Monday, October 27, 2008

Trippy

I am home. We are home. Everyone is home...even that skanky sippy cup full of milk I left on the counter before we left, it's here too.

On the plus side, I am relieved to still have the freedom to roam around my house, not addressing the stinking sippy of rotting whole milk, as 8ish days in close quarters with my in laws...thems some trying times, that could break even the most devoted of catholic girls...of which I am not...rather, file me under dirty, embarrassing and obsene.

So you can see how hard this was for me.

But, I did it, our first long distance family vacation...done.

Maybe things would have been smoother had I had more than 1 1/2 days to prepare for the excursion, or if I hadn't had the brilliant idea to drive down to Florida from Ohio with two toddlers who can't drive for 5 seconds without making me switch the DVD in the player ten times and fighting over who is breathing on who.

But, I didn't care, we were having our first Florida vacation and trip to Disney World come hell or high water, and we were going to fucking enjoy it, damn it.

Did we?

Um, sure.

But, I feel like I have to share with you the lessons I picked up along the way, just in case any of you happen to be equally as big jackasses as me and attempt such a trip.

1. States are big. And long. And some have mountains in them, which make it ridiulously hard to pee while hovering over the dirty toilet seat with popped ears. Totally threw off my equilibrium. Peed on my flip flops.

2. On a related note. I have come to terms with pooping in public restrooms. Mostly out of necessity. It is way easier just to poop and get it done with, than it is to hold it in to fester inside of you, destroying your insides and your ability to sit upright or laugh hard. Poop is way more fun when it comes out on purpose in a place that is not your pants.

3. Disney World is for masochists. 8 hour days of continual beatings, and not even the fun kind. Lines and lines, and rude kids, and scary emo teenagers with black eyeliner teardrops drawn on their cheeks, totally crushed their family paid $2838547563729 to bring them to the happiest place on earth, even though they totally tear up when they meet Mickey or get a boner (is that what the kids still call it?) when Cinderalla walks by.

Here is my suggestion, Disney World, and I understand this may sound a touch aggressive to some, but here it goes. If you truly want to make this the happiest experience of my life, serve me liquor for under $8 a cup and put mild date rape drugs in your kiddie sundaes so my kids quit screaming over how I traumatized them on the Pirates of the Carribean...which in hind sight was a bad decision, I know, but I wanted to see the robot version of Johnny Depp.

4. My in laws bought a big 'ole fabulous house in Florida...unfortunately, it's in a massive ant farm like senior community, so it really had it's good and bad points.

Upside: Eating dinner at 4:30pm!
Downside: There is always a huge ass line for the restroom, and these oldies are waaaay stinkier than me.
Upside: You get to drive around in a golf cart.
Downside: Sweet Jesus, I am going to puke if I have to ride in the back of this golf cart sucking down gas fumes for one more second.
Upside: Everyone thinks your kids are the cutest things ever.
Downside: You are awoken every morning to the sounds of ambulance sirens.
Upside: Hello, free luxury home in Florida a mere hour from Disney.
Downside: Leathery old man knobby knees are surprisingly creepy...and why are their shorts so short?

But...I am glad we did it, and the kids had fun when they weren't crying, fighting or projectile vomiting seafood on me.

That's what being a parent is all about, ya know. Going through hell so your kids have pictures like this to look back on, reminding them just how awesome you used to be, totally giving you a free pass to suck ass through out their teenage years.


Kinda warms the heart a bit, doesn't it?

Still waiting for my book deal.

60 comments:

Average Girl In Average World said...

aaww...!!!!Look at the Family!!

You guys have to keep having them babies, they are too cute!

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

All in all a ball, eh?

Beautiful picture!

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

All in all a ball, eh?

Beautiful picture!

PalagiGirl said...

I too am a disneyworld survivor. I can so relate.

Your hair looks FABULOUS! I love it.

Threeboys1mommy said...

Sweet Lord I missed me some Britt!

Congrats on the public stall poop! One day I'll be man enough to try it, until then I'll stand on the sidelines cheering for the public poopers, with my nose plugged.

Welcome back.

Judy@nofearentertaining said...

Glad you survived. I truly know exactly how it was. I hate Disney. We took the girls there 2 years ago. I hope were good for life!!! Now the drive...we do it quite often (about once a year). The only way we can do it anymore is in hubbies lux. SUV with individual DVD players and headsets. Makes life really, really good.

I have been in every rest area between South Florida and Canada. I feel your pain!

The Mom said...

Look at those huge....EYES you have there beauty!! ;) Sweet pic and such a great summation of your trip! DisneyLAND is only a mere 7 hours that we may be venturing after Christmas....i'm scared shitless!

Sarah said...

The date rape drug....its a good idea. Or some sort of tranquilizer would suffice.

miko564 said...

