Monday, February 2, 2009

Sometimes life only figuratively stinks.

I have a love/hate relationship with karma.

On one hand, I am all about it rearing it's ugly fist when this old lady took the last Expectant Mother parking spot in front of Babies R Us the other day, and I was all, what the crap, you are old, not pregnant! Karma, you better go after this selfish bastard. But then Karma is all, listen, I have my own shit going on right now that is more pressing than making an old lady, who is 90 with a walker btw, slip on some ice for making you waddle 20 more feet to the door.

Even though, it was so totally farther than 20 more feet, and it was super cold that day, and I am carrying a fragile human life around, all that lady was carrying was a walker and a hip that probably wasn't even originally hers, anyways.

Times like that, karma is a bitch.

But, sometimes, sometimes, the universe throws you a bone, and evens the karmic keel on the people in your life who have been a little douchey to you in the past.

Like my mother in law, Janet. I can best describe my life with Janet as a whole lot of me not quite measuring up, panic attacks, sweaty palms, trying to impress, and then failing miserably.

It happens.

Not everyone has to love everyone else, right? Some of the best comedic stories are based on awkward in-law relationships, Everybody Loves Raymond, Dharma and Greg, Meet the Parents. Comedy gold.

So, when my in-laws come for a visit, like they did yesterday, my life gets a touch anxious. Lots of cleaning, shoving shit in the closets, and looking for long lost diapers. Heck, I even cleaned my carpet. I was in it to win it.

So, it was for that reason, I was sooooo thankful that when we all arrived to our house after a lunch out, that my mother in law was up in the bathroom when my father in law interrupted my husband and I gossiping in the kitchen, to announce our dog had had an accident of epic proportions on our living room.

Henry. What the fuck, man. I let you out 3 times before lunch, and we were only gone an hour!

Son. Of. A. Bitch.

First of all, I had already spent 3 hours cleaning that carpet, and the hell I was going to bend my swollen ass over in front of everyone, to clean up, what can only be described as, puddles of liquid poop, off the carpet. Luckily, my husband is a champ, and took one for the team as I ushered the dog out the door for the remainder of the visit.

20 minutes later, my Janet comes back downstairs.

Hey, who am I to judge, I can be in the bathroom for an hour, but it's mostly because I hide my magazines and taffy in there, and at least it gave us time to scrub and spray the crap out of our carpet.

But, something was amiss. She wasn't in her normal rich person slacks. She was in...um...my maternity jeans?

What the hell, she was definitely wearing my maternity jeans!

And, she goes on to announce that the most embarrassing thing had happened. She had come in the house and had to run right upstairs to the bathroom, as she had the worst diarrhea she had ever experienced, and it was literally running down her leg.

Ok, so aside from that statement being, well, disgusting, and shockingly odd coming from her expensively lipsticked mouth...it suddenly all came together in my head.

I looked at my husband.

He looked at me.

And, because we are so totally soul mates, he got the telepathic message I sent to him screaming...OH MY FUCKING GOD, YOUR MOTHER POOPED ON OUR FLOOR. SHE POOPED. ON OUR FLOOR.

As God as my witness, the woman took a shit on our carpet, and she has no fucking idea it even happened because she had run upstairs so fast.

So now what? Do I say something, like, Um hey, you may not have realized this, but in your haste to run upstairs, you crapped all over our clean carpet, and it's totally awkward that your son just had to spend 20 minutes scrubbing your poop off our floor, and poor Henry the pug has been yelled at and ostracized out back due to your inability to control your colon after a harmless turkey ruben?

Orrrr....do I be the bigger person, and realize, sure, it can be a little demeaning to have your authority constantly undermined, and your lifestyle routinely passed off as petty and not up to par, but hey...at least I didn't poop on her carpet?

I remember when I was in 3rd grade, and I was invited the birthday party of the boy who lived next door. I was one of the only girls there, and we were all in his basement playing hide and seek, and I was so super nervous because my biggest crush ever, Justin, was hiding behind a pile of boxes with me, so I was all giggly and looked super adorable in my new blue dress and white tights.

I had to pee super bad, but the hell I was going to give up my chance to be thisclose to Justin, plus, getting in and out of my tights was a bitch, so I held it, and after, like, 5 minutes of hiding, we got bored, and The Bangles as my witness, I had my first kiss behind those boxes. It was dreamy.

But, in all my excitement, I completely forgot to concentrate on holding my bladder, and I peed right there. On the floor. Next to Justin.

I didn't even give Justin a chance to scream out in disgust. I ran upstairs, grabbed my coat and ran all the way home crying in wet tights. My legs were chapped for a fucking week.

