Friday, August 8, 2008

My sanity...and jello.

There is a reason I stay at home and deal with the majority of people through a computer screen.

I am a psycho.

Seriously, I have no idea how anyone can stand to be with me for any length of time, unless they are drunk, and then I seem normal, and more quirky cute than quirky fucking weird, so to maintain that balance, I try to stay relatively not drunk, as to not shift the delicate crazy balance against me.

To achieve this, I often reference my list of Things I learned from movies but never quite work out. I have gotten most of my drinking skills from the godfather of modern cinema, Coyote Ugly. You may know it. There's a scene where the skanky blond girl takes a shot, and then chases it with a beer, but she doesn't really drink it, she just secretly spits it back into the beer bottle? Well, I try to do that, except most times, my beer bottle is still full or the hole is too small, so the tequila just ends up running down my face and chest, which I think is kinda hot, but everyone else mostly acts disgusted. They also refuse to call me Jersey and get pissed when I poured ice water on their heads...they apparently aren't hip to the Hell no H2O rule...or anyone else at Don Pablos for that matter.

Oh, and the 5 Point Palm Exploding Heart trick from Kill Bill, also not a hit at parties.

Bah, I need new friends.

Anyways, yes, my point, onto my story.

I should preface this by saying, this really didn't seem "weird" or like I was "completely overreacting" at the time, only now, the next morning, do I feel I may have blown things out of proportion slightly.

So, I had a meeting at church last night (see, no need to send any hate mail, I volunteer, Jesus is my homeboy, I remember most of the words to Our Father, and as a rule, I try to remember that church is the one place I should try and remember to wear underwear and shave), so I dropped the boys of with Oma.

To interject, I am a laid back mama, seriously, the only child rules I have, outside of their mortal safety, is no fast food, and to always wash their hands after they touch their pee pees...which is often.

So, I left them with two sippies of milk because, heaven help her, the only thing Oma ever has to drink is diet coke, wine and prune juice...none of which is child appropriate.

An hour later, I return to pick them up, and their mouths are bright red, and when I ask why, Oma informs me it is because they ran out of milk and she made them cherry jello to drink.

Me: Oh, you made them jello? They love jello.
Oma: No, I just mixed up the powder with some water, and they drank it out of their sippies.

Ok, sooooo...

Me: So, wait, you gave them unhardened jello to drink?
Oma: Yup.
Me: Is that safe?
Oma: I would assume.
Me: What if it hardens in their stomach or intestines?
Oma: That seems silly.
Me: Really? REALLY!? It doesn't seem silly to me! Ya know, 'cause that is what jello does, it hardens...into jello!
Oma: Yeah, I don't think that is going to happen.
Me: I am calling the doctor, and if they need surgery...

So, I called the doctor, and he was super nice, he sat on the phone with me for, like, and hour, mostly explaining to me, you know, that even though feeding a child liquid jello is jesusfuckingchrist the sickest thing ever...it won't harden in their intestines requiring emergency surgery and a feeding tube.

So, yeah...turns out I was wrong, and I over reacted a bit...

But, I totally have a new rule.

45 comments:

Carolyn...Online said...

I have no pithy comment but that just cracked me up. And grossed me out a little.

alanna rose said...

She thinks to mix water with Jello powder and have them drink it - why couldn't she just let them drink some water? If my MIL did this I would freak the f out.

threeboys1mommy said...

Yes, you did over react. I'm more interested in learning about your involvement in the church... if I had to guess I'd say you were down there communion wine tasting, playing air guitar on stage with wafer crumbs in your hair ;), happy weekend.

sarah said...

i got dehydrated at girl scout camp (on my honor!) one summer and spent two whole days hanging out with the camp nurse (in the AC - maybe i wasn't really sick?) and drinking the jello they gave me as 'nourishment.' at least that is what she told me it was. i do remember them sending me to join the other campers on pancake and sausage morning because i was finally well. turns out, i wasn't. let's just say, the jello i drank didn't stay in me long enough to harden. and. um. yeah. i can't believe i just shared that.

i still think i am probably the only person on earth who hates the smell of breakfast cooking.

H.E.Eigler said...

why did I have to read this the week before I have to leave little H with her 'Opa' (is that spelled right??) for a week, unsupervised? Great - Now I have to throw out all our jello and stock up on apple juice!

Average Girl In Average World said...

You made me feel better!!!

My hubby aways says there always room for J-E-L-L-O. Although most times it;s because I have asked "Do I look fat in this"


asshole......

Chat Blanc (aka Sandy) said...

oh yeah, I'm laughing hard cuz my dad used to feed my sister and i liquid jello when we were sick with the flu. why, I have no idea. In fact it was the reason there was a big red stain in the carpet on the steps. CRAZY! Your new rule is a very good one. :)

Weith Kick said...

