Friday, September 5, 2008

I think I am on a boat....of doom.

Sorry. Puke. Must update. Need help. Enter Allison. Say hi to her. Now. It gives me strength. Must. Vomit. Godspeed.

Dear Friends of Brittany's Blog-

I'm here today because Brittany has been feeling under the weather. It is most likely due to the start of college football season, which has led to some sort of sick, queasy feeling in the pit of her stomach. She is probably realizing that Ohio State is going to once again blow its load midway through the season and falter yet again in the postseason.

Speaking of blowing loads...Britt's pregnant.

Which is the real reason I'm here.

Sure, she's going to post all sorts of fun "test tube babies", "my tits are leaking", "is it weird to pee your pants even if it's just a tinkle?" blogs, but the reality is that she lives vicariously through me and my obnoxious, childless, unmarried behavior.

I suppose I should admit to the fact that I am engaged. I became engaged this June on my 34th birthday. I'm not going to lie, the idea of marriage, mortgages and mini-me's scares the shit right out of me. Maybe it's because of the fact that during sex I find myself staring into the closet wondering why I'm holding on to my fuchsia pink Guess heels from 2005. Or that I desperately need to throw away my Gap jean jacket from 1999. But, honestly, I'm sick of buying jean jackets. Those things come and go. So, I have held onto it in the hopes that when jean jackets come back in 2014 I won't have to spend $40 to buy a new one. Yes, it's already three sizes too small, but I'm working on it.

Other things I am currently working on: My addiction to birth control pills, how to lay off the red wine and vodka once I kick the pills habit, and how to convince the fiance that you can't buy a wedding dress for $200 (well, I suppose you could, but I was trying to avoid the Isaac Mizrahi
line at Target just this once).

Let's start with the birth control pills (i.e. kids). Where to begin? Here's my issue. I have four nieces and one nephew. Being an Auntie is the best! However, I have realized through some of my more dip-shit related moves that I might not quite be ready to do it on my own.

For example:

1. You can not give a six-month old lettuce. They are not able to chew it, which leads to minor choking. (Hey, I was just encouraging healthy eating).

2. Yes, you are a super fucking cool auntie if you give a two-year old a chocolate-covered Oreo in the middle of a heat wave for the two-hour drive back to mommy's house. No, it is NOT super cool when you look in the rear view mirror and it looks like a shit-bomb went off all over your leather seats.

3. It's better to just not get into discussions about why Vanessa Hudgens took photos of her vagina. There's just no way to ease out of it comfortably.

4. Under no circumstances are you allowed to leave a chocolate-covered (see Oreo dilemma above) two-year old asleep in a car seat while you run into a rest stop to pee. And trust me, the thought crossed my mind. Because frankly, when they sleep, you do not disturb. But, when you gotta go and there's still 60 miles left in the journey, you are simply fucked all around. I do not like being fucked with when I have to pee. Nor do I enjoy any sort of fucking/peeing combo. Just FYI.

5. If I want to be the sibling that is hung over on Christmas day, that is my right. I am not the one who decided to have kids before the age of 47. So, I would appreciate it if my siblings did not encourage all four nieces to jump on me at 5:45 a.m., a mere two hours after I've rested my head. I honestly don't give a shit that Santa ate the cookies or left a bike without training wheels. I already know what I'm getting and it's called a $25 gift card to Chevron (approximately 1/4 of a tank, btw). Woo hoo. Let me jump right out of bed kiddies.

The thing about finally letting go of my youth and the birth control pills is that I'm going to have to seriously clean up my act. For at least nine months. However, I've heard rumors about things passing through the system and into the milk, so I feel like this could go on for a lot longer than nine months. Also, since I'm rapidly approaching my late 30s, it is likely that I will pop out two little bundles of rehab back-to-back, thus changing the entire course of my being.

And, let's just address the elephant in the room. I'm blogging because this bitch is too sick to do her own normal day to day shit.

Needless to say, I'm nervous. Right now I'm practicing with a kitten named Sanchez. Which we named after a Dirty Sanchez. Yes, as I said, I need to clean up my act. Anyway, when the kitten awakens me at 5 a.m. because he is hungry, I simply throw him out of the bedroom, shut the door and tend to him when my alarm goes off two hours later. Something tells me that's not going to fly with babies.

Simply put: I'm starting to realize that I would rather reorganize my closet than have sex, I'm going to be denied my favorite beverages, and I will be sleep-deprived for approximately four years. Bring on marriage, bitches!

Speaking of which. I'll be sure to send Brittany a photo of me on my wedding day. The fiance has set a budget of no more than $300 for the dress. He's hoping for closer to $200. I don't even know what the fuck to write about that. Yes I do. Send donations to Brittany. She can have half for Huggies and I'll take the other half for my Vera Wang knock off.

Cheers everyone! (Don't worry, Brittany. I'll drink yours for you).


Average Girl In Average World said...

Hi Allison! Nice to have you here!!!

Your hilarious and I look forward to hearing how you pull off the $200 dress budget.

