Thursday, July 17, 2008

The last place you'd look

Last night we went to a bonfire in the fields behind a friend's house.

I was ill prepared, donning a sundress and flip flops, but, I have hiked my skirt up for nastier situations, so hurdling knee high corn wasn't an issue.

We had fun, the boys had fun, there was plenty of Busch and Skynyrd to go around, the night was a success. In a moment of classiness...and laziness...I decided that the house was a hike I didn't feel like making, and decided a squat and pee was my best bet (just a little trick I picked up as a debutante).

The squat and pee is a skill, there is a lot of balance work involved, discretion, and ingenuity because, well, you gotta find something creative to wipe with.

I squatted. I peed. Things went off without a hitch, no drunken friends finding me and trying to push me over, no poison ivy leaves, and no pee on my underwear...because...ummm...I wasn't wearing any.

This, my friends, could be a whole post in itself. I only wear underwear when I am involved in some sort of sport, other times, I opt out. It's not to be sexy or scandalous, it's just a comfort issue.

Period.

Oh...and I guess during that time, too, duh.

So, the night ended, we went home, went to bed, the end.

Except!

This morning I had to go in for my yearly. Sweet Jesus, I am turning into my mother. Anyways, I went in for the pap. As I am sure most women can attest, it isn't something I looked forward to, it's a necessity to keep my lady parts healthy and in working order.

I arrived early, as the OBGYN is the one place I am guaranteed to feel hot and skinny with all those chubby preggos hanging about. Hubby wanted me to at least take one of the boys with me, but I put a stop to that nonsense at once. Nothing like chasing a toddler around the room half naked, getting all sweaty in areas I need to remain cool in.

Hub: Seriously, can you just take one of them?
Me: It's too hard hun, they get into everything, plus, there are pictures of vaginas, like, all over the walls...don't you think they are a little young to see vagina pictures?
Hub: Yeah, maybe that isn't a good idea.
Me: Well, if you think so sweetie, you're the boss.

I got called back, weighed (whores!), and given the 5x5 not quite a gown to change into.

Everything was going swimmingly.

My OB is a doll, super friendly, and super quick (the best quality one can possess when they are in charge of sticking cold metal things inside of you).

I was laying back, trying to act engrossed in the faux conversation we were having to distract the awkwardness of her rooting around in my hoohoo, when she stopped me in the middle of my fruit salsa recipe and pushed her chair back.

What?

"Hmmm."

What?

Cancer?

I have cancer?

You can see it, am I going to die?

"Um..."

Tell me!

Wait, do you see a baby in there?

IS THERE A BABY IN THERE!?

She reached for the longest pair of tweezers ever, and pinched my girliness so hard I almost passed out.

"Got it!"

Excuse me?

"Look, you had a tick on your labia."

Labia. Tick. Die. I want to die.

This, darlings, is why you always wear underwear in a cornfield.

61 comments:

neoinileias said...

You have quite interesting blog...

HeatherW said...

Oh my gosh!! That tops any girl related story I have ever had!! Good thing you had an exam the day after you squatted in the fields!!

The Mom said...

I'm dying. There were so many things going on in my head and that wasn't one of them!

Ear of Corn...well anyway.

shannon said...

Ok, I'm sorry that's horrible, but I was LOL'ing at it..

Not Just Any Jen said...

Oh my God!!!
At least you got in there today and not like in a week or two.
Bless you, I think I would have died too.
And my last visit I had to take one of my little boogers. It was exactly as you described, chasing him around naked. Fun! Unfortunately, I rarely get out of the house without one. Even when I am going for a pap.

Jennifer said...

OMG--That is the freakiest thing ever!! It's a good thing you had your dr. appt.!!

H.E.Eigler said...

OMG! Thank god you were at the Dr and they got it quick. What if it had feasted for days and gotten all fat and well, swollen. What then!

Aross' Blog said...

Just logistics here, but what IF your appt. wasn't today? Is Daddy doing the duty? You have way more balls (and tics) than me because I once forgot a tampon. And, it was NONE to pleasant. Haven't had the courage to blog it out though. I hear it's common. Although maybe she was being nice. Did she say if tics are also common?

AJ said...

