Tuesday, September 2, 2008

I saw Jesus in Ikea

Ikea is not a store, Ikea is a big fucking chore.

The parking process is like fucking Disney World, which is annoying to me, as I hate parking...and walking...especially with two kids and a mother who can't contain herself. She very well may have wet herself at the big gawdy blue and gold Graceland entrance.

Mom, it's Ikea.

Not the Vatican.

Or a Kenny Loggins concert.

And they don't serve wine here.

Let's regain our composure.

Then, they lure you into a moderately priced Swedish wood veneer labyrinth of hell, sidelined with clever minimalism and ergonomic irony. And you just want to find the toddler beds, but you can't because there are 8 million other tourists in there, with their Ikea maps and little golf pencils, oohing and ahhing over the $2.99 bin of IPod holders.

And when you finally find the shit you went there for, you have to haul your happy ass back downstairs to the warehouse where you try to decipher the code you tried to write down upstairs, but it just looks like a a giant swirl because your kid was screaming for the $12.99 10 foot plush Chinese Dragon that they must have fuckingrightnowikeayouareawhore.

So, you ask for help, but the douche bag emo teenager with a faux hawk working the warehouse that day is distracted by cell phone texting and shiny objects, and you just want to scream for someone to come help the sweaty pregnant lady with two kids and a mother who won't stop throwing wooden spoons in the cart.

But, no one comes.

They are all upstairs eating organic veggie wraps in the everything is chrome and sterile deli.

Plus, the ABBA music is too loud for anyone to hear you crying.

59 comments:

Mr. Noodle said...

But you are willing to go through all that for the priveledge of going home and having to put the damn thing together using instructions written in Swahilli on one side and Vietnamese on the other. Yeah... That's why we like IKEA...

Mr. Noodle

Formercitygirl said...

I've been reading your blog for a few weeks and I think you are hilarious.
Have you ever tried to return something at Ikea. I did last week, and I almost sprouted roots sitting on a bench while it took five people to tell a girl that she couldn't make a return without a receipt. And, to add insult to injury, I ate a whole cinnamon roll on my way out.

Mekhismom said...

Ikea Rocks! At least it does according to my mother as she peruses the catalog and urges me to rush down there and buy something - anything. But I have to admit I do like Ikea too.

Shelly... said...

IKEA...we have a few pieces of their junk. No Ikea where we live at now. I totally hear you about the layout, and it was bad enough just going with my husband. I can't imagine trying to corral a couple of kids and a mother! Feel for ya! And then trying to put together said pieces of junk that you brought home. Don't even get me started...

Midlife Slices said...

Your IKEA doesn't have wine? Check out my IKEA picture from Labor Day weekend. We must be special here in Texas. :)

http://midlifeslices.wordpress.com/2008/09/01/me-and-all-the-other-crazy-people/

jill jill bo bill said...

HAAAA! And their shit falls apart in like 3 weeks.

sarah said...

um yeah. so my parents were down this weekend and ikea was all my mother talked about for a month leading to their visit. the best thing i EVER heard was sunday afternoon: sarah, iiiiiiiiiiiiiiii don't think i want go to ikea tomorrow. is that okay with you?

HELLS yes that is okay with me.

Mom Taxi Julie said...

I haven't been to Ikea yet. Not sure if I still want to go now lol.

Swirl Girl said...

Our first wall unit was from Ikea. It cost $296 and lasted 10 years and was taken down and put up and taken down and put up like 20 times. My hubby is a ninja with an allen wrench!

Ikea is like Disney- a whole hell of a lot cheaper, though! $1.99 full meals for the kids! More kitchen gadgets than you can shake a swede at! God I love that place!

Okay- okay- now I'm done. I had my wine now....phew. I think I just popped a boner thinking about it.

ali said...

2.99 iPod holders?!?! No way! Mental note: do a google search for IKEA stores in Arkansas.

Emiline said...

Wow. Ikea sounds like hell. Especially with ABBA playing.

Sarah Bellum said...

Fuck Ikea. There's not enough pink in that store, and in Utah they don't appreciate it when you bring a flask in and then bitch when it's empty and you need a refill.

Casey said...

I heart Ikea. And Kenny Loggins. And You Britt.

p.s. can we talk about 9021Blow tonight?! Ugh... So Underwhelming. And why do they all look 30?!?! They are supposed to 15 going on 16 wtf!?

Anyways... love you like a fat kid loves cake.

Heather said...

Oh, ours is way worse. Our tourists come from Vancouver, WA for tax-free shopping. I JUST WANT SOME FUCKING NAPKINS. HOVE THE FUCK OUT MY WAY.

