Friday, May 2, 2008

A tourniquet and a mango smoothie

I think, as a rule, hemophiliacs should not be allowed to work with mangos. Besides being absolutely delicious and healthy...mangos are slippery. Like, jello wrestling slippery ( And, even though I had been warned of this, by pretty much everyone I spoke to, I still underestimated the potential danger of a slick fruit and a sharp knife. So, at the suggestion of my hot friends Amanda and Steph, I turned to the guidance of resident food hottie, Alton Brown, and decided to give it a go.

I now offer up to you, my readers, friends, John Tesh loving sex predators, a photographic journey of...wait for it...the mango smoothie.

What you will need:

3 Mangos (Eh...use however many you want)
1 excessively big sharp knife
1 vegetable peeler
1 corn on the cob holder
1 cell phone with 911 on speed dial (should massive bleeding occur)
***Not pictured, bandaids...lots of them

OK, first thing you do is, carefully, peel the skin from the mango. They are suprisingly easy to peel, so don't get me (hello bandaids #1 and #2).

Then you take the big knife, and cut the tops and bottoms off each mango, so they can sit upright on a flat surface. After you do this, jab the corn on the cob holder into the top of the mango as it sits upright, you can now use this to hold onto for support. Firmly holding onto said COTC holder, slice off the meat of the mango, around the pit.

***See, this is wear things got a little sketchy. Being the mango virgin I am, I grossly underestimated the size of the pit, thus resulting in sailor like cursing and a dangerous hacking motion (bandaids #3, #4, #5).

Ok, I did it, I survived the de-meating (I have no idea what the actual term is, meaty is currently my favorite go-to adjective. Just ask my dum tsssshhh...that was my weak attempt at recreating the sound of a rimshot...I just didn't want to use the word rimshot in a sentence already containing the word meaty...which now seems a little ironic).

Moving on, I have now safely placed the mango in the blender, and because I was feeling a little chop-happy, I diced up a banana and tossed it in as well.

I added to this a splash of milk and some ice. Blended it all together. Mmmmm.....

Luckily the natural sugars from the delicious mango banana smoothie counteracted the lightheadedness I was experiencing due to blood loss.


schwartz said...

You are too fucking much. And thank you for remembering me! haha! Next time try it the other way....less slippery. Or buy the mango extractor tool, its gotta be easier! Hazaa for not killing yourself or taking a finger off!

Politi Gal said...

Happy belated birthday Brit, hope you don't die(is it the plague?)...honestly, your writing provoked more than one out loud laugh.

Your market run in with McUnseemly sounds too familiar...makes for a great story though. Must say...Yoda stamps kinda appeal to the geek gal in me.

Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.

Thanks for sharing your light girl.

Lisa Marie said...

Oh how I love your blogs!!! lol And are you for real with the band-aid? lol

Jen said...

I totally forgot to tell you.... I got the mango recipe from "pass the plate" for ya!

bobo99 said...

just happened upon your blog from another and i think you do a great job. and thank you for sharing the mango smoothie recipe, i will definitely try it. could use it right around now as i'm home alone watching dateline. creepiness.

ali said...

Great blog, Brittany! I've "experimented" with mangoes only once. It was such a hassle. I'm sticking with peaches :)

Brittany said...

Holy shit. We have the exact same name (and we both spell it RIGHT, thank you very much) and my most recent blog post involves a mango. I just had to share the good news.

By the way- cool blog! I just stumbled upon it (saw your comment on another blog and thought you had a really bitchin name)
so anyway...hi! : )

Natalie said...

mango smoothies...nice. too bad that john tesh stalker guy creeped you out. next time you need mangos for smoothies you may have to go incognito!

Brittany said... problem, my tummy thanks, my fingers feel so so about you:)

Politi Gal...I just wonder, how the fuck did you get into my head? Your blog is so dead on to my thoughts, only so much more hilarious! And thanks so much for the quote, I am a quote junkie!

Lisa...yes, my boys won't share their Batman bandaids with me, so I am stuck with the lame ass flesh colored ones. what does it say about us that we are adults who love Pass the Plate?

bobo...Dateline always equals creepiness to me, you are brave to watch it at night. I'd have to sleep with a knife under my pillow.

Ali...YES. Stick to peaches, unless the mangos are pre-sliced...which is the route I am taking from now on. Brittnnee...oh wait...BRITTANY! How fun to find a fellow correct name speller!!!! Ever since that damn Britney Spears made it big, we have been doomed to a life of phonetic spelling. Now I am I going to go check out your mango post!

Natalie...thanks for the comment, and I am always looking for as reason to venture out in big glasses and a wig, maybe people will think I am Tori spelling!

lamb said...

fam loved your meatloaf
i loved loved loved that pizza
so its an obvious GO on me trying this.

Fiesty Charlie said...

As a retired EMT, with a twisted sense of humor... I can say I love this post. You my dear are the reason we have such good patient jokes....

There is a saying in EMS... "Don't do anything you don't want to explain to the Paramedics..."

You crack me up and I am going to link you on my page....

Not Just Any Jen said...

that looks pretty yummy! Happy birthday!