Thursday, October 16, 2008

Blizzardy

I am going to try and make this as coherent as possible.

Which is hard, I have lots to do, but am too hungry to do it....plus Henry the pug is snoring so damn loud, and I keep throwing paper clips at him, but he is ignoring me and I think my head may explode.

Fuck! I just tried sticking my pinky fingers in his little pug nostrils, no dice, the bastard wins again. Snore.

Ok, what was I going to say again?

Um.

Oh yeah!

I hit a guy with my car yesterday.

Actually, the term hitting sounds, I don't know, criminal...so let's say, I touched him with my car yesterday. And before you freak out...

A. I was only going, like, 10 miles per hour.
2. I was thinking about inventing marshmallow flavored ice cream.

So, it's not like it was done out of spite, all though it should have been because, I am not gonna lie, the guy was kinda a jerk off...from what I could tell, I mean, I honestly didn't even know him before I touched him with my car.

And, to be even more specific, I was merely circling the parking lot of the grocery store, thinking about really important issues, waiting for my husband to come out, when he jumped in front of my car, and I actually stopped in time(ish), but then, he threw himself onto my front end in disgust.

Either way, I think we are cool.

He already had a cane, so what's one more reason to limp, ya know?

Silly old fellow.

It's just that, I find that my brain is fuzzy these days, kinda blizzardy...is that a word? Fire Fox spellchecker says no, but I don't even care, things are fucking blizzardy up in here.

Like the other day, I took my 2 year old with me to the apple farm to get apples. He likes to go, they have goats there. Anyways, I got him out of the car, he played with the goats, and it isn't even until I go to put him back into the car that I realize, um, this little dude has, like, no pants on. No pants. None.

Who pets goats without pants on?

Goats can nip at your pee pee, true story.

So yeah, and while I had planned to try exercising and thin up a bit for our upcoming Florida trip in November, my husband called me yesterday to announce it has been moved to Saturday...like this one coming up. Soooo...I have no clothes to wear, I look like a swollen pumpkin, I have to remember to pack things for others, and, ummm...oh yeah, do something with the pug, because that son of a bitch is not staying home alone for 10 days, all he'll do is eat my underwear and pee on things.

So, yeah...that is about where things stand right now.

I should probably go pack some more stuff...you know...besides panties, contact solution and pringles.

47 comments:

the MomBabe said...

I've totally nudged someone before. Also, it totally wasn't my fault.

Swirl Girl said...

maybe that is the old dude's schtick. Throw himself in front of a car and then sue....times are hard ya know. And the old "will work for food" signs don't work like they used to....

don't forget undies for the boy either.

Anonymous said...

That is just not right! Three days notice?!? Oh, and I like your new word...blizzardy...

Jennifer said...

Yikes! Well the important thing is that the guy is fine!

Have fun on your trip and if you invent marshmallow ice cream--I want some!

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

ummm...sorry? I would totally watch your pug for you. I wanted a pug really bad but instead we got Lizzard the Terrorist who needs Prozac. Shit I think I need the Prozac. Wait I got sidetracked. The dude will be fine, just slip him some of Lizzard's przac and a benjamin and it's all good.

Cheryl said...

I needed a chuckle, Thanks!

AJ said...

My sister hit someone before, too. Totally the pedestrian's fault. Plus canes and limps are totally cool these days thanks to Dr. Gregory House.

Pants are almost always optional, especially when you're 2, apple farms included. I'm pretty sure that's a written rule somewhere.

jill jill bo bill said...

Blame it on hormones. Hormones make everything fuzzy, even your chin.

Christy said...

I wouldn't worry about it. Like you said, he already had a cane so, no biggie, right? And I for one think packing Pringles for a trip is a great place to start.

Ashleigh said...

Nudging someone totally isn't a crime. Like you said, he already had a cane. Marshmallow ice cream= total genius.
Our pug snores like an old man too, it's the most annoying sound in the world, besides high pitched screeches from a toddler.
Blizzardy is a word, fuck Firefox, the spell check pisses me off to no end, especially since my husband has some giant computer screen and the words are all over the place when I MySpace.

Enveous1 said...

You definitely can't be expected to be capable of driving a car and teaching men how to walk in a parking lot! it's like trying to convince a man that a minivan is not a sportscar. they only know 1 thing, drive and walk = don't get in my way.

Lizzie Bennett said...

They definitely already make marshmallow flavored ice cream. If it wouldn't show up in a liquidy mess I'd send you some...

And sometimes old people need to be tapped for jumping out in front of cars. It's common sense.

alanna rose said...

My mom once packed us all for vacation (even dad) and forgot to pack a thing for herself - hello emergency Kmart wardrobe!

The pictures are awesome :)

ParentingPink said...

Sounds like the old man deserved it - I mean jumping out in front of a hungry, pregnant woman's car. Sheesh! At least you guys called it even.

And about the "no pants" thing. It seems like daily someone is "bottomless" around my house. There's always some half-naked or totally naked little girl leaping about. Hubby is afraid it's a sign of "things to come." Maybe Chris Rock was right when he said the best thing he could do for his daughters was to "keep 'em off the pole." Hmph, now I'm quoting Chris Rock. Guess it's just been that kinda day!

April said...

Marshmallow flavored ice cream sounds pretty freaking spectacular.