But, despite it being the most embarrassing thing to ever happen in the history of the Earth, no one ever spoke of it. It's like, it never happened.

Sure, Justin never tried to kiss me again, and the memory of my first kiss is forever tainted by the fact that I pissed on the shoes of the first boy who kissed me, but other than that, I was so grateful to have never been teased about the whole humiliating ordeal.

So, even though she makes me cry and feel horrible about myself, I'm not going to tell her she shit on our carpet.

But, I will always know in my heart that it happened.

Plus...it still totally smells like poop up in here.

143 comments:

Loralee Choate said...

Why can't my mother in law poo on my floor, dammit?

Some people have all the luck.

(Pout).

Tenakim said...

If you knew how hard I was laughing/crying right now!!!!

Tears rolling down my face! Your restraint- That is the action of a fucking saint- I am right now on the phone with my canonnization board explaining your unselfishness!!!

cndymkr / jean said...

OH.MY.GOD.

I would have paid good money just to see your expressions!

Jen said...

I'm just going to say that I totally didn't know where that story would go until it got there. I'm not sure I have words to express my reaction when I realized.

Average Girl In Average World said...

Wow!

Oh my.

I am not sure what to say :0

alanna rose said...

You realize you are now Flavor Flav, right?

If it were me, I would just hold that story in my back pocket, and when the time is right - throw it in her face. You are showing so much self-control, good for you!

Theresa Moss said...

First time here. O.M.G. I just got up off the floor. Can I please borrow that story? I must compliment you on holding your tongue with your mother-in-law...and then posting it on the internet. Classic. Well done.

Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

My MIL may call me an emasculating bitch, but she's never shit on my floor. I think I'll keep mine.

Mom Taxi Julie said...

Oh my gawdddd lmao!!

Elisa said...

Oh.My.God.

I'm speachless. Do you know how seldom that happens?

CaJoh said...

I think the dog knew— sometimes animals have this bizarre connection with karma that we don't.

Kelly said...

Oh, it's all good. You know when your in-laws got home, your FIL casually mentioned that your poor pug had an accident on the floor, and then your MIL was all, Hmmm, really? Like a runny accident? Hmmm...that poor dog-- HOLY SHIT! I THINK I POOPED ON THEIR FLOOR!

Sometimes we just don't get to witness karma.

Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

OMG that is PRICELESS!

I am not sure I would have done as good restraining myself in that situation. I hope you don't ask for your pants back. Ewwww

Gotta love Karma!

Aria said...

Karma is totally gonna kiss your ass after letting that one go (figuratively, unlike MIL's literally). Or it's going to let you out of some really heinous shit you did back when we were all using a jumbo can of AquaNet everyday. Either way, karma has a huge ego, so you'll know when it happens. Like when you get an expensive baby-shower gift and the giver makes SURE that everyone knows the gift was from them... Karma is like that; you'll know when you've been rewarded.

Brooke said...

You are so the bigger person here. That's gotta put some good karma back in your column. And besides, you can always play the "you shat on my carpet" card later on if she pisses you off.

Anonymous said...

AHHHHH YESSSSS!!! What goes around comes around for sure. Definately hold that story up your sleeve because for sure you will need to pull it out someday! That is awesome!!!!!

Jo-Jo said...

OH MY FREAKIN GOD!

Gina said...

There's no way I can begin to blog after reading that today. I mean, really...how could I ever follow that??

Heather P said...

OMG that is so gross!!!!

Momo Fali said...

Won't her husband tell her? That way she'll know that you know, and maybe she'll be a little nicer. That way, you may get good mojo and you won't be karma's bitch.

Colleen - Mommy Always Wins said...

Oh holy hell that is so freakin' funny!

I think the cherry on this sundae was that she was wearing MATERNITY JEANS after the poo incident.

I think you could totally get away with about 10 yrs worth of "don't-make-me-tell-everyone-you-poo-story" glares after that one!

Brittany said...

I am wiping tears away. Hilare.

That is a little golden nugget for you to put in your pocket and unleash on that woman as you see fit.

She can't ever hurt you now. Whatever imperfections she finds in you, at least you didn't dribble runny shit all over HER clean carpet.

KelleyO said...

Hilarious! Now that's a memory that will make you feel all warm and fuzzy for years to come!!!

Island Travel Girl said...

Holy. Shit. (and I didn't even mean that as a pun, but seriously, what else could I say but that ?)

I think if I had experienced anything even close to this, I would have had a stroke.

