Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Bros before, um, megaphones?

Me: Wow.

Jesus: What?

Me: Really?

Jesus: Oh. About yesterday, I am so sorry.

Me: What the crap Jesus!? I was stranded on the side of a highway, flat tire, no clue how to fix it, pregnant, scared for my life.

Jesus: Ok, first of all, it was County Road 13-1...and it's not even paved, just gravel, so let's not go confusing it with a major highway. Secondly, you aren't even showing yet, and there weren't even any people around there, just cows, so let's just relax and gain some perspective here.

Me: Gee's... I'm sorry, I was stuck there for 2 hours, no cell service. I had to flag an old man down on a tractor to come help me. Where were you?

Jesus: I had...stuff, ya know. I'm the son of God, I have responsibilities.

Me: ...

Jesus: Seriously, chill, I was handling some heavy shit, but I am here now, so let's break into the jelly beans and Sprite you've been craving. Brittany and Jesus time...in da hizz-ouse. Gilmore Girls marathon, let's rock this bitch.

Me: Oh my God. You were at the Extreme Home Makeover house, weren't you?

Jesus: What? No. Is that in town?

Me: You left me for dead so you could hang out with leather face Ty Pennington!?

Jesus: What? No, I mean, we didn't hang out, we were, I mean...I'm a carpenter, I was lending a hand.

Me: Nice Jesus. Nice.

Jesus: Listen...I'm sorry. If it helps, there was a fat guy trapped under a car I totally bailed on to...so...listen, I'm the bad guy here. Won't happen again. Pinkie swear.

Me: I can't stay mad at you, Jesus. Just remember, I have blood work on Friday, and you know how I am about needles, so please, please don't be late.

Jesus: Ohhhhhhh...um.

Me: What?

Jesus: It's just that...Friday is sorta the big reveal, you know, the whole "Move that Bus" thing...and, I promised Paul I would be there, we were even practicing yelling it today. OMG Paul was so funny, you should have been there, we were at craft services, oh and Paul makes the best egg and cheese bagel btw, anyways, we meant to say Move That Bus, but instead of bus, I said butt...it was hilarious. I mean, that's what Paul said...you know...that I was hilarious. Anyhoo, I told him I was going to wear a bracelet that said WWPD...you know..like What Would Paul Do? It was a real hoot.

Me: Who are you?

Question: What gets you to hell faster? Mocking Jesus or Ty "Mother Theresa" Pennington and Extreme Home Makeover? Both probably, huh?


Emily said...

I'll be joining you in hell because of my extreme dislike of Extreme Home Makeover.

Threeboys1mommy said...

OMGOODNESS!( I promise this is true)
My husband worked on an Extreme Makeover home while I was pregnant. They work all hours of the night so he was never home.
He got a free t-shirt and time away from the pregnant monster, so it was win win for him. I hate Ty! I bet that T-shirt looks nice on JC though.

Elisa said...

You can say and write whatever you want. You are pregnant! It's a great excuse, milk it for all it's worth. You don't have to make sense or be nice or play nice or anything, you can blame it all on hormones, morning sickness and 1st trimester jitters and tiredness and crankiness. Awesome. It almost makes me feel like getting pregnant again. Almost.
*lifting baby dust defletor*

Jennifer said...

OMG stranded w/ a flat tire and no cell! I don't know what I would do. I hope Ol' Man Tractor was helpful.

I've never watched EHM and I never want to!

Annie said...

Your buddy Ty should tell JC that he should always aid preggos in need. Ty pimps formula now, you know? He should be all about the soon to be lactating!

Tena said...

ACK! I would have freaked out if that happened to me. Stranded on the highway... stranded a fool... what would they say, Monday at schoooool!!! Sorry, happens a lot, I bust into song!

Great post!

Katie Kermeen Swisher said...

I love both Jesus and EHM, but I'm still thinking this is HILARIOUS! Seriously...laughing out loud.

jill jill bo bill said...

(i am writing this whispering, under my table in case,you know, the lightning strike thing for laughing and commenting.)

Deb said...

I hate EHM, but then I always cry at the reveal. And then I hate myself for crying.

Have I said before that I love your blog? It's one of two that I read regularly. You rock!

jen said...

Jesus H! I just read your last post--you got pregnant when your baby was 6 WEEKS OLD!!! I can't believe ANYONE was interested enough in sex to get back on that horse so soon!!

At least this time you won't have TWO babies.

Saltines. Stock up.

How to Party with an Infant said...

You clever girl. Love this.

Allison said...

Paul is all I gots to say.

I heart you. That was priceless.

Sarah Bellum said...

When you and Jesus have your GG marathon, can I come watch? I have some big time questions for him, plus it gets so lonely watching GG alone. I explain to Daisy each pop culture reference and she's all, "hey human I don't give a fuck." It's depressing. Or just tell Jesus to find me a gay fucking husband to watch with me.

kel said...