J.Danger said...

I hate ikea! HATE IT.

Mr. Noodle is right then you gotta put it together, and wait for it to fall apart. Which it will.

Angi said...

Hahaha...I love Ikea, but I HAVE to plan those trips sparingly, and during times when there is more than just one thing I need, and a weekday is preferable, and I REFUSE TO SHOP WITH ANYONE ELSE THERE because big groups of people are SO IRRITATING when you're trying to maneuver more than just your lonesome through the masses...but yeah. I love Ikea.

AJ said...

Maybe some hex chrome will slip off of the deli counter into their organic veggie wrap and they'll all get sick.....

Disclaimer: Yes I'm a chemistry nerd. It's my job. Literally. I do metal surface treatment. (For that reason, I suspect it's actually probably stainless steel and my hexavalent chrome theory is out the window:() But it was a good theory!

Judy@nofearentertaining said...

Hahahahaha...I can only imagine. Having never been near an IKEA I wouldn't know anything about them. Sounds like a really bad theme park though!

Foodycat said...

IKEA is where you go when you want a divorce but need some impetus to ask. It can build my stress levels to breaking point within moments.

However, the Billy bookshelf is a wonderful creation and the reindeer salami is delicious.

Elizabeth said...

OMG I hate IKEA! I won't go within 100 miles of the place! Too stressful, too strenuous, too damn filled with tourists and strange Swedish food!

Brittany said...

Formercitygirl...Thanks darling! And no, I refuse to return anything there, especially if that means I have to step foot in that place again.

Mekhismom...It's a trick! Sure, everything looks amazing, but the labor involved is just too much to handle sober.

Shelly...I had to walk away from it and find my happy place.

Midlife...HAHAHAHAHA! That is hilarious! Had my Ikea HAD wine, this review would have gone in another direction entirely.

Jill...GREAT! I look forward to the bonfire I will have in it's honor!

Sarah...SAVED! You are so so so so so lucky my friend!

Julie...Just make sure you go during a weekday, when you have 18 hours to kill, and you are completely shitfaced.

Swirl...Ugh...I know you Ikea loyalists are steadfast, and I WANT to be a believer, I really do,but it just feels so wrong.

Ali...HAHAHAHAHA! I am pretty sure everything is $2.99 there.

Emiline...Ugh, you know those Swedes, ABBA all the time.

Sarah...See, this is where they took a wrong marketing turn. I would have been MORE than willing to toss the 800 lb bed and dressers I bought into my cart had I been sufficiently drunk, but no...I got stuck in a dry Ikea.

Casey...Wellll..I WANT to discuss 90210 with you, I even jumped onto Perez this am to get the goods, but I REFUSE to watch it in person. No Tori=No Britty. NO BRITTY!

Heather...Why are there people taking pictures? IN IKEA!?!?!?! Like it's fucking Pearl Harbor!?!?!?!

Danger...See,I needed you to tell me this two days ago!

Angi...I will never go with anyone else again. Strictly a solo mission. NOBODY TOUCH ME!

AJ....Damn you engineers! Can't we just pretend it's chrome? Like, super deadly chrome!?!?

Judy...Don't go unless you don't value your sanity or self respect.

Foodycat...Yes! Exactly! Ikea would lead to a divorce, and then you would be stuck battling it out in court for custody of the fake wood headboard!

Elizabeth...It really changes a person...into something...EVIL!

Dejoni said...

Woman,
This is why I fly solo when I shop. Taking the kids makes me lose my religion...fast.
2 kids+ 1 mega-store=HELL!

Jennifer said...

I get dizzy just thinking about Ikea.

Maybe they should start serving wine? It would take the edge off!

Rachel said...

I completely feel your pain; we went on Saturday and it drove me NUTS!!!! I swear, there wasn't a single parent who had control of their child (except for me, of course). I was giving kids dirty looks left and right as they fought, pushed each other into furniture, and and screamed at the top of their lungs.

I even made a few comments about their parents.

That's when I realized I was officially old AND I had turned into my mother.

I now hate IKEA.

Little House on Green said...

I hate Ikea. The husband and I went once and it ended in a big fight because the place is so damned confusing and crowded and loud and dirty and so we started picking on each other because there weren't any stupid salespersons around to help us. And then it was mass chaos to find our way out lugging a huge table top thing behind us on a cart with crap wheels . . . I'm getting bitter all over again and I vowed never to return to that dark place. I need to go take a shower, I feel dirty now.

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

My one and only IKEA experience. I was at least 8 months pregnant with 3 screaming children buying an office amoire. I asked for help to get it in the car and they said they did not have anyone available and to do it myself! Finally the manager (this is like 30 minutes later) brings over a mentally challenged staffer who jams the thing in my car making scratches and dents all over the interior. Not a happy mommy was I!

