Sunday, September 7, 2008

The Pregnant Pause.

People my husband has told we are pregnant: His friends, his brother, his barber, the guy who changed the oil in our car, and the 12 year old next door neighbor who asked why she saw me throwing up in the backyard.

People my husband has not told yet: His parents.

This is not surprising. The last pregnancy announcement didn't go over so well...mostly because it happened as they cradled their 6 week old grandson at their Country Club's Labor Day picnic.

Husband: So, it turns out we are going to give the little man a new play mate.
Mother in Law: Oh yeah, you are getting another dog?!
Husband: Um, no, actually, we're having another baby...like...a human one.

***Cue sobbing, wine spilling, utter embarrassment in front of their closest friends and enemies because their daughter in law is clearly a fertile, fertile whore.

So I am really expecting this time to rock!

It would be soooo much better if I could be drunk for it, because what would be better than a knocked up pregnant daughter in law, spewing obscenities in fish nets and a leopard print tube top dress, but that doesn't seem to be in the cards. I couldn't find a leopard print tube top dress anywhere in Walmart, especially one that would highlight my already huge belly that is full of pain and gas from not being able to poop for two weeks.

Um, Walmart, how can you call yourself the Bloomingdale's of the Mid West if you don't carry the high class shit I need to function in my day to day life?!

Speaking of functioning in my day to day life, I am struggling.

I didn't have morning sickness the first two times, so this is new to me (No one say "uh oh,bet it's a girl," because it's not. I only create balls and wieners...mom!). It's hard with hubby working so much, and most days, while I spend hours hovering over the porcelain bowl (which, btw hubby, if you don't wipe off after you pee, I will kill you, nothing promotes continuous vomit like splashes of dried pee and random black curly hairs) I just thank God for Noggin and fruit snacks, or my kids would probably be eating the dog and lighting things on fire.

Not to mention, and I am totally not afraid to share this with you all, because I know you totally won't say anything...I totally pee all over the place when I throw up. Seriously. Like...everywhere. My lady envelope no longer processes the ability to stay closed during blunt projectile vomiting.

I have become the gassy version of a golden shower fetish film.

67 comments:

Emily said...

"I have become the gassy version of a golden shower fetish film." Best. Blog. Line. EVER.

jill jill bo bill said...

I want to go on record for telling you first about the female(not saying girl) thing...on the guest post...but I am psychic and it's really not fair....in case you're giving out a prize...but I am just jokin' ya know...about the psychic thing..psychO maybe...I also have a sure-fire remedy for constipation that I use on my elderly patients. Let me know if you want the recipe!

Fiesty Charlie said...

Girl.... You made my wife laugh out loud hard with this post... and that is not an easy task!

I wish I were close by to help out... with taking the pictures and video for your blog...

We could make your fetish film a reality! LOL

lamb said...

so, i have this *thing* about throwing up into toliets. Rational me gets that its the best possible place to puke, but shivering-hot sweat-MOVE OUT OF MY WAY me doesn't approve. what i do: take a shower, and let the magic happen. its pretty fast cleanup. another alternative i do when im *really* sick, is sit on the toilet, and puke into the shower (toilet obviously faces shower). it covers...everything.

im happy we are both dealing with this sick bullshit together. cause, truth is, if you weren't sick like me, id have to hate. and like, im really good at hating.

Jennifer said...

If it makes you feel any better--I have the done the synchronized vomit/pee w/ my last 4 pregnancies.

Another interesting observation--I had terrible morning sickness w/ the first 4 (boys) and none at all w/ the last one (girl). Could be you're the opposite? Just sayin'....

Oh--and, I think my mom and your inlaws might be related based on their pg. announcement reactions!

AJ said...

...it is SO a girl. I'm sorry, but this is the type of high maintanence entrance they make. Actually, I didn't get morning sickness with my daughter, but did with my son. But it's your body knowing the difference in genders...I'm convinced.

Also, Noggin and Sprout were my babysitters last time I was preggers, too. Nothing wrong with that! It's educational, right??

kel said...

Okay, coming from anyone else, I would have stopped reading because this stuff grosses me out. But I continued on simply because I prefer humor over gagging. And also, I thought, if this post makes me throw up, then I don't have to run an extra 5 miles today to burn off that chocolate I ate last night...

Carolyn...Online said...

