Wednesday, May 21, 2008

When animals attack me, on a personal level.

The good news is, my hubby is over his 24 hour bug. Thankfully. I had about had my fill of running ziploc bags of vomit to the trash can, dryheaving the whole way there. And, ofcourse, I only had the quart size. I love my life.

Bad news is, I'll save you the messy specifics, but I was engaged in some hard core physical activity, and am now left with a pulled back muscle.

So. Painful.

I am pretty much left laying flat on my back all day hopped up on mild pain meds. This is a bummer because:

1. I miss out on my thankgodimadeitthroughanotherdayalive glass of wine. Pre-motherhood, I'd be all over the wine and pain pill I am forced into maturity and good judgment, plus there is no one around to flash my boobies to, arm wrestle, or have a yodeling contest with.

2. This really limits my ability to discipline engage with my boys. Spraying them with a water bottle is futile, I might as well be throwing jello at them and letting them wrestle in that.

Desperate to maintain some kind of order while hubby is at work, I decided to try out that old proverb about ruling with a big stick. I am sure that was created to be some sort of poignant metaphor for the ages, but screw that. I had hubby go outside and bring me the longest stick he could find. I spent the day keeping order with my 4 foot long obedience stick stick of tranquility.

Wrestling getting a touch too rough?

Poke, poke, jab, jab... Not on my watch fellas.

Napping a little too heavily, and I can't tell if you are still breathing?

Quick poke to the cheek...

See, the way you abruptly jerked awake tells me that you are, in fact, still breathing. Carry about your business.

Aside from prodding at my boys with sticks all day, I am also tackling a new problem.

Garbage vermin.

No matter what I do, or where I put the garbage, these little scumbags come in like Oceans Eleven, and fuck me and my tight locking garbage cans over on a nightly basis. I am not even sure what to do next. I am over buying faux plastic predators for my yard, at this rate, I am two seconds from collecting Hummels and Marie Osmond dolls.

I am tired of picking up diapers, condoms, pads, candy bar wrappers, fruit peels and other trash from my lawn. It's like the raccoons are announcing to my neighbors that I am menstruating, closet candy eating sex addict just out of spite. And it's not just the raccoons. All the animals in my neighborhood are straight Norma Ray'ing it up, and coming at me with blunt, unionized force. Birds pooping everywhere, cats humping on my new patio set, I swear I even saw a squirrel give me the finger yesterday.


You may have won the battle, furry little creatures from hell, but I will win the war. I will win the war.


Emily said...

LMFAO! I love the picture!

Brittany said...

well- at least it made for a pretty hilarious blog post (menstrating candy eating sex addict. Nice.)

And if it helps- your pedicure looks lovely! Feel better soon : )

Laura said...

Oh my god! My husband thinks I'm nuts laughing so hard at the computer. Love the big stick idea! I'm also a poker to check if the kids are just sleeping.

Laura said...

PS- totally feel dirty, stalking you without you being able to return the favor. I'm sending you an invite my blog... if you get really, really bored.

Brittany said...

Emily...thanks! I feel the need to capture my mothering techniques on film, for both posterity and to prove that I am REALLY this awesome in real life:)

Brittany...Thank the lord my cousin is a nail tech, or I would be a grumpy, greasy haired mom shuffling around with hobbit feet.

Laura...I am so excited to partake in your blog fun! Thanks! And, seriously...sometimes it's just hard to tell if their chest is moving up and down or not:)

Nilz said...

Wow! Wonderful depiction.

Natalie said...

well i can say without a doubt there are no furry little creatures in turkey. if you want to see raccoons or squirrels you must go to the zoo. really! however, there are street dogs that go through the trash nightly, but since the trash pile includes trash from all the apartments in our building nobody can tell who the trash strewn all over the street belongs to.

thanks for the parenting tip...a long stick...who knew! maybe you can market those!

lamb said...


HOW is the kid NOT turning around and giving the WTF face??

Judy @ No Fear Entertaining said...

I think you may be losing the effectiveness of the stick thing. He isn't paying any attention to you at all!!!!

This post had me laughing out loud...

JennDZ - The Leftover Queen said...

OMG! This is the funniest post yet, Britt! LOL!

Heather said...

Dammit, woman, when will you just start shooting/trapping those little fuckers?

Sigh. I feel your pain. Raccoons keep ripping all my pond plants out of their pots, I have rats living in my heating vents and the ants. The ants.

Brittany said...

Nilz...Thanks, the pain meds make me colorful:)

Natalie...Brilliant Idea, now I just need a catchy name!

Lamb...he's not turning around because he now expects this kind of crazy from me. Most I get these days is an eye roll.

Judy...Hmmmm...You are right, like the squirt bottle, the stick fad blew over...they started eating it

Jenn...Thanks! So, if I trap something cute and furry, do I come to youf or some absolutely brilliant recipe???

Heather...what.the.fuck. I mean serisouly, we don't live in Dickens time, how is it that rodents are taking over? If the economy gets worse, I'll be in my backyard roasting them on a spit wearing gloves with the fingers cut off.

Politi Gal said...

Britt...Heather...I'm warming up the popcorn popper as I write this.