Monday, November 17, 2008

Holy Mother!

Ok, first things first.

I got a flu shot today. First one ever.

See.


Totally hurts.

Have no mobility in my arm. Plus, they put a bandaid on it, which seems silly to me. Now I have to relive the pain when I pull the little bastard off. Not that I am hairy or anything, but come on, a bandaid seems a little overkill. What I really need a is a sling for my arm, 'cause, ya know, it really fucking hurts.

Plus, I went to Chipotle afterward.

I got there at 10:45am.

They open at 11am.

I sat outside like I was waiting to meet the Jonas Brothers.

I am pretty sure they were making fun of me. More so because I was curled up outside the glass door drooling, and less because I was cradling my left arm and singing Holla Back Girl (in rounds) to keep warm.

Either way, I got my burrito, no beans, extra rice. Ate it before I got home. Been in the bathroom ever since.

Actually, that's not true. I have been off the pot long enough for something even more embarrassing to happen than rushing the doors at Chipotle.

Now, this may come as a shock to some, but...I'm a Catholic...a semi-practicing one, born into the arms of a guilt inducing Irish mother and grandmother, and for that reason, I sometimes find myself doing favors for Jesus in the hopes of leveling out my Heaven/Hell score card. Not the kind of favors I specialize on a daily basis around the barefoot house (sorry sweetie, I told you, my arm hurts too bad today), but favors none the less.

I am currently elbow deep in a computer project for church that requires such tasks as, meeting people in public places, talking without gum in my mouth, wearing pants, and occasionally having people over to my home to monitor my progress.

Today was such a day.

Today the lovely woman heading our committee was to stop by to see the almost finish product of a lot of months of hard work.

And she came, right on time...with the priest.

Honestly, I have never had a priest in my house before. My husband dressed as a priest once for Halloween a few years ago to go with my hooker costume, but other than that, not a whole lot of holy up in here.

Plus, I didn't really priest clean my house, I random acquaintance cleaned it. Big difference, the most important being the lack of sage cleansing and dildo burning.

Either way, he was here, in my house, wearing his priest thingy, throwing holy water everywhere.

The youngest was asleep on the couch, the oldest was busy watching Noggin.

We all gathered in front of the computer screen, I had to work quickly to open the projects, distracting him from the folders of poorly lit, racy self portraits I clearly need to erase from our documents folder, but didn't, because when the fuck does a priest come over to look at computer files on your 52 inch fucking computer monitor, fuckingkillmenow.

Thirty minutes later, they saw what they needed, loved it, blessed me, got up to leave.

As I walked them out, we came upon my oldest son, who had stripped himself naked, and was now squatting in our entry way, holding with his pee pee like a hose and peeing all over the wood floor.

My fetus could have dropped from my vagina right there, and I would have been less shocked.

I screamed Jesus Christ.

They didn't know what to be more horrified about.

And then they left, with pee covered shoes.

I just threw a towel on it and watched the rest of the Real Housewives of Atlanta marathon.

Did I mention my arm is really, really sore?

77 comments:

DCD said...

BWAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!

Seriously - I needed that exact story like you have no idea. It has been the shittiest day at work and I absolutely needed that belly laugh!

My house will never in a million years be priest clean. But I might be able to keep my son from peeing on him IF I ever was to entertain a priest! (oh, "entertain a priest" sounds kind of naughty.)

Not Just Any Jen said...

Only you would have a priest visit. And what is with you and Chipotle? You should so know better by now, sweetie.
Jen

Jenni Jiggety said...

I blogged about an interesting priest encounter this weekend too! But thankfully it did not take place right here in my home...and there was no urine involved...although I did nearly pee my pants.

Sorry about the flu shot!

AJ said...

Did the priest bless him on the way out?

blueeyedtawni said...

OMFG!!! :D hahah you have made my day.. priest indeed well i guess your boy was showing him how you purge the demons out of the house ;)

Cathy said...

THAT was hilarious!

and, really, it all depends on how cool your priest is. Mine would have thought it was funny, too...

kwr221 said...

oh I love it, priest clean vs random aquaintance clean.

My house is usually, I-can't-open-the-door-any further,-what-do-you-want?-NOT clean.

But anyway, how old is the pee-ing son?

