Wednesday, May 28, 2008

When 35000 burrito calories don't make it better.

I went to the chiropractor this morning for my second back treatment, and to review my spinal x-rays with my husband present. I am not sure why the present husband was a requirement. Apparently it was one of those situations where the older doctor only felt comfortable discussing medical jargon with the men folk, as to not worry or confuse us simple women. or...he could have easily sensed that I am an over reactor, and could easily blow the most asinine issue into something terminal.

Either way, we arrived at the chiropractor together...with the kids, because I feel more secure traveling with an entourage, and finding a daytime babysitter is out of the question.

We all looked at the films, he threw around a lot of jargon that only worried and confused me (thank God my husband was there), and then he had me lay face down on the fancy table, attached electrodes to my back, and began my 12 minutes of "relaxing" shock therapy while he went to attend to other patients. Last week, it was relaxing. I laid there in peace while tiny warm shocks danced across my back muscles.

This time, not so much. It was paramount to sitting with a bag on my head as my husband and kids wreaked havoc around me. I couldn't see anything, I just laid there listening to a series of screams.

"Get over here!'

"Put that fake spine down!"

"Don't touch the dial on mommy's machine!"

Me: Hunny, is everything ok? Just get them both to sit on the couch over there and get their cars out of the diaper bag.
Hub: I am trying but they are both running in different directions.
Me: Well pick them both up and make them sit down, sheesh, do I have to do everything, I mean, I am being electrocuted right now!

And then he said it...

Hub: Oh shut the fuck up.


He never cusses, I am the cusser, and even then, I would never say that! So I did, I didn't say another word to him. I sat in silence as we got back into the car. He even tried to test the waters by offering up some Chipotle for lunch, but all I gave him was a half assed shrug.

I sat in silence in the Chipotle booth. Deafening silence, if I do say so myself.

When he finally asked what was wrong, I lost it. I started Chipotle.

Children were looking at me. People in suits were looking at me. The bean refiller guy was looking at me. Mascara was running down my face. It was horrible, I started doing that snotty hiccup cry, the one where you can barely get words out.

Hub: What is going on?
Me: You cussed *hiccup* at me.
Hub: I'm sorry, I didn't mean it.
Me: *hiccup* It sure sounded like you meant it.
Hub: Sorry, I was a little frustrated, and you were just laying there get electrolysis on your back and the boys were running everywhere.
Me: WHAT!? I was not getting electrolysis on my back, I can't believe you just said that in front of everyone in Chipotle!

The sobbing got heavier, now everyone in Chipotle thinks I have a hairy back (I happen to have a perfectly smooth back, thank you very much!), it just was not a good morning.

You don't put baby in the corner, you don't tell everyone in Chipotle your wife was getting back hair removed , and you don't tell your wife to shut the fuck up in the chiropractors office.


Jan said...

I'm now crying with laughing so much. That was bloody hilarious. I'm so glad I found your blog.

:: jozjozjoz :: said...

OMG. That sounds like quite the ordeal.

I'd have started crying in Chipotle, too.

ESPECIALLY if everyone thought I was getting *electrolysis* on my back.

Fiesty Charlie said...

Agreed! I hope you get to go back without everyone next time, to enjoy the treatment... it will do wonders for you if you can...

Hope you are better now!

I am glad I have a wife and not a husband.... :]

Not Just Any Jen said...

Sorry you had a bad day, but I am cracking up about the electrolysis. This sounds exactly like my brood at he Plan Commissioners office today while I was trying to figure out if our future fence crosses any utility easements. That was hairy!

Brittany said...

Jan...I am glad you found me too, I love new readers! come back all the time:) yeah, it was so embarrassing. Nothing like being judged by the 16 year old who scoops beans for a living.

Charlie...So the secret is having a wife, eh? sign me up!

Jen...Are you at the point where you just can't go anywhere anymore? I feel like I am!

Natalie said...

i was trying to read this post out loud to my husband and was laughing too hard to finish it. i finally just had to turn the computer towards him and point. hilarious! those hairy backs will get you in trouble every time!

JennDZ - The Leftover Queen said...

Oh no! Bad bad husbando!
I cry all the time in public!

Judy @ No Fear Entertaining said...

OMG that sounds like my life. Mine place of death though is the dentist. Usually with my 2 girl monsters running in circles while I am trying to yell at them to sit with my mouth clamped wide open. You would think they would be interested in what was going on right???

Too bad about Chipotle. I have many places I have had to cross off my list!

Heather said...

Oh dang, honey. He'd require surgery to remove my foot from his ass.