The flip-side of the coin...my brother and I were the only children in our town who graduated High School without having been to Disneyworld.
I'm not saying it scarred me, but I have completely lost the ability to empathize with others or feel any emotion besides rage.
My brother, oh my poor brother, has spent the majority of his life in mental institutions. He curls into the fetal position and screams that he sees large mice and heavy-smoking ducks everywhere. He didn't mean to kill that midget (sorry, little person), but he is still sure he saw his nose growing as he spoke.
A little urine on the foot seems a small price to pay, for a lifetime of mental health for your children.

Jo-Jo said...

Glad you had so much fun! LOL! I do have to say though...you look great in that pic!

kel said...

Just so you're informed, Disneyland is an equally intense adventure. You know, just in case you're thinking of making the drive out this way.

Tasha said...

Heart warming! Love the brown hair, btw.

Swirl Girl said...

Glad to see you survived the in-laws and Disney!

And you look wonderful in the picture! Glad you are still a brunette and didn't go old lady 'orange' on us.

Cheryl said...

lOL, worth waiting for. Cute photo of the family, glad you had fun ;)

Annie said...

Digging the hair! We're headed to Disney this year.......I think. Maybe I'll rethink that one!

AJ said...

Poop is much more fun when it comes out.

Love the hair!

Ummm, so does all of Florida look like that, b/c I swear that I have a pic of me and Hubs in front of the same place, and we were in the keys. I'm convinced it all looks the same:)

Ann Onymous said...

Posts like this really make me look forward to my own two day car trip from Houston, TX to Steamboat Spgs, Colorado next month. Good times.

Allison said...

All I really have to say is: I missed you! Oh, and this kid thing sounds SUPER fun! I NEED you to write a book so I know what kinds of things to prepare for trips (date rape drugs) and everyday life!!

alanna rose said...

#2. I'm with you. It's one of the skills I picked up while pregnant. Also, appropriately numbered :)

Go Brunettes!

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

"Poop is way more fun when it comes out on purpose in a place that is not your pants."

I totally agree! Man, it's like we were separated at birth! LOL.

By the way, that picture of you is GORGEOUS! (makes sexy purring sound) Love the dark hair!

Goldfish said...

Our kids think we're the meanest parents in the world for not having taken them to Disney anything yet. I'm sure we'll give in someday....

Jenni Jiggety said...

Well that is a great picture..and I love your hair color!

Sorry you peed on your flip flops...

Jane said...

OMG! OMG ! I am a relatively new follower of your blog and I almost peed myself reading your two posts about vacationing with little ones. I especially liked the peeing on the flip flops and the intricacies of pooping in public restrooms!! It really struck a chord (minor) with me and my memories of travelling with four, yes, four kids. Mine are all grown now, and don't worry: you still have plenty of time to permanently scar your kids as my kids swear I did to them.

Kirsten said...

LOL! We did the same trip to Disneyland a few months ago. I'm so glad it's over! :)

April said...

"Poop is way more fun when it comes out on purpose in a place that is not your pants."

You. Are. A. Genius.

and, btw, the fact that you have a "pro" column at all is the testament to a successful vacation with children. or inlaws. or in your case, both.

Oregon Elkhorns said...

That is too funny.. sounds like a Kalonipin week to me. We just did a Maui for 10 days and even though I had th ebeach as a babysitter Oh my the drama of kids. 5 hr flights from Maui to Portland with a tired 5 and 8 yr old is a real treat. ( go play in the lav would ya. ) Thanks for sharing, love to read your rants / blogs.

Tony--- Jay from halftime lessons turned me on to your awesome site. My wife loves it as well.

J.Danger said...

The picture makes it all worth it. We are making a similar trip next month, also to Florida. Flying to the NIck Hotel. Then driving to the great aunts for Thanksgiving. Equally rough.

Emiline said...

I really hope they didn't vomit seafood on you.
I can't think of a grosser smell than seafood vomit.

I wish my parents had taken me to Disney World when I was a kid.
Welcome back! Cute picture!

frogpondsrock said...

I would have liked to see the robot version of Johnny Depp as well.. *sigh*

cheers Kim

Jay @halftime lessons said...

Thats a priceless look on your face, kid. We know too well everything that is going on in that mind...that face looks like it is barely holding back the flood.

;-)

Becky said...

Awww, I wish I could have been there.

:-)

Great picture at the end. Love the darker color...

texasholly said...

You guys are rock star parents to do all this for your kids...and the pee on the flip flops? Just more sacrifice....

Love Bites said...

You've been reviewed. DO. NOT. CRY. You did ask for it, after all.

Love Bites

Brooke said...

Okay I have to know. How was the likeness on the robotic Johnny Depp?

Welcome back, I love your brown hair!

Miss Yvonne said...