Too funny. I think they should give out shots for flu shots, not bandaids

April said...

flu shots suck, but not nearly as bad as the flu. sorry about the priest thing. at least it made a good story :-)

Allison said...

are those your real boobs?

Jo-Jo said...

Oh my GOD! You never fail to CRACK me UP! I can just imagine...Oh my.

Tony said...

You always make me laugh. Thanks for that.

Jonathan said...

I wont make you relive the horror by sharing kids pee stories, but I will say i love it when I find you have written a new post. Keep em coming!

Carolyn...Online said...

First of all, the boobs look fab in the flu shot picture. Second, so like four Hail Mary's for taking the Lord's name in vain. And third, The Real Housewives of Atlanta.... I live in Atlanta. Who are these people? Seriously. WHERE did the come from cus they have never been at my soccer field.

Diane said...

Like I said. You make me laugh. Out loud. LOUD. Every stinkin' time.

Keely said...

That is EXACTLY why I'm a heathen atheist. No priest stress.

And I'll throw in a vote for "nice boobs".

Swirl Girl said...

Crap - I didn't know there was a cleaning scale. Is Priest Clean the highest award? Where does Practicing Jew show up on the scale? And, is it a bell curve?

Finally, does this test count toward the final grade??

Cheryl said...

I just had Chipotle over the weekend, no poo issues tho! Your house sounds fun and real! I love it!

MamaNeena said...

Our minister came over once. My daughter popped him in the eye with a ball. We switched churches.

HappyHourSue said...

I'm with Allison- the hooters totally distracted me.

Also, I was laughing the entire time because I just got my flu shot and have been marveling at how easy and non-painful it was.

(I'm sure it's the pregnancy hormones- they attach themselves to your pain receptors, I 've heard.)

LuckyMe said...

OK. I was gonna comment on the Catholic thing in the fish taco/squirrel post because somehow that really caught me offguard. Hmm... wonder why.

My husband and I went to 16 years! of Catholic school and my kids are on their way, too. But I like to be devil's advocate in my house. For some reason I was explaining the priest scandal to my 13 year old today. He's a little too young to remember it. I told him the priesthood was a good way to go for some gay men who didn't want to explain why they weren't getting married... Net net, that is why they give the "safe touch" talk at your Catholic school every year, son.

I wouldn't be too worried about what father witnessed at your house. He's seen and heard a lot worse.

mominsanity said...

I had the worst reaction that I've ever had to this year's flu shot. I've gotten a flu shot every year for the past 5 years. I got one when I was pregnant last year and even then, it wasn't bad. My arm was sore, but whatever, I can deal with that. This year, not only was my arm sore, but it looked like it had been punched. There was a huge red welt on my arm and it was hot and swollen. Low and behold, I had an allergic reaction to it. Wierd huh?

Ellen said...

Maybe your son was confused about the whole "holy water" thing? And hey, be thankful it was on a wood floor.

The Mom said...

BOOBS! I love your pigtails. Boobs.

What did you say?!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

See what happens when you don't clean out the kids' litter box often enough? They pee on the priest's shoes.

Asianmommy said...

Oh no! I'm so sorry--what bad timing. & yes, the flu shot hurts!!

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

Dude...now my breastmilk sniper story seems lame. You can't top your son peeing on a priest shoes while you shout Jesus Christ.

Brittany said...

DOOOOOD! These are totally my real boobs! And, I guess I didn't realize they were even in view....hmmm...THIS is what getting knocked up does to your body ladies!

Jay @halftime lessons said...

I love it when Jen points out your boobs so the guy doesnt have to, and then end up looking like the sick fuck online pig that pointed out boobs. Sick pig Jen. Naughty Jen.

It's like having a Mommy run block for you...PERFECTION.

J

PS-sorry about your arm. That sux, Momma.

Brittany said...

Ok, now every time someone comments on my boobs, I have to reopen this post to double check my nipples aren't showing. I totally didn't think this was a boob shot, but hey, I could have cleavage in a turtleneck at this point.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Yes, I have to admit that I noticed the boobs. And yes, they are looking good in all their pregnancy glory!

Sorry to hear about the flu shot and the toddler urinating on the priest, but at least you know the week can't get much worse, right?

Right?

ali said...

Boobs and Chipotle. 2 things I do not have here in Arkansas. I did get a flu shot though.

Sarah Bellum said...

I'm converting.

