Friday, July 18, 2008

Everybody wants to rule the world.

The other day, I got a package in the mail. It arrived on the heels of "the discussion" hubby and I had had regarding him being more romantic and thoughtful, as in, more thoughtful than just bringing me back a hot dog wrapped in wet napkins from the golf course.

I was giddy as I tore into that thing, paper was flying everywhere. Last time he had a package come for me in the mail, it was a Senseo coffee maker...that he got free...for filling out an online survey...he had already reached his limit of free Senseo coffee makers, so he fraudulently has been using my name to get more free coffee makers...none of which I use...because I hate coffee.

So, just seeing that this box, in no way, resembled a Senseo coffee maker, I was already gushing about how awesome he was, and how I may just have to thank him in a dirty, inappropriate way that I won't go into details about here...although, I did just tell you all I had a tick on my labia, so who am I kidding about having some sort of moral standards. Blow job, people, I was talking about a blow job.

Anyways, I got the box open, and it was a...

Let's pause right here. My husband has never been spontaneous, romantic, or thoughtful. At least not in that motion picture kind of way. He is witty, handsome,dry and sarcastic. I fell madly in love with him for those reasons, so I have no idea why I have a need every few months to whine about his inability to sweep me off my feet in some grand romantic gesture, when I am perfectly happy with his sexy ass humor every other day of the week. I mean, I should be ok with the fact that when I go to the mall, I will always be the sweet one who brings him back his favorite candy coated cashews...and when he goes, he comes back telling me how he conned the girl at The Gap to give him an extra bag becasue he knows I "enjoy" using them to put dirty diapers in before I toss them. Yeah.

Sorry, back on track.

It was a....Tears for Fears t shirt, size small.

Yes. I see how this can be confusing. Some of you are probably saying, "Wait Brittany, you don't strike me as the Tears for Fear (TFF) type." And you'd be right. Some of you are also probably saying, "Wait Brittany, you're pretty hot, but no offense, there is no way you are a size small." And, you be right about that as well.

I was that kind of girlfriend. I "liked" whatever my boyfriend at the time liked. My friends were just discussing this the other day, and as embarrassing as it is to admit right now, I was the queen of "hey, me too!"

My boyfriend liked skateboarding and hanging out next to the grocery store parking lot and jumping cement barriers...hey, me too.

My boyfriend liked mushrooms and watching Cheech and Chong...hey, me too.

My boyfriend was obsessed with Nascar and Budweiser...hey, me too.

My boyfriend liked going to strip clubs and wanted to bring a stripper named Cinnamon back to his parent's condo with us...hey...he was an asshole. We broke up. He slept with the stripper though. I think they are married and have a kid...turns out her name wasn't really Cinnamon, it was Doreen...and she had crabs.

Anyways, you see where this is going. I adopted the hobbies of my boyfriends. Was it my brightest moment in feminism? No. But, it did leave me with a huge skill set. My balance on small objects is impeccable, I am a whiz at making late night munchies, and I can assemble a beer bong faster than Forrest Gump can put together a rifle.

So, my husband, then boyfriend, liked TFF...hey, me too. I was a team player, I took one for the team...literally...the first time we had sex was to Shout. And, to this day, he thinks that I am as much a Tears for Fears fan as he is. Hence, this grand romantic gesture.

Oh, and as for the size small shirt, I can't quite figure out if my husband, God bless him, actually thinks that I am a size small...or he buys crap like that so I look like a Hooters waitress.


Natalie said...

so are you still planning to thank him in your oh so special way? even though you really don't like tears for fears? even though a small shirt won't really fit?

and the tick story. good lord i can only imagine how much that hurt being removed.

i am an underwear wearer. i've tried the whole commando thing and i always feel more uncomfortable and aware of the no underwear than anything else. i guess i could get used to it though.

and squatting to pee...totally perfected that! with underwear on even.

kel said...

Classic. Just pretend to be ecstatic, and wear it a couple of times. That'll reinforce him to buy you more gifts. it's basic psychology, hon. can you hate coffee? Are you insane??????

Jennifer said...

Wait a don't like coffee!?

Well, it was sweet of him to get you the TFF t-shirt. I'd be totally flattered if my husband bought me something in size small--even though I'd have to return it!

HeatherW said...

I feel time I got size small Nike work out shorts...I am not a size small!! :)

And how in the heck is he getting these free Senseo coffee machines!! I need to get on that bandwagon!!

Barb said...

Yipee, one of the first to comment!

You are so funny, I think we need a picture of this 80's tshirt, and if you are looking to unload of coffee maker, let me know!


Politi Gal said...

"...and I can assemble a beer bong faster than Forrest Gump can put together a rifle."

Now that one really caught me sideways, causing me to do an unexpected spit take, with, what

(RE The last place you'd look: Ahh...that explains it! I guess I can stop checking the mailbox;)

Mom Taxi Julie said...

Well I think I'd don the t shirt while giving him his reward (bra less of course!) I don't think my husband has ever bought me anything that came in the mail and especially not anytime it wasn't a holiday.

ali said...

Your hubby is such a rebel. I want another free senseo to give to my sis but I'm afraid I'll get caught. How can such a rebel be a TFF fan? Nelson, yes, but TFF?!

lamb said...

u have no idea how many times my mind has trailed off within the last day or so and started going "tick. labia. die. I WANT TO DIE"

fucking love that line.

ali said...