At least they weren't given pop rocks and coke.

Andrea said...

my friends also hate it when i pour ice water on them...bitches.

great post, made my morning!

Allison said...

I don't even have any words for this. Thank goodness you are not Kate Gossling or you might have killed Oma.

Mekhismom said...

I'm just glad that you didn't use that exploding heart trick on Oma. But I am sure that you wanted to. Liquid Jello? WTF? Next time just give them a straight shot of sugar water - same thing.

The Mom said...

That is crazy she basically gave them SUGAR WATER! Did they ever go to sleep...well probably after their high..then crash!

Water alone would have sufficed. Bless Oma's heart at least it wasn't wine (because they would sleep so well!).

LiteralDan said...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, dude! Step back!

Hot liquid Jell-o is awesome, and you need to rethink this. First, why would Jell-o solidified in their body be different than solidified Jell-o they ate? Second, their bodies are too warm to allow the Jell-o to solidify. Third, hot liquid Jell-o is awesome. Room temperature liquid Jell-o is just okay.

Don't turn into one of Them. I thought you were cool-- don't make a liar out of me. At least it wasn't Dran-o or something, Goebbels. Back off!

Sandy C. said...

I'm so sorry to be laughing, but
I'm suddenly reminded of those Tang sandwiches Al Bundy ate on Married With Children.... :)

Dejoni said...

That sounds like something my MOL would do..
I have to say, liquid Jello in the sippy cup is pretty funny.

exskindiver said...

witfully written.

it is biblical you know:
(re jello--from liquid you come, from liquid you shall return. its all good)

you may pour iced drinks on me but if and only if i am ready with my super padded bikini top underneath my white t-shirt.
i am modest like that.

~chesca

Angie's Spot said...

I would've totally freaked out over the jell-o thing. WTF??? Hilarious!

Shelly... said...

Well, at least she didn't make jello SHOTS with wine to feed to your kids!

JenniBeanV said...

Bahahahahaha! Next time she comes over...you totally need to make her a nice tall glass of jello and water!

Emiline said...

Bleh...I'm dry heaving right now.
I couldn't imagine drink Jello.

I haven't tried the spitting a shot in a beer bottle trick, but I did try the 5 Point Palm Exploding Heart Trick at a party one time.

hecknoin06 said...

Better than a jello-shot right?

ali said...

The boys are staying with hubby's stepmom this week. She called yesterday, she didn't realize she was supposed to make them go pee pee before bed. Yeah. She'll remember from now on or else she'll be washing sheets after every visit!

Anissa Mayhew said...

That's what grandma's are for! Mine used to show me how to turn up the gas on the stove and I could roast marshmellows in the kitchen!! WTF, I was 5, playing with the gas.

Thank God we all survive our loved ones, so will our kids.

Mommie Mayhem said...

Yuck WTF!! Sounds like my mother in law. Got to love family !

HeatherW said...

I totally agree!! Coyote Ugly IS the godfather of modern cinema!!

Just for the record, I was only staring at your arse for the first 15 minutes!

I am happy your kids didn't explode from J-E-L-L-O!!!!

Swirl Girl said...

isn't that what the astronauts ate?

I would only worry if she lived in the antarctic where the jello would be cold enough to actually harden.

...but that sounds like something my mom would do.

Jennifer said...

Don't tell my kids about drinking Jell-O. They will beg for it, I'm sure!

The Nice One said...

Okay, so when I was a kid, one of my friends moms would make us HOT liquid Jello to drink when we came in from playing in the snow. Cuz I grew up where we'd get like 3 feet of snow in a few hours. At the time, as a kid, it was the most delicious thing ever. Now...I know what jello is made with and. um. The only thing it's good for is SHOTS.

Brittany said...

Carolyn...It was gross, I just don't dig liquid jelly, but that's just me.

Alanna...My thoughts exactly.

Threeboys...You would be correct, the committees I join are the ones that meet at the near by cantina, swear to God. I just go to drink and eat salsa.

Sarah...Wow. This would be horrible for me becasue I love breakfast foods! But, then again, once I vomit something up, I can't face it again...ugh Panera.

H.E...Yup, Opa:) And yeah, I would toss it to be safe.

Average Girl...HAHAHA! As far as I'm concerned, there IS always room for jello...shots.

Chat...How have I never heard of this before!?

Weith...Oh yuuummmmm.

Andrea...WTF is up with the prudes we hang out with?

Allison...Hell yeah, if I was Kate I would have slapped her on national TV.

Mekhismom...Or at least put it through an IV.

Jen...Sleep? What's that? I mean, we are already all up teething, so whats a little straight jello jolt to the system?