Ok, the "lady envelope".... You rock the planet lady.

overtly trite said...

oh I so loved throwing up every day such fun-next time you are at Wally World try sea sickness bracelts they help a little with nausea-again a little didn't cure it or anything

Amanda said...

hahahha....I have been there with the whole in-laws not taking that news very well.
At least you can laugh about it all!

Sarah Bellum said...

Honey, at least you can say you've had two kids and that's the reason for the puke n'pee fest. I have never given birth and I still puke n'pee. I think it's especially hot after a long night of drinking. Nothing says fuck this hot, single girl right now like a puddle of urine on the bathroom floor.

Oddly, I remain single. Hmm...

Jo-Jo said...

I was severly ill and peeing all over myself when I was prego with both of my boys. Another wonderful thing that happened was when I would puke, my face would look bruised and swollen for days. I sware my neighbors thought my hubby beat me.

Threeboys1mommy said...

My folks weren't keen on # 2 or #3 at first either. I like to remind them of that when they're begging to borrow them for their weekly IHOP trips. Sorry you don't feel well.

Keely said...

Bwahhahhahhah! Oh, my....I'm sorry to laugh at your pain but...bwahhahhahhah!!

I will make no comment on the gender of your fetus because, imo, other people don't know shit. I mean, they were ALL right when they guessed what I was having, but that's beside the point.

Stacey said...

Aw, sorry bout the morning sickness bouts!! I know about those all too well (um had 10 weeks of it...all day sickness)...and it was a boy! OH and TOTALLY understand the peeing thing too...lol : )Hilarious blog entry!

The Mom said...

You are so lucky you've never had to vomit in my husband's (note I said it's his bathroom....if I had my own it would SO NOT BE AS GNARLEY) closet of filth. *shudder*

Kegels, we can all work out together!

Allison said...

I would totally be there to hold your hair, but I'm not really into people peeing on my foot.

Feel better soon!

Leah said...

OMG I absolutely LOVE this post. I loved it so much that I read it to my husband (well I had to, I was laughing so hard I almost peed my pants!). My husband wants to subscribe to your blog now LOL

Deb said...

Don't be embarrassed by peeing while puking. You'd need a bladder of steel to hold stuff in on one end while vomiting with the force of a hurricane through the other end. I've been there done that - three times over. The other thing? One day I noticed I had red dots on my face, all around my eyes. I tried to google it, but came up empty. I was ready to call the dermatologist when I finally put two and two together - the rash appeared after especially powerful vomit sessions. Now that's a category 5 hurricane, my friend. Feel better...

dana wyzard said...

Ahhhh, the forced pee during the projectile purge. My husband was holding me from the back, due to the fact I was driving my head into the wall with each spasm, and his shoes were soaked. And still, he continued to hold me upright.

never again will that be necessary. I MEAN IT.

American in Norway said...

"I have become the gassy version of a golden shower fetish film." Best. Blog. Line. EVER. I AGREE!

I am sorry your envelope isn't doing the job any longer... Oops

Sorry you are feeling bad but you are sooo friggen funny...if it makes you feel any better

Jyl @ MommyGossip said...

Hoping this comment makes you feel pretty, or at least better. Amazing how all of us mommy bloggers can totally relate to this. SICK! I seriously hope you feel better soon.

Posey said...

I think I would rather throw up in my front yard for all the neighbors to see before I would put my head anywhere near my toilet. I live in a household of men, one of which is 8, and I don't want to sit in pee, look at pee or even think about anyone else's pee but my own (and only then when I'm actually peeing).

Posey said...

One more thing, "Fiesty Charlie" scares me.

Mom Taxi Julie said...

I puked the the most with the middle child. I have girl, girl, boy. So I don't buy that gender thing.

Tuesday Girl said...

If I saw ONE curly black hair while I was punking the husband would be going to the bathroom outside forever. So very wrong.

Brittany said...

Emily...It's the scary, scary reality.

Jill...Hmmmm....I am scared, but let's hear it.

Charlie...I wonder how many creepy new fetish hits this is going to bring me?

Lamb...I KNOW! Except...throwing up in the shower? What if it's chunky throw up!?!?!?!?

Jennifer...I am so glad to see I am not a lone pee/vomiter. And it SUCKS your in laws are as awesome as mine!

AJ...Heck yeah it's educational. More education than I provide on a day to day basis...is that wrong? I felt wrong as I typed it.

