Friday, February 6, 2009

Will birth for food...or like, something else totally cool.

Four days since my last post?

Yikes.

I was just skimming someone else's blog roll (because you can tell tons about a person from the shit on her blogroll), and there I was, at the bottom, last post, 4 long ass days ago.

But, in my defense, I have been super busy doing grown up stuff...and by grown up stuff I mean buying crazy huge bras that contain letters no one should buy unless you are Divine, steam cleaning the fuck out of my carpet, working with a fab designer on a complete blog redesign, as well as switch over to the scary world of self hosting (you know, so I can curse, giveaway dildos and post soft core porn pics without the watchful eye of a higher blogger power), and, most importantly, I have decided to scale back my blogging and focus on birthing, full time.

Because, the thing is folks...I want a bigger house.

And loads of other free stuff.

But, most importantly...a big new house. With, like, tons of land. And a barn for horses. But, no ponds, because everyone knows zombies live in ponds and try to bite your toes.

Oh, and it can be anywhere really, but it'd be even awesomer if it could be someplace where I could adopt a sweet accent, so when I came home to visit everyone, they would think I am super exotic with my bad ass new accent.

So, let's be frank.

How many kids do I need to pop out to make this happen?

'Cause I am a super good pusher, and I am fucking awesome at naming things.

My only fear is ending up like my mom's one eye'd pug, Olive.

She had, like, three litters super close together, and then all her hair fell out and now her uterus drags on the ground.

But, then again, if I can have a bunch of kids, get my own show, and then get someone to purchase me and my brood a small estate somewhere, then, it would be ridiculous to assume that someone wouldn't quickly volunteer to hack off all my saggy skin and perk my boobs up free of charge.

Plus, out of complete boredom, my husband keeps emailing links to houses like this, and is all, listen, you need to start making waay more money, so we can buy a house like this. And I am all, doooood, I already told you, these eggs in my ovaries are like money in the bank, and if I just keep on popping out babies and writing about all the shit you tell me I am not allowed to write about, like your mom crapping on our floor, then I just know I'll make a million dollars.

Soooo......that's what I have been up to.

45 comments:

Josh_herrington said...

Oh my gosh you never cease to make me smile. thanks so much for all you do.

Tenakim said...

I'm "someone else's"!!! I've been wondering where you've been you and your saggy fucking uterus! I expected to come here to a new pimped out blog, too!

I think it only works when they're born simultaneously, you know puppy mill style. Let me give you the name of my ethically challenged fertility doctor!

Threeboys1mommy said...

WHAOOOOT!?! MIL pooped on the floor!?! TLC are you listening to this?

Jennifer said...

OMG-I just found your little corner of bloggyland a few days ago and nearly wet myself laughing so hard at your writing! I can totally related to a lot of what you've written which is probably why it's so dang funny! I look forward to reading more of your stuff! I can only imagine what your hubby says about it all!

Lisa-licious said...

Ok, you found my blog through Happy Hour Sue, and commented on my dumb scrapbooking post, and then I came here to YOUR blog, and after reading just one of your posts, am now a fan for life. You are so funny! You are going to BlogHer, too, aren't you? McMommy's roomie, right? We are going to have WAY too much fun!

MamaNeena said...

OMG - you totally have to post pictures of the uterus dog.

Lamb said...

but i dont want to have to hate you like i have to hate Kate. ):

Megryansmom said...

I would be interested in trading one of those big ass houses for the story of your MIL pooping. Well not really, because I don't actually have one of those big ass houses, but I thought that opener might catch your attention. So tell the story already!

Dana's Brain said...

I think Tenakim is right - you gotta have those suckers all at once. Then someone will totally pay for your boob lift - hell, Kate got a tummy tuck and John got hair plugs out of their deal! Why can't you get new boobs?!?

alanna rose said...

HAHAHA!

Tuesday Girl said...

Your uterus doesn't hang to the floor? Luuuccckkkyyyy.

Tiffany @ Lattes And Life said...

So you're gonna be like the Duggars of the REAL world? Well then, you can only choose to move down here to southeast Georgia whith me. Ya'll would fit in PERfectly here in the swamp!

kel said...

