Monday, October 13, 2008

Corner office, flying shrimp

This is a true story of 7 strangers, picked to eat together at a hibachi grill and catch shrimp in their mouths, to find out what happens when people stop being polite and start being real...and by real, I mean totally try and talk you and your husband into swinging with them.

So, my brilliant, handsome, too manly for words husband got himself a much earned raise and promotion last week. He now has the fancy shmancy word "Senior" ahead of his crazy ass long and confusing computer engineering something something something title. Is it amazing and exciting? Yes. Does it dispel the worry I still have about the upcoming layoffs in November and December? Um, no.

But, either way, the news garnered the importance of a celebratory dinner with his boss and his wife, so to the local cook in front of you Japanese place we went. I love the food, but really could do without the show (seriously, just put the food in front of me so I can eat it, don't balance it on your hat, I want it in my belly. now.), and could very much do without sitting with a group of strangers and singing happy birthday to some screaming kid who I don't even know, who totally doesn't even want to be there, all he wanted was chicken fingers and fries, but his jerk off parents insisted he be cultured at the expense of the sanity of all the other overpaying customers.

But, it's cool. The night was not about me, it was about him, and if we had to sit with some creepy strangers because they have to fill every table to it's maximum to meet some kind of slaughter house like quota, fine, bring on the shrimp throwing and onion volcano lighting. Oh, and the Shirley Temples. I have no idea what that was about, but I drank like 8 of them...but only because they kept putting them in little kid cups, even though I told them I could drink out of an adult size cup just fine as long as they continued to put the sword with the cherry and orange on them. Losers.

So yeah, fun was had by all. And, I looked super cute with my little pot belly and my kiddie cocktail, minding my own business while my hubby and his boss chatted it up about work, and I desperately tried to avoid making eye contact with the couple next to me, especially since the lady had already elbowed my right supfuckingtender boob about ten times, and I can only give her the "whoops, don't worry about it, I am sure it was an accident and not you playing with my boobs" face so many times before I offer her a cigarette. But, no. Fate barges in, knocks the fork from my hand, and leaves me to dive face first into this grabby lady's lap for some fork fishing.

Me: Got it, sorry about that.
Lady: No problem, close quarters around here.
Me: Oh for sure (awkward giggle).

Ok, shift focus back to the shrimp, no need to milk the interaction for more than it's worth.

Lady: So, do you and your husband live around here?
Me: Um, about 40 minutes away.
Lady: My husband and I just live 5 minutes from here.
Me: Wow, must be great to have such yummy food close by.
Lady: Yes. And it's nice to know we are so close, so we can always just steal away to our place if the situation arises.
Me: Um. yeah.
Lady: *leaning in so I can smell her couger perfume* Like if the situation arises tonight.
Me: Excuse me, the baby inside of me is making me pee.

Really lady, if the best prospects of group sex tonight is the mentally stunted pregnant girl next to you drinking child size sprite and grenadines with a collection of fruit swords on her napkin, you need to reevaluate your standards. Not to mention, I am too tired to fake it and your husband looks really hairy.

55 comments:

MamaNeena said...

For some reason I can picture scenario as one of those 'Priceless' commercials.
My hubby has one of those crazy computer engineering jobs, too. We've been trying to get back up to the Ohio area because my family is there.

Oh, and are you sure this cougar didn't see you at target? Maybe she thought she had a chance.

Dejoni said...

Woman,
Don't you hate when that happens???
We got accousted on a cruise by this couple...when we turned them down they moved on to another couple and got lucky. Next thing I know, all of them get buck ass naked on the top deck of the cruise ship...and they weren't pretty. OH...my eyes...the horror...I still have retinal scarring.

Renée aka Mekhismom said...

OMG! I cannot believe that this happened to you. And that is not so say that you are not a hot chick and all but in all of my naivete I just didn't know that things like this occur in real life. Hmm, strangely I am a bit jealous.

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

Wow--I think I would have bolted from there screaming! Were you wearing the hohoho shorts by any chance ;)

Lambrina said...

god. now im craving a Roy Rogers. thanks.

Foodycat said...

