Friday, September 12, 2008

The Scarlet Letter

I have sex.

You know, with my husband...mostly...I don't own stock in D batteries for nothing (wink, exaggerating darling, you are a tiger in the sack. roar.).

So yeah, I said it.

Please note my keen ability to announce to the world wide web my gift for getting it on, yet when it comes to the acknowledgment of any type of activity that alludes to the assumption of intercourse in the immediate presence of my parents, I run away like a screaming 4 year old.

I am pretty sure my parents still think I am a virgin.

Thanks, mostly, to the amazing job I have done making sure that no evidence of sexy time has leaked into their immediate environment.

Like, the morning after our wedding, you know, after you are supposed to spend the previous night consummating the fuck out of things, even though you are super tired, you have blisters on your heels and you smell like cake and armpit sweat? Well, we showed up to our day after brunch, not with messy sex hair and covered in lube, but rather with an airtight story of how we spent the evening discussing politics, eating freedom fries and playing Dr. Mario.

Genius! I know!

So, then comes the messy situation of getting knocked up, on two, now three occasions...and that's when things get tricky.

I looked, like, everywhere for the face of Jesus on chips or a piece of toast to solidify my immaculate conception argument a bit, but came up empty handed. I mean, what does a person have to do to get a decent, believable stigmata these days!?

And, in all honesty, things are just getting to complicated. I mean, sex alone is hard enough with two boys running around, most times we don't even get to take actual clothes off, and we find ourselves on stair landings and in closets, just to keep things in earshot so no one loses an eye while we are gone.

I need to suck it up and surrender my Daddy's Princess crown while I still have some dignity. Who are we kidding here? Daddy's Princesses don't have incontinence or this weird random hair growing near their nipple that you totally plucked a month ago, but it keeps coming back. They're sparkly and innocent,without bags under their eyes or episiotomy scars.

This is where my life is at, folks.

The scary crossroads of middle adulthood, paved with life insurance premiums and stool softener.

Where people have intercourse with other people, and their parents totally know about it.


HappyHourSue said...

OMG that was hilarious. I'm totally stressing that my Dad might even read my Joe Jonas quotes. And screwing Joe only has like a 40% chance of actually happening.

Mekhismom said...

You are so funny. I love the quickies on the stair landings and in the closet - keeping it spicy while monitoring the kiddies I see!

And who are you kidding? Everyone knows about the birds and the bees- your first two were not immaculately conceived and no one will believe this one is!

Hello? Your parents have known about the sex thing awhile ago. Glad to see that you are realizing that now.

But the stigmata idea was brilliant - maybe it would have worked the first time around.

AJ said...

You are so funny. I can talk about sex with my friends, my female coworkers, hell even my 52 year old male boss without even turning red. But if I have to talk about it to my mother (for only purely medical factual information), I have to call it "you know." If she mentions her "you know" to me, sweet Jesus, look out because my eyes and ears both start bleeding.

Why is it so wierd?

Christy said...

I know the parents know about the sex, but...YUCK! Worse still is always remembering that they themselves had sex in order for us to exist (and may even still have it...EEWWWW.)

Anonymous said...

You think it's hard to talk about it when you are married and supposed to be screwing, try talking about, I mean avoiding it when you are divorced and dating again! Clearly I'm not a virgin, but yet am supposed to wait until I am properly married again to enjoy?! Snort. Me thinks not. It's just really hard to keep references from slipping out. Like that vacation I just went on. Yah, avoided the mention of "the hotel" until it accidentally leaked from my mouth. The pause was devastating. Shudder. I could almost hear my mom's Bible study praying for me....

Jo-Jo said...

What is that insurance commercial? I am totally there.

Lizzie Bennett said...

I lived with a boyfriend for a while and we always had to rent houses that had at least two bedrooms. You know, to keep up virginal appearances.

Oh, and at least it's only one hair. Start growing several and give them names (Aladdin and Jasmine are currently shacking up on my right boob) and then we can talk.

Diane said...

I don't think my mother knows about sex. I really don't. If I ever mention it, she puts her fingers in her ears and sings, 'la la la la la' so she can't hear me. I'm 43. She's 69. I think she had it, once (well, 3 times, probably, since I have 2 brothers), but she's clearly blocked it out of her mind... selective amnesia. And she sees no issue with kids watching movies with crazy, bloody gratuitous violence, but if a woman's bare breasts are shown? Whoa, Nelly! THAT is inappropriate! No wonder I'm screwed up. Geez

jill jill bo bill said...

Just say you used a turkey baster. That's what all the rest of us virgins say.

Aubrey said...

Ok Britt. When will I learn that I absolutely can NOT be drinking any sort of beverage while reading your blog? Seriously. Again with the splatter on my laptop screen.

Um ya, I don't think the word sex has ever come up between my parents and I since I have been married. Now, when I was in high school, that was a different story. I could pretty much count on my mom crying & freaking out every time she used the word "sex" and my boyfriends name in the same sentence.

