Saturday, May 3, 2008

I think I spend 75% of my life on my knees.

Scrubbing, diapering, tying shoes, kissing hurt knees, kissing...other things.

And, it is this realization that brings me to this post. There is a portion of my birthday that I haven't discussed yet. I needed to let enough time pass for the wounds to heal before I thrust the issue out for public fodder. My gorgeous husband, who I completely adore, for whom I always buy the most thoughtful and romantic gifts, bought me this:
Holy Brian bought me a blender from Father of the Bride!

I mean, wow. I don't think I have even so much as given this thing a second look at the store before. We already have a full sized one, who I have a twisted love affair with (I just love seeing the dirty water I dump out of it). But, from the looks of the Best Buy bag wrapping paper, it is clear to me he purchased this while he was shopping for himself, and accidentally stumbled down the Women Only aisle, where they keep the washing machines, ovens, rug cleaners and mysogyny.

The thing is, I am pretty sure when I removed the bag, my face involuntarily twisted into a look of horror and disgust.

"Oh, a rug cleaner. That is...oh wow, a rug cleaner. Look at that. Hmmm. Thanks?"

Then he kinda freaked out, because he knew I didn't really like it, which I didn't, but I hate making him feel bad. I mean, I should be grateful he got me anything. People in third world countries would love a rug cleaner, and here I am acting like a douche bag.

He spent the next hour moping around, so besides the rug cleaner, I got an extra bonus gift of guilt (this was also not wrapped).

I think my downfall was my need to overcompensate. I had a ridiculously loud phone conversation with my mom that morning as hubby listened from the couch.

Mom: Happy birthday! Did you know, 27 years ago today I was on the table pushing through excruciating, vomit inducing contractions to give you life outside my womb?
Me: Yep mom, you remind me every year, I've seen the stretch marks, I can only thank you so many times.
Mom: Your head was so pointy, and you were covered in the most disgusting goo-
Me: Once again mom, thanks for making this day special for me.
Mom: I'm just saying.
Me: Yeah, I get it, you are a saint, listen...guess what Andy got me!
Mom: Oh, what?!
Mom: Don't you already have one?
Me: This is so much better than the silly one I have, this one just focuses on a single spot, you just set it down and let it do the work. Isn't that just the most?!
Mom: Isn't that what your other rug cleaner does?
Me: You are right mom, that is a really cool gift. I am excited my hubby is so tech savvy.
Mom: Are you having a pretend conversation with me to fake excitement over this gift while Andy sits next to you?
Me: Yep mom, I did give him a big fat kiss when I opened it. I can't wait to use it. I may just pour wine on the floor just so I can break it out. HAHAHA (gotta love the high pitched, fake spider monkey laugh I do when I am nervous).
Mom: You are ridiculous.
Me: Ok, mom, I gotta go see what I can clean around here with this snazzy cleaner, I'll see you later.
Mom: Jesus knows you are lying.
Me: Ok, kisses to you too, buh-bye.

He took off for a few hours and returned the rug cleaner (I didn't ask him to, so save you head shaking and tsks tsks for someone else). He took me out to a fabulous sushi dinner, and asked what I really wanted, and we decided to finally let me start redecorating the bedroom, and I can put the money towards new bedroom furniture.

I was so kicking myself this morning as I scrubbed the grape juice off my carpet. On my knees. Damn it!


Emily said...

B and I had a conversation about this on the way home. I explained that unless a wife specifcially asks for a cleaning product by name, a husband should never, ever, EVER buy her one for an important gift-giving occasion. Hopefully he'll learn from A's mistake, and that little lesson will stick with him.

Natalie said...

hysterical as always! i have never asked for a cleaning anything for a gift. i figure those are necessary items so i will buy them anyway! i did however once ask for a freezer. it was cool and had all these drawers. and i use it. i do. but it sure does take up a lot of room in my extremely small kitchen! oh...and i asked to go to burger king my first mother's day in turkey. what? it was something familiar and american. and i had had enough kebabs to last me for a long, long time!

Judy @ No Fear Entertaining said...

Very funny! Some men really suck at gifts don't they? I wanted the diamonds and gold and I got a Roomba - one of those robot vacuums!!!

Brittany said...

You want to know what else is wierd? We're practically the exact same age. WTF?
Another fun fact- my husband has never once given me a present that was actually wrapped. Not even with newspaper. I mean, we ask for so little.
Happy birthday! Enjoy your carpet cleaner. Try not to clean with to much angst.

Azure Islands Designs said...

Hilarious...some men just don't have a clue when it comes to buying their wife/female partner a gift and yet others buy the perfect gift...

Years ago my husband bought me a sleeping bag and a track suit for my birthday...ever since then he has given me money in a card and says have fun shopping...which I do!!!


schwartz said...

funny thing is the last xmas gift that the XH ever gave to me was (drumroll) a dust buster. YUP. Now I could bust some dust without getting the vaccuum out. Yes I had wanted one, but not for a major gift giving holiday. I wanted to pick one up one day while perusing BB&B for new sheets or kitchen gadgets. A dust buster is the dry equivelant of your gifted rug cleaner.
And knee pads. They work wonders for those of us on our knees kissing...things...a lot.