Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Just like old times.

I haven't numbered things in a while.

I think I will go ahead and do that now.

Just to be nostalgic.

1. I think my thighs are starting to rub together...like...full time. This scares me. I mean, not enough to stop eating burritos, but enough to make me drink water between bites.

2. I literally yell the phrase "Stop touching my balls!" about 500 times a day. Why can't they let me enjoy what is most likely the last year ever I will have full reign over Christmas tree decorations, before they take it over with macaroni and pipe cleaner paraphernalia? This is my fucking year, people!

3. Last night I dreamt I was one of Hugh Hefner's girlfriends, and I was still knocked up and everything, but way sexy, with super long legs. Anyways, it was so fun, until bedtime, and he was all, it's time to have old man sex, and I was all scared, but then I walked into his bedroom, and it ended up being a pizza parlor. I was so relieved. 'Cept I woke up with heartburn.

4. I asked my oldest what he though I was having, and he said an owl. This concerns me. Not so much because he thinks I could grow an owl in my belly, but more that the actual birthing of an owl sounds...well..pointy and unpleasant.

I hope it's not an owl.

5. I hate that my friend Tabitha told me that Jenny "I have the worst hack job of a haircut ever" Humphrey on Gossip Girl played Cindy Lou Who on How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I am pretty sure Jesus doesn't like that the former Cindy Lou Who dresses like Rosanna Arquette in Desperately Seeking Susan, but with better teeth.

6. Today I visited my mom at work, and we were chillin' at her desk, and someone near her had, like, the worst smelling, strongest perfume on ever. And because I function without tact these days, I kept verbally freaking out about horrific the smell was. I mean, it smelled kinda piney, but also totally like butt. It was completely disgusting. But then, it turns out that it wasn't perfume at all, but rather, the lady in the office next to her sprays Lysol every time she farts, which apparently, is often. So...that explains the pine...and the butt.

59 comments:

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

"But then, it turns out that it wasn't perfume at all, but rather, the lady in the office next to her sprays Lysol everytime she farts, which apparently, is often. So...that explains the pine...and the butt."

HILARIOUS.

CaJoh said...

Ewwwww…

I also know that skunk is supposed to smell bad too, but I can't help but think… "Coffee-Skunk" because it kind-of reminds me of coffee grounds (I guess I drink way too much coffee).

April said...

ahhhh, you make me laugh :-)

Jay @halftime lessons said...

I yearn for the day that I have to say "Stop touching my balls!".

A man can dream.

Temple said...

lmao..thanks for the laughs! Old man sex AND but pine spray all in one post..who could ask for more?

Tony said...

Thanks for making me spit my drink all over my keyboard with the "stop touching my balls" comment. Love your stuff.

Allison said...

Thank you for giving me the words I could never find to describe poor little Jenny Humphrey's hair. Blech.

kel said...

You really got me thinking about the Christmas tree decorations thing. So I've decided I just won't have kids so I don't have to worry about their macaroni projects on my tree. Problem solved.

LiteralDan said...

Please understand that I wish you no harm in hoping it IS an owl... it's just because that would be super awesome.

Dr: "Push! PUSH!"
You: Motherfucking shitfuck!!!
Newly born Owl Baby (bursting out in a cloud of feathers towards the coatrack so it can scan for its first prey): "Whooooooo! ... I said Whoooo, bitches!!"

-----

On an unrelated note, I hope The Almighty commands all women to stop touching Hugh's balls very soon, so we can finally put this whole charade to rest.

Though his lifestyle may give me a tiny extra glimmer of hope for my own golden years, I think it's false hope and so what's left is just me being intensely creeped out by the whole thing.

Swirl Girl said...

I thought I was having an owl too!
I swear! I begged to be induced...either that or medicated for the last 20 days of pregnancy - I was psychotic...

BTW- it was no owl. it was a baby dolphin. The flippin' thing!

Laef said...

"I literally yell the phrase "Stop touching my balls!" about 500 times a day."

Me too!

AJ said...

2. My Christmas ornaments are all over the house and refuse to stay on the tree. It's like the kids have something to do with it or something.

4. My daughter told me she had an elephant in her belly when I had my son in mine....

5. She is also Jenny "I wear WAY too much fucking black eye make up for a blue-eyed blonde" Humphrey.

6. We have a guy at work who farts so often and so fouly that he got his own office. He can literally clear the entire cube farm like 3 or 4 times a day. So HR gave him his own office. If I'd had known that's all it took, I'd have eaten Mexican food daily:)

Goldfish said...

My son was completely convinced I was going to give birth to a kitten. Which sounds better than an owl. Oh, and that point in pregnancy where my thighs started to rub together and sweat? Ugh.

Carolyn...Online said...

I used to work in an office with ALL men and everytime they'd head to the bathroom with some reading material the would top it off with a spritz of Lysol. WHY? It just ends up smelling of Lysol covered crap. Never understood that.

Miss Britt said...

Why do you have to give up your tree?

I gave my kids their own damn tree. In the family room. That they can do whatever the hell they want with.

But the big one in front of the window is MINE!

Jenners said...

You never disappoint me. A few things I thought while reading your post:

The new fragrance from J Lo -- Piney Butt!

When I was pregnant, I was reading one of those books that tracks how the fetus/baby is growing and one week it mentioned that the baby was the size of a squirrel and I couldn't shake that image...I just kept imagining I had a squirrel inside me and that was what I was going to give birth to.

Angi said...

