Monday, December 15, 2008

Batting 1000

You know when your kids totally do something new and shocking, like, oh, I don't know...let's say pull a dining room chair up to the kitchen counter and start playing with the knife block or dick around on the stove.

And you are all like, where in fucks sake did you learn that shit?

And they are all, "Gamma wets me do it."

And you get all pissed and think to yourself that grandma can suck it...only you don't think it, you totally say it. Like, out loud.

Then, you spend the next 2 hours before your husband gets home from work trying to get your boys to stop saying that gamma sucks it.

Even though she totally does.

And then your husband comes home, and you try to distract him from interacting with the kids by flashing him your boobs.

But, it turns out you don't even need to flash him because he is already too distracted by the all the cleaning you didn't do all day because you were too busy watching Law and Order SVU and eating your feelings because you feel like complete crap that you have spent 2 years mocking your super weird neighbors, and you awoke at 8am this morning to the sight of a limo in front of their home, and driver holding a banner that says, Make-A-Wish Welcomes *insert name of what I thought was a totally healthy looking tween neighbor who endlessly tries to scam me out of money by offering to do things around the yard because she realizes I am clearly a lazy fat ass* on her trip to Disney World. Seriously.

SERIOUSLY!?

I am a douche bag.

A sentiment clearly shared by Santa and Baby Jesus, becasue I totally haven't gotten as many Christmas cards this year as I have in the past.

So, it looks like I may need a new way to evalute my self worth.

On the plus side:
1. Gossip Girl was ridiculous good last week.
2. Thanks to some Blagojevich inspiration, I got myself some kick ass bangs.
3. My belly popped out, so now I don't just look chubby, but more like I have a Modonna-grade rock hard pot belly. Waaay better for setting plates of food on and itching in public.
4. One of my BFFs may totally be knocked up, and I am super excited, because like a Jehoviah's Witness, us breeders are always looking to recruit. Two more and I get a free plasma tv, a Snuggie and a year supply of Omaha Steak. Yummmmm.

39 comments:

alanna rose said...

Does Gamma really let them play with knives?! This is not the same woman who makes them drink Jell-o, is it?

abadeeba said...

yes, exactly... where are all the freakin' christmas cards this year?!... c'mon!!

Diane said...

And I thought my day was bad. But all I did was cough up an ovary. And a kidney. And part of my liver. The flu sucks. But your day sucked worse. Hope tomorrow's better!

kel said...

Getting knocked up is the secret to Madonna-like abs? Sign me the freak up.

SOUP OF THE DAY said...

Oh boy. Make-a-Wish? Gulp.

The Mom said...

I will NOT drink your KoolAid and you can't make me. I have my 3 darling angels, and I couldn't have another one, my mind will leave my body and run me over with a Radio Flyer wagon!

That makes no sense, so i'm going to bed.

Email me your addy and i'll send you a card! ;)

Lee the MWOB Queen said...

I feel totally unworthy to be the first person to post a comment. I like being way down there in the middle of like 79 comments 'cause I figure who really gets that far down - but from your comment manifesto above, it seems that you might.

I love it when you're all MIA for a few days and then you come back with a BANG! Batting 1000 all right - the Make A Wish deal has me laughing way more than I should. I'm laughing and feeling guilty and all curious as to what's wrong with that tween.

Congrats on the belly pop - I loved it when that happened.

Renée aka Mekhismom said...

I am sorry to hear about your neighbor. That is very sad. On a lighter note - free plasmas for knocked up friends? That may be just the incentive I need to get preggers again and recruit others.

On second thought, I retract that statement. A plasma will never make up for all the sleepness nights, sore boobs and general haze associated with newborns.

MamaNeena said...

Next time flash him your va-jayjay. It works on my husband.

Average Girl In Average World said...

Pregnancy is like a disease around here right now. There are 4 women I know who are knocked up. Trust me, if I could get prego right now, I'd be there too. But...I am fixed like a cat so that ain't happening. BOO :(

DCD said...

My kids Gamma lets them eat crap. And watch too much TV. However, they also take my kids, without fail, every Saturday because we work on weekends. So I can't really say she sucks.

Yay on the belly pop - I always liked that part!

CaJoh said...

Don't you realize that grandparents will always spoil your kids— it's their job.

I'd send a Christmas card, but my wife determines who to send to— but at least we are trying to send them this year.