And your living room - it doesn't just smell like poop, babe. It smells like your MIL's poop. Which is just way waaaaaay worse. I am sympathy gagging for you right now.

Judy@nofearentertaining said...

Thank you Brittany!!! I so needed that moment!

Mrs. Gutierrez said...

I would hold on to this story as bribery material FOR DEAR LIFE! This is the stuff of Sienfield without a doubt. You should submit it to a writer somewhere and maybe it will end up on TV someday. :P
Love it!!!

J.Danger said...

Holy shit! Oh man I wish my mother in law would give me this out! Oh my god, I need to feed her whatever you fed her for lunch! Innocent Turkey Ruben my ass! Oh, and your poor dear husband! GROSS.

Lee the MWOB Queen said...

Holy crap!! Okay I didn't quite mean it that uh, literally. But really? This could only happen to you because only YOU could tell this shit so brilliantly? Your man wiping up his own mother's crap yet thinking it was the dog's? What if he had known as he was wiping it up? Could he have done it? What's worse - dog or mom diarrhea? I never ever thought of this question until now but of course mom diarrhea is much much worse! And why exactly?

Oh my - and you peeing on Justin's shoes? This is all too much for my little brain!

This one is epic lady!!

Laura said...

Something very similar happened to me... but it was in the bathroom, with the MIL, like she totally missed the toilet. On the fing wall, cabinet, floor, etc... and rather than the hubby cleaning it up, it was me. This was 2 years ago, I've never said anything, but she knows what happened, I do too, and my children by far get more gifts at any and all holidays.

Emily said...

Oh. My. God. Hilarious.

Allison said...

Let's hope karma doesn't send her a link to your blog. If so, just tell her, stuff like this is worth its weight in gold. It must be written about for all to see.

HeyJoe said...

OK, so my last comment about feeling horny? Scratch that. Nausea has won out this time Doll.

Dana's Brain said...

Jesus, you are the funniest fucking chick I have EVER had the pleasure of being cyber-friends with!! LMAO!

AJ said...

Price. Less.

Evolving Mommy Catherine said...

My MIL drives me crazy. I think I would just hold onto that knowledge and every time she does something terrible to you you'll know that she is not superior to you in any way. You can always know that at least you never pooped on her carpet.

Emily said...

O.M.G. You need to give karma a big hug for that one.

Cheryl said...

DUDE, that was so fucking funny, I almost peed my own pants. Ohh how I wish I had something like that to lord over my mother in law. Lucky!

H.E.Eigler said...

this is officially the last time I read your blog at work...


really


ok, I might be back but not for a while!

tamilyn said...

I can't even tell you how much I was/am laughing! My MIL is not terrible; we aren't like BFF's but she has never said a bad thing about me-that I know of. There are so many layers there-her not knowing she pooped on your floor and that her son cleaned it up, that she took your pants (by the way, what did she do with HER poopy pants?) that your FIL probably put two and two together and has to tell her. Oh my. That if fucking fantastic-well, not your poor carpet-which I think I would be replacing........

Gettysburg Mom said...

It's now going to be one of those kind of awkward evenings when I start laughing out of the blue at the dinner table and my husband asks what's so funny and I try to explain and fail miserably at telling the story and he stares at me oddly like he's questioning his choice of mate for life... but it's worth it for how hard I was just laughing. Thank you!

Amanda said...

OMG!!! That is some funny shit! (literally).

Uggh if I was your husband and realized that I was just scubbing my mom's poop off the floor I would die! (or at least throw up in my mouth)!!

jill jill bo bill said...

I believe I would whiper in FIL's good ear and let him know it wasn't the dog. He probably will never tell her, but he will make sure she keeps her mouth shut. Plus you might get more in the will by keeping quiet and not using it against her. TOO TOO funny!!

DivineENVE said...

So ridiculous... i'm amazed at you for having the willpower to not say anything! I too had a crush in the 3rd grade named Justin. I thought he was going in for a kiss once but he pantsed me instead and ran away! I never forgave him for humiliating me and showing everyone my Wednesday panties. The asshole!

Katrine said...

I had to come back and read this again. It is just that funny!

Sarah Bellum said...

Is it possible that your mother-in-law was at my house yesterday? Otherwise Daisy the pug got yelled at and deserved it.

Cynthia said...

I LOVE your blog. Today I finally logged on after feeding my 6 week old child 7 ounces of formula to make him sleep for at least 5 hours so I could get a few things done around the house and then sat down to catch up on your blog and immediately I was laughing so hard tears were running down my face. Thanks for the comic relief also known as your life!

