You can sleep when you're dead.

Things I've learned about children's birthday parties....

1. Yes, in real life, a road is black. However, in terms of a cake, a road of black frosting is not a good idea. Unless, that is, you don't mind looking like hobo on Halloween with cheap tooth black out wax. Nothing like 100 pictures of family with smiles full of black gums and rotting teeth.

2. I don't care how much you hate someone, do not buy their kids some kind of toy that plays a karaoke version of some lame ass 80's/early 90's throwback hit. A mustang that sings "I'm Walking on Sunshine," and a truck that lets you literally scratch (as in scratch records...not your eyes out, though you will anyways) to "Whoop there it is." Come on! I don't want to ruin it, but you two assholes are so getting a hamster that dances to "Stroke Me" this Christmas.

3. Figure out how much liquor you think you will need to get through the day...and then double it.

4. Hide anything embarrassing. Even if you think you have it hidden out of eyesight, like say, in a personal drawer or cabinet, I can assure, it is not hidden. Relatives, especially confused grandparents and sneaky mother in laws, can stumble upon and/or hunt down anything. It's like they have a vibrator drawer sonar. It's awesome, like when Steve Martin found a "flashlight" in the movie Parenthood.

5. Apologize to your husband when you get up in the morning, just in case you forget to slip it in while screeching at him for 3 straight pre-party hours to move the tables around for the brazillionth time, re mow the lawn so it makes that neat diagonal design, and to just plain stop breathing so close to you...it's annoying, and you are too sweaty to be breathed near.

6. Your father in law will never understand why you have decided to let your boys grow their hair out in that cute, long surfer hairstyle for the summer. He will continuously refer to them as small hippies and long haired slackers. Seriously old man, they are toddlers, to them, Puff the Magic Dragon is just a movie. But, for good measure, dig out an old hemp necklace and talk about moving to Canada for the rest of the evening.

7. You know that liquor number you doubled earlier? Now, triple it.

8. Save yourself a fight. Let your kids go to bed wearing every outfit they got that day, layered on top of each other. Is it weird your son wants to wear his new Lightning McQueen swim trunks over his new jeans with his new shark fin life jacket? Yes. Are you going to chase him around the house, tackle him down and rip everything off of him? No. You am too tired. Besides, it's raining and our house sometimes floods. Really, this whole thing can been seen as a safety precaution.

9. Get pregnant the same month every time. This way, after their first solo birthday bash, you know, to make them feel all special and unique, you can combine them into one large mega birthday. No sense in going through hell more than one time a year. Birthday parties will give you eyebags.