Tena said...

now just imagine how your day would have gone if you got that shot in your ass?!?!
Better? Worse?

Another great post

Lee the MWOB Queen said...

Haven't been checking in with you barefoot wonder for too long but another classic post! I am also Catholic or semi-Catholic depending on your definition and actually have my oldest in 1st grade at a Catholic school and your story confirms my fear of getting too involved at school and having my own "first time priest visit."

I'm most comfortable with a priest when he's behind that little confessional screeny thing which doesn't happen anymore so....

Lee the MWOB Queen said...

Haven't been checking in with you barefoot wonder for too long but another classic post! I am also Catholic or semi-Catholic depending on your definition and actually have my oldest in 1st grade at a Catholic school and your story confirms my fear of getting too involved at school and having my own "first time priest visit."

I'm most comfortable with a priest when he's behind that little confessional screeny thing which doesn't happen anymore so....

Shelly... said...

Sooo...what are you going to say to the priest next time you see him? Kids are awesome!

Stephie said...

The flu shot is the devil, straight from hell. I couldn't move my arm for a week and of course it woke me up every night when I rolled over, bastards.
I'm sure your little one was just doing a little "blessing" of his own, can a Priest really argue with that?

Jennifer said...

ROFL!!!

My prom date dressed as a priest--that's as close as I've come to having a priest at my house!

Gettysburg Mom said...

Guess I'm not a boob girl because I totally didn't notice..

You do remember the whole childbirth thing will hurt a hell of a lot more than the flu shot, right?

Regardez Moi said...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

That's all, just: AHAHAHAAHAHAHHA

Lizzie Bennett said...

Okay, so when I was living in Portland (oh, the sweet days of old) and there was a Chipotle within a 1 mile radius wherever I went, we always had Chipotle Friday. All week I would build up for Chipotle Friday, resulting in me drooling on my keyboard around 10:00am. We were there at 10:45 am EVERY SINGLE FRIDAY until they started to get to know us and let us in early. Then we started coming at 10:30am. When the barbacoa is calling, you answer the call.

PS. I had no idea you could get a flu shot while you were pregnant. My old psychic boss told me flu shots are how the government spread the avian flu so now I refuse. I've been sick three times so far this year...

Marie said...

SO glad I didn't get the flu shot! Didn't know it hurt!

Your kid is priceless. Pure awesome. :)

Momisodes said...

Oh man, I totally thought you were going to say that the priest saw your blog open on your 52 inch monitor.

Temple said...

Heeheeeheeeheeehee!!! I so needed that laugh today! But don't sweat it...when in a time of doubt, just ask yourself, "What would NeNe do?" :)

Aria said...

Aren't kids wonderful? OK, maybe not, but God did make em cute in self defense...

Aria said...

BTW, the pic is priceless, hope your arm feels better, cause that sux. And if my house ever, Ever, EVER gets to priest clean, I'll drop dead right then and there cause it will be a feat I'm sure to never repeat. And hey, so what if they got a little pee on their shoes, they're just lucky you didn't catch a wave and not make it back to the bathroom on them... Hey it could be worse, someone in your family could've brought a camera to a funeral (yeah true story, see my blog for the gory details and an actual pic!) See, now doesn't that make you feel better? :-D

Dejoni said...

Isn't pee holy water?
I am holier than thou...thus I only tinkle holy water.
See...you can rationalize anything.
Say 3 hail mary's and all is forgotten.

lamb said...

i dont know if im more jealous of your hair or your cleavage.

thanks to baby t, im just now filling an A cup. fuck.

Trisha said...

I felt sorry for myself because I had no shoes until I met a priest with piss all over his. Heeheehee

Casey said...

I also just peed on the floor. You crack me up and i love it. Cheers! I can not wait for the BARE FOOT FOODIE Movie! : )

THE ORDINARY HOUSEWIFE said...

OMG! I just found your blog and I LOVE IT!!! You're freakin hilarious! :)

Sheri/Cookingmom said...

I don't know if you do this sort of thing, but I have an award for you on my journal. I've been reading you for a while now, and I love your writing! This story has got to be my favorite so far.

http://cookingmom.livejournal.com/33393.html

Philly said...

My hurt killed me for a few days afterward too !! What's up with that? Not like it was a tetnus shot or anything.

#1

Dejoni said...