Comedy Goddess said...

We live with gamma and gampa. They let my 7.5 yr old do just about anything. Sigh.

Cheryl said...

LOL, great kids! I am trying to teach my in-laws bird to say fuck off, they are not amused.

Ali said...

I've gotten 2 Christmas cards. TWO! Of course, it might help if I sent out some cards myself.

Threeboys1mommy said...

Hand to God, you are the FIRST person I thought of when I saw that Snuggie ad... I see no reason why that shouldn't be our planets new uniform.

Jenners said...

Oh this was just classic!

The Make A Wish thing sounds like something I would do.
Nowadays, cleaning gets more notice than boobs in my house too.
Yay for the pop!

Allison said...

I need to see pics of the bangs.

I am pretty sure that my sisters say, "Auntie Alli sucks it" cuz I let those peeps go batshit when I'm with them. I have a bad feeling about what's going to happen to me when I have kids.

Tiaras and Tantrums said...

oh classic that gramma sucks it - ! love that! I'm trying real hard to get preggers - nothing yet!

Christy said...

Boy, you've been busy...I hate it when it's brought to my attention that I am an idiot (terminally ill neighbor.) SIGH Tomorrow will be a better day...oh wait, it is tomorrow (b/c this was yesterday's post.) Is it a better day? Hope so. :)

Deb said...

Don't beat yourself up. You bring all of your readers joy!

Cathy said...

Since I got laid off I totally watch Law & Order SVU and CSI all day long. The problem is they start the next episode while the credits of the last one are still running, so you can't get away...

Tenakim said...

Why didn't I know about prizes from this club??? I'd be recruiting way more- I mean I always encourage reproduction, but for stuff... I would have gone that extra mile.

Momisodes said...

I must have royally pissed someone off because I'm getting fewer cards this year, too.

Is it me or does the Snuggie give a Monk-ish look?

HeyJoe said...

Way to swing for the fences, douche bag. :)

April said...

i want to live in a snuggie. it's like a mumu done right.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

yes, my kids' gamma also does all the "cool" stuff with them that I won't do, such as start a blog for my 8 YEAR OLD child and then pass it off to me to keep up with...can you say pay back is a bitch???

Jenni Jiggety said...

I don't know where my Christmas cards are either...I feel like I must have done something to offend my family...like maybe start a blog and post weird santa videos?

Oh and my 8 year old son TOTALLY want s a Snuggie...think I should get knocked up and earn him one?

Joy said...

Oh yea pregnancy is much funner when you have someone who can feel your pain.

I haven't gotten as many cards as I have sent-wtf is up with that?

Vodka Mom said...

you crack me the hell up.

Tuesday Girl said...

Was Gossip Girl ever good last week! Wowza, January 5th can't come soon enough.

I didn't knwo breeders got good prizes! I have three kids when do I count as a breeder?

Last Place Finisher said...

I flash my man boobs but nobody pays attention (or they wince and look away). I enjoyed your writing.

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

For once I am happy we live far away from gamma ;)

Aria said...

You can evaluate yourself by your blog, we love you! In all your preggo, sauerkraut craving, neighbor-bitching, chipolte loving, unkempt house having, gramma-sucks saying way.
Besides, we're all douche bags, you're just one of the few that are brave enough to not only admit it, but put it out there to the world.

Yay YOU! ps... you got my TV the other day; I'm trying to be polite here, but seriously, can you send it over now? ;)

HappyHourSue said...

Halleluia- nothing is better than crossing that "fat/oh- obviously pregnant" line.

And I am all about the snuggie- and I WILL wear it to a footall game, as seen on TV.

LiteralDan said...

Seriously.

Seriously??!

I will never be able to top that.

You are a horrible person.

The world does not have certifiable proof that I'm as horrible as you, though, so I sit confidently in judgment of you.


P.S. Who HASN'T been inspired by our fair governor in some way? Don't you wish YOURS was as enterprising in finding new sources of revenue?

Kristen said...

ROFL - I am in tears laughing so hard.
Wish my belly would pop. So tired of looking just fatter than I was before!
Do you know what you are having yet?

Tiffiney said...

my husband complains to that i dont clean enough...hum...i guess you can say he can suck it...lol..cause this is as good as it gets babe..haha...

Lamb said...

BANG PICTURES. NOW!!