BFF Dan...Duuuudddeeee....I am not so much hating on the hot jello water in theory...it's just, are you sure it won't turn their intestines to jello? Because I feel like that would logically happen. I mean, I am not a doctor, but it seems like when I add jello to things, like pie or hard liquor, that's what happens. But, you're right, that's why I keep you around, I need to embrace hot jello water with an open mind next time.

Sandy...HAHAHA! And that mad eme think of the cat litter sandwiches from National Lampoon's Vacation!

Dejoni...It's like cheery flavored snot.

Exskidiver...Welcome, and I am so happy to here you wet tshirt it like myself! We have so much in common. Have you perfected the wet hair slow motion shake yet???

Angie...I did, not becasue I am anti-jello...but I thought it would have ridiculous medical complications.

Shelly...I would have been waaaay cooler about the whole thing if she did.

Jenni...GAG!

Emiline...Ok, I will address our Jewish obsession in this post...OMG if you convert I will be enternally jealous! I just love the antiquity of the customs, and the food, my god the food, and the dancing and songs...they do the coolest stuff! If you do it, I'll do it!

AM...So not as fun as a jello shot, oh for the kids, yes.

Ali...Well, that's a lesson best learned on rubber sheets!

Anissa...Sweet Jesus! that is a brilliant idea! I love smores!

Mommie Mayhem...By law we have to:)

Heather...Serisouly, don't make me get up on this desk and start singing One Way or Another!

Swirl...How am I this unfamiliar with the consumption of liquid jello!?

Jennifer...Hide your boxes of it! It's a new fad!

The Nice One...SERIOUSLY!? I must live under a rock because I have never heard of such a thing.

Deb said...

OK, don't take this the wrong way, but, were you drunk or at least drinking when writing this? The only reason I ask is that I've had a few already and your post made so much sense to me. But I think if I were sober it wouldn't. OK, that totally doesn't make any sense.

Ahem...

Yes, I also would have been pissed if my kids were fed liquid jello.

You're not weird to me. Most moms seem weird, but you seem totally normal. Write on, girl!

Not Just Any Jen said...

Okay, I would probably be upset too, I mean, clearly that is not something suitable for little ones to drink. But, just so you know, if one happens to swallow a watermelon seed, no need to overreact, he'll be fine.
Jen

Fiesty Charlie said...

You I adore!

Truly... I do... cause you are just.... well.... YOU!

You over reacting, pole dancing, tequila dribbling, beer spitting, hot jello hating, reisling loving, super hot, church volunteering, soccer mom, you!

You make me smile every time I come by your blog... even on days I have other thoughts....

AJ said...

This is where having a nurse for a mom comes in handy. She can totally save you from looking like a crazy woman to other people because you can run your insane medical thoughts by her first. She especially loves the calls at 2am. Although I have to admit, I've never called her with a jello emergency:)

Sandi said...

This is so funny. I think Hollywood is calling you. Think screenplay.

Brooke said...

Ok, um....gross.

texasholly said...

Holy crap I am laughing so hard there are tears. Real tears. And I am not a crying kinda girl.

Did you REALLY call the doctor? OMG. I pray that your doctor has a secret blog out there that we can find...

Heather said...

I don't know why you were so worried. It wasn't like the liquid part was made of Everclear or anything. ;)

I swallowed a jack when I was a kid and came away (relatively) unscathed.

flickrlovr from said...

Oh Oma.

Dear heavens.

This is too funny--especially because I NEVER have Jello, but the day before my surgery, when I couldn't eat anything (except for clear liquids, and Jello constitutes a clear liquid), a friend brought over some Jello mix. Because I was starving. Like fo realz. And I was so goddamn hungry that after she made the mix, I drank it. Lukewarm. Unhardened. And then wondered the same thing...would it harden in my stomach and come out in little circular jello shapes? Hey, ya never know.

No more Jello here.

Tasha said...

Psycho....Mom.....Eh.

I think it's pretty much the same thing, anyway. At least you kid likes actual food. Mine prefers to eat lip gloss.

Swirl Girl said...

BTW- I left you something over at my place.

please come and visit.
Swirl Girl

HappyHourSue said...

OMG Coyote Ugly is the reason I went to bartending school. I so wanted to be Tyra Banks. But you know. White. "You're Unbelievable.." Good times.

beth - total mom haircut said...

They must have been bouncing off the freakin' walls. Is this like the new jello shot for children? _ I mean, c'mon girl, we all know you have drunk some jello in your day - you know it's drinkable:)

Elisa said...

I don't think you overreacted. That's just really gross, I would have totally freaked out. I think you handled it very gracefully - unless you did what I would have been tempted to do which is to dye Oma's hair with said Jello concotion. Bringht cherry red hair, lovely. Let her try and complain.

Leah said...

OMG! I was laughing so hard that my son came running to see what was so funny. I think "...jesusfuckingchrist the sickest thing ever..." is probably the funniest thing I have ever read!

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