That was totally an episode of House! Do you watch it? Only on TV the girl had severe allergies so she nearly died. But wowzers! That is one hell of a story!

AJ said...

...and the country song "I'd like to check you for ticks" just took on a whole new meaning in my head.

Fiesty Charlie said...

Sister friend! I am not sure I have ever met another commando chic!

I freaking hate underwear, don't own them, a few boxer shorts and that is it. Boxers are WAY more comfy...

I have never had the tick problem, but I don't have the chance to squat my twat that often in a corn field....

Why is the song about flea collars going through my head?

"Ohhh there ain't no bugs on me, there ain't no bugs on me... there might be bugs on some of your mugs, but there ain't no bugs on me...."

How can we update it to match your situation? LOL

Brittany said...

Neo...yes. yes I do.

Heather...I KNOW!

Jen...HAHAHA! an ear of corn would be WAY harder to explain!

Shannon...It's ok, I find it equally amusing...now...not so much then.

Jen...OMG kids should not be allowed there ever. If I had had my kids with me today, I would have left them in the room, I darted out of there so fast.

Jennifer...I thanked god the whole way home!

HE...Um, yeah. thanks for that image. I think I would have passed out had that been the case.

Aross...Um, I guess I am glad my Dr found it over my hubby...he is a woman when it comes to removing/killing bugs. I would have been hunched over with a mirror trying to get it myself, and he would have been crying in the corner.

AJ...YOU CAN DIE FROM A TICK ON YOUR VAGINA!?!??!! I must watch this show!
And, that is the funniest song title ever!

Laura said...

I just spit water out... threw my nose!

Dear Lord you have the funniest stories ever. Defiantly file that one under "couldn't make this shit up if I were Stephen King"

Emily said...

I. Am. DYING. Over. Here.

Jan said...

I shouldn't laugh, but I can't help it. It's bad enough finding ticks on the cats. I can't imagine, well yes I can.

lamb said...

holy fucking shit. tell me your joking!

YOU just beat my birthing a tampon story.

J.Danger said...

no EFFING way!

OMG!

Jo-Jo said...

Oh my gosh! I HATE ticks and I am ALWAYS scared I am going to get one in my hair....now I am worried about everywhere else too!

Dejoni said...

Just pissed myself...

Mekhismom said...

You are too damn funny! I cannot believe this happened to you. . lucky you had the gyn appointment, can you imagine if it was just living down there for awhile?

kel said...

Thanks for the humorous deliverance of the tips. I hate underwear as well. I'll be sure to wear them next time I'm in a cornfield....except.....I live nowhere near any cornfields. Got any tips for the beach? Love your blog!!!!

Nichol said...

Holy Crap!

Brittany said...

Charlie...I would try boxers, but my jeans are too tight. Although, i have slept in my hubby's boxer briefs before, and they were delightful!

Laura...Why thank you sweetie!

Emily...I know, come hang out with my newly bugless crotch this weekend, it misses you...hehehe.

Jan...Dude, it was scary. I am so glad I didn't find it on my own, or I would have screamed.

Lamb...No. Joke. We both have vagina issues.

Danger...For reals girl, I know, insanity!

JoJo...NOWHERE is safe! NO WHERE!

Dejoni...Clean yourself up and make sure you check yourself after you come from outside...or get your hubby to.

Mekhi's Mom...No, I cannot. That is beyond too scary to think about!

Kel...Um...make sure no fish swim up your bathing suit? Or crabs...hehehe.

Nichol...I KNOW!

Little House on Green said...

I will never ever ever ever EVER again, do the squat and pee. You and your labia tic story are going to be forever in my mind - and it's hysterical!

I found a tick on a girlfriend one time and I watched it grow all day, I thought it was a freaky mole. Oh, and it was on her neck, not her girly parts.

(p.s. Seriously, glad you're okay!)

Mom Taxi Julie said...

OH MY GOD I think I would have passed out!

Lisa Marie said...

I am peeing all over right now!!! You freaking rock my socks with this shit!!!! lol I have cancer? Am I going to die? lol OMG!!! Too Much!!! When are we going to the duck!?!?!?! lol

Sandy C. said...

Sweet jeebus! You gotta give warning before posting this kind of hilarity!!!

