Sunday, May 18, 2008

Dear Husband,

You are never around anymore, as the weather is beautiful, and you have since moved on to your summer home at the golf green, so I decided to write you this letter to keep you up to date on the haps (I heard it on Teen Disney, pretty hip, huh), since I know you secretly scan this blog on your blackberry, looking for the latest smear witty joke at your expense. Alas, I got nothing. Besides, I know you work super hard and long (that's what she said), you definitely deserve some time out of the house.

I mean, I like being alone here with the boys...all the time. I don't need to talk to people my age, people who drink out of cups without nipples attached, eat things other than goldfish and paper, and who don't sit around with crap in their pants and look to me to do something about it. interaction is overrated. Besides, even when you surprise me by coming home at a decent hour, and announce I can go take some "me time," I pussy out, as I am hardly ever presentable to go anywhere without kids, being left on my own to explain the syrup in my hair, or Mickey tattoo on my hand? Plus, even when given the chance, I always get a mad case of Stockholm Syndrome. Ugh...I am a martyr...just leave me alone with my aching back, my eye bags and my filth.

I totally didn't even get mad yesterday when you came home with a burrito and a milkshake, and totally forgot to get me anything. What with golf scores and thoughts of the cute beer cart girl dancing in your head (she is a cutie, but just remember, a. she is probably 12 and b. one of my best friends is a lawyer), it's a wonder you even can remember your way home. Besides, the boys and I had a lunch of free samples at Sam's Club earlier, so we are stuffed.

Developments around the house, let's see...

1. Our oldest can now say the word "shit." And, ya know, it's crazy, because I sat there for like an hour dangling a Teddy Graham in front of his face trying to get him to say the word "please," and...nothing. But, I only had to say "God damn it, Henry shit all over the God damned fucking floor" once, and he picked it right up. Looks like those Montessori exercises are really paying off!

2. I redid the landscaping in the front yard yesterday, and while I was digging up a fucking barberry bush from hell, I found a poker chip, a seashell, a nickel and a pair of handcuffs with some purplish fur still attached. It was a good day.

3. I am not sure where I was when this whole thing went down, but apparently...the little one spilled juice on the keyboard of your laptop, and he also ripped of the "up" arrow button. This probably sounds way worse than it really is. First, it's hanging upside down over the sink, and the juice is totally draining out. Second, who even uses the up arrow key, anyways? I mean, do you spend your day playing Packman or Pong? No. That key is outdated and irrelevant. Third, I ripped the couch apart looking for the key, but no dice. The good news is, I am pretty sure I know where it is, but it may take 24-48 hours to get it back. I'll let you know how that turns out.

4. I know you probably have no idea what I am talking about, but Whitney won America's Next Top Model! Seriously, they let the plus size girl win! Yay for feminism! Hm. I am just so happy albino Anya did pull through at the last minute, as Whitney totally outfierced her on the runway, and I couldn't take a whole next cycle of commercials featuring Anya and her mystery accent, like Fez from That 70's Show, talking about "My Louf as a Cuvah Ghool."

5. Oh, fun fact! Did you know if you eat leftover black frosted birthday cake for dinner over the course of a week, your poop turns bright green!? You also can't fit into your pants anymore, but the Oz poop is waaay more exciting to talk about than me laying on the floor of my closet sobbing in a pair of jeans that won't zip.

6. I watched an old dateline episode off the DVR, and I am now convinced our bed is a breeding ground of bedbugs that keep biting us and leaving disgusting bedbug fecal matter all over the place. I am also pretty sure anyone who comes to the door is trying to murder me. This includes the FedEx guy, the Schwans guy and the old lady in a wheelchair who delivers our paper.

No pressure or anything, but the boys are calling the dog papa, and I am getting so desperate, I may sleep with the creepy man-child two doors down that wears velcro shoes and Homer Simpson t shirts that say "Doh" and "Belch."

-your wife

P.S. Did I mention I had rusty, half furry handcuffs and that I vacuumed the bug poop off the mattress? Hurry home, and don't forget your tetnus shot!


lamb said...

when i was like 7 i had a sleep over with a girl from school that was allergic to everything. bedbugs/mites/whatever they are being top of the list. i didnt really believe her. i mean, how can something exist that i couldnt see (uhh..i was 7). so i told her my house was clean and she shouldnt worry. well, she came over. after 4 min she called her mom to go home. she was sneezing and shit on the spot.

next time we did sleep over at her place. every MFing piecew of furniture was covered with plastic. it was Fing bizarre.

im still not sure what freaks me out more. 1) things that exist that i cant see or 2) a plastic covered house

Emily said...

Next time he offers you some me time, you can come over to my house to hang out. I promise I won't shower, if it'll make you feel better.

Also, in case you're wondering, it only takes one small piece of black-frosted cake for that unfortunate side effect. I noticed it the day after, but didn't say anything in case my bowels were abnormal and that doesn't happen to regular people.

ninety9 said...

hi brittany, didn't i mention the creepiness that is dateline? first sexual predators and now bedbugs! never again! and as for the laptop, i would have to say that's your husband's fault. if he were around more, the juice probably would not have ended up there in the first place. totally not your fault. well, i hope he hangs around more. although the Clostridium-infested handcuffs may not be the way to go. godspeed!

Judy @ No Fear Entertaining said...

Golf sucks!

Natalie said...

if your husband happens to run into my husband on the golf course can he let him know his mother called. she says her cat got in a fight and now needs a medicine bath for the ringworm she contracted...and that she's run out of her high blood pressure medicine. thanks!

JennDZ - The Leftover Queen said...

OMG! I am laughing so hard right now I may need a respirator!

Deb said...

Well it reads very funny, but I'm pretty sure it's not fun when you're living it. Hope it was slightly therapeutic to get that out! =)