Jesus is one cool homey. And funny.

kel said...

Jesus is a cool homey. And funny.

the fat girl said...

for some reason, i imagined that entire dialogue like it was on family guy...i'm random; don't mind me.

The Mom said...

Ty is HAWT! Kinda like Michael Phelps hot....neck down. Throw a towel over his head and...what were we talking about?!

YOU are soooo funny, I think even Jesus would laugh well you know when he 'returns' and all.

LiteralDan said...

Your stock rises with me by mocking the Extreme Makeover: Home Edition folks... the show kind of works on Mute, just because they are doing nice things, but all those people need to be off TV.

Also, they need to rename the show to something less stupid, particularly since the show it was spun off from has effectively been off the air since it began.

Oh, and the Jesus mockery? Pure gold.

AJ said...

I stopped watching that show after it was in a town near us, and my husbands construction company did some of the work for them. Apparently, Ty and the gang, do nothing except pretend to work in front of the camera. 95% of the work (and even Ty's special room) is all done by workers you don't see on TV. Ty, Paul, etc...all a bunch of posers. Now, that aside, the company still coordinates for businesses in the community to donate work and supplies, and a deserving family does still get a free home.

However, I think they need to screen the families better, as one family went and took a mortgage against their mortgage free donated house, and now can not pay the money back and is in jeopardy of loosing it.


Judy@nofearentertaining said...

I hate car issues! As far as what gets you there faster? Who knows but you are going and because I laughed pretty hard I am probably there with you!

Christy said...

I don't think Jesus likes Ty Pennington either. At least, that's what I heard.

Average Girl In Average World said...

I can't stand Ty Pennington. Rumor has it he isn't even a licensed contractor :0

Carolyn...Online said...

I love it that Jesus talks back to you. It makes me like him more.

Anissa Mayhew said...

Does Jesus always talk to you when you're pregnant? Cause maybe it's time to stop crushing the prenatal vitamins ans snorting them...I know, habits are hard to break.

AJ said...

Ohhh, I just read threeboys comment, my husband worked on the house, got to wear the t-shirt for the 'move that bus' scene, and then had to give the t-shirt back. Like, "thanks for all your work buddy, you don't even get to keep the t-shirt."

Lizzie Bennett said...

Paige Hemmis, the one with huge boobs who always wears all the pink, has pink tools and decorates every room in glittery pink, is the one who bothers me. If anyone was distracting Jesus on the job site, you know it was her...

But glad you're up and driving around!

Kat said...

Too freakin funny. Not getting stranded, but the jesus bit. Love it, love irreverence.

ali said...

I don't get EHM. They take a crappy house and make it all fancy schmancy but they leave it in the same crappy neighborhood!

Marcy Jordan Photography said...

WWPD = Awesome.

Tuesday Girl said...

God I love this post.
I love it more than Jesus OR Pennington.

J.Danger said...

Holy Shit Brittany.

Jo-Jo said...

How did I miss a Gilmore Girls marathon?

Jamie said...

Holy mother of Mary...you too? We have been cursed by the tire gods!! I guess Jesus is NOT our homeboy. Good thing you took my "How to change a tire" course. Just so you know, I would not have spend by you, covering you in dust on the side of the dirt ride...I would have stopped and helped ya!! Oh, wait, unless on was on my way to a liqor store sale....sorry:)

Thanks for taking time out from puking and pissing all over yourself to say Happy Birthday!!!

Dejoni said...

You are SO bad!!!! But I like it!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

It's funny, I had no problem with the son of God swearing, but I got distracted when he said, "anyhoo".

Your gift of dialog is awesome.

JenniBeanV said...

You are so twisted and warped...I LOVE it...

DCD said...

Totally hilarious!

Sucks about the car thing though. Whenever I think about getting stranded I always think about what if I didn't have my phone. And then I start to think about how we didn't used to have "phones," and now you can't find a pay-phone to save your life. It pretty much spirals down from there.

Emiline said...

Jelly beans and Sprite? That's a very sweet and citrus-y craving. Do you eat the jelly bean combos? Like, buttered popcorn+caramel apple=apple pie, or something like that.

I hate EHM. I would rather watch anything besides EHM. I love how Kathy Griffin makes fun of it.

As for Jesus and God, I think they're probably cooler and more relaxed than everyone thinks they are. I think they have a sense of humor.

Brittany said...

First off, I just want to say THANK YOU to the people who commented on this post, I was sure I wouldn't get a single comment, so THANKS for not making me feel like a lunatic or a leper. And in hindsight, I am SO HAPPY I didn't tack on the lines about me telling Jesus that if he loves Paul so much,maybe he should marry him. To which Jesus says, if Obama/Biden win, maybe he will. That was a last minute judgment call, so I am pretty happy with that one.

And, lastly, I feel like I get to plead the 5th on the bull shit that comes out of my head for the next few months. So sorry in advance.

Emily...I you ready to be stoned by our peers?

