lisa Marie...i would gladly take my own show, except that I would have to wear a bra so my boobs don't hang to my belly button, and I am not sure I could handle that kind of expectation.