I don't know what to say. Nothing like this has ever happened to me. Maybe I should give up the booze and try Shirley Temples?

Brittany said...

Chalk that one up to life experience...
I can honestly say my husband & I have never been propositioned by swingers....now I feel left out.

Congrats on your hubby's raise/promotion!

April said...

haha "i am too tired to fake it"! love it!!!

HappyHourSue said...

So her scenario went:
"Like if the situation arises tonight.."
You: "I think it already has..."
Her:"Let' get out of here"
You: "Honey grab the condoms- we're going with these guys."

Lorie said...

I have been sitting here laughing for over 10 minutes. I cannot imagine what the heck I would say if someone did that to me.

You are hilarious, your life is hilarious and I'm insanely jealous.

Threeboys1mommy said...

Are you to old to appear on The Real World? I think MTV should make an exception.

Deb said...

Yuck. I was craving Hibachi until I read "like if the situation arises tonight." Yuck, again.

sarah said...

i have been cleaning all afternoon with the promise that when i finished i could check and read the blogs i wasn't allowing myself to get distracted by.

so yeah. the point. i might be high from all of the cleaner i just inhaled, but still this was seriously funny. did you just laugh in her face??? how do you even begin to respond?

Laura said...

How did you hold back from screaming, "Awesome! Let's go! No birth control needed, already a baby in here!!!"?

jill jill bo bill said...

Oh me oh my. I am speechless. And thankfully retardd in that area of swingdom. I would have had NO idea what she was referring to. You are so worldly and smart, Britt. I would do you, too.

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

You should have told her that is she wanted to cop any more feels she would have to buy your next shirley temple.

Congrats to the hubs for his promotion!

AJ said...

Now all I can think about is Miso soup and sushi!

Jenni Jiggety said...

LOL! I think I met her at a comedy club in Boston once!

JT said...

ROFL!!!!!
Oh god, I think I just peed myself a little.

Brooke said...

Wow. Maybe she meant in case the shellfish disagrees with her system?

I'm trying here. Honestly I'm quite disturbed by the prospect of swingers. This isn't even the '70s.

Shelly... said...

I have been to the same type of restaurant where you are all jammed in together and the cook is trying to impress or startle you. And you have to make an ass out of yourself by trying to catch shrimp in your mouth. Thank god the one and only time I went it was with all family otherwise, to freakin' close for comfort.
I think the PC term for swingers nowadays is poly-amorous! And before you get freaked out the only reason I know this is because an old friend lives that freaky lifestyle.

ali said...

Man, Ohio is more happenin' than I thought!

Keely said...

Are you secretly a freak magnet? I think I just snorted my Shirley Temple out of my nose.

Katie Kermeen Swisher said...

Ew...When I think about getting picked up in a Japanese steak house, I imagine hairy dudes wearing polyester 70's suits with tufts of chest hair tangled in their gold chains. I wonder if this couple frequents this spot successfully???

kel said...

Come on, Britt, don't lie. You weren't just fishing for your fork down there.

Cheryl said...

All I can say is DUDE!

Miss Yvonne said...

Of course real swingers are totally hairy and totally do not look like Salma Hayek and George Clooney. Because if they did? I would totally go for it.

Sigh...it would be AWESOME to have Salma elbow my boob.

Mom Taxi Julie said...

Congrats to your hubby! And obviously you are one hot mama!

Allison said...

Congrats on the promo! Sorry about your boob though.

Emiline said...

Omigosh! That is so gross!
Has that ever happened to you guys before?

WOW.

Congrats to your husband!

Carolyn...Online said...

Man, I would've had to grill her with questions just to make her say it out loud. Say. It.

Tam Tam said...

Now that's one I have never had happen, you just bring out the sexpot in all of us:) Glad you were not accosted or groped under the table.....people are so creepy these days!
XOXOXO
The Queen

Jennifer said...

OH NO! ha!!

Jo-Jo said...

Well at least you know you are still hot no matter how prego you get! Did they give you a due date yet? I was gone for about a week...I don't know if I missed that or not.

Leah said...