Threeboys...See, I would have pregnant flipped out on him for that.

Elisa...I love you...wanna write my legal release for me:)

Jennifer...He was helpful, just scary and with a poor sense of humor.

Annie...He does!?!?!??! What kind of formula? Do the babies have to be tan to drink it?

Tena...HAHAHAHA! Thanks, I would rap for you, but I am eating a donut...so nothing rhymes at the moment.

Katie...Why thank you, I think I like you despite your EHM loyalty.

Jill...Don't worry, after I wrote this post I threw holy water on my keyboard. Actually, not so much holy water, as melted ice and sprite....but it was cleansing none the less.

Deb...No Deb, YOU rock,and I always cry when I get roped into watching it also. I feel dirty about it.

Jen...Dude, totally not my idea, my hubby was persuasive and I was tipsy.

How to Party...Why thank you darling!

Allison...Awww. Paul hearts you too, in fact,he is over there sobbing about how much he hearts you right now.

Sarah...You should totally come, all are welcome. That is more his rule than mine, him being all accepting of everyone and all, I am more like, you can come if you don't dress trashier than me.

Kel...He is, no one expects that from him.

The Fat Girl...Is it crazy I write like I am on Family Guy? That is how my inner dialogue runs:)

Jen...You know what, I think you have pin pointed the only way I would sleep with ty, with a towel over his head.

Dan...Ahhh, I adore me some BFF Dan. And, is it horrible I found the OG Extreme Makeover to be waaay better TV?

AJ...WHAT!?!?!?!?!? It's all a hoax!? I need feel SO much better about this post. What a FAKER!

Judy...I am thisclose to setting the thing on fire along the side of the road and dancing on the ashes. I need a limo and a driver.

Christy...I knew it!

Average Girl...REALLY!?!?! Look at all the scandals I am unearthing here! I could be on Dateline with this shit!

Carolyn...That's what I hope to do, show people just how bitchin and accessible he is on a day to day basis.

Anissa...Guilty. It's so hard to stop going through the motions ya know!?


Lizzie...I know, talk about a kick in the balls to feminism.

Kat...Why thank you!

Ali...Exactly, and then make it so big, the utilities and taxes on it have to be ridiculous.

Marcy...DO I need to start manufacturing the rubber bracelets?

Tuesday...I love anyone who ranks me higher than both Jesus and Ty Pennington.

Danger...I know. Wait. Holy shit good or holy shit bad?

JoJo...Dude, I have the boxed seasons.

Jaime...Screw the WWPD bracelet, I am totally going to wear a WWJD one! Your tire tutorial is a life saver.

Dejoni...Not as bad as you are!

Nanny...I agree, his use of Anyhoo is dated and distracting. But, it's hard to correct the grammar of Christ, he isn't down with constructive criticism.

Jenni...And those are my charming qualities.

DCD...But what if I find a payphone but have no change, because who carries change anymore? I don't know how to place collect calls, this opens up a whole scary thing.

Emiline...Um no, I only do the jelly belly sour ones. And I LOVE Kathy and her EHM mocking, they so deserve it, acting all good and godly on their giant tour bus of Ozone Destruction.

Judy@nofearentertaining said...

i know you like comments. What about awards? I passed one on to you. You can pick it up on my blog!

Swirl Girl said...

This was classic post!

Fo shizzle -

If you had 'OnStar' would that be a direct line to Jesus?

Anonymous said...

OMG-classic Jeebus mockery. Don't worry..hell will be crowded with all the rest of the fun sinners.

Not Just Any Jen said...

Oh, I feel so bad for you. That would totally suck.I don't blame you for calling Jesus out1

I swear, I live vicariously through you. Never cease to amaze me.

Zip n Tizzy said...

It's all good. The man upstairs has got your back... Just a little busy is all!
Hope tomorrow goes according to plan.

flickrlovr said...

Ohmigawd. I don't know how many more times I can say this: you're freaking hilarious Britt. The ONLY, and I said only, reason I ever watch EMHE is to see the designs/end results...but Ty's little yellingintothebullhornallthetimeandjumpingaroundandfakecryingwhensomethingisemotional? Naw, not for me, thanks.

Your 'interviews' are the shit. Fer reals.

ParentingPink said...

I'm with you - I'm going straight to hell for hating Ty! Jesus, I can probably handle!

Stephanie said...

make room in the handbasket for me. if i hear one more thing about EHM, i'm gonna choke a bitch.

Jennifer said...

That totally sounds like Jesus to me. That's why he wrote that whole "Footsteps" poem - as a cover for when he's deserted you. "I'm carrying you" my ass! You didn't need a carry, you needed a flippin' tire!
And what the heck! How do you not know how to change a tire??? Are you not an all powerful woman? You get out in that driveway and rotate all four of those tires until you know how it's done! I don't care how much you vomit on yourself doing it!!!!

Norm Schoen said...

Hell would be having to watch a full season of episodes of EHM.