Kel...I promise I will keep this mommy stuff to a minimum....especially the gross stuff.

Carolyn...HAHAHAHAHA! I figured everyone was tired of reading about my labia and vagina all the time, thought I would change things up a bit.

Trite...Hmmmm...that's a good idea, Imay have to pick some up!

Amanda...Yes, I laugh to hide the tears:) It's just soooo much harder when i can't drink it away!

Sarah...That is SHOCKING! Apparently, you keep dating the wrong kind of guy. You need to find the ones that ASK to be peed on.

JoJo...OMG I totally have all these little broken capillaries around my mouth!

Threeboys...I know, they need to visualize the big picture, more people to help them change their own diapers in a few years.

Keely...HAHAHAHA! So basically, I need tostop slapping them in the mouth when they make such predictions, as they may very well be right? Well, you just sucked the fun right out of that!

Stacey...Thank you, and the thought of going 4 more weeks with this makes me sad.

Jen...Dude, we need to do keegle conference calls, or I will be spending the rest of my days in a huge incontinence pad!

Allison...Rain boots, sweetie. It's all about sacrifices.

Leah...HI Leah's husband! Please do subscribe! I promise to keep it raunchy and full of porn...which will be increasingly awkward as I become more pregnant, but, hello...that just opens the door to more fetish markets, something I have been TOTALLY missing out on.

Deb...I know...but it's hard being the Betsy Wetsy of the house hold, I mean, hello! 2 of the 4 of us are in diapers,and I am the one with a bladder issue!?!?!?!

Dana...See....THAT is love.

Norway...It does make me feel better. My pants are still wet, but, somehow, it doesn't feel as cold:)

JYL...I knew I could count on you mommy bloggers for some troop rallying in my time of need!!!!!!!!!!

Posey...Yeah....we need to build another bathroom. And the saddest part is, me puking in the front yard....NOT something they aren't used to.

Julie...SEE! Stick wit hme in this sister!

Tuesday...He might as well, he is like a fucking caveman with the pubes all over the rim.

lindsaywillman said...

congrats.

just read your whole blog. love it.

i also hail from nw ohio. grew up in delta, now reside in wauseon.

thanks for the laughs,
lindsaywillman@yahoo.com

JenniBeanV said...

Damn...I hope your morning sickness is short lived! And if it isn't I guess you'll need to stock up on breath mints and Depends.

Laura said...

It's so twins. Everything is more severe with multiples.
So when is the first ultrasound so I can find out how right I am????

samsmom said...

I think I just peed all over the place reading your post!

AJ said...

So I was watching TV today, and the Neelys (on Food Network) were doing whatever spinoff show they do now, but they were with a Jamaican ginger loving cook. He said ginger is great for anti-nausea. I head heard that before, but it reminded me of your post. Not sure if you like fresh ginger, but it's pretty good in tea, hot water, etc....might be worth a try??

..and I forgot to mention before, I'm a pee-er too. Not so much with the vommiting, but with the sneezing, running, laughing, etc when the bladder's full.

Tam Tam said...

Puke Puke bo-buke...banana fana fo fuke-PUKE....hahahah ok sorry to laugh at your puke...but pretty funny shit....

Swirl Girl said...

Just wait til after you actually have the baby!

You'll not only pee while puking, but also while sneezing, laughing, reaching, bending and getting up off the couch.

Two words: Keegle Now.

HappyHourSue said...

OMG -hugest conundrum of the week: which do I like more, "lady envelope" or "girly-wallet".

Also: If you can't find a leopard print tube top dress in Walmart, where the hell can you?

Juniorholic said...

Awww Britt! Don't worry, I had morning sickness with Cody 24/7. It got so bad at one point that if my ex-husband even came near me, I'd throw up. It was classic..lol It'll get better. At least I hope!!

And congratulations! I can't wait to hear how it goes over with the in-laws!!!

Emiline said...

That's interesting that you got pregnant so quickly after your first child. You really must be very, very fertile. I think that's cool that they're so close in age. There is a 6 year difference between my older sister and me, and a 6 year difference between my younger sister and me. I wish we were closer in age.
I hope your in-laws are happy for you.

Also, your husband needs to clean up after himself. That's gross.

LiteralDan said...

Wow, you are one of a kind, my friend. You just lay it all out there, and I love it!

I would think it's a sure way to keep your parents from reading, but from what you said the other day, I guess yours are just a little bit more resilient.