Tasha said...

I hear jean jackets are making a comeback.

And I dont get the whole "let's take a picture of my vagina!" thing, either.

American in Norway said...

OMFG... where were you before I got married. FUNNY

ali said...

No, no, no, you don't practice with a cat! Get a dog. They're much more clingy and starved for attention. That'll make the transition easier. Also, dogs have bigger crates which can double as a playpen. Everybody wins!

Emily said...

Just an FYI, not everyone starts puking their guts out the minute they find out they're pregnant. I've got nine weeks left, and I haven't barfed once (knock on wood). I think the first trimester is best described as a three-month-long really nasty hangover with extra exhaustion. It's fun. Really.

You do have some valid points, though. The not drinking really sucks. I miss wine. And I'm not looking forward to not sleeping for several months in a row,

Good luck with that $300 wedding dress. I cried a little for you when I read that.

Sra said...

That's pretty fucking rad.

Also, I think you could find a dress for $200 if you go second hand / Craig's List. For that matter, you could get a pawned ring for that too.

Just sayin'

AJ said...

You totally don't have to completely grow up. Kids are an excuse to still play at the playground, and then when you come home, you can do what I did last night and drink and entire bottle of wine by yourself. They were cool with silly Mommy:)

Lorie said...

$200 wedding dress? I HAVE to see this. I hope you feel better soon and stop throwing up everything in your stomach content (wow, I just realized how gross that sounded)

Maybe it will get cold really really soon and you can eat stew in your sweatpants ALL day long.

Good luck!!!

Nick said...

You should totally put a poll up on your wedding site asking if people think you should have kids within the next...oh...5 years.

Leah said...

I'll sell you my wedding dress for 250. that way you are between the 2 and 3

Tena said...

I xcould have used this blog post before I got married back in 2000!! HA HA HA! Only half kidding!

Good luck on finding that dress, where ever it might be!

LiteralDan said...

This is a phenomenal guest post. It's a phenomenal post of any kind. I knew I thought you were awesome for good reason.

I don't have anything clever to add.

Allison said...

Hey Guys! I'm stealing Britt's format to respond to comments. It's fun to be here! I wish I was as cool as Brittany!

Average Girl: Thanks! I am determined to pull of something fabulous somewhere near the budget. Maybe I'll wear my jean jacket when the sun goes down and it gets cool.

Tasha: Why do I feel like if I am as clueless as I am now with kids that my own daughter will be taking icky photos at 12?

American in Norway: Trust me. Your husband is happy that you did not know me or hang out with me before you got married. Bad things would have happened.

Ali: Baby steps. Dogs ARE much more like kids, which is exactly why we didn't go that route. But, yes, that will be the next step. In two years.

Emily: I cried a little too. I mean a lot. I suppose when we move into a real house and are no longer renting at the age of 50, I will be happy that I saved extra money.

Sra: He might actually like that idea for his ring.

AJ: You just made my day.

Lorie: Yes, $200. I am not good at staying within a budget, so maybe a little (lot) more.

Nick: Done. You're in the same boat so don't front.

Leah: Perfect!

Anonymous said...

Hi Brittany!

You dont know me, but any friend of Allison is a friend of mine!

You see, she left a couple of my favorite follies out. (More like a couple thousand, but whatever.)

I'm curious to see how she will explain her coo coo juice inspired tango with firewood show...sans pants (camping '07) to the future Morris cherubs.

Or, why in the world she wore hospital scrub pants to Nordstrom? "Well Laef Jr, after Mommy drank champs from a straw all night and slept in her party shirt and scrubs on the bathroom floor, the last thing Mommy thought about was grabbing her designer jeans out of the drawer at the hotel, oopsie!"

No doubt Motherhood and married life will minimize her falling down in the strip club moments (in my formerly white jacket, thankyouverymuch).

However, if being hungover is anything like morning sickness, at least she will have lots of practice.


Swirl Girl said...

allison- let me just start by saying that you can get a dress for $200. David's Bridal Warehouse... I got mine there . Sure it was taffeta and not silk but it looked just like the one is the magazine and saved us money for better booze and food - which is what makes the party anyway!

Second- if you'd rather clean out your closet than have sex...are you sure you're not married already?

and C) I had the occasional glass of wine while preggers and (with my Dr's knowledge) my kids are awesome sleepers and only slightly whack.

I had my kids at 36 and 40 so it's never too late!

Mekhismom said...

You know you could always rent an outstanding designer dress with that budget. Because based on your post I don't think you are going to be all that sentimental and try to hand the dress down to your grands in this lifetime. My dress is in the closet collecting dust -one time only, shoulda rented the Vera Wang.

Jason Bellamy said...

Before everyone starts feeling too sorry for $200-dress Allison, let's remember that she'd rather reorganize her closet than have sex.

And can a girl still holding on to 1999 denim really complain about budget restrictions? Sounds like a match made in heaven.

(Good post, A-Ross.)

Allison said...

