Monday, June 9, 2008

The rest is still unwritten...cue dramatic fade to black...

I wish my life was like Lauren's from the Hills. Just a collection of random shots of me chewing food, texting on my phone, smirking at random strangers, or nervously biting my black nail polished fingers. Every once in a while, I could roll my eyes at Justin Bobby in his silly wanna-be Johnny Depp circa Benny and Joon hat and 8 o'clock shadow as he spouts out all his LA hipster lingo at me and tries to stare me down with his penetrating bad boy man gaze.

But alas, real life is never that fun.

Speaking of which, I hate online bill pay, I never remember to actually pay things, it's ridiculous. I need a tangible piece of paper to reference, or I am lost. I mean, I haven't physically written a check in 5 years, I don't even possess a check book. If you handed me a check to fill out, I wouldn't have the faintest idea what to do with it. Plus, I am pretty sure you have to spell out the numbers on there, and I have long since forgotten how to spell such things.

Damn you internet and texting with your 8teen billion ways to cheat spell!

I am also quite over this weather. Weather in Ohio is schizophrenic. We bounce between snow up to our elbows and boob sweating heat and humidity. The flavor of the week as of late has been severe storms and tornadic activity. I hate sitting in my scary basement without power. Last time we were down there, I killed a black spider the size of a fifty cent piece, and when I smacked it with my shoe, goo from it's insides shot up onto my face. I wanted to die...and vomit...but I couldn't, I had to stay strong. Plus, the only place to vomit would be the sump pump hole, and I am not convinced my husband wouldn't kill me if he had to fish puke out of there.

So, for 40 minutes, I had to entertain two boys and a dog by the light of my cell phone. We played the shadow puppet game, funny fart noise game, and by the end, we were even playing "here, fine, you can play with daddy's nerdy rare Star War collectors dolls, just stay away from the sump pump hole of death." I was desperate.

Luckily, no serious damage, just lots of down trees. On the plus side,the 6 million toys littering my backyard have blown into my neighbors yard...and it's kinda nice seeing our pretty grass.


Not Just Any Jen said...

I bet your neighbors love you ;) Our weather has been a bit psycho here in Indiana too.

Brittany said...

Not to mention people always think that while someone is writing a check is the perfect time to chat them up about the weather, the price of gas, and other such small talk. As if I'm gonna be able to write out the word 287 dollars while I'm being bullshitted to death.

Evil I tells ya.

Natalie said...

wow! actual weather. we get spit on here occasionally. and really that is it. oh, but in the winter there is snow. and more snow. and then i get depressed because i will never again see the sun.

i'm glad you can see the pretty, shiny, clean grass now. and who cares about the toys. i'm sure there are more where those came from!

lamb said...

boob sweating!! so Fing true

ali said...

On the bright side, at least you didn't have to entertain 2 boys, a dog, and a giant prehistoric looking turtle!

Sandy C. said...

OMG! You crack me up :) I adore your writing style!

I also love that I'm not alone in watching The Hills. What kills me is how they have all of those iced coffees from Starcrack and never gain an ounce. Ah, youth :(

Hope Mother Nature gets some treatment and mellows out for you soon.

Judy @ No Fear Entertaining said...

I hear you on the tornado' least you have a basement. Seeing as I am about sealevel we don't have basements. We end up in closets. Get this...2 kids, 3 dogs and us!!! Fun.

I gave you an award. Go to my blog and get it!

Laura said...

Maybe on a sleepy Sunday afternoon while my kids were napping (or sleeping off their cough medicine coma) I might have locked myself in the bathroom with black eye liner and mascara hoping to perfect the "Lauren eye"... Sadly, the finally product just got a "what took you so long?" from the hubby... not that "Lauren, what are you doing here?" that I was hoping for!

Jan said...

The weather there sounds a bit like Oklahoma, the lake that formed in our garden has just about subsided after 18 hours of storms and torrential rain.

Now it's back to sweaty boobs, and sweaty arse syndrome.

Michelle said...

The sump pump hole of death is my new favorite phrase of where some peeps can stick it. He he he. I know you of all people would encourage me to use your writing for good and not evil.

Brittany said...

Jen...I have no doubt in my mind they are still thanking God for the day we moved in:)

Brittany....I know, andthen becasue I am so not focused anyway, I end up writing a totally unrelated check word onto my check, like "cloudy" instead of 148, and then I have to void it and start all over again.

Natalie...There are plenty more where that came more toys.

Lamb...don't I know it! welcome back to blog land sweetie!

Ali...This is true. I will just let everyone assume that if I still had MCB in my possession, I would have gone outside in the scary storm to rescue him...which would have been unlikely. not do to my dislike of turtles, but more do to my dislike of death by flying cow (I've seen Twister like 10 times, I know how it works).

Sandy...I KNOW! I am convinced they are just drinking foamy brown water.

Judy...Thank you so much for the award!!!!! Seriously, I showed it to everyone in my house, even the dog! You are just amazing! However, I do not envy your closet tornado parties...maybe dig a cellar in your backyard:)

Laura...HA! Husbands are idiots:) I tried the black nail polish thing, and my hubby asked me if I was being goth from now on! I was like, hunny, this is the style now, duh:)

Jan. Oklahoma! what am I complaining about, aren't you all known for your scary tornadoes!? You are a brave woman, and I feel you on the sweaty boob/ass combo. Baby powder works wonders this time of year:)

Michelle...You know me all too well, and now you can threaten your husband with the sump pump hole of death if he doesn't take you to Paris:)

Sarah said...

I, too, need Lauren's life. FOR ONE DAY! That's all I ask.