I have my yearly in a few weeks. THIS will be all I'll be thinking about while in stirrups. Thanks!

Jackal said...

Priceless!!!

Emiline said...

OMG that is hilarious!!! Ahhh! I'm dying.

Peanut2211 said...

i am in shock. i was wondering how in the heck a story about squatting in a cornfield was relevant to a pap smear, but now i know.

and im with you on the underwear thing. Zach is trying to demand I wear it with dresses and i laughed at him.

all i have to say is thank GOD you had an OB appt because I cannot imagine what would have happened if not.

LiteralDan said...

I must perform a slow, admiring clap. Bravo, bravo! Well-written, expertly paced, and eminently surprising.

Though the pantyless hiking up of the skirt might have made for a more crowd-pleasing post (depending on the crowd), this is my favorite story featuring a tic on a labia ever.

The best part is, now you have a new saying for the rest of your life: "You know, that guy has been a tic on my labia for WAY too long..."

P.S. Apparently, You + Corn = Blogging Gold.

Gail said...

this was hilarious... and really well-written. Glad to have found your blog!

Erica said...

Ok, wow. A tick in there? Ugh! I guess it was fortunate you had your yearly exam scheduled when you did!

I just came across your blog (found it by clicking on one of your comments on another blog) and I have to say, I love your writing style. This post had me cracking up. I'll definitely be back!

Kate said...

Ok, I know it's not funny.
But I cannot stop laughing!
You really have a knack for telling a story and making it hilarious!

schwartz said...

It is posts like this that make me happy that I know you IRL. I feel blessed to have this type of hilarity everyday.
Bless you Bananas. Bless you.

Shelly... said...

Speechless!
Glad everything turned out okay though and this story will give me pause when I squat and pee next time I go camping.

Brittany said...

Little House...Ok, growing ticks makes my skin crawl! And, let this be a squat and pee PSA!

Julie...Dude, I almost did...of HUMILIATION!

Lisa...Let's go this weekend!!!

Sandy...Have your hubby do a tick check before:)

Jackal...Why thank you:)

Emiline...HA! I know, it was so humiliating!

Peanut...Dude, wearing underwear with dresses is for nuns!

Dan...YAY! I was waiting for a man to comment! You am enamored with your bravery good sir! Now, I must say, you have provided me with my most favorite comment ever! Next time the corn field hiking of the skirt takes place, I will make sure to have a camera around.

Gail...I am equally as glad to have you here sweets!

Erica...YAY! I am so glad you found me, and thanks for the praise, you better be back missy:)

Kate...Thanks:) My husband just loves that it takes me 40 minutes to tell a story:)

Schwartz...Awww girl, don't make me tear up!

Shelly...Yes, pause...and do a tick check.

flickrlovr said...

ohmigawd.

I now have 83 more reasons to love you. And I now know you a bit more, um, intimately. As in the i-know-you-like-the-squat-and-pee-and-by-the-way-hate-wearing-undies way. Good times, good times.

I almost died of laughter. I literally alllmost died.

Oh, how lucky I am to have you in my life.

Hahahahahahahaha.

And on a more serious note, if there can be one following this sort of hilarity: thank God for that appointment the day after. Jesus.

stephanie (bad mom) said...

Heavens to Betsy and no fricking way.

BTW, husband asking you to take a kid to the gyno appointment? Instant banishment. You were too kind.

(Thanks for visiting me :D)

Marie said...

Ok, laughing too much here! Sorry, but couldn't help it. This reminds me, I have to get my hoo-hoo checked soon too. Ugh.

Gwen said...

Oh me dear GOD.

Bethany said...

THAT.IS.SCURRRRY!!! I don't know if I'd be able to refrain from barfing right then and there. Bugs [along w/ you and your anti-underwearness if that's a word] are not my thang! I just stumbled upon your blog... and now I'm adding it to my favorites! Your funny!

flickrlovr said...

I forgot to tell you that you're a winnah! Well, you already knew that, but I gave you an award over at my place today: http://idblogthaton.blogspot.com/2008/07/first-annual-ibt-awards.html

And this post was still just as LOL funny the second time around...

Candi said...

No freaking way!!! I bet you'll think twice next time you go pantyless to a party again, well maybe :) You THINK about it anways, right! LOL

Bee Repartee said...

