Sunday, November 9, 2008

Women's Intuition

You know those girls?

The ones you see when you are in line for a movie, or out to dinner, or at a birthday party of some college friend you barely talk to anymore. You can always hear them come in, super loud and giggly, and always ultra shiny and glossed up.

You know who they are. You've been introduced to them, oh, at least 500 times.

And yet...they only say hi to your husband.

Not you.

You could be naked, riding Osama Bin Laden bareback holding a burning crucifix and a two headed kitten, and she wouldn't even know you were there.

I mean, until your husband introduces you for the 501st time, and she finally makes eye contact with you, long enough for you to see into her whore soul, and then she gushes about, giving you a fake compliment on something trivial, and goes into some lame story about how she knows your husband, which always amounts to her dating one of his friends a million years ago, and there is always some funny incident at a bar that she never quite goes into detail about, but you totally know is the night she got drunk, pissed her pants, and then all the guys had to listen to the lovely pair having sex back at their dorm for an hour while she brayed like a donkey.

But she doesn't know you know that part.

So, you just smile, nodding your head, readjusting your huge sparkly wedding rings, rubbing your adorable baby belly, as she playfully swats at your husband for a few more minutes until she sees some fresh male genitalia walk through the door, and she jets off to greet it, leaving pink glitter in her wake.

So yeah, those girls.

Where is their self respect? Where is their sense of womanhood? And where the fuck is the top button to the shirt they always leave half open!?

I fucking hate those girls.

Not because they make me jealous or insecure, which , honestly, may have been the case, say 5 or so years ago, but now, I am too tired to be jealous. And as for my husband, I am working on popping out my third kid in a 3 year span, I obviously have no problems with my milkshake bringing the boys to the yard.

But those girls, Jesus Christ, those girls. I hate them because they are stupid, a complete embarrassment to women. And, I am not even a big 'ole feminist. Hell, I wish it were 1950, so I could pad around my house half drunk in a frilly apron, with 5 kids, a dog and some guy leaving milk on my doorstep every morning. But, in today's changing society, if the only thing you bring to the table is tying a cherry stem into a knot with your tongue, you need to reevaluate your shit.

Here is my advice, silly, silly girls. All men are fun one night at a bar. It's when the one night at a bar turns into 10 years of mortgage payments, job changes, in laws, babies...now that is something worth bragging about.

Besides, I can knot a cherry stem in 6 seconds flat, and you don't want to see what I can do with a banana.

Now excuse us, but we really must go, I am craving a vanilla milkshake from McDonalds, and I need some privacy so I can finally undo the rubber band keeping my pants on, and scratch all the new, itchy stretch marks on my belly.

60 comments:

Dejoni said...

"Bringing your milkshake to the yard..." BWAHAHAHHAHA!!!
This is the funniest shit I have read ALL year. True...but funny.
And now thanks to you, I have that song stuck in my head.
It was worth the laugh!!!

AJ said...

I agree: 5 years ago, I would have gotten drunk and threatened the girl and had to be dragged out by my Husband and whatever poor innocent bystander was silly enough to help him. Now, I'm so exhausted, it's like "okay, you want to take him for a night? Does that mean he's not going to proposition me 57 times tonight while I'm trying to get the kids to sleep? Okay, but I'm warning you, he's farty."

Amanda said...

OMG!!! This might be my new favorite post. Sooooo true, and hilarious. Can't get over it!

Keely said...

Hehhehe. Half drunk in a frilly apron. Nice.

Jo-Jo said...

Don't you just hate glitter? A week down the road your going to see pink glitter and think of that dam silly girl again, because that glitter shit never goes away!

DCD said...

Holy shit, you are funny. I also love the "bringing the milkshake" line.

I absolutely hate those girls too. Depending on my mood they can get me fired up or completely depressed. But you're right - knowing you can get through the rough times with your guy means a hell of a lot more then whatever slog she is pushing.

Cathy said...

I fucking hate those girls too.

But I love that song. Which is good cause it's stuck in my head now...

Swirl Girl said...

I didn't even think 'those girls' existed anymore. The sort of sheep in wolves clothing kinda girls.