I wanna hear the story of how you ended up throwing up in the yard.

Shelly... said...

"Lady Envelope" now that's a new one for me! Love it.
Sorry, I have no advice for you as I have never birthed any children, but I do hope you are feeling better soon!!

jonniker said...

I pee when I throw up, too. I think we all do. I wrote about this a few weeks ago, and was SO HEARTENED to find many many pregnant women who admitted, like you and me and everyone else here, that sometimes puking is best accomplished with your pants off first, unless you feel like doing a lot of unnecessary laundry.

I just ... well, no one TOLD me, you know?

ParentingPink said...

Wow! You're having a rough time! LOL. Good luck telling the in-laws...sounds like you need it! I like the idea of being drunk - and don't forget to wear that leopard tube top! Perfect!

Brittany said...

Lindsay...Wow, you are super close to me! And you read the whole thing!?!?!? Really!?!? I feel like I should apologize for the lame-ness of of first few months...and then apologize for the audacity of last recent ones.

Jenni...For real! Depends would save me so much time.

Laura...Um...I would say the first u/s is in..hmmm...4-5 weeks.

Samsmom...So you need to borrow my pee towel then?

AJ...Oh I LOVE ginger...normally...haven't come across it since the sickness started, but I could try!

Tam Tam...Wow...are you hilariously mocking me?

Swirl...Oh yeah, I am pretty sure birthing my first two was the downfall of my ability to hold pee.

Sue...I KNOW! I can't decide which one feels classier to me!

Junior...Thanks,I will keep you posted!

Emiline...Yeah, my boys are just barely 11 months apart...closer to 10:) It wasn't so much that I am normally fertile, apparently just so after giving birth!

Dan...Awww Dan, you're the best. Is it horrible I have two different yard puke stories, did you want the pregnant one...or the fall out of my car drunk one?

Shelly...Thanks, and nothing is sexier in the sack than using the term Lady Envelope...try it.

Jonniker...EXACTLY! I had no idea it was normal, no one said anything! From now on I puke with a rolled up beach towel between my legs.

Dejoni said...

I think I may be able to find you a rebel flag spandex tube top...you interested?
I think that would be the perfect touch to your country club in-laws.
LOL!
Morning sickness sucks so bad. Talk to your doctor...they can give you something to relieve it.
Ain't no sense in suffering.

Average Girl In Average World said...

All I have to say is, thank god someone else is willing to admit to peeing all over themselves and losing that on/off switch once you have puched out 2 babies!

Once again...my hero....!

Judy@nofearentertaining said...

Good luck with the In-Laws. They are always a treat aren't they! And come on we all piddle a bit!

Tena said...

Do your keegles when you write your blog entries!! I swear I laughed so hard when I read this entry that my hubby had to come over and see what it was about. I hear you loud and clear on the toliet, boys/men.... they just don't get it! Gross!!!!
Hope you are feeling better soon!

Elisa said...

wow, your ILs sounds like fun. I agree, it would be better if you were drunk for it. But you are preggers so you can't be drunk. However nausea is a great excuse to leave early! One positive thing of being sick all the time.

Does Wlamart really call themselves the Bloomingdale's of the Mid West? Wow. talk about delusions of grandeur. I personally can't stand Walmart. Or Bloomingdale's. I am a Target girl myself, Nordstrom if I need to look like a classy broad.

Marie said...

Oh you poor thing! I hope this morning sickness business ends soon.

Give your hubby a box of clorox wipes before he enters the bathroom each time he pees.

texasholly said...

It is the horrid morning sickness which by the way is all day and night sickness that closed down this baby making factory. Oh, and for anyone keeping score that would be BOYS-3, GIRLS-0. So glad you will be joining the 3 boys club.

Brittany said...

yikes. I think I'm gonna go chomp down some birth control pills... But again, congrats to you and the blessed 9 month journey you are embarking on...
heh heh. Balls and weiners.

Annie said...

If it makes you feel any better I wet myself doing jumping jacks at work out boot camp last week. Classic.

amy said...

Wow, I can't believe your in-laws don't want grandkids. Best of luck in relaying the news.

Sandy C. said...

Kegals.
That is my only advice.

So sorry about the puke. I hate puking. The only thing worse than puking, is feeling like puking all. day. long :(

And yes, thank GOD for Noggin!

Aubrey said...

