Monday, May 12, 2008

You can sleep when you're dead.

Things I've learned about children's birthday parties....

1. Yes, in real life, a road is black. However, in terms of a cake, a road of black frosting is not a good idea. Unless, that is, you don't mind looking like hobo on Halloween with cheap tooth black out wax. Nothing like 100 pictures of family with smiles full of black gums and rotting teeth.

2. I don't care how much you hate someone, do not buy their kids some kind of toy that plays a karaoke version of some lame ass 80's/early 90's throwback hit. A mustang that sings "I'm Walking on Sunshine," and a truck that lets you literally scratch (as in scratch records...not your eyes out, though you will anyways) to "Whoop there it is." Come on! I don't want to ruin it, but you two assholes are so getting a hamster that dances to "Stroke Me" this Christmas.

3. Figure out how much liquor you think you will need to get through the day...and then double it.

4. Hide anything embarrassing. Even if you think you have it hidden out of eyesight, like say, in a personal drawer or cabinet, I can assure, it is not hidden. Relatives, especially confused grandparents and sneaky mother in laws, can stumble upon and/or hunt down anything. It's like they have a vibrator drawer sonar. It's awesome, like when Steve Martin found a "flashlight" in the movie Parenthood.

5. Apologize to your husband when you get up in the morning, just in case you forget to slip it in while screeching at him for 3 straight pre-party hours to move the tables around for the brazillionth time, re mow the lawn so it makes that neat diagonal design, and to just plain stop breathing so close to's annoying, and you are too sweaty to be breathed near.

6. Your father in law will never understand why you have decided to let your boys grow their hair out in that cute, long surfer hairstyle for the summer. He will continuously refer to them as small hippies and long haired slackers. Seriously old man, they are toddlers, to them, Puff the Magic Dragon is just a movie. But, for good measure, dig out an old hemp necklace and talk about moving to Canada for the rest of the evening.

7. You know that liquor number you doubled earlier? Now, triple it.

8. Save yourself a fight. Let your kids go to bed wearing every outfit they got that day, layered on top of each other. Is it weird your son wants to wear his new Lightning McQueen swim trunks over his new jeans with his new shark fin life jacket? Yes. Are you going to chase him around the house, tackle him down and rip everything off of him? No. You am too tired. Besides, it's raining and our house sometimes floods. Really, this whole thing can been seen as a safety precaution.

9. Get pregnant the same month every time. This way, after their first solo birthday bash, you know, to make them feel all special and unique, you can combine them into one large mega birthday. No sense in going through hell more than one time a year. Birthday parties will give you eyebags.


Natalie said...

what about blue frosting. we have a whole party of people with blue teeth. i should have made pastel balloons i guess!

my least favorite toy is a remote controlled car. we seemed to get at least one every christmas and every birthday birthday. they are big and bulky and now we have a whole fleet of them. my boys play with them for 2 whole days and then they get shoved under the bed to collect dust.

i could use some liquor.

happy birthday to you sings the stuffed monkey. over and over and over...

Judy @ No Fear Entertaining said...

Okay maybe I didn't make it clear enough in my previous comment...LOTS of margarita's! It's the only way to get the whole way through the party.

Also the clothes all means let them wear everything. My girls have gone to bed numerous times in full princess garb including makeup and trust me that is just frightening when they are waking you up in the morning! (Especially after too many margarita's!!!)

Brittany said...

Singing gifts. Never Okay.
Happy birthday to the chillins

Heather said...

Uh, the gestation period of a human is 9 months, not a year. Maybe that's the problem?

Attending niece/nephew parties coined the phrase, "Auntie Heather is taking a break." If I ever am on the verge of choking a toddler, I just hit the Auntie Juice (budget chardonnay).

Heather said...

Oh wait. Uh, nevermind about the gestation thing. Sorry, I've been hitting the Auntie Juice.

Amy said...

As far as I'm concerned, when it comes to sneaky MILs and goodie drawers, if they're going to look, then they deserve what they see!

Brittany said...

Natalie...come on over and we can drink in the basement together, next to the huge box of bulky toys my boys no longer acknowlede.

Judy...Nothing compliments a hangover than a naked boy jumping on your bed in a superman cape, cowboy boots and no diaper. Don't you love our lives:) you go by Britt? I have adopted it since Mz. Spears hit it big...anyways...thanks, once they stop trying to push eachother down the stairs, I will pass on the birthday wishes.

Heather...I found investing in a little flask to hide in your bra works wonders!

Amy...Word. Guess I need to stock it with strap ons and butt plugs...just to shake things up a bit.