I reread this post 'cause it's absolutely hilarious and I'm at work and bored out of my mind.
P.S. I didn't know Pippylongstockings had such big knockers.
BWAHAHAHAHA!

Brooke said...

At least your bandaid was cool. I got a cotton ball and a piece of tape. Cheap bastards.

Threeboys1mommy said...

Heck yeah they hurt mama! Let me add that I have had a crush on EVERY fat,bald, sweaty, gay priest I have ever had in my life, and I would be all about sharing my private pictures on the 52' HOLLA!

Now I'm going back to check out these boobies every one is talking about.

Threeboys1mommy said...

What EV! Totally not a boob shot.

How to Party with an Infant said...

Did the priest bless the boobs?

You are too damn funny. You should be on some kind of real housewife show.

Jennifer said...

Exactly why I WILL NOT get my flu shot--lol.

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

Thank the Lord Jesus doesn't keep score--I'd be sooo screwed, your incident would have been an improvement on my entire life ;)

Hope that arm feels better--you're still a cute little preggo :)

Aubrey said...

JESUS CHRIST....I'm sorry your arm hurts.

Brittany said...

There are far too many fucked up things in this post for me too comment on, so I'll just say that your tits look amazing.

Leah said...

this is the best post EVAH!

Tiffiney said...

LOLOLOL...I have three boys...I know all about the hose and peeing everywhere...oh gosh..that is just way to funny....I honestly don't think my house would ever be clean enough for a priest to visit..haha... :)

Love the pic..cute bandaid... ;)

mbmb said...

Bow Down to the Poster Reply Gods. You did so Great :-) I love reading your crazy blog, it's almost as fun as watching Judge Judy or Stephen Colbert. Oh how I need this blog with my morning coffee. I love it!!!

Jenners said...

I love you and I love your blog! When it your book deal coming through?

Elaine A. said...

Ok, so I follow you on twitter but had never been here before today (came via Mission Monday) and I have to say, where have I been? Your story is priceless.

See you again soon! : )

Joy said...

That is Freaking hillarios.

I jumped over from the Mission:Monday I like checking out the new features as I was a lucky winner/feature just a few weeks ago.

ChefDruck said...

Thank God for Mission Monday because it led me to your blog! I am sitting on my stool, laughing to hard to walk away from the computer. And I love that you do recipes among other posts too. Instantly hooked.

ChefDruck said...

Thank God for Mission Monday because it led me to your blog! I am sitting on my stool, laughing to hard to walk away from the computer. And I love that you do recipes among other posts too. Instantly hooked.

L said...

So once upon a time some jack ass (amazing doctor) invented a vaccine for HPV and decided all women who didn't have it under the age 27 should get this shot to avoid cervical cancer (damn that does sound like a good thing).. and since I fell into that category my doctors gave me this shot.. ok imagine the flu shot multiplied by a zillion and you got the HPV shot.. and then imagine that they wanted you to do that shot three separate times.. good times I tell ya good times.

Kristy said...

Holy Sh*t, I almost peed my pants reading this one...that was sooo funny!

Mommie Mayhem said...

LOL love it. Thank you for putting a smile on my face!! I really needed it today !!

Deb

Nadine said...

LOL!

Pulling of the band aid, not my favorite thing either.

Jennifer said...

First off - quite whining about the arm! I just got my flu shot today and my arm is NOT immobile from it! Plus, I ENJOY my sparkly band-aid. I think it adds class.
Secondly -- I cannot even IMAGINE what your confessional must be like. "What would you like to confess today, my child?" "Well, I said fuck on my blog, like, 20 times, and then I blogged about other subjects that I'm pretty sure Jesus wouldn't approve of..." How many Hail Mary's does all that take, anyway?

We Are Never Full said...

you're hilarious! just spent some minutes reading your blog. the last time i got a shot i passed out, landed on the floor of the ER (narsty) and opened my eyes as a few homeless people keeping warm, some drunks that just got their stomachs pumped and a woman who was screaming her head of the moment before as doctors tried to reset her leg were pointing and laughing at me. it was pretty awesome. oh, and did i mention the doctor was laughing at me too? i'm a total pu$$y i guess

SOUP OF THE DAY said...

Hi there. This is my first visit to your blog and I laughed out loud. For real. You're a funny girl. I gotta to bookmark you.