April said...

wow. a friend (male) of ours (mine and hubs) once bragged about not making it to the bathroom and shitting on his kitchen floor. he was so proud that it rolled down his leg and didn't dirty his pants at all. uhg. i'm glad you spared your MIL - who knows how she would've reacted...

Tiffany said...

Oh my ever loving GOD.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

That is one of my favorite stories of all time. Hands down. Awesome.

Sorry about the lingering poop smell though. That blows.

Ali said...

This is so sweet--in a barefoot foodie kind of way. Seriously!

HappyHourSue said...

ROFLMAO - 2 of the most freakin hilarious stories ever: together in one post. You rock.

zandor said...

Oh. My. Gosh. That is just.. Wow.

Sam_I_am said...

Maybe your FiL will tell her about pooping on the floor. Mine so would lol

Stacey said...

Oh my goodness, I am laughing my ass off right now!!!!! You can't make this shit up right?!?! It reminds me of my mom, who had saurkraut too & totally made my hubby pull over on the side of the road so she could...um well you know! Better there than in my car :) HILARIOUS POST!

Momisodes said...

Holy crap!

So sorry about your carpet, but THAT is comedy gold.

Jenni Jiggety said...

Wow. That's the kind of thing that some people DREAM of...

She can never intimidate you again!

M. Butterfly said...

I am nominating you for a Pulitzer for this post. Just FYI.

Melissa said...

You can't make this stuff up. I must ask what everyone is already thinking... How are you so sure that she won't find out you blogged about this?

SGM said...

I think *I* just pooped on the floor after reading this. So gd funny.

(and omg, I am thrilled/horrified that I actually understood Flavor Flav reference above)

queenofphrump said...

I SO hope she stumbles upon your blog just to read the comments here. Now that would be karmic!

Dejoni said...

Why couldn't this happen to my MIL? You have all the luck. I would take a picture of it and announce it on a billboard in town with neon letters.
It would make me smile from my head to my toes and make all right in the world.
I just LOVE karma.
I'm SO jealous your MIL shit on your carpet!!!!

Keli said...

Poor Henry. He totally took the fall.

Miss Yvonne said...

You must be a bigger person than me (morally, not physically) because I would have totally told her she shit on my carpet and then every damn time she belittled me, I'd just laugh and say "Hey Janet, remember when you shit on my carpet? Yep, good times."

K said...

omg. seriously. are you sure you want to post this story? if this gets back to her you are shunned for sharing. :-)

kel said...

I'm sorry, I quit reading after the "hip that wasn't even originally hers" bit. I quit because I peed my pants. Brown pee. Kind of like a certain someone who may or may not be confused about how awesome you are.

michelle said...

I... It... I mean... I can't even put a clear thought together. I am crying an dlaughing and peeing all at the same time.

You lucky bitch. Why can't my mother in law ever shit herself?

Next time she gets out of line, just casually ask if she has those pants she borrowed from you....

Carolyn...Online said...

Damn girl. At first I was all mad at Karma for saying that you waddle. Which is rude. But then. That karmic gift? Damn. That should last you until, what, until the fetus starts high school.

Lamb said...

i have no words.

your husband deserves every penny of inheritance he has coming to him.

Temple said...

LMAO..holy shit! Or, not so holy shit...

Temple said...

LMAO..holy shit! Or, not so holy shit...

Anonymous said...

Omg...hilarious! Do you think it's possible that Karma has already done it's job? Like she could smell it when she came back downstairs and that's why she 'fessed up? Cause seriously, who would admit that...even to family?!!? Cause if it were me, I would totally make up a crazy-ass story to explain why I was wearing your maternity pants!

Oh and by the way, did you tell her to KEEP the pants?! Eww.

Teri said...

You are absolutely killing me with this story! I can't even imagine how I would have dealt with that. Okay, if it was my ex-MIL, I think I can totally imagine.

This is just too funny.

Meg said...

I have to attend a birthday party for my very difficult MIL on Saturday, and I think THIS (and a generous amount of alcohol) is the story that will keep a pleasant smile on my face all night long.

I'm torn: on the one hand, I'm glad my drama-inclined MIL has never pooped a puddle on our rug. On the other... boy, that would be something to hold over her. Um. Not that I would do that.

ChefDruck said...

If this post wasn't funny enough with just the mother in law part, you had to add your first kiss story too? It totally put me over the edge. I almost pooped on my floor.

the RaMbLeR said...

OMG...K, you just made ME pee my pants...but I'm not in the middle of my first kiss. LOL

If it ever comes about that you KNOW your MIL knows you HAVE to let us know....ya know? ROFL!

Jude Thomas said...

