Tuesday, July 1, 2008

When things go painfully wrong.

I don't want to worry anyone, but...I am pretty sure my eyebrows are going to fall off.

I spent a few hours at the salon today getting my hair colored. I don't want this to come as a shock to any of you, but I am actually not a natural blond, so unfortunately, a monthly bleaching is required. And, honestly, I love it. It gets me out of the house for a few hours, free to read all the gossip rags my kids eat or tear apart at home, and I don't have to listen to anything but the hum of the dryer.

Because I like to give off the general notion that the carpet does, in fact, at least resemble the drapes, my stylist normally tosses some bleach on my brows the last 10 or 15 minutes, and it lightens things a bit.

But, of course, that is just not good enough for me. So, after a bit of whining and begging, I had her apply the bleach right away, so it could bleach things out completely over the course of the 30-40 minutes.

Turns out, this was not a good idea. Eyebrow skin did not approve of such a measure.

The result? Well, some blood, a few blisters, bruising and, of course, scary pussy red spots.

In short, it looks like I have eyebrow herpes. EYEBROW. HERPES.

This could honestly not come at a better time, as I am due to meet, for the first time ever, a group of people for a publicity committee I have recently been appointed to at my church (see mom, St. Peter would be proud). These people have never seen me sans eyebrow herp before.

Luckily, I have been talked off the ledge of drastic bang cutting, and am considering a tale of impetigo picked up from my selfless missionary work in some made-up third world country.

Unless, of course, you think this is a more discreet option for the evening?

No?

I'm fucked.

33 comments:

Laura said...

Oh dear Lord! Thank you for the photo! I'm sorry, but that is the funniest thing I have seen in a LONG time!

Emily said...

Oh no! Your poor brows. Maybe you should use a sharpie to draw some fake brows on your band aids. That would look natural.

Aross' Blog said...

I mean, you could roll in all Lindsay Lohan or Mary-Kate and wear sunglasses that only show your chin.

Michelle said...

Girl, what the hell did you do to piss karma off? You sleeping with the mail man or something? He he he. Hope they get better soon!

Oh and I second Em's idea of Sharpie eyebrows. Klassy.

Marie said...

Oh crap. Do you have long bangs? Like reeeaally long bangs? Or a fancy hat that would somehow shade/cover your eyebrows?

Shelly... said...

I thought the time I waxed my eyebrows and the skin came off below it because of the Retin A I was using was bad, but NOOOO I think you topped that. If it makes you feel any better your hair looks FABULOUS! Hopefully, the eyebrows will heal quickly!

Not Just Any Jen said...

Put some neosporin on them, that should help them heal up quick. If it is any consolation, your hair looks great! I never would have guessed you weren't a natural.

Emiline said...

Aww, you're so pretty! Except for them brows.
I highlight my hair too. I wait to get home and bleach my eyebrows with a kit. I always wanted to ask it they'd do my eyebrows, but...I guess I was scared?

Natalie said...

that is hysterical. the eyebrows on the band-aid could work...or the sunglasses. i am too busy trying to actually picture eyebrow herpes to come up with anything original.

schwartz said...

hold on...do you still have eyebrows under the band aids? Or just eyebrow herpes?
I would go with the missionary work...that sounds believable!!

Dejoni said...

Woman,
I don't know what the "f" to say...but what the hell were you thinking? And please don't tell me you put this on your poo-tee-poo? They make a product for that called Brown Betty Down There...several colors...even hot pink.
Get some cortisone cream and doctors those places...draw some freaky brows on and be proud...and NEVER forget the summer of the brow 2008.

JL said...

Serioulsy...that is the funniest thing I've ever read on a blog!

Fiesty Charlie said...

I am seriously considering taking myself to the hospital to get a psych evaluation....

There is something seriously wrong with me if I am laughing this hard at your pain....

I have the can't stop giggles! Can use the picture as my desktop background?? This way, when the family is driving me crazy... I can just look at it and the world will be alright again.

Ummmmm... I am glad you did not seriously try and change the "carpet!" Bwwwwwhaahahahahaahaha

J.Danger said...

well your hair looks great!

Lather em up with good ole' Neosporin, and wait.

You know how like a year ago it was way fashionable to wear scarves wrapped around your forehead like a bandana? Do that!

Or you could just wear the bandana and let them think you are in a gang! Some publicist!

Sandy C. said...

Oh...My...Ay-Yi-Yi!!!!!

I am oh so very sorry....

Perhaps a terry cloth headband with a cute tennis skirt. Run into the meeting out of breath saying your volunteer tennis lessons at the Boys and Girls club ran over?

ali said...

Sharpie eyebrows--I love it! Reminds me of a Seinfeld episode!

Kelli said...

Um...since everyone else is commenting on the brows, I thought I'd take the time to address another issue I noticed: YOUR KIDS ARE EATING TRASHY MAGAZINES!!! I"m not gonna lie. That's REALLY bad for them. Probably it would be better for them if you bought such wholesome magazines as Oprah and Good Parenting. HaHa. You sure are a funny girl. The husband going blind post remains my favorite.

DunnRight said...

Sorry for you loss, haha. You're very funny!

Rockin' Chains said...

Salute you for posting the pic. Makes you look cute in a way :)

Amanda said...

Oh my goodness! I would walk in and act like nothing is wrong and give them lots of "what are you looking at?" looks. Like, don't you know this is the fashion?

I hope they heal soon!

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

I can't beleive your hairdresser let you talk her into that! I hope she did your hair for free! I have considered lightening myeyebrows but now I can say for certain I will hang wiht my brown brows...Hope you heal quickly--divine intervention maybe?

AJ said...

God gave us children so that we would always have the sick/crabby child exuse to cancel certain events. I'm a firm beleiver of that:)

lamb said...

i wouldn't have even noticed the bandaged up herpes if you hadn't told me to look.

i swear.

IRISHKAT said...

I vote for a really cute hat!

Fiesty Charlie said...

I could not even blog today this was so damn funny... I just sent people here... because NOTHING I can say the next 30 days will top this!

Between you and Natalie, I am going to have sore jaws from smiling for a long time...

Oh yeah! I put a permanent link to you on my blog... it is the "Fans" sidebar graphic... LOL

Sarah said...

You're totally fucked, but at least you're hot. Dude, seriously, Tori Spelling much?

We Are Never Full said...

AHH! I just found you! Where have you been all my life!? you're friggin hilarious. i say fuck it - keep the bandaids on your face and draw on the eyebrows on TOP of the bandaids! Dat's Hot.

Sue said...

OMG. So easy. Eyebrow cancer. Just gotten through your surgery. Locks of Love eyebrow wigs on the way.

Judy @ No Fear Entertaining said...

Oh Brittany! How horrible for you!!! I agree with the comment thatcsaid you should just put eyebrows right on the bandaids! It would look more natural...

Politi Gal said...

Its a good thing your not vain or anything...holy crap;) That look's bound to raise a few...well...

Natalie said...

where are you? i am having withdrawals. and then i worry that the herpes has spread! um...are you ok?

HRH said...

HOLY COW you are funny. First, let me just sympathize and tell you how sorry I am for you and that if you need a shoulder to cry on...I am here.

BUT OMG. Seriously, that is the craziest thing ever and a really funny story. Really funny. So funny I have to go pee now...

Black Hockey Jesus said...

Ticks on your girl parts. Herpes on your eyes. Damn.