-and I'd like to know what exactly you can do with a banana anyway.

kel said...

Fuck. I'm pretty sure I'm one of those girls. And my cherry skills? 5.7 seconds, so I totally win.

Annie said...

I loved this. My husbands ex girlfriend does this every single time!

Tony said...

Very Nice, I hate those punk chicks too. They never got any play with me, just a the - your a dumb ass chuckle. Keep rocking it.

April said...

i should really not read your posts at night. i ALWAYS laugh out loud and risk waking the babies :-/

good stuff :-)

Aubrey said...

When I read your first sentence, I thought I was in for a great story about your boobs. Damn!

Oh yes...I know THOSE girls. Bitches.

Allison said...

I love you.

LiteralDan said...

I hate those girls with most of my being, but don't hate them with another part of my being.

Still, I totally see where you're coming from. And I love the milkshake thing-- you rule!

jill jill bo bill said...

You are not alone in your hatred. LOVE that post!!!

Threeboys1mommy said...

Stupid girls! Oooh girl, you need to get on some Burts Bee's Mama Bee oil!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Jesus, there must be something you can do to make them feel bad. Like you don't remember meeting THEM for the 501st time EITHER. Or, "Oh, are you the one they call HEE-HAW?" Or, keep calling her Sheila, even though her real name is Ashley or whatever. Or, keep staring at her mouth, as if there is something stuck in her teeth. And if all that fails, just throw up on her.

Mr Lady said...

I totally want to see what you can do with a banana, and I don't care what that says about me. :)

lamb said...

All men are fun one night at a bar. It's when the one night at a bar turns into 10 years of mortgage payments, job changes, in laws, babies...now that is something worth bragging about.

^^HELL FUCKING YES!!!!!

Jozette said...

you are amazing. this is so f'ing true.

those girls are the worst. what i hate the most is that you are then automatically put on the defensive. it's because they're insecure... having a conversation with you wouldn't make them feel as good about themselves as having a conversation with your husband. they have daddy issues. pure and simple.

Carolyn...Online said...

Oh man... you make me laugh. Cheers to your itchy belly.

Marie said...

Oh ya, I know those girls. If you feel like it, next time just stick out your foot as she's walking by and "mistakenly" trip her.

What? It's not too cruel is it?

Beadiful Things said...

Amen. Just...amen. That's all.

Average Girl In Average World said...

passive aggrssive much??? nice!!!

My new fav. post!

Ellen said...

All I know, is if you're old enough to be in a bar you're too old to wear glitter.

ali said...

Here is my advice, silly, silly girls. All men are fun one night at a bar. It's when the one night at a bar turns into 10 years of mortgage payments, job changes, in laws, babies...now that is something worth bragging about.

Truer words have never been spoken.

Stacey said...

Lol, right on!!! And nice 6 seconds flat ; )

MamaNeena said...

I think I may have just pissed my pants from laughing so hard! Work it, girl!

Aria said...

I call those types of girls, "Barbies" because their heads are empty, save for the roots of their hair and their bodies are playthings for boys...

Real Men prefer Real Women, to silly little dolls. Women that they can talk to without getting an answer in a voice that lilts up at the end. Women they can trust their kids and the checkbook with at the mall because they know that all will come back in tact, not with a new hairdo, a mani-pedi and three small bags containing $3000 dollars worth of bullshit when the mortgage payment is due, not to mention being short a kid or two cause something shiny caught their eye and they were distracted for three hours being completely self-involved.

Ok, I'll stop there, before I tell you how I really feel...

Did I mention I hate Barbies?

Tiffiney said...

Laughing very hard....love the milkshake song tid bit....I hate those girls to! Great post....as always! :)

Rachel said...

bwahahahahahahahahahaaaaa

Amen girl. Thank you for the huge freaking laugh and the hell yes!!

Love the new pic of you!

Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

Oh yes, yes and yes so more on that part about men being fun for one night but making it fun after 10 years of mortgage payments, etc., etc.

That is the trick, isn't it?

The Mom said...

Love the Kelis shout out! Those girls suck don't they?!