Did someone actually refer to this as a "golden nugget?" If it was a nugget, maybe it would have been easier to clean up! LOL

Please get a new carpet and, if you don't, never NEVER lay your precious baby daughter in that spot no matter how many blankets you have down. Maybe you could make it the new "time out" spot for the other kids. "Kids - now that's enough. Go right to Grandma's poop stain and stay there for 10 minutes." OMG - I'm dying laughing.

And thanks for the comment on Jude's cutest baby contest blog, I can't wait for him to grab the throne and be king for a month.

Anissa Mayhew said...

You ready for this? Somewhere in the world...owned by someone who has a Facebook account but has sworn she'll never post it...is a picture of me having just wet my jeans at Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights. YES there is.

And this was just a couple of years ago. Don't ever go on a roller coaster after drinking heavily, then standing in line for an hour to get on the ride...cause that first drop? IS A BITCH.

Sighhhh.

I love you for posting it....you deserve this moment!

Heather said...

I think my first kiss was in some bushes (I'm a proper lady, after all), but I managed to not piss myself. Justin probably thought you ran screaming because you changed your mind, and is probably still scarred by it, and had no idea that you wet yourself. Otherwise everyone would've been talking about it, right? I mean, wouldn't you?

My MiL has Crohn's disease, so that diarrhea incident is always a fear.

Mariah said...

OH MY GOD!! Junstine kissed you after you peed on him? That's HOT in a really sexy way. Did you say your MIL shit on your clean carpet and you guys blamed the pug? That sucks for the dog

schwartz said...

wow. Holy fucking wow. This just made my day Bananas.

Tuesday Girl said...

best mother in law story ever.

Jenners said...

Holy Mother Of God. I can't believe this happened to you! I can't believe SHE DID NOT KNOW! I can't believe you took the high road (I'm sure she was told by her husband and you will get 1,000,000,000,000,000 extra bonus points). And you always have this to hold onto ... for the rest of your time with her. Whenever she bothers you, all you have to think is "Lady, you took a shit on my carpet."

Shelly... said...

Best story ever. I did not see that one coming! Thank god you didn't have to clean it up. I might have puked right there.

drewg said...

This by far is the best thing I have read anywhere in the last five years. I could not even have imagined a scenario even more hilarious then my mother in law loosening her bowels on my clean carpet.

Carollette said...

OMFG. I am going to be sitting here in cubicle land snickering for the rest of the day after reading this. I'm so pleased to have found this blog. Finally someone who speaks the truth & uses 4 letter words out loud. I bow to you. :)
BTW, you're an MUAer, aren't you? Just asking.. (Its a good thing)

Aria said...

Hey Lady, just wanted to come by and tell you that you've been tagged... Pretty sure it's a new one, so come on over and get the details. Great day to you!

Annie said...

That is too damn funny. Not for your nose or your carpet, but it certainly takes her down a notch.

Annie said...

This beats my crappy poop story hands down. I have to share you on my blog tomorrow! PRICELESS!

beth - Total Mom Haircut said...

I feel like you've earned revenge for anyone with an awful MIT.

beth - Total Mom Haircut said...

Yeah, MIL. I meant MIL.

Beth said...

Oh, good gawd! The worst my MIL has done is opened the door wearing nothing but her undies. And she is sweet. Losing it, but sweet.

Deb said...

Best. Story. Ever.

And I thought I had good MIL stories...feel free to come check out my recent stories.

Man, I'm jealous. I totally need my MIL to do that.

Annie sent me, btw!

Ginger said...

I came over from Annie's blog..she promised us a funny story and damn she was right. I haven't laughed this hard since I read Nikkicrumpets blog about her dog's butt exploding in her truck.

Leah said...

omg that was the best.post.ever!!!!

Brittany said...

Ok, I must know...what is an MUA girl!?!?!?

Traci said...

The fact that there are 95 comments on this post prove it was awesome.

My side hurts from laughing. o.m.g.

babyrocasmama said...

OK, I have the MIL AND SIL from HELL....I have been tortured by them for 20 years. My SIL even called CPS on me when my baby was only 3 mos old {charges COMPLETELY false, I might add}.

Having said that, I would so FUCKING tell my MIL that she shit on my floor, make her apologize to my dog, take off my maternity jeans and pay for a professional carpet cleaning!! I would not hold back...this my dear, is kismet and so totally deserving of being made a big deal out of.

OR you could just make sure someone on that side of the family gets a link to this post...I'm just sayin'...:P

Tiffiney said...

Holy shit that was funny....i am still laughing my bum off....thanks for this post..needed it!! :)

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