Jo-Jo said...

Maybe I should be happy that we live in "hillbilly hell" and do our Ikea shopping online.

Shannon said...

Ah, I love IKEA and am apparently in the minority. Then again, I only go on weekdays and I'm mentally prepared for the place. I do, however, despise the plastic bag holding micro-shopping carts with their 360 degree swivel wheels that should have a warning label. No one ever told me that I needed to attend a special cart-driving class to learn how to steer one of those flipping things, and I'm surprised there wasn't a cop standing there poised to hand out tickets for wreckless shopping cart driving.

*sigh*

Threeboys1mommy said...

Getting him acclimated to the big boy bed,before the new guy takes over his crib ey. You're not going to wow him with Ikea, friend. You need to hook him up with a Thomas the train bed, straight up yo!

I'm with your mom on this one. I love Ikea. Oh and feel free to punch emo teen in the throat, no one's going to convict you on that one.

alanna rose said...

I had a similar experience last year while I was pregnant. We needed a sofa bed to convert the office into a guest room (had I known my MIL would spend an entire week with me PP I would have left it an office), this involved borrowing two trucks (one with no a/c, and a permanently on right turn blinker) for the two, 3.5 hour round trips. Two trips? The first time we got home and realized the damn couch was crushed, someone dropped it in the whorehouse (oops, warehouse). It took 10 days for them to tell us there was no way they would deliver a new one, so back we went.

I'm still bitter, but they have yummy meatballs.

Marie said...

HAHAHAHAH!! You described it perfectly!!!

LiteralDan said...

You hit the nail on the head here, buddy. I've never been pregnant (fingers crossed!) but I swear now that you mention it, I felt like I was when I was there.

Maybe I'll send my wife there every time she sees a tiny baby and declares that she must have another RIGHT NOW.

flickrlovr said...

Hasn't anyone told you, Britt?

IKEA IS THE VATICAN. That fake one over in Italy? For posers. The real deal is the blue and yellow archway. That is the epitome of holiness. It is.

(I think that why I love shopping at Ikea so much is because I don't have kids. Or a mother with me. I like going either by myself or with friends who don't mind meandering and taking their time.)

I do hate the noise level and all the people though. I wish I had my own private Ikea. Sigh.

Work on that, would you?

Carolyn...Online said...

Dude, check the kids into the IKEA swedishkidcheck and go sit on your rump in the deli and have an ice cream cone.

Marcy Jordan Photography said...

IKEA tip...go in the exit and skip that awful designed-in-hell labrynth that they make you go through at the entrance. Makes the visit much easier to handle.

But that doesn't help with the check-out lines. Seriously, the last time we went, we stood there so long that I actually considered buying some of those weird ice cube trays. Have you seen those things right next to the registers? WTF IKEA?

Brooke said...

I recently enacted the "absolutely no more shit from Ikea" law at home. Their furniture sucks ass. And the cheap impulse items are not worth the trip.

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

Dude my mom and I totally went to the Loggin's and Messina reunion tour when I was pregnant with Bardolf. I shit you not. It was awesome-ness--tell your mom. Oh and now that I have revealed that I am really a 55 year old trapped in a late 20-something's body I have to go hide.

Karrie and Chrysti said...

OMG!!!!!!! I SOOOOO feel your pain! Thanks for sharing...freakin' hilarious!

Jozette said...

Oh god, I just went through this very hell this weekend. tor.ture.

Juniorholic said...

My dear...we were just at Ikea on Sunday and I thought the same damn thing. I love the store, but hate how crowded it is.

And is it true as to why you can't eat sushi?? Hmmm???

Charity said...

Ha! We don't have IKEA here in CO but we have a local furniture warehouse chain that is equally disturbing and the owner/obnoxious tv 'personality' is named Jake Jabbs and the saying goes, "don't ben over at AFW lest Jake Jabbs should sneak up behind you." Yeah, it's creepy, but you can't beat the prices! ;)

JenniBeanV said...

IKEA is the devil.

Brittany said...

Jennifer...Oh for sure, wine and heroin.

Rachel...OMG I am so glad to have met another person who has the balls to give children the face of death!!! I do this all the time, and my husband scolds the shit out of me!

Little house...Oh yeah, I fear taking my husband there. I am pretty sure it would end in a trial separation.

Lisa...WHAT!? I would have called and complained to the highest up person you could find. That is horrendous!

JoJo...Ilove that you just quoted a Cars line...and I love that my life is sad enough that I noticed it.