Let's make a deal. You give me the giant boobs, I'll give you the giant house I live in. No barn, though. And actually, it's only giant if you compare it to, say, an ant's house. But you would, like, totally come away from SoCal with, like, a fucking killer accent. And plastic surgery is pretty much required for residency here.

April said...

blog makeover, eh? hmmm... i'm not good with change. and how many kids? well... if you're doing them in ones and twos you'll need more than 17 to beat the duggars. although, if you teach them to curse and be hilariously funny, then maybe not quite so many. if you're doing them in litters... then nine. and then another six. or six then nine. and then you can teach them to curse. and you can name the show something dirty sounding. like referencing 69. but, better than that because i'm not creative.

Tiffany said...

You are HILARIOUS girlfriend!

sarah said...

OMG!!! did you see the cali mom on the today show yesterday? i was watching with my mother and was all "holy shit!" (well, i didn't really say holy shit because even though i'm 30 i'm still scared she might uphold that promise to wash my mouth out with soap) but anyway was all "holy shit! she looks like angelina jolie!" then my mom and i diagnosed her (because we sooooo qualified to do that, you know) with the "angelina complex."

so yeah, if you get your own show and the house on land with no pond, my mom and i will totally watch. and probably practice our amateur psychology during each episode. and maybe create a drinking game with all of the times they have to bleep you.

so go for it.

Aria said...

So, when Oprah calls me ~whichshetotallyfuckingwilldonotsayshewontcausethenIllhavetocutyou~ I'll tell her that I will be there, BUT I have to bring you. Viola! Can you say 70 acre spread with the custom home with the adorable self-contained kiddie play yard, barn, horses and no zombie-laden ponds...Either that or you're going to have to go with your original plan, which, let's face it, will take years and UP Your Payout, which is not financially sound planning. Not to mention that you don't strike me as a flowered-cotton-housedress-aunt-jemimah-rag-on-your-head-slipper-footed-mama. You strike me as the yoga-pant-wearing-somewhat-unkempt-but-totally-holding-it-together-well-enough-to-be-seen-in-public kind of mama, so my way will be more conducive to your image.

Also, just so you know, I used to tell my sister when we were little that our pediatrician would bite her toes off when he examined her, just to hear her scream when he came in the room... Suprisingly, we're actually best friends now.

CaJoh said...

Glad to see you back. I feel guilty having a five part post this past week, but hey it's been in the oven since October so it gave me a reprieve from having to come up with a post.

Sounds like a lot of good stuff coming down the pike… can't wait.

Mariah said...

My uterus is dragging on the floor and I don't have a fucking show either. Assholes

Miss Yvonne said...

I don't know if being pregnant for 18 straight years is really worth a big house with a horse barn.

Maybe if they throw in a riding lawn mower...but even then, that's a tough call.

Swirl Girl said...

HGTV Dream Home Giveaway.
In Sonoma California. If I win it, I'll sell the house and keep the good stuff inside of it.

you can visit , saggy uterus and all.

tamilyn said...

My hubby totally loved the MIL crapping on your carpet story, as did my Mom. Pimping yourself for a bigger and better house? Creative idea. We ended the ability to get pregnant 15 years ago after the Drama Queen was born, so I guess this plan won't work for me. I am betting on winning the Powerball or that the Hermit Crab will find a great job after 4 years at a private 'tree hugging' college and take care of her momma in the custom that I should be accustomed to but totally am not.

Mom Taxi Julie said...

Still laughing about MIL. Apparently she doesn't read your blog. Too bad you couldn't squeeze out something foreign like say PUPPIES. Then you'd really be getting the media attention.

STQ said...

Ooh, I used to live in Austin and I would LOVE to come visit you if you lived in one of those...I'll even babysit unless you're an octuplet crazy or somethin. And I don't think I'd buy a house from a guy whose name sounds like Shifty. Kinda creepy to me. Happy birthin, and glad you posted again! I've missed ya.

Jenni Jiggety said...

It is a shame you've only got one in there right now. You know if you want to make the news and get a big house...you HAVE to go for 9 at once now. With a BONUS pool house if you think there are only 8 the whole time and it turns out that there are 9.

Allison said...

Or...we could do a show about how your raise your brood in a one bedroom. It's on the beach so that's a plus...Let me know what you think.