Cheryl said...

LOL I have been married 24 years, I just think to myself "I have been doing keggles for much longer than you dear", ya cant beat that!

Gettysburg Mom said...

Ummmmmm.... am I NOT supposed to be drunk in a frilly apron? Damn.

Mark said...

Hilarious. I'm a newcomer to this blog but a big fan already.

I hate those girls too, and I'm the trapped husband being playfully swatted at. I hate them because I know I'm somehow in trouble, even though I've always hated those chicks, know their cherry-stem thing is bragadocious bullshit and that, besides, if my gf weren't standing right here they wouldn't so much as sashay their pink glitter in my general direction. Whores.

Rock on, Brittany.

How to Party said...

Those pink shedding sluts.

JennDZ - The Leftover Queen said...

You said it all girlfriend! Those girls are just sad and one day they will be old, wrinkly, and alone with cirrhosis of the liver from too many nights at the bar...

Anissa Mayhew said...

NAIL.ON.THE.HEAD!

Way to rock the security, my friend.

Jenni Jiggety said...

Scratch on, sistah!

Brooke said...

Oh my god. You totally just summed up about 87% of the girls I've met through my boyfriend, and why I hate them all. It's pretty sad there are so many of them out there.

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Anonymous said...

I really should read all the other comments, but I just can't seem to muster up the ambition.

Those women just love to rock your world & you can't ever let them into your inner circle. Basically, because they are worthless.

This is some advice from an older & wiser woman: Don't worry about it. As long as your guy is getting what he wants...he's not going anywhere!!

J.Danger said...

ohhh man I hate them too. Least we are still hot, in the nice long term way, you know they way when you dont have to apologize for what you look like in the a.m.? That way.

Momisodes said...

Dood. I hate them biatches, too.

And I SO wish we had a milkman.

Trisha said...

I so have fun with those "girls" nowdays. Real women, with stretch marks AND tongue skills, aren't threatened by them any longer, poor things.

Give 'em the once-over, up-and-down look, stifle a laugh and keep silent. Freaks 'em out every time.

Becky said...

You are too frickin' funny.

Aw,hell... this is YOUR blog I'm writing on.

YOU ARE FUCKING FUNNY girl.

Miss Yvonne said...

One of these bitches works with my husband. She came up to me at a party once and had the balls to actually say to me, "OOohhh, I could tell you some stories about your husband. I know what he's really like!" Lucky for her, my husband recognized the look on my face and got me away from her quick.

That happened over 5 years ago and I'm still pissed. I hate those girls.

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

"I wish it were 1950, so I could pad around my house half drunk in a frilly apron, with 5 kids, a dog and some guy leaving milk on my doorstep every morning"

Me too--except the 5 kids part :)

Lee the MWOB Queen said...

funny shit and oh so true. glad you seem to be able to keep it together while prego 'cause when those chickies batted their eyes at my hot hubby while I had a big belly...I just fell apart. LOVE your writing....

Tena said...

Classic!!!
I shoot the evil eyes to these girls all night when I come across them... step off bitches!

Duck said...

You should move to India. When we were there we had a boy bring a fresh package of milk to our door every morning.

Sure, he swears he's 16 and able to work, but he's really 8.

And then you feel guilty.

But not, because you get milk every morning without having to leave your jammies.

And I have no idea what this comment has to do with anything, other than name-dropping.

Stupid whores.

Alicia said...

you are HILARIOUS! i love reading your posts! thank you for the comic relief you bring to so many of us!

Blessings From Above said...

LMAO!!!

Gwen said...

I hate those girls. THOSE girls. Eh.

Mommie Mayhem said...

This is some funny shit right here !! Those girls suck @ss !!

Joy said...

Ok so you totally have me I must now read it all.

This is so exactly how I feel, those chics get on my last nerve.

L said...

Dirty pirate hookers I tell ya..

Sherri said...

"You could be naked, riding Osama Bin Laden bareback holding a burning crucifix and a two headed kitten, and she wouldn't even know you were there."

Oh, I so love this vision, especially, with chickie fixated on my man. Thanks for making me laugh so hard!