Aubrey said...

Oh! And I forgot to tell you...
I just found out IKEA is coming to my city! The joy!!

Jennifer said...

Yeah--I guess after the third pregnancy the cat's out of the bag!!

Threeboys1mommy said...

... hmm... I've only done it 3 times, my parents know that. Sex is for procreation only Britt. Oh and who has sex on their wedding night? I don't believe that one for a second! (unless you got married in Vegas)

*edi- not not with messy sex hair ;) Tell me if this annoys you and I'll stop...

Kathy said...

I'm so glad you have the balls to say it how it really is! I swear all four times I told my parents I was pregnant, my dad sighed in disgust. Because I was essentially shouting out to the world that I did indeed have sex!

The Mom said...

I loathe thinking or discussing sex with my parents...and rarely have...although when they take my kids when we go on weekend trips or just overnighters, i get all sweaty just knowing they "know what we'll be doing!" AHHH NOOO!

Sra said...

I love Dr. Mario! Is it bad that I'd probably rather play Dr. Mario than have sex? I mean, I love sex and all, but DR. MARIO!

Tuesday Girl said...

I am right there with you. That is why my mom has no idea my blog even exists, so I can talk about sex, brazilian waxing and grey pubic hairs.

DCD said...

I was just thinking this morning if I would ever blog about anything sexual. And quickly decided the answer would be "no" since I know my parents check in periodically.

This post is hysterical! Way to put it out there.

I'm stressing more about the stubborn chin hair that keep coming back to haunt me - WTF is up with that??

J.Danger said...

turkey baster! Works for me. (as a STORY i meant!)

Swirl Girl said...

Two thoughts came into my head while reading this:
1) on my wedding night I said - "honey, do me a favor and don't do me. I'm pooped."


2) if your parents know you have sex...guess what that means? They had sex too! ick {shudder}

JenniBeanV said...

Stool softeners rock.

Annie said...

I like that turkey baster idea! My mom wants ANOTHER grandbaby again she all but begs for overnights with my I can procreate.

lamb said...

shit. LOVE the post, but i was hoping you were gonna talk about the lack of sex drive while pregnant. cause...i am SO there.

Keely said...

My relationship with my own parents strikes the delicat balance between total denial and TMI.

My relationships with HUBBY'S parents, on the other hand - my MIL once made a comment along the lines of, "If he thinks I'm going to have sex with him just because he did the dishes for the first time in 40 years, he's out of his mind!".

I think I had an aneurysm. Right now, I'm walking around with an aneurysm. Then I told hubby about the conversation, and HE is now walking around with several strokes, a heart attack, and a brain tumor. Gah.

Emily said...

Um, my mom still totally thinks I'm a virgin. And that's not a baby I'm growing. It's a, um, tumor. Yeah, a tumor!

LiteralDan said...

I'm trying to decide which I love more-- this post, or Keely's comment above.

Brittany, once again you and I are totally on the same page here. Except for that creepy nipple hair... I have probably thousands of those. But then, they're well camouflaged.

How to Party with an Infant said...

The worst is when you have to tell your mom you're "trying," whick is basically saying "we're fucking without a rubber."

Tasha said...

Dh and I have dicussed renting a room by the hour, so at least we can get louder than a whisper and not have to worry about little knocks on the door at 10pm. It's Vegas, after all. Rooms by the hour really exist..right?

Start a buzz said...

Hello. I have been reading your blog since you started it, and it makes me wonder where the heck you were when I was living in Swantucky! I could have used a funny friend to get me through my short lived residence there. I still have so many questions about that town. At least I get to visit there every other week since my house had been for sale there for um, 2.5 years. Please keep up the awesome, but strangely relatable posts.

texasholly said...

Love your cover story. Genius.

And the nipple hair? a bit TMI. I can't believe out of everything you posted I am worried about that nipple hair...OMG!

kel said...

Nailed it! Pun intended.

Carrie said...

Ah shoot, you should have tweeted me! I found a Baby Jesus Cheeto the other day while I was eating some Cheddar Jalapeno Cheetos. I TOTALLY would have overnighted it to you, had I known.

I have a picture of it up on my blog. Feel free to use it if it helps your "virginal delusion" for your parents! " )

Sandy C. said...

I had to buy ovulation predictor kits today at Target. My mom insisted she come with.

I tried to lose her in the cookie/snack isle. She found me at check out.

Longest eye. roll. ever.

Laura said...

So damn funny! I can say "sex" in front of my mom. As for the mother-in-law... our children were brought by the stork.

cook eat FRET said...

i totally forgot how awesome your blog is because all i ever freakin' do is read diehard food blogs but YOU are wonderful so i apologize for being gone so long but i am catching up and laughing my ass off...

Elizabeth said...

Love the post. I swear my father could barely talk to me about my pregnancy, for fear he'd have to consider how I got that way! lol

Brittany said...

