Thursday, November 20, 2008

A bit of a rambler at 3am.

A road in the middle of nowhere.

3:30am.

Officer: License and registration ma'am.
Me: Ma'am? (Ok, apparently I look like an old ma'am when I wear my glasses, no bra and dirty sweatpants) Here.
Officer: Have you been drinking this evening?
Me: Um...I'm pregnant.
Officer: ...
Me: So........no.
Officer: Coming from a party?
Me: (looks in the backseat at my two screaming kid in pajamas) Um.......no.
Officer: So, what brings you out this hour of the morning?
Me: Well, I am on my way to pick my husband back up from the ER, he was having severe jaw pain and his tooth's nerve was exposed, and even though I literally told him to call his dentist all day today, he didn't. And then all of a sudden, at 12am, he decides he needs to go ASAP, and can't go alone, so I get my dad to come over to watch the boys and I take him in. And, even though there are only, like two people and a cow ahead of us, they still said it would be 2 to 3 hours, so I was all, Dude, my dad can't stay that long, I'll go back home and call me when you are ready to be picked up. But, he was all, I have never been in the ER before, I am super scared, I'm a little girl, whine, whine. But, then he started to get pissed at me when I wouldn't stop fake shocking him with the paddles, so I left anyways, mostly so I could go through Arbys for a milkshake before they closed. So I got home to the kids, and I totally fell asleep on the couch with them watching the Colbert Report, until my phone rang at 2:30ish, and I saw it was him, but he didn't say anything, so then I thought, oh, his phone must not come in, and he must be trying to reach me to come pick him up. So, to be sure, I tried to call him back, but it went straight to voice mail, and then I kinda freaked out that maybe the Dr. had to shut off his phone because they were wheeling my husband into some sort of emergency surgery after he suddenly coded on the table, and that the tooth pain was really a guise for some sort of life threatening blood clot that burst, and they were trying to reach next of kin. So, I grabbed the kids quick and got them in the car, and I was sobbing because I wanted to make it there in time, and make sure they tried to save him and everything, ya know. And, I totally wasn't speeding btw, but then he called me back, and was all, You have to come get me, they gave me a pain shot in my butt, and I feel all woozy, I like monkeys. So, then I got kinda pissed that everyone lied to me by being all silent on the phone, making me think he was dying while surgeons stood over his lifeless body hand pumping his heart. But, I mean, I am still gonna pick him up, ya know, so...why am I even pulled over right now?
Officer: Your right taillight is out.
Me: Ok?
Officer: But, I mean, you should, um, go, do what you where, um, doing. Just, you know, get it taken care of.
Me: Oh, for sure. Hey, couldn't you, like, escort me to the hospital or something?
Officer: Yeah, we don't really do that sort of thing for non emergencies...or you know...ever.
Me: That sucks.
Officer: Yeah.
Me: Well, I'm out, so...
Officer: Oh, sure thing, be safe.
Me: Word.

55 comments:

Ali said...

So...were you coming from a party? It sure sounds like a party to me!

Brooke said...

I like monkeys too.

Hope your husband's tooth is healing. And you took a long freakin nap.

Aria said...

How dare they totally freak you out with the silent call thing! I hate that! I get the same freak-out whenever someone calls when I'm in the shower and they don't leave a message... (A writer's imagination is SOOOO fun to have sometimes isn't it?)

Hope you got your Arby's milkshake at least! And for my own personal knowledge, did your hubby always like monkeys, or was it just the shot? I mean they should list that in the side effects...not that it would stop me from getting Dr-Shot-Up with something that great!

Marie said...

Hahahaha! You just make my work mornings A LOT more bearable. Too funny.

I bet the officer felt stupid.

DCD said...

You have the best side of the road stories, EVER!

You know that cop went back and told everyone about the crazy pregnant woman he pulled over.

Kristina P. said...

I am totally using the pregnant excuse next time.

Threeboys1mommy said...

Yeah I only trust my dad for an hour, no more no less.

edit-
jaw pin?
I have never been int he ER

J.Danger said...

he better let you sleep! (you could always use the line) Pregnant women need their sleep! (and non whiney babies!)

Aubrey said...

Lord I was born a 3am Ramblin (Wo)Man! That's a song, right?

The Mom said...

Saw you tweet last night late...i wuz worried!! Glad you didn't thrown in the slammer without a bra! ;P

kel said...

How do these things always happen to you?

MamaNeena said...

I was up at 3:00 am with diarrhea. Not nearly as much of a party...

Jo-Jo said...

Now I understand...Women are so much more macho then men.

Tuesday Girl said...

I am going to call my dentist right away!

Judy@nofearentertaining said...

I am dying laughing right now. My dogs think I'm crazy (in a good way!). That poor cop will probably never, ever pull over a woman at 3:30 in the morning ever again!

Temple said...

lmao...you do realize your car/tag number is now posted on the local PD's "do not pull over or otherwise engage" list...

And I think driving to the ER at 3am with two kids in the backseat is a total emergency worthy of a police escort...Hell, they escort high school football teams and even the BAND these days...

Carolyn...Online said...

Greatest run-on paragraph since... your last run-on praagraph.

Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

OMGosh that is sooooo Funny well I am sure at 3am it was not funny.

You have to come get me, they gave me a pain shot in my butt, and I feel all woozy, I like monkeys.
Men are such big babies!

The silent phone thing would have had me thinking along the same lines, I totally over analyze like that.

April said...

yeh, you probably should've told him to go to the dentist. ;-)

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

I bet that police officer wishes he would have just told you why he pulled you over to begin with.

btw Monkeys rock.

Swirl Girl said...

that was Yellow Cab is for...

...drunks and late night ER runs.

Average Girl In Average World said...

I just spit half my sandwich onto the computer screen from that magical longest ever run on sentence.

ROLFMAO..

Tony said...

Very funny, other than the tooth pain. I Hope he feels better soon. get some rest.

Cheryl said...

LOL< I wish I would of been a birdie on the window for that one!

Allison said...

I had a feeling when I saw your tweet that there was some kind of cop involved. Glad everyone is OK.

Ellen said...

Wow between this one and your husband getting pulled over in the middle of the night... Clearly you have too many police officers in your community... or not enough crime. One of those must be a good thing.

Lamb said...

how the hell did you stay up more than 2 min between the hours of 10 and 6? that amazes me

Philly said...

I would of never thought to run to the ER for tooth or jaw pain. Who knew?
My hub went to the ER for a pulled muscle. Thank God I didn't take him, I would of been mortified!!

#1

Anonymous said...

OMG, too funny! Did you have to carry two kids AND your husband inside the house after all of that?!?

Laura said...

Thank the Lord that the "man" at work allows me access to Google Reader (he won't let me read blogs). I was laughing my ass off! Thanks!

LiteralDan said...

So in other words, you were headed TO a party.

You've got some cool police officers out there, yo.

Rachel said...

That is freaking hysterical.

It kills me that i have to see Chipotle ^^ up there because I can't get any because the nearest one is 3 hours away and it makes me sad and hungry and....

oops. rambling away on a rambling post.

Tenakim said...

That's exactly how I would have rambled and then I would have been thrown in jail for being a smart ass (and forgetting to mention that my husband is a policeman- I always forget to use that- he gets soooo mad when I come home with tickets)

Tiffiney said...

wow maybe I should have used something like that when I got pulled for speeding..maybe I would not be going to traffic school this sat..with all the losers..lol...

Dejoni said...

We know you got pulled over...out partying and drinking with the kiddo's in the back.
It must be the big hooters...cause I always get a citation.

Jennifer said...

I'm going to remember to use that story the next time I get pulled over!

Leslie said...

I think the no-bra, sweats, and kids in the back seat were a cover for the party you just left!!! haha. That story is hilarious!!

Brittany said...

Hubby owes you one. Like maybe a romantic dinner and cunnilingus.

Lee the MWOB Queen said...

Friggin' great Friday story. I'm laughing and it's only 8 AM.

Things we have in common right now:
Husbands with jaw pain (but mine is having raging headaches attached - dentist thinks it might be TMJ - have NEVER heard of that before now)
Colbert Report - can't live without that guy.

jason said...

Loved it. Man that makes for a long night. Hope everyone is well after all that.

Jenni Jiggety said...

But how was the milkshake?

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

What a loser. He could have totally put on his lights and escorted you to the hospital, he's just all caught up in stupid "rules" and "protocol."

Total injustice.

How's his exploded tooth by the way?

zandor said...

Ha. That was kind of great.

Emily said...

Oh man, what a mess.

Hilarious, though.

Momisodes said...

I'm sorry, but I am SO stealing this story if I get pulled over.

Along with the idea for an Arby's drive thru shake.

Oh, and I hope your hubby is alright.

Amanda said...

Having a Preggy Card works for just about ANYTHING. awesome! I am going to use to go eat more ice cream, because I am hot!

Renée aka Mekhismom said...

This story is simply unbelievable! I hope that hubby is feeling better and I am sure that police office is still reeling from the conversation.

Jenners said...

I'm playing the game from Mission Monday but you are going on my blogroll STAT. You are freakin' hilarious! Loved this post...totally made me laugh out loud so I suspect there are more goodies waiting for me in your archives! I'll be back!

Brenda Jean said...

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Oh man, I am laughing so hard I can't stand it. Word. BAHAHAhAhAHA This would SO be me if I got pulled over-- I'd be weeping like a baby though and turning around to the kids "Shhhhhh...come on, I'm trying to talk here.". I really needed some humor today. My daughter has been puking since yesterday at dinner time, and no it wasn't my cooking...

L said...

There are no words to describe how funny that actually was..

Kristy said...

It seems like the late night ramblings suit you well! This was hysterical!

Jo-Jo said...

Yeah! My fave blog is featured today! Go you!

The Rambler said...

OMG...I'm rolling on the ground right now...not you now "rolling" cause I don't know how in the hell to do that BUT literally ROLLING around like a 2 year old laughing.

GREAT post! Have to remember that ever if stopped.

THE FRYOR CLAN said...

seriously...made me pee my pants i laughed so hard. thanks! you may just get me back into blogging yhet.

jordan said...

i love you. and your blog. I want you to narrative my life