Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Got change for a dollar?

If you have ever been pregnant, you can relate that the first few months are stressful, meaning, you are in a state of constant miscarriage worry.

You worry about even the slightest cramp.

You stare at the toilet paper after every wipe, looking for even the slightest twinge of pink.

You think "Wait...I don't feel like vomitting...Oh My God, what's wrong with the baby!?"

You become a psychopath. So, in an effort to tone down the crazy, and to convince my husband he could continue to live with me for the remainder of my first pregnancy, I began researching dopplers, this way, I could listen for the heartbeat every second of everyday in the comfort of my own home. Apparently...you need your OB's permission to rent a doppler, and my OB, clearly seeing I was a lunatic, opted to not sign the required permission slip. Bitch!

Out of desperation, I bought myself a lame ass fetal heart monitor from Target, the thing promised that some woman were able to hear the heart as soon as 12 weeks. I took it straight home to find the heartbeat of my potentially miscarried fetus. My husband found me an hour later, bawling my eyes out on the bedroom floor, after contorting myself into numerous cirque de soleil-esque positions trying to find the damn heartbeat, but all I heard were my own intestines taking care of the Taco Bell I ate earlier. I even tried using some ultrasound gel...ok...it wasn't ultrasound gel, exactly...more like some old strawberry flavored lube I had on hand...but, the point is, it still didn't work. Drat. Fooled again pregnancy Gods.

So, I now use the cheapo monitor for other medicinal purposes.

Which brings me to the point of this long tale.

Yesterday, my youngest possibly swallowed a coin. And because being rash is kinda my M.O., I proceeded to freak out that it would get lodged in his innards, and would require some scary emergency surgery. I called the Dr, and he was so laissez faire about the whole ordeal, telling me to just "keep an eye on him." Keep an eye on him!? That is your advice? What if he is allergic to coin, and goes into shock? Or it gets stuck and suddenly his bowels explode?

Rational, I know.

I decided to take matters into my own hand. I got out the doppler and my trusty ultrasound lube, and went to work listening to his insides, looking for signs of coin related distress.

Hmm...everything seemed to be swishing around ok in there.

I even had hubby shake him around a bit, seeing if I could hear a jingle...nothing.

Guess I'll just keep an eye on him.

7 comments:

BunnyMendelbaum said...

So you are saying you rubbed 2 year old strawberry lube on your child?
I'm emailing this post to the authorities!
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Britt you crack me up!

Brittany said...

Yes. Yes I did.

Judy @ No Fear Entertaining said...

So funny but from experience (ahem) I can tell you that you will here it when it plunks into the toilet and the scrappy sound it makes as it is being flushed. Once you hear all of this you can safely put away your heart monitor! Mine swallowed stones and plum pits and they survived.

lambrina said...

so i can officially stop bugging my husband to finish up the mint lube knowing it won't go to waste

Emily said...

OMG, A needs to take that thing away from you and hide it! Poor W...

Lori said...

LOL, your way w/words is hilarious!!!

And I'm glad he's ok!

Heather said...

I lolled at the lube.

I used to choke on all kinds of shit. I got a jack stuck in my throat once. Luckily the gaps between the metal prongs allowed me to breathe until my mom could bitch-slap it out of me.