Sue...Come on...let's get real here...we BOTH know that percentage is more like 80%.

Mekhismom...I don't know, I like to consider my parents brilliantly sheltered in the respect of my sex life...even if it's not true, it helps me sleep.

AJ...Um yeah, my parent's "you know" would make my head explode.

Christy...Stork, darling.

Queen...HAHA! You deserve all kinds of sexy time!

JoJo...Dude, totally.

Lizzie...I did the same thing in college, every apartment my boyfriend and I rented had two bedrooms! Most expensive virginal cover up ever!

Diane...HAHA! Good to know she has tastes!

Jill...Sweet Jesus!

Aubrey...Maybe they assume that all married people don't have sex anymore. I like to assume my parents are celibate.

Jennifer...You think?

Threeboys...No, you are my favorite editor ever! Seriously, I type too fast, and you always save my ass!

Kathy...HAHA! Yeah,my dad pretty much has nothing to do with me until I bring a baby home from the hospital..until then, I just have a "condition."

Jen...HAHA! I know, I am dying to get a hotel for the night,but I so do not want to ask them to babysit, they know a hotel equals a full night of reality, it just totally means watching tv in bed with food and sleeping in.

Sra...Dr. mario is the BEST GAME EVER INVENTED. And you can quote me on that.

Tuesday...Haha...I think my mom reads it, maybe my dad...lucky I feel cushioned from the blow by the internet. Like, they can read it, but I don't have to own up to it in person.

dcd...Thanks! And it scares me how often the word electrolysis enters my mind.

Danger...Yeah, yeah:)

Swirl...1. I hear ya, we only did it 'cause we had to. 2. I refuse to accept that.

Jenni...They are a lifesaver after labor!

Annie...That is hilarious! Does she give you gifts of massage oil and romantic candles?

Lamb...Don't worry darling, it will pick up into hyper mode soon enough, get your rest while you can.

Keely...yeah, my parents would be bad. My in laws would be vomit inducing!

Emily...Or maybe some sort of alien probing?

Dan...See, nipple hair on guys is manly and hot though. I guess I should be thankful I only have one.

How to party...HAHAHA! I told them that the first time, this last time was a total secret...for that very reason!

Tasha...Fuck yes they do, just bring a rubber sheet to lay on.

Start a buzz...From the beginning? That is scary, things sucked ass back then:) Thanks for sticking it out! And where in Swantucky? Were you a former knottie?

Holly...Seriously, if I posted pictures of my girly parts, would you still just be focused on how gross the nipple hair is???

Kel...BWahahahahaha! Cue the rim shot!

Carrie...How fast can you get it to me:)

Sandy...I. WOULD. DIE. I feel like dying for you! I just can't even imagine!

Laura...I wish I could make the stork theory airtight.

Cook...Well welcome the crap back! Stick around this time!

Elizabeth...Word. My dad is convinced that for the next 7 months, I merely have a condition.

amelia bedelia said...

ok, this is weird, but i can talk about sex easier with my mil than my mom. that's gross now that i have thought about it.

Jennifer said...

Soooo, are you going to have a sit down with them? Or is this just going to happen over the dinner table? "Mom, Dad, there's a baby in my belly, and my hubby's winky dink put it there." Now THAT'S dinner conversation!

Start a buzz said...

I don't know what qualifies me to be a knottie other than a profile, but I guess I kinda was. I mean I got on to watch the Toledo board train wreck, but I rarely/never posted. My sister got hooked on your blog too, after I told her you took on the role of mother to "Irish Twins". She has a girl and a boy though. I don't know which is harder.

Not Just Any Jen said...

Like you, my babes are close together. Each time I was a bit embarrassed, because then my parents knew I was doing it.

But the third time, my husband announced it on my son's first birthday. I think he was so proud he still worked about the testicular C.

His parents thought we were joking, and actually laughed.

Then my MIL related that when she had her pregnancies, she was sure her parents though all she did was have sex. She said this to me! I had a just one year old, two year old and a bun in the oven.

When people say you've been busy, you know just what they mean.

Sarah Bellum said...

Dude, you're such a whore. Which is not a bad thing. When you're done making this baby, can you make me one? Please? I'll buy an Inn with you.

Foodycat said...

My inlaws think we got married after dating 3 months, because my husband won't tell them we lived together a year before that, and shagged for quite some years prior to that. I think they think we have separate beds.

Marie said...

As always, I'm late to comment but OMG same problem here thankyouverymuch! What is it about sex talk and parents. Do they think we are virgins forever or what?! I still don't get it.

My mom once mentioned in front of a friend of mine to me where I was conceived. I wanted to stab my ears.

HeatherW said...

What!??! I thought I was hte only person that played Dr. Mario!! And by the way I KICK ASS!!

Robin said...

Ick. I would rather run down the street naked with my vibrator then speak the word SEX to my parents.

Haven't give up my Daddy Princess Crown either apparently.

Oh, and I have that weird random hair on my boob too. It'