Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Which is hotter...mini van or refurbished school bus?

As I laid in bed this morning, teetering on the edge of a mattress holding two toddlers, a pug and a husband, my first thought was...what the fuck. My youngest is completely sweated to my side, the oldest is horizontal across the middle of the bed, and both the dog and husband are snoring so fucking loud, I have been up for two hours wondering which one I should smother with my pillow first. Alas, I don't think I would survive in prison. Orange makes me look even fatter and I hate bologna sandwiches...and I am pretty sure that is what Paris Hilton said they served, and if Paris Hilton won't put it in her mouth, you know it's not good.

My second thought was concerning that bat shit crazy family from Arkansas, the Duggars. I remember reading online they announced the pending birth of their 18th child. Where and when do Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar find the time to have any type of intercourse with 17 kids? Um...as in intercourse with eachother...not their 17 kids...sorry. I only have two, and my husband can attest..there ain't no time for lovin' in these parts. We don't even get to go to the bathroom with the door closed anymore, so how do they get any sort of privacy for babymaking?

How the crap does Michelle Duggar find the time to have sex, get dressed, brush her long ass hair, ready 17 kids, homeschool them, and feed them, all the while, perpetually knocked up? I can't manage to find my bra most days, I don't even think I own a hairbrush anymore, shaving...well you can guess on that one, and there is no way in hell I could manage to function an entire day in a pioneer dress, I get pit stains in my wife beater, as is.

Then again, either long sleeve prairie dresses are super slimming, and Vogue just missed that memo...or that woman is a Sex Goddess with a pact with God to have a zillion kids only to miraculously lose the baby weight in a week...so...maybe she is onto something.

I better go shave.

16 comments:

JennDZ - The Leftover Queen said...

You are just too funny!
This is what scares me about having kids the most - I am really organized(read:anal) and I am scared that I am gong to freak when my routine gets uprooted. I am not sure how well I am going to take to that....Am I doomed to either insanity or being childless? Is there any hope for me??

Plus I am laughing my ass off about the if Paris won't put it in her mouth line...

lamb said...

im laughing my ass off at the "long ass hair." ive gotten past the 18 kids part, but ill never get passed the gross negligence of Whats In.

Emily said...

I think you'd look hawt in a prairie dress.

Laura said...

so damn funny! I think that she makes the older kids watch the little kids... I've been planning to steal a couple local Amish kids to help me out. How does she keep the baby in? After 2 kids my body is rough... I can't wrap my head around 18!!

Brittany said...

Jenn...kids are a...um...cinch...you'll barely even notice they're there:)

Lamb...Agreed. And for the record, her hair really is ridiculously long for her age. If ANYONE should have a mom haircut, it should be her.

Emily...thanks, at least it would accentuate my skinny wrists.

Laura...GOOD POINT! How the crap do you even keep the baby inside. After two, I can barely talk my tampon into staying in place, let alone a baby. She probably has a zipper up there at this point, and when the time comes, they just undo it and the baby falls out.

Heather said...

Well remember, the older kids are raising the younger ones, so all Michelle has to do is spread 'em and squirt 'em.

Judy @ No Fear Entertaining said...

Hard to imagine 17 kids let alone 18 right??? I was not very graceful with 2 and I honestly can't imagine having more. Maybe no one has told her how it happens and how to stop it! LOL

Jan said...

And here am I, having done my bit to alleviate the population explosion by choosing not to have kids, and she's having enough for 10 women. It's obscene.

Politi Gal said...

About the orange (you're a summer right? Definitely a no go)-you could probably avoid prison time with a set of stairs,a carefully placed toy, and a little luck. It's all about timing and plausible deniability. I'm going to hell, aren't I?

BeachMama said...

Brittany, you are too funny. Thanks for stopping by my site. I have always wanted more kids, but 18, really, that is a bit much.

Not Just Any Jen said...

Ha, you are killing me this morning! Yeah, they are totally out there if you ask me! And I hear you about the rest of it.

Calee said...

That was awesome and I vote to smother the one that snores the loudest.

Thanks for visiting my blog and opening my eyes the world of barefoot foodie :)

Brittany said...

Heather...see, I am going about this all wrong, popping them out too quickly, so none of them are big enough to pull their own share. I am such an idiot!

Judy...to be fair, I actually went to their family's website, you know, to give them the benefit of the doubt. Turns out, their plan is to have as many as God wills them to have...so Jim Bob's package is apparently controlled by God himself...they won't stop until it plum falls off.

Jan...Feel free to toss your tires, car batteries and other non recyclables into the ocean with a clear conscience:)

PolitiGal...if you get to hell first, let them know I am coming, and that I prefer a carb free buffet:)

beachmama...thanks for coming here as well! I really enjoyed your site! Maybe you could have at least ten and teach them to sing like the Osmonds!

Jen...I am SO glad to hear i am not alone. I was originally afraid to post this, you know...don't like ruffling any potential religious feathers:)

Calee..Well thanks for coming over! I say I just use a king size pillow and take them both out:)

DeweytheGreyt said...

I have one thing to say to Michelle Duggar.......

Hey lady, it's a VAGINA, not a clown car.

Nuff said. :)

Asianmommy said...

I'm with you--2 is plenty!

LuckyMe said...

I am soo glad I caught this in your 'most popular' list. I was already ROTFL over "if Paris Hilton won't put it in her mouth, you know it's not good" and
"pit stains in my wife beater" and then I see ..."so Jim Bob's package is apparently controlled by God himself...they won't stop until it plum falls off." Hysterical! Comments as good as the post!