Oh, I forgot to add...

4 oz coffee, 4 oz milk, 1 oz flavored syrup and it's not coffee anymore--you'll love it over ice!

Mekhismom said...

You are so funny! I am absolutely adding you to my blog roll. My son is calling me now so I can't write much more, but I understand the Me Too thing. I went thru that for awhile and when I finally gave it up I got married. Go Figure!

Swirl Girl said...

You are too much, my new friend.
I added you to my 'good little boys and swirls' blogroll.

love the story and your husband sounds like such a sweetie!

I'd wear the small tshirt while I was blowin' him...he deserves that!

Jo-Jo said...

Can I mention again how much I love reading your blogs?! I know what you mean about the whole over the top romantic thing. I do that with my hubby. His idea of buying me something to let me know he is thinking about me is a Whatchamacallit. (remember those? very good but not romantic) Give him the blow job with the Tee on if it looks sexy...Course he'll be happy if its off too. Teeheehee

Anissa@Hope4Peyton said...

Seriously, I would bet BIG money that it's all about the Hooters look....don't let the puzzle keep you up at night.

You do crack me up nonstop! I was so waiting to see what fun, non-descript-brown-paper love bundle your husband got you...figuring it came with the Sam's size package of D-cell batteries.

TFF, that works too.

AJ said...

Glad I'm not the only one. I can honestly say at one time, I was a die hard Korn fan. And then a die hard Phish fan.

...and I know someone who's name actually is Cinammon. I can't tell you how many times I've said "what were her parents thinking?"

Brittany said...

Natalie...Done and done. Hopefully I have worn the shirt enough to hide it and not have to think about it for a while. And, maybe you could upload a video tutorial on the squat and pee...APPARENTLY, some of us still have issues with it.

Kel...You are way more vixen savvy than I, that's why I need you to stick around, to teach me this stuff. And yes..i hate coffee. I offer a reward to anyone who can get me to like it so I stop ordering the frozen strawberry thing from Starbucks like a little girl.

Jennifer...I know! I am like a freak of nature with this coffee thing. I totally wish I liked it, but i don't. It makes my teeth nauseous even!

Heather...Size small workout shorts!? That is a double edged sword, wrong size AND insinuating the need for exercise. Silly boys.

Barb...HA! I take pictures of myself in many an embarrassing predicament, but TFF shirt is will not be one of them...for now...ya never know how low I will stoop in the future.

Politi...Dude I know, if that had been an in demand task in the armed forces, maybe I would have joined up.

Mom Taxi...Ok, I did it. It was tight and constrictive...maybe he has some dominatrix issues he is trying to hint to me about.

Ali...I know! My first tip off should have been the T4F tattoo on his lower back, but I never put the two together.

Lamb...Why thank was so the truth. I say lots of things make me want to die, but that time, the statement never rang truer.

Mehkismom...What is with us woman and our need to assimilate into the dream girl. what girl likes Nascar or strip joints!?! How foolish we were. And I am PSYCHED to be on your blog roll.

Swirl...And that I did darling. He enjoyed every minute...and I will never wear it again. I had to all but tear out of it like the Hulk.

JoJo...Thanks babe! And I think we need to school these boys on what constitutes romance these days. Whatchmacallits are good, but not blow job good.

Anissa...See, NOW you are thinking, those are my FAVORITE kinds of gifts! It's the ONLY reason I even use my Sam's membership...besides for the huge packages of toilet paper.

AJ...Shut. Up. What kind of real life name is that? Was she a red head? This is mind boggling!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...


I have a HMT (hey, me too) friend and she has a big screen TV and knows how to play all the video games out there. Men are so funny when it comes to buying too small clothes. It's like they are afraid to insult you by buying too big, or they really do think you are that small. I do the same thing for myself holding up a pair of pants thinking I am really that small. And I am wrong every single time.

flickrlovr said...

Oh dear. Guys are such bad guessers sometimes.

And by the way? I hate coffee too. Okay, that's mostly true. I love the smell of it, unless I'm nauseous...and I like the HINT of coffee taste (as in a grande caramel frappucino with extra caramel make-it-taste-like-the-coffee's-not-even-there).

You are hee-lair-ee-us. Yet again. As always.

Keep on keepin' on woman.

P.S. Did hubs ever apologize for the neighborhood comment last week?!?

JL said...

I was tired & decided to catch up on your blog...this is the best post I've read all week!

Emiline said...

I can't tell you how much I've been enjoying reading your blog!
You crack me up.
Loved the boyfriend references.

I've done that thing where you like everything your boyfriend likes. I think probably every girl has. I wonder if guys do it? I refuse to act like that anymore though. But...I'm still single.

I think that's so sweet that he bought you that shirt! It's a lot better than a bag from the Gap.

J.Danger said...

How can you NOT like coffee?! What do you do in the morning?!

And how in the world do I get a free coffee maker?

Crystal said...

Aw! I love my free senseo! Your tick story...hysterical!

Love it! Love your blog!! Thanks for visiting me!

LiteralDan said...

Can't it be a little of column A, a little of column B? The man is a genius.

And what exactly is wrong with Tears for Fears??

Average Girl In Average World said...

You just made me realize I am a "me-2" :(

Guess what? I had a tick on my the post.