Friday, May 9, 2008

Jumping Jack in no way realted to this post, I just like the song.

Pulse? Check.

I am still here folks. A girl can't leave the cyber world for a few days without returning to a rash of urgent emails from friends and family fearing the worst. A possible mass bird abduction? Death by beaking?

Alas no. Just utterly busy. And, because I know you like it, in no particular order, (seriously, this is going to be random and, most likely, completely out of sequence) here is a numbered list of thoughts, activities and general life-isms for this week.

1. A lovely friend loaned me her copy of The Communist mean, Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I have decided to, um, take charge of it...I guess. I am not really sure who was handling things up until my recent hostile takeover, but judging by the mess, and the two naked toddlers running around, they didn't do a good job.

The whole system sounds interesting, ok, not really, but it operates along the platform of my aversion to modern medicine. Seriously, if I could get by seeing a witch doctor or leech bleeder...I would. So, until peyote or wearing a chicken foot around my neck becomes medically acceptable...Operation Take Charge will have to do.

Apparently, the whole concept of TCOYF is based around monitoring your temperature, checking my cervical mucus (pass), and checking the position of my cervix (pass and pass...unless I buy myself dinner first).

She also loaned me her thermometer. Which, at first, I refused to take. Seems I was operating under the assumption the temperature I would be taking would be in...the temperature of my girly insides. I have no idea where this idea came from, but I pictured the whole inner temp being like that of a turkey, so I thought giving it the big one two up the hoo-hoo was my only option.

Turns out...this is not case.

You take your temp in your mouth, so she was, in fact, not handing me a pre-owned hoo-hoo thermometer, but an oral one.

2. I am not ashamed to admit that last week when I was feeling quite under the weather, I adopted a new practice of disciplining my kids with a squirt bottle. Stream if they were far away. Mist if they were close. This system worked swimmingly...until they started to enjoy the random shots of ice water, and began placing they mouths on the nozzle. Motherhood Idea #64785967462, foiled again.

3. Yesterday was my oldest son's 2nd birthday. Twin month is officially over. We had a good run, slipping in undetected amongst the Mothers of Multiples crowd. Everyone is nicer to you when they think you have twins, and your not just birth control challenged.

In honor of the big 2, we spent the day at the zoo today. First of all, I am excited to say that the cute kid "leashes" we bought were a huge success. They wore their little mock monkey backpacks, and we had complete control of them.

Sure, we got a couple gasps and Oh my God, those kids are wearing leashes, but nothing a little Go fuck yourself lady, couldn't fix. Old women in wheelchairs have superiority complexes.

On another zoo note, this one is for you, lady who was too busy talking on her cell phone while her two kids where climbing on the railing of the cheetah enclosure. Stop making me responsible for the survival of your children. I am not your babysitter. HANG UP THE PHONE.

4. Another reason I have been MIA as of late, it's prom season. And, no, I'm not going. I am spraying (remember me, on the side airbrush tanner, reduced to looking at hairy backs and moles in a part time capacity? Keep up people.). So, I have spent sun up to sun down coating today's youth with liquid bronzer. Precious children who's parents have no idea they are totally spending prom night drunk with their legs in the air. And none of them can have any tan lines because their hot pink dresses are cut down to their belly buttons in the front, and down to their cracks in the back, and all I can muster is an occasional...

"Wow, that sounds really classy."


"Bah, what do fathers know about fashion, anyways. Oh you meant an actual priest? You go to a Catholic high school? Well then, um, I agree, those nuns would be crazy to suspend you over a dress that doesn't allow for an undergarment of any kind. What prudes."

5. Tomorrow is my oldest's official 2nd birthday party for family and friends. I have learned my lesson. We are serving tacos and overly strong margarittas, and stuffing the pinata with blow pops and ambien.


Emily said...

The thermometer thing still cracks me up. Do you really think I would give you something I shoved up my hoo-ha on a daily basis? That vibrator doesn't count.

I'm glad you made new friends at the zoo. Cell phone lady will learn when one of her kids becomes cheetah lunch.

One of your hoochies really has a dress that doesn't allow for any undergarments? Klassy.

Judy @ No Fear Entertaining said...

Oh Brittany, you do crack me up!!!! Good luck with the birthday party...remember, lots of margaritas, and a crew neck sweater!!!

Natalie said...

spray on tans, hoochie dresses, hoo hoo thermometers and did someone say margaritas? i am so there. what's your address again?

lamb said...

ur gonna LOVE taking over your pregger potential. next stop, diva cup.

Brittany said...

The spray bottle seems to work so well with my cats, that I had totally planned to use it on my future offspring.... So you're telling me it doesn't work?
Time to have my tubes tied.
Happy Mother's Day ; )

JennDZ - The Leftover Queen said...

Sounds like you have a lot going on these days, Brit! LOL!

You are just too funny - and I am all about taking charge of my fertility! :)