Dan: Wow! Thanks! Again, my friends are rolling their eyes out of their heads over this comment.

Missy: ALL of the things you mentioned are supposed to be in a vault. A LOCKED vault. Bitch.

Swirl Girl: Thanks for all the positive feedback. You made me feel like this is going to work after all!

Mekhismom: I have a feeling that once I have my own little bbs, I'm going to become a lot more sentimental and if I have a girl I might actually play dress up in my wedding dress someday.

Jason: Good point. As usual. :)

lamb said...

brit - im fucking dying over here too with the nausea. at least this is my first time. i didnt know any better. this is your third. to me, not fucking worth it. of course, i dont want to be that parent with just one spoiled ass kid. thats why i gotta buy the other one.

pregnancy BLOWS. when does the cool part start?

Jan said...

Great post Allison, my advice, don't do it!

Tell Brittany not to worry, she'll feel a lot better soon, like in about 18 years time or there abouts. :-)

jill jill bo bill said...

Allison- no wonder you and Britt are friends! Y'all are hilarious and we can't wait to hear all the funny things about the marriage and babies and puking and stretch marks and mood's a riot! But it's worth it! Really!

Britt- crackers, pretzels, pasta with salt. It's a girl, btw. Maybe.

samsmom said...

What a hoot!!! Had me rolling :) What a great guest writer :)

Juniorholic said...

Hi Allison!!

Congratulations Britt!!!! I'll have to give you a big hug the next time I see you at the salon!!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Hi Allison...hey, you're funny!

HappyHourSue said...

OMG- you are So Brittany's sister. Hilarious post.
FYI even after marriage & kids, you still hold on to the out-of-date clothes, but it's cuz it's your "skinny clothes". for when you lose the baby weight. Even though the baby's 7.

Sandy C. said...

Holy crap! You MUST be related to Brittany :) You had me cracking up the whole way through.

I just walked by an American Apparel store today. It appears as if Fanny Packs are making a come back.

Hang onto that jean jacket girlfriend!

kel said...

I agree with everything you said, except.....jean jackets have never, never, never gone out of style. You should see how cute they look with almost everything! Please don't ever throw yours away.

Stephanie said...

Brittany- thanks for letting Allison post!

Allison- I do want you to know that as the mom of one your neices, there WILL be payback when you & Laef have kids of your own for all of the bad influence and bad ideas you have exposed Sophie too!

asit6 said...

Brittany - I'm a friend of Allison's and have been enjoying your musings for while now....hope you start to feel better soon.

Allison - Good form. This was a nice start to my day and, seeing as how I am just getting home from work, thinking about dinner and getting around to commenting, it might indicate my day and how this is now a good way to end it.


omigosh i spit my coffee out all over my computer screen... my co-workers DEF do not get what was so damn funny! thanks for making my midnight shift laughable!

Laura said...

Love the guest post!

Just bite the bullet and go for the baby.
Let me tell you, breastfeeding is the best weightloss plan ever! You burn calories while sitting on your ass. AWESOME! You can totally drink while breastfeeding, you just have to pump and dump (which is buring even more calories!). And you can eat whatever you want and used the excuse, "Oh, the baby gets gassy if I eat vegetables, I need to stick to chocolate" and people will believe you!!!

Elisa said...

Congratulations Brittany! Allison, search Etsy for wedding gowns. 300 is not a lot, but you might find some affordable, original ones for a good price.

Elizabeth said...

LOL! I like auntie - she seems to know what she's talking about! Hope you are feeling better! Morning sickness is a bitch!

Jennifer said...

Oh Holy Crap! Where do I even start with this?
First off - Fiance needs an ENORMOUS wallet adjustment if he thinks your dress is going to cost $200. What the heck are you supposed to do? Make it out of toilet paper and straws? Why do boys think that once we've got the ring we'll be happy with that? We will NOT be happy until a minimum of 30K has been spent on our wedding!
Keep the jean jacket. And the hot pink shoes. You will ROCK them again!
And yes, you can wait to feed your kid. I'll leave mine for HOURS at a time because Mommy need her beauty rest. What's wrong with that?
Oh, and I'm required, as a Mom, to tell you that pregnancy and parenting are the great joys of life. Blah, blah, blah. I have to tell you this. They make you sign a contract before they'll give you your baby. Not sure what will happen if I don't!

Ben Hameen said...

Allison - why do you save the classic post for someone else's blog, all the while neglecting your own with run-of-the-mill crap? That's like giving better birthday presents to your kids' friends than to your own kids. Which I guess I could see you doing...

texasholly said...

Don't hate me but my wedding dress was $200. Of course I have been married 17 years...crap, inflation and are going to have to go into some heavy negotiation.

MEbby said...

First of all *&^%$# crack me up! There are lots of "tricks" to get the price of that wedding dress up...I do have 18 years experience in the matter. Jesus that makes me really old...I mean wise.

flickrlovr said...

Oh, Allison, Allison, Allison. You're hilarious. Are you sure you and Britt aren't soul bloggin' sistas? Hmmmm...