Next time do what we did. Send the kids to Granny & Grandad's house for two weeks...they can take the kiddos to DisneyWorld and you can poop in your own bathroom and have loud, dirty spanking sex. In. The. Middle. Of. The. Afternoon.

Trisha said...

Hey, girl! I just found you courtesy of Ask and Ye Shall Receive. What an awesome review!
You totally deserved it!!
I am adding you to my blogroll!!!

LuckyMe said...

You had to do it. Ya had to get me started on Disney. We have a NO DISNEYWORLD policy in this house.

Disney World is like childbirth. People forget the pain of paying a gagillion dollars to STAND IN LINE all day. All they remember are the pretty flowers and amazing rides. Hmmm... maybe there ARE date rape drugs in the Mickey juice.

Then the kids get burnt out and the parents get burnt out but you sure as hell aren't leaving yet because you only have X hours/days left and you drove all this way and you paid all this money.

JUST SAY NO.

Now if my family owned a home there...

Welcome back!! Love the hair color but I'm biased.

Renée aka Mekhismom said...

Love the family photo. And sorry abou the pee and the poop. But "better out than in!"

Maggie May said...

i hear ya. that ride traumatized my Lola too. but so much fun! and i agree with the liquor. what's up with those prices?

Dejoni said...

You are a brave one taking two toddlers to Disney while pregnant...and staying with the in-laws. I raise my glass to you, my hero.
I'm not taking my kids to Disney until they have communal Valium salt licks on every corner.

Tuesday Girl said...

I wonder if your inlaws bought a house where my inlaws did, right by Orland?
the Villages perhaps?
If so we can meetup on long boring in law trips and race the golf carts!

ali said...

Is that a ribbon in your hair? You know, like Minnie Mouse! Very cute!

Jennifer said...

Beautiful family portrait!! Glad you're back safe and sound.

Oh, and after seeing that pic, I have a girl vibe for you.

DCD said...

Awesome picture.

I am alternately totally psyched and totally horrified thinking about our eventual Disney trip. Reading this post added to both sides of that coin!

So happy you are back!

Marie said...

You are one brave woman. Not only do you go THAT far in a car to take your kids all the way to Disney World (dang!) but you can poop in public restrooms. Honest to God I wish I could do that. You have to tell me your secret.

Sidenote: That picture is so cute!

Tenakim said...

I feel ya! I've got the same bullshit stories from our trip- ain't it grand? Is that you? You look very different than your profile- both gorgeous, though

EmmaK said...

hilarious! That line: Disneyworld is for masochists.

It made me wonder if there really was a market for such an adult theme park, with all the people queuing wearing gimp masks and pvc corsets etc!

fingers crossed for the book deal

Christy said...

Ah, the joys of the family vacation. Fun times, eh? I live in Ohio too & when we go down to FL to see the grandparents, it. fucking. sucks. ass. (The driving mostly...and the grandparents. But aside from that, it's fun.)

Aubrey said...

Oh! I am in awe of you. I could never have done what you did.

No...not the road trip from Ohio to FL with 2 little ones. Not the time with the in-laws.

The pooping in public restrooms. You're my hero. Maybe someday I can do it too!

How to Party with an Infant said...

Awesome. I love the free pass.

Anissa Mayhew said...

I HATE you for not specifying that you would be in FL....good lord we were practically at your doorstep this weekend and could have dragged you out for some non-in-law fun! Plus, it's always good to have one knocked up friend to be designated driver...think of all the saved cab fare.

sassy2 said...

Amazingly we just did the trip from Florida to Ohio. We drove straight 14 hours with twin 7 year olds. I can understand the insanity of it all. Turned around and did it again from OH to FL three days later. I think I felt every bump in the road and a semi truck that seemed to stalk us in the hills of TN. We pass, he pass, etc.

Carolyn...Online said...

Ahhh if only the wee ones would remember the trip.

Tiffiney said...

Glad you all had fun despite the downsides...love the picture!! Funny post as usual, you are always one of my favs to read :)

LiteralDan said...

Lady, don't blame the mountains, blame the baby inside you for jerking around at the last second to make you pee on yourself.

You need to get a head start on the guilt.

As a side note, the newest kid officially has been to Disney World, no matter how much it whines years from now about the hazy vagina-eye view.

As for the rest of the post, you plucked the thoughts right out of my head and left me with little to say but that you are awesome.

schwartz said...

That picture of the *5* of you is too cute!

The Offended Blogger said...

Great pic! Who's the hot chick?? :p

Duck said...

My grandmother lived in one of those retirement communities.

My favorite was how the serving portions of the 4:30om meals resembled a toddler's happy meal.

Ooo, three whole carrots! Yes!

Brittany said...

"pooping is way more fun when it comes out on purpose in a place that is not your pants"

Truer words could not be spoken...That was high-larious.

jill jill bo bill said...

Too beautiful!!! And I loved your desciptions of the retirement community!!! Perfect!!