April said...

marshmallow ice cream sounds pretty freaking spectacular.

Judy@nofearentertaining said...

I understand blizzardy! Now nudging someone with your car...Ugh!!! Trip moved up by weeks, I am dizzy just thinking about it!!! Have a great time, the weather should be great!

Jennifer, Playgroups Are No Place For Children said...

You crack me up! This may be my favorite line ever, "Goats can nip at your pee pee, true story."

Awesome.

And yes "blizzardy" is a word. I mean, I make up words all the time which doesn't make them any less wordy.

Momisodes said...

"stopped in time(ish)"- LMAO!

I must remember that when Dadisodes asks about the scratch on the car.

Raging Dad said...

The only part of this post I'd be concerned about is the pants thing. I'm assuming that pants are optional in the BF house, but you gotta cover that up when going out! ;)

LiteralDan said...

You need to edit this story slightly to feature the image running through my head, of you very slowly rolling over an old man.

The second edit would be to stress the genius of marshmallow ice cream way more heavily, to put you right up there with Michael Jackson conceiving "Billie Jean" while absentmindedly cruising L.A. in a car whose engine was on fire.

An added benefit would be to help you win over the jury... make sure to bring samples.

Emiline said...

I need specifics on the ice cream...was it just marshmallow flavored, or did it have add-ins, such as graham crackers and milk chocolate?
Ice cream can really distract you when driving.

Have fun in Vegas! Pack lots of Pringles!

Anna Lefler said...

* snort * Hilarious post!

Thanks for stopping by the 'stache contest and leaving a comment! Your blog rocks!

:^) Anna

Average Girl In Average World said...

Can't. Believe. 2 year old. Forgot. Pants.What was he thinking???

I suggest packing some extra money to get a spa treatment(s) that you so desperatly need.

Why do dogs prefer panties? Never understood that....

ali said...

If you've got a 'goat nippin at pee pee' story, we need to hear it!

Tiffiney said...

You got me at marshmallow ice cream...glad the guy lived...lol...Hope you are having a better day today! :)

Miss Yvonne said...

Damn, I read your post title and got all excited thinking it was going to be about Dairy Queen blizzards. And now I want a marshmallow ice cream blizzard.

Haasiegirl said...

can you come over here and nudge a few people on my street?

trisha
momdot.com

peter said...

My son, 4, won't keep his pants on either. Never has, though he is a bit better now when we're not at home.

Tenakim said...

Your panties, solution, and pringles make you better packed than me already- thanks for making me feel like a total procrastinator- as I sit and read more blogs.

DCD said...

"Blizzardy" is my life! And I can't even blame it on being pregnant.

I'm sure that old guy totally deserved it. Also, pringles are totally essential to travel - really, what else would you need?

kel said...

Don't pack your car for Florida. There's lots of people walking around with canes, and I suspect that hitting them might make the state ban you and ruin your vacation.

Anissa Mayhew said...

Oh holy crap, you're coming to FL...you know, I am IN THE FLORIDA! You should really email me when you finish figuring out how much duct tape it requires to keep your pug on the wall for 10 days and let me know where you're going to be, because if you are anywhere NEAR Tampa or Orlando, I want to stalk you!

Allison said...

At least hubby dragged his ass into Target instead of making you go in in a pair of short shorts.

Jenni Jiggety said...

If you've got panties, pringles and contact solution? I'd say you're ready to rock!

Shelly... said...

Just wanted to say hi and also laugh about your Pug. Yep, I have the smooshed-in-face breed and man can those fuckers snore. And fart. wow.
And, whatever to the guy you hit. What was his problem for getting in your way??? :)
Did he go to the doc?

Jo-Jo said...

Hope you have a great time! Try and remember to post us a little blog about your trip. I know with you being prego and all it is hard to remember anything but tacos and marshmellow icecream

Jennifer said...

You always make me laugh!

Foodycat said...

Was the kid pantsless to begin with or did he shed them as the day progressed? I have been chewed by goats - they only got the end of my pigtail so it was OK, but if I had been pantless and male it would have been very concerning.

Aria said...

Good Afternoon, Brit! I wanted to let you know that you've been tagged, and given both the Butterfly and the I Love Your Blog awards. Congratulations! For full details go to http://ariazink.blogspot.com/2008/10/tagged-and-awarded.html

And just so you know, I don't expect this to be a published comment, but it was the easiest way to contact you... Great day to you!

Tasha said...

"stopped in time(ish)"

LOLOL! Glad to hear he's okay! :P

Shamelessly Sassy said...

I intentionally nudged a man with my car once. I'm not even joking. If I reword that to say that I purposely hit a man with my car once, well, I become a little frightened of myself. haha.

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

I'm sure it was scary at the time but the way you tell it, it's funny ;)

Jozette said...

Well, if you had pants on, then really, what's the big deal? I mean 1 out of 2 ain't bad. Not bad at all.

Heather said...

I've saved you the trouble of inventing marshmallow ice cream. I made some last month. Well actually, it was roasted banana/toasted marshmallow ice cream. It was gooooood.

Florida Girl In Sydney said...

Came to you thru AAYSR. Hilarious. Now I have to go read more...

texasholly said...

I don't think I have ever read the sentence, "who pets goats without pants" before. Awesome.