I came by...long story...

All I could do was cower and hold my bits. OUCH.

One word for you with an awesome new invention: Whizzy

(And no, I don't sell them. haha)

Swirl Girl said...

Thanks for stopping by to see me!

BTW- had you not found something to wipe with, and keegled (sp?) to drip dry , you may have avoided the nasty tick on the labia thing.

And, did you ever , ever think you would use the words tick and labia in the same sentence?

Underwear? I vote for cast iron over cotton!

funny note: the word verification for my comment is 'zgulp' which is just so fitting to your post!

www.swirlgirlspearls.blogspot.com

Judy @ No Fear Entertaining said...

OMG...does anything normal ever happen to you???? I just had my pap done today, with my two girls in the room with me. Such fun!!! But at least I didn't have ticks!

Chuck said...

OMGosh where did you come from?/! You're a hoot...you came to my blog, so now I find myself at yours...makes perfect sense. What. A. Story. My mouth dropped to the ground and I am seriously laughing out loud. I shall have to traverse back here regularly. Have a gr8 weekend *smoochies*

p.s. how did you find me, anyway? lemmeno!

Brittany said...

flickr...I'm a giver sweetie, I feel the need to share the intimate details of my privates with my nearest and dearest, and that, my child, is you:)

Stephanie...For reals, and there was NO WAY I was going to take toddler with me, i can't maintain control with my feet in the stirrups:)

Marie...Oh yes, make sure you get your yearly hoohoo check, if nothing else, let thispost serve as a reminder!

Gwen...Word. Word.

Bethany...Hey thanks for looking past my commando bug infestations to stick around:)

flickr...WOOT! Thanks!

Candi...Oh yes, I put a pair of undies in my glove box, so I will never be exposed to the buggies again!

Bee..HA! It has always been my dream to pee standing up, so I am all over the Whizzy...and that name is SWEET!

Swirl...Dude, I can never remember to do my kegels, I get exhausted after 5 of them...my vagina is a lazy ass.

Judy...What's not normal about having a tick on your girl parts?! And, I applaud your ability to control your kids, I would have been a sweaty mess.

Chuck...WHAT UP CHUCK! Get it, up chuck? Anyhoo, I am so glad you came by. I found you through some other brilliant blog, I can't remember, but let's just call it fate:)

Chat Blanc (aka Sandy) said...

holy hoohoo batman! that seriously freaks me out! you poor thing! I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy (okay, I would, but not on anyone I actually like). stay tick-free!

Anonymous said...

Thank you So much for bringing so much laughter into my life! LOL...Love this. I am a lurker (sigh)! But this one..just made me hysterical. LOL..thanks for the laughs!

Anonymous said...

In fact..this is why I am a lurker..I try to leave a comment and get all these errors! Oh whatever. I just want to say Thanks for the laughs!! You are too funny!

ali said...

Fast forward to the year 2064:
"And here's where Great-Granny Brittany got a TICK on her LABIA."

This will make for some interesting reading for future generations!

Bren@Flanboyant Eats said...

i am laughing hysterically as i read your story and the comments. this is CLASSIC!!

oh yeah!

so glad it was extracted in time!

Brittany said...

OH. SWEET. LORD. Do you need a hug? Jesus- thats just something I never would have thought of. You have done us ladies a favor with that warning.

Black Hockey Jesus said...

I have no idea what to say in response to the content of this post.

Mommie Mayhem said...

omg lol well good thing she found it. I would take a tick instead of a baby up there any day lol .. 3 is enough for me. Great blog !!

lisabella said...

that tick wasted no time! Speedy little suckers!

jozette said...

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my god. i have not laughed that hard in a long time. i just found your blog through Black Hockey Jesus. YOU are a fantastic writer. and I am going to read more of your blog. I can't wait.

texasholly said...

Holy crap girl. That is seriously the funniest thing I have read in a long time. God bless your OB/GYN and the stories that she now has to tell...

~annie said...

Just found you through Happy Hour Sue. My 12 year old son keeps asking me why I'm laughing... my...ass...off. yeah I know - LMOA. Now I have 2 favorite funny blogs. Great stuff!!