J.Danger said...

you could always be like that mom from whittier who is unemployed, unmarried, and lives at home? She got a TON of money from the state and now is getting a TON of money from the media. Or you could just change your last name to Duggar and call mormonism exotic. Either way, you're good.

Food, she thought. said...

honestly, if Kate had one iota of your sense of humor I wouldn't consider her simply the host of a vaginal clown car.

Dejoni said...

You need to write a book. OMFG...it would sell a gazillion copies. Then you can move to Kentucky where you can get our sweet ass accent and if your MIL shits on your carpet it's no big deal 'cause we all have crazier than a shit house rat family.
You'd fit right in!

Cheryl said...

Woman, you KILL ME, totally. Seriously!

Jamie said...

I second the book idea. But do books around 50 pages. That way you could do a SERIES (of completely unrelated things) and then all of your adoring fans could come to your book signings, and you would get paid to tour, aaaaaand you could get huge paychecks upfront since you will pop-out bestseller after bestseller!

Laura said...

my hubby and I have totally agreed that TLC would be much better with "American Hog Farmer", or "Laura and Case plus two", or I could totally do the "Baby Story, Make Room for Baby, and Bringing Home Baby" all in one show.
If you get any real contacts at TLC, hook me up!

HeyJoe said...

What the hell kind of a name is Cord Shiflet? Though I do like his tag line; "I sell homes I could never afford."

Mia Watts said...

Am disgustedly pleased to have located your blog. Am also pleased to note the birthplace of zombies as have always believed they were the carcasses of old boyfriends smited. Have you an answer for the grasping claws of death beneath my bed I must leap over in the middle of the night?

michelle said...

Oh My GAWD! I don't think there are enough drugs in creation to let me maintain the sanity required to raise a brood that would result in a big-ass-for-free-cause-you-popped-out-18-kids house? And even if it was big and free, you still have to like, live there. With all those kids. And be their mother. Yeah, no. Thanks. I prefer my nice regular and expensive house with my two kids I can barely manage-thank-you-very-much.

Anissa Mayhew said...

Hmmm, let me think about places that might have lots of WIDE OPEN spaces and land and places for you to raise your alpaca....I mean, kids...and have that big golden mansion on the hill.

Where could you do THAT?

Raging Dad said...

Fuck! Zombies live in PONDS too?!?!

LiteralDan said...

If you get someone to pay you for it, let me know, because I could definitely use the house money.

Your life sounds a lot like mine, except I haven't been blessed with any floor poop, and I don't actually have to pop the kids out, personally.

jill jill bo bill said...

You have to SIX kids at home and move in with your parents and divorce the hub before you will get recognition. HellOOOO. Everyone knows that's how to get it done.

Annie said...

When you move in there,I'll take a room with a pool view.

Tiffiney said...

Ha..i have four kids and no big estate yet...good luck on getting yours...lol!! :)

Ida said...

So, does this mean ya'll are thinking of moving to Texas??

Anonymous said...

It's good! luxury watch?
wrist watches?

Anonymous said...

crazy idea i know but how do u think credit cruch affected porn?


----------------
kelly divine

Anonymous said...

A wide fitness program tailored to an solitary wishes probably focus on one or more definitive skills, and on age-[3] or health-related needs such as bone health.[4] Numberless sources[citation needed] also cite noetic, social and nervous constitution as an substantial ingredient of all-inclusive fitness. This is over presented in textbooks as a triangle made up of three points, which impersonate solid, nervous, and mental fitness. Bones seemliness can also forestall or investigate numerous chronic health conditions brought on by way of insalubrious lifestyle or aging.[5] Working unconfined can also help people sleep better. To live vigorous it is important to preoccupy in material activity.
Training

Specific or task-oriented [url=http://www.pella.pl]fitness[/url] is a living soul's ability to complete in a specific activity with a sober expertness: as example, sports or military service. Specific training prepares athletes to respond well in their sports.

Examples are:

400 m sprint: in a sprint the athlete requirement be trained to redundant anaerobically all the way through the race.
Marathon: in this wrapper the athlete must be trained to being done aerobically and their perseverance must be built-up to a maximum.
Divers blazing fighters and constabulary officers bear unvarying aptness testing to end if they are qualified of the physically hard tasks required of the job.
Members of the United States Army and Army Governmental Look after must be proficient to pass the Army Material Fitness Test (APFT).