Oh man! What a night for you! Hmm...no one's ever propositioned me and my husband like that before...jeez now I feel like crap.

Haha just kidding. Congrats on your husbands job and the...um...opportunity. ;)

Average Girl In Average World said...

Has everyone been hit on my those freaks????

I'm not sharing, nor am I swapping...eewwwwww

Thanks, now I gots the heebie jeebies.

LiteralDan said...

I love that you were downing the kiddie cocktails, which my wife and I both love (of course I can only occasionally order them and still escape with my dignity).

And you hit the nail on the head-- Yes to the cherries and cool swords that I will never stop loving, but No to the crazy, gaudy kids' cup that won't let anyone forget what I'm drinking.

Once again, you've left me virtually slow clapping in awe and respect at my screen. Is there an Internet shorthand for that? VSC@MS?


P.S. Congratulations on the promotion, the disturbing/flattering proposition, and good luck making it through the layoffs, (both for your husband and anyone who makes his job easier).

Politi Gal said...

Laf es lak a bawks uff chawklate!
And thank God (cause I really digg your bitchin' humor) the pieces you find are soo very nut filled!

LuckyMe said...

EWWW. Maybe you'd be desperate, too, if you were married to the horny hairy guy. Take me to Chile's!

Tiffiney said...

That is crazy! I cannot believe she said that to you! What a freak. And a very hairy man..Yuck!

Momisodes said...

Yikes!

Should have tipped off the chef with the quick knives to undercook their shrimp :(

Tenakim said...

That is hilarious and gross all at the same time!

Aria said...

Brit! Seriously, you didn't jump on that offer??? Excuse me while I go gag down the little bit of puke that came up to the back of my throat...

By the way, I was wondering, if I'm following you on Twitter, and you're not following me (I'll ignore the affront!!! totally joking!--kind of) do you ever get the posts when I reply to you? Not that I'm saying follow me, but it would be good to know for general info purposes... Thanks!

Lizzie Bennett said...

I've had college kids propositioning me for threesomes (and foursomes) lately. This is what I get for living in a college town. But I think your hairy, older, smelling like hibachi cooking couple takes the cake. At least if I said yes to the college kids they wouldn't have beer bellies. Yet.

Congrats to your husband!

Annie said...

Love the food and hate the show. Me, too. And to think, you might have gotten a "PEEP SHOW" as dessert!

Raging Dad said...

Wow, encountering swingers in the wild! You should have taken her picture.

J.Danger said...

Holy Shit. I don't know if I would be flattered or flabbergasted.

Beadiful Things said...

That must've improved your appetite.

I found you because you won my earrings on Jay's Halftime Lessons blog. Glad I did, though, because now I think I'll add you to my list. Def. want to hear more about you being approached & propositioned by the hoi polloi.

Hey, shoot me your shipping addy when you get a chance and I'll get those earrings in the mail to you! My email is beadifulthings@gmail.com.

Tishia said...

Ok this totally freaking cracks me up! OMG I can only imagine and I totally have a scene in my head of how this went down. I can't stop laughing! And then I read the comments and I'm still laughing over the 2nd comment that was left. Way too funny!

Meg said...

Ah, business dinners as The Wife. So. Much. Fun.
You're several up on me just in answering her. I think I would have just stared awkwardly for a couple of minutes thinking: did she really just say that? Really?

DCD said...

Is it bad to say out loud that I maybe would get just a little confidence boost from being hit on by a cougar swinger?

Yeah...I thought so.

Leah said...

Guess what...you have an award waiting for you on my blog :)

Oregon Elkhorns said...

Ok , so I am probably the obly guy who reads your blog religiously because it is totally hilarious and it gives me insight into the female mind. This one is golden. My wife read it and just loved it. Thanks. Come check out my blog some day. Nice job.

Tony

Jozette said...

oh my. i seem to always attract the crazies, too. you handled it well, i probably would have said something like, 'if you touch my boob again i'm gonna charge you.'

Bluestreak said...

Hilarious story. I can't believe she first attempted accidental boobage contact. I guess maybe that's so when the couple turns them down, at least they can go home and talk about how hot they got copping feels. SICK.