Saturday, June 7, 2008

What the storm blew in.


This is Master Chilly Bottoms.

I am not sure if Master Chilly Bottoms is his given name, but the boys insist otherwise.

My brother, Adam, found MCB walking down his road...which is odd, as his house is the only house on the entire country road, so either Mr. Chilly Bottoms was lost, or he is a very dedicated Jehovah's Witness. I am guessing that he was lost, as he wasn't wearing a cheap clip on tie, carrying pamphlets are trying to sell me on the good word.

Adam thought my house would be the perfect place for Master Chilly Bottoms to live and flourish. Which makes sense. All I need right now is a giant tortoise to care for for the next 150 plus years. Oh yes, this thing will outlive me. I will have to make a stipulation in my will for Master Chilly Bottoms.

And don't try and play to my soft spot by telling me the boys can ride on him like a little horse, because that just means this bitch is gonna get big, so big, in fact, if he happens to die an untimely death, I will have to dig a hole next to him, and roll him in it.

This is how I know I am old, I am practical. In my younger (possibly stoner-ish) years, I would have been like, fuck yeah, let's keep the tortoise! Let's ride it around instead of a car, build it a tortoise hut behind the house, and paint politically relevant messages on it's shell!

Now, owning a tortoise is a chore I, for one, am not up for. I don't need more poop around here that isn't mine to clean up, and I don't need to remember to feed yet another mouth on a daily basis.

Adam: You won't even ever have to mow, he eats grass and dandelions!
Me: His diet consists of grass and dandelions, or you put grass and dandelions in front of his mouth and he ate it?
Adam: Um...the latter.

Yeah, Master Chilly Bottoms will not be living here. No matter how much fun he is to touch and ride on.


13 comments:

Janet said...

Laughing out loud, as always, Brittany. I love the quip about the Jehovah's Witness.

But that tortoise is one big sucker, and for all you know he may still be in his infancy!

Judy @ No Fear Entertaining said...

I so here you on cleaning up after one more thing!!! Even the fish are pushing my patience right now!!!

Emily said...

Why did Adam think that was a good idea? Besides, he's the one who likes creatures...why doesn't he just keep it?

Politi Gal said...

I agree-FREE CHILLY! For all the reasons you listed, plus I'm pretty sure he's got important work to get back to in Turtle City anyway.

ssgreylord said...

I love MCB. Let me clarify, I love him in your backyard (not mine). Seeing as I live in the desert though I think I'm safe from fighting off turtles. I absolutely adored your line about his being a dedicated Jehovah's witness. What an image. Thanks for a funny read...

Not Just Any Jen said...

You are right. You do not need another pooping anything unless it is human. Tell you brother to take Chilly Bottom home. The boys (so cute btw) will never know the difference. Get out while you can!

Nilz said...

The best part of the story is that he gets a havoc human name ... Master Chilly Bottoms! Might be just little too hectic for him to remember! Still laughing...

Beth said...

"This is how I know I am old, I am practical. In my younger (possibly stoner-ish) years, I would have been like, fuck yeah, let's keep the tortoise! Let's ride it around instead of a car, build it a tortoise hut behind the house, and paint politically relevant messages on it's shell!"

Ha! That about sums up our maturation, doesn't it. Once we're moms it just seems like EVERYTHING becomes a chore. He is a cool little ride-on toy though...

Thanks for visiting my blog. I'll be back:)

Beth - Total Mom Haircut

schwartz said...

That looks like an African Spurthigh Tortoise, in which case they need sooo much more than just dandelions to feed on during the day. I had one for two years and it wasnt as big as MCB is...that one appears to be pushing the 3-4 year old mark. They live for around 100-150 years and can weigh just as much. Oh, yeah, just wait until it starts to dig humongoid holes in your backyard. And where do you keep it when its snowing? A shed simply wont do when you have a 150 pound tortoise in your way. They are aptly nicknamed the 'little bulldozers' b/c nothing gets in their way.

Sorry for the tortoise talk! I loved mine, his name was Ralph The Wonder Tortoise. Alas, Ralph had to move back to FLA with my aunt because I was spending more on food per week for him than for 2 adults!

Let dear MCB go...he'll be fine.

ali said...

Wow that thing is huge! Our town is having a turtle race this week and I think that thing would scare off all the competition!

How redneck did that sound?!

Brittany said...

Janet...I am pretty sure he is still young, but unlike a smooshy puppy face, I am having no trouble saying no:)

Judy...I hear ya, is it wrong I secretly hope to find one belly up?

Emily...I have a fenced yard, as to corral the monster.

Politi...I am so glad you pointed this out to me, here I thought I would steal him away for private turtle rides, when he CLEARLY has a career and life outside of pleasure cruising:)

SS...Thanks for stopping in, and I have to say, i think I would much rather enjoy his in YOUR yard:)

Jen...Oh I am out. OUT! MCB is living and pooping at my brohters:)

Nilz...My boys have quite a knack for naming mundane things:)

Beth...Thanks for popping in! Yeah, I see everything as added work these days. i asked my husband if we could sell it all and travel the country in an RV for a year...he says he'll get back to me on it.

Amanda...Aside for the scary amount of turtle knowledge you pocess, i have to say I agree with you. MCB no longer resides with me, he is roaming free on my brother's land.

Ali...You are hilarious, we can be red neck friends, because I, for one, would probably attend and cheer out loud at a turtle race:)

Gypsy at Heart said...

Just out of curiosity, what are you feeding him? What a cute picture you took of your baby with MCB by the way.

Brittany said...

Gypsy...Thanks, he is living with my brother, but word on the street is he is eating hydrangeas and geraniums. Yum:)