Um, walnuts is SO a girl!

With my 3rd (and last) I was sick all day, errr day until about 18 weeks. Sucked ass!

Lady envelope...that has got to be the funniest thing you have ever come up with!

Asianmommy said...

I'm so sorry that you feel awful right now. I did, too, while pregnant, and Noggin saved me.

Anissa Mayhew said...

I would laugh at you peeing when you puke, but puking just ain't funny. And i've done that too, so there's nothing better than shoving a towel between your legs because you know a good heave is coming. Sorry this is happening, mama, but oh you tell it so damn well!

Foodycat said...

pinupgirl.com does a good line in leopard print dresses. And god put the toilet next to the bath so you can puke and pee at the same time.

Christy said...

I found your blog through Sarah's blogroll a couple of weeks ago. I haven't left a comment yet b/c usually by the time I get here you have around 1,000 of them and I figure you might stop reading them after the first 500? Anyway, today I thought what the hell--live a little!

For what it's worth, I think your writing is hysterically funny and I wish I could do it that well. :) Congrats on baby #3 and not so much on the puking and peeing at the same time. I feel ya, believe me, I do.

Brittany said...

Average Girl...Well, it's my job to stand up for all of us, the unsung heroes:)

Judy...Treat is the perfect word for them!

Tena...I want to do keegles, but am I the only freak that will admit that doing them gives me a headache?

Elisa...I love Target...and I have no idea what Walmart compares themselves to these days:) Barneys NY maybe?

Marie...Good idea! I can put them on the toilet lid! And things are slowly looking up:)

Holly...HIGH FIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brittany...Can you take your pills with wine and chase it with a turkey sandwich? I just want to live vicariously through you.

Annie...SHUT UP! What did you do? That tops my story.

Amy...Thanks, I will of course be laying all the dirty laundry out post haste:)

Sandy...I know, the pukey feeling IS worse!

Aubrey...I need to implement a poll...should I ever look up how to do so...which will never happen.

Asianmommy...Thanks, and Noggin should run for office.

Anissa...HA! I totally roll a huge beach towel up between my legs, like a gigantic maxi pad of beachy fun!

Foodycat...Ok, you have the funnest name! And you are so right, I should just stand in the shower and pee there! But then I would have to clean out the 800 billion tub toys so they don't get completely covered in urine.

Christy...Guess what...I did this last comments section FOR YOU girly! How special is that!?!?!?!?!?!? So, first off, thank you, you rock, completely. Secondly, I better see your ass back here now, no excuses!

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

I got sicker with each pregnancy--I am so hoping it gets better for you. Try always keeping something in your stomach--just eat small amounts and eat what you are craving. I had everything from stuffed jalepenos to hot fudge sundays ;)

I am glad you still have a sense of humor--funny post :)

gingela5 said...

I found you through SISTa's...I can't wait to read through your blog...the first one made me laugh so I can't wait to get through it all!

maybelle's mom said...

so with you on the peeing and vomiting; gross. I threw up every day of my 38 week 3 day pregnancy, so i have total sympathy for you. Hopefully your nausea goes away.

Memarie Lane said...

When I found out I was expecting #3 I dreaded telling anyone and told my husband he'd have to do it. I listened as he made he calls. He presented it as a good thing, and every response he got was "OMG are you going to keep it? Are you guys okay? How you holding up?" Like there was just no way we could have done it on purpose...

flickrlovr said...

OMG. Britt. Stop it. Too many fluids squirting out of my nose. And 'lady envelope'? And that last line-yes, THE best blog line ever? KILLING ME.

Oh my dear. You're hilarious.
I am genuinely sorry that you're having to deal with nausea and vomiting though. That sucks. Hey, Walnut? How's about a little break for Mommy? If you want your brothers to still be around and not malnourished by the time you arrive, I suggest you start looking for other ways to amuse yourself besides making Mommy throw up, k?

Hang in there Britt. {HUGS}

Jennifer said...

Send me your address. I'll send you my tube top.

Go ahead, see if I'm kidding.

April said...

oh you poor thing. i peed everywhere too with my 2nd spawn. it got to the point where i'd grab a towel for the floor when i ran in to the bathroom to puke. uhg.

Winston M. said...

Holy fuck, I lost my shit when you referred to your lady business as your "lady envelope"

Also, I'd apologize for the gratuitous cursing, but I know you're down with it.