Shannon...Oh for sure, I thought I had vertigo at first!

Threeboys...Well, I am actually wanting to move onto to two twin size beds, since they clearly have no interest in the $900 convertible cribs I begged and pleaded for.

Alanna...I hear the best reviews of the meatballs! Maybe if I tried them I could look past their lack of soul.

Marie...Sadly...they suck.

Dan...Well, if you ever find yourself knocked up and emotional, just head my warning!

Flickr...Maybe you could buy 51% of Ikea stock and then have your own private shopping hour?

Carolyn...I would BUT my kids do not qualify as they are not potty trained. Says the Ikea Kid Funland Nazi.

Marcy...See, I needed that advice, I was far to innocent and doe eyed my first time around.

Brooke...Luckily, I bypassed the beds and left with a new table, and a mini table set for the boys...I hope it lasts longer than the 128347564849 hours it took to assemble it!

KD...Ummmm...do you want my mom's number? Bring wine.

Karrie & Chrysti...You are so very welcome! I feel like if I can save one person from the hell I endured, it was worth it, ya know?

Jozette...Don't go back. Ever.

Junior...DUDE! I can eat sushi, just not the raw stuff!

Charity...Ok, that is the most inappropriate commercial I have ever heard! That is HILARIOUS!

Jenni...Word. Word.

Sandy C. said...

We just went there last weekend. I spent 2 hours choosing which crappy veneered, particle board stand would sustain the weight of our ancient TV. After finally deciding, we went downstairs only to find that half of the TV stands were out of stock.

Then I had to eat a pretzel, cinnamon roll and a hot dog to make me feel better.

beth - total mom haircut said...

The problem for me is that I always believe Ikea will be a good thing - we always go in with high hopes, despite the fact that we have ever come out with what we needed. In fact, we were there just yesterday and discovered the awesome underground family parking area, right by the door. We congratulated ourselves on its awesomeness. 2 hours later, when I was being a total bitch because the experience had been so terrible and we had accomplished NOTHING, we discovered that the family parking, while nice and close to the entrance, is a fucking mile away from the exit.

Allison said...

Wow. You hit it perfectly. But, that's what you do, I guess.

When we moved to LA we went to IKEA. Worst. Idea. Ever. Laef and I lost each other within two minutes. He was also none to pleased about putting together numerous shelves.

Overall, just not a good experience.

Tena said...

i always think going to Ikea is a smart idea until I step two feet into and realize that I have just enter a freaking maze that has no end....ack!
All that and than my poor husband still has to put whatever I bought together... I pass!

Not Just Any Jen said...

Okay, are you sure it was Jesus?

Just wait, until you are showing with those boys on your hips. Gets better, I tell you!
Jen

HappyHourSue said...

I've never been - it sounds horrifying. Although ABBA music....

My mom used to live next door a couple who moved here from Sweden. They STAYED AT A HOTEL near Ikea to go shopping there.

On a side note, at Halloween, when my mom had 1 large and 1 small pumpkin on her step, they did the same: thought it was the American custom. LMAO.

Aubrey said...

I wish I could be all bitter and crap about IKEA like you all. I've never been though and in my mind, I would love it. Care to shake the crap out of me and put me in check??

Slick said...

Ikea is the downfall of the American consumer.

That doesn't make sense but it sounds damn good!!

FlowerGirl said...

I used to have an Ikea about an hour from me. I hate Ikea. I hate that it's organized and clean. I hate the spiffy people that work there. Die, Ikea, die...

I don't have one anywhere near me now and I'm happy.

ZAJA Natural Handmade Confections said...

OMG, sounds like a day in hell!

American in Norway said...

See...that is what I am talking about... & I live in friggen Scandinavia.... you would THINK IKEA wouldn't be that big of a deal...but it is... must be world wide!

samsmom said...

How about those carts that have a mind of their own and can blow out a knee!!

Elisa said...

There's one thing Ikea is good for: cheap poster frames. No, wait: two things: cheap poster frames and cheap prints to hang around the house that you can throw away (or recycle) when you are sick of them without feeling guilty because anyway they were 6.99.

There is no Ikea here in snobbish, "way better than your ass" Westchester County. I have to travel to Long Island, New Jersey or New Haven for one. For poster frames? You've go to be kidding me.

Laef said...

Hey Sweetie,
I know peanuts is launching an all-out assault on your stomach right now, but if you can drag yourself away from the porcelain receptacle maybe you could head back to Ikea and ask Jesus to help your acorns out a bit cause they're strug-a-lin 'gainst them Bobcats!

Allison said...

Who is this Laef prick?

texasholly said...

Have I told you lately that I love you?