Monday, May 5, 2008

Owls. They're a hoot.

First off, we have a big bird problem.

Um...not so much a Big Bird problem.


More like a big ass bird problem.

The end of our driveway sits under a huge tree. We were initially excited about this, as our cars would be shaded and cool in the hot summer months. Turns out, that shade comes at a price. And, that price is bird poop, and lots of it. Not only do the devil birds have a daily poop off atop our hoods, but they are fearless, and dive bomb me when I go out to my car. Even Henry the pug is afraid to go near that part of the deck, as they could easily unionize them selfs, and carry his pudgy pug ass up up into the tree, never to be heard from again. Kamikaze birds with wicked IBS...perfect.

So, I was discussing my dilemma with my mom while in line for the car wash today, and she told me to get an owl. I almost peed myself. An owl! Oh squeal! Could I get a white one, like Harry Potter, and we would be best friends, and instead of mailing out my bills, I could just send them by owl? Then my mom reminded me that...

1. Owls are crazy expensive and I would need some sort of owl license to own one.
2. They howl, like, all night.
3. They eat rats.
4. Instead of normal sized bird poop, I would be cleaning up giant rat filled owl poop.

Apparently, the owl of which she spoke was of the plastic variety. You know, the kind crazy old ladies have in their yards? This troubles me, as I already have a garden gnome I am catching shit for, and add to this a big plastic owl...there could be trouble.

But, what is worse, a silly plastic owl damaging my street cred...or puddles upon puddles of bird poo?

I didn't want to make any rash decisions, so I went to the hardware store to casually check them out. As expected, they were lame looking, and some even had rotating heads. This was ridiculous. No bird worth their weight in bird poop would fall this this scam.

"No, ma'am. Burds er stoopid. Thems owls like a skerr-crow to birds, it werks everytime."

Um, why do I always do my shopping from Appalachian mountain people?

Bah, $8 later, creepy plastic owl and I were headed home. I made hubby count the gobs of bird poop that the car wash left on my hood so I can have a controlled experiment.


And now, we wait...

18 comments:

Heather said...

I love that photo of you(is it?) and the owl, waiting, waiting.

We have a rat and ant and squirrel problem. And the opossums aren't even doing anything about it.

Natalie said...

ooooohhh...scary. those beady eyes would keep me from crapping on your car for sure. the owl's eyes are scary, too!

Lori said...

The pic is hilarious!!!

Does this mean you'll be getting a goose for your lawn now?!?!

Brittany said...

Oh god. That picture of you made me spit my coffee all over my computer screen.
Brilliant.
Hey- you've seen Steel Magnolias, right? As I recall, a pistol and some fireworks solved the bird problem for Julia Roberts' wedding.....
Oh jeez, just kidding.
By the way, the thought of giant rat filled owl poop will haunt me tonight.
Thanks.

Emily said...

A purple wishing well is next on the list...I'm just waiting for that one...

I love the pic, too.

Tif said...

Hah! I love the picture, its too perfect. I have to admit that the first time I noticed all the plastic owls around my neighborhood I thought I was missing out on the new pink flamingo trend. Nice to know they have a purpose!
Best of luck in your de-birding.
Cheers,
tif

Emily said...

Ok, nevermind about the wishing well. I found you the BEST plastic rooster at Wal-Mart tonight. You could start a whole collection of yard fowl!

Amy said...

OMG, that pic is too freaking much! I'm going to have nightmares now...

Judy @ No Fear Entertaining said...

I just knew that you would have to get a companion for your gnome!!! I think the next thing should be a pink flamingo or a penguin with the legs that spin!!!

We have a freakin' Mockingbird that is trying to get laid and he sings ALL night long! A couple of nights ago I caught hubby slinky in the house after being outside throwing rocks at the damn thing! 15 minutes later the thing was singing away again!

schwartz said...

funniest blog ever. And I still have to give you your belated bday gift. Its a GIANT windmill for your front yard!
And your xmas gift from last year is still in my trunk. A gander for your front porch. Complete with outfits for every major (and minor) holiday!!

JennDZ - The Leftover Queen said...

That is the BEST photo at the end! LOL! I loe how you wanted to get a real owl at first! I want a Hedwig too - I know, I freely admit my lameness.

lamb said...

that photo is priceless!!

Lisa Marie said...

I am so going to get you like 45 windchimes!!! So if there is a storm comin you will know bout' it!!! I seriously am sitting in my kitchen in the darking LAUGHING MY ASS OFF right now!!! lol (YOU ARE A HOOT lol)

J.Danger said...

oh. my. f-ing. GAWD!

The husband and I have that same owl! I never knew what it was for! Dangit! It was so creepy that I hid it in the laundry room for over a year! He found it when we moved. It is now in our house. Like, INSIDE. Like, a DECORATION. I am so shoving that dang bird in the yard!

Thank you scary appalachian salesman!

Oh, and you too....

-J.Danger

msbetty said...

Did the plastic owl work on the birds? I have the same problem in my new home.

Karen Zemek, author of "My Funny Dad, Harry" said...

I never heard of an Owl guard (scarecrow) before. Did it work? That picture of the owl and you is too funny! Great post!

Black Hockey Jesus said...

I like how you went from Big Bird to those crazy attack birds. Did the owl work?

texasholly said...

Love this. So funny and the picture is priceless...