Oh holy crap, you have an office farter too. I have a co-worker with the same problem, and she used to spray aerosol air freshener (LITERALLY) every 3 minutes until my bosses told her it was giving everyone a headache. Then - this grosses me out to even talk about - they told her to LIGHT AN EFFING MATCH instead, because matches cover up smells. I suggested she use a Glade wickless candle or whatever but my boss said, and I quote, "I do not want a constant smell in here all day long." (Like the smell of BURNING isn't a constant smell??!) So, now I feel like I am suffocating in a cloud of sulfur every day, and it literally makes me nauseous and I always feel like I'm on the verge of developing bronchitis, because she strikes a match every 20 minutes. You want to come to my office and loudly complain how it smells like a disgusting campfire all day long? Maybe then she'll lay off...

Gwen said...

Oh my fricken G.

I am having the same dilemma with my kids and my tree. JFuckingC! And every morning when the kids wake up, the baby comes down the stairs and acts like he's never seen the thing before. So I have to answer "Was slat?" 50 fricken times before breakfast. It's a tree. It's a gdamned tree, already, grow a memory cell!

Pine/butt - roflmao!

Regardez Moi said...

I used to work with a women who would fart and then spray Lysol. I always knew when she was farting when I'd hear the "chhht chhht" of the Lysol bottle. She was great.

Tiffiney said...

Drink water between bits..LOLOLOL....love that....but the old man sex..yuck....glad it ended up being a pizza parlor for you...even if you did wake up with heart burn..can you imagine what you have awoken to if you would have had sex with hugh..lolol....

Tuesday Girl said...

I wondered why jenny humphrey has that terrible hair cut too, I would be pissed if someone did that to my hair & I had to go on tv with hair that looks like a blind midget dut it with my dull kitchen shears.

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

I used to work with a lady that had terrible gas to, but the worst port is that she didn't know when she did it, so sometimes you would just gt a horrid whiff. I wish she would have used lysol.

Gettysburg Mom said...

I started laughing so hard at Literal Dan's owl birth scenario that I forgot what I was going to say.

J.Danger said...

Oh my GOD! I hope its an owl- no offense.

Diane said...

When I was in college, we used to spray Lysol in the bathroom... then we ran out and my suitemate had this cheap, rose-scented perfumey stuff... better than nothing, right? For about a month, our bathroom smelled like someone shit a rosebush. I still think of crap whenever I smell roses.

Tenakim said...

1.)Your poor mother!
2.) Keep eating burritos- you can worry about the thighs AFTER the owl comes out.
3.)You're having a girl
4.)My daughter's alter ego is Cindy Lou Who from the Jim Carey movie and that little slut (not my daughter or Cindy Lou, but the girl that plays her) is from St. Louis- aren't we proud!

Aubrey said...

I can't tell you how many times I yell the same 'ball' phrase that you do!
You kill me girl. I love that you're still eating the burritos. LOL

Heinous said...

Does old man sex lead to owls?

Once they start touching your balls, I think the tree is forever in jeopardy.

Aria said...

LMFAO @ Owl and Lysol/butt... And the old-man-sex thing was totally creepy until it turned into a pizzeria... which is kind of like having Medusa turn into Venus...

Bethany said...

That last party was so terribly gross! But on the other hand I can't stop laughing!

It also kind of brought me back to my Clinique days... where "wrappings" only came back once a year.... it smelled kinda like pine and ass!

Dejoni said...

If I sprayed Lysol everytime I farted, I would have to have it delivered by the trailer load.
Puh-leez, why can't she just fart and blame it on someone else like I do?

Threeboys1mommy said...

Mmhmm, pepperoni and Viagra pizza gives me heartburn too.

Renée aka Mekhismom said...

That is just nasty. I am still focused on pine butt. WTH? Yuck!

HeyJoe said...

Reminds me of that old joke about the Avon lady in the elevator: punchline being "Yea, it smells like someone shit in a pine tree."

And I too am always saying "stop touching my balls," but I never listen.

Laura said...

Perhaps a nice Christmas gift for you Mom's office is the spray that "eliminates the odor" and not covers it...

Momisodes said...

I love coming here. I learn something new all the time.
Note to self- drink water between bites...and breathe :)

Jenni Jiggety said...

Your mom should file a grievance!

Tasha said...

I've always loved the mixture aroma of pine and farts...

Trisha said...

My doctor tells me I must do my Kegel exercises but nothing brings that home quite so clearly as when I read your blog and you make me laugh so hard I wet myself.

I'm gonna start doing those Kegels right now. My boyfriend thanks you and I thank you.

You rock, you crazy woman!!!

Thanks for for sharing your zany view of the world with us.

Trisha

Asianmommy said...

Poor lady in the office. :(
Ouch--owl! :)

Jennifer said...

I hate it when they touch my balls!!

Average Girl In Average World said...

Birthing an Owl? OUCH.

Melissa said...

Let's try to look on the bright side. Maybe an Owl baby could keep the birds away better than the plastic one?

Jo-Jo said...

I have been yelling the ball thing here too! They don't listen..Damn the kids!

Mariah said...

Pine and Butt... a clasic smell.

Leslie said...

Haha, you're hilarious!! I hope too that you're not having an owl, but it would be cool if your baby could turn it's neck all the way around....

Sorry about the perfume/Lysol, since you're preggo, you should have the right to ask her to STOP SPRAYING the Lysol or you will vomit on her desk!!!

HappyHourSue said...

Me too- I'm such a control freak about the tree and the way the kids have NO sense of spacing and color balance!!!!!!!!! I actually hear myself saying to them "I was a graphic designer, so trust me." Nice Mom.

LuckyMe said...

Great post, Brittany!

I was so looking forward to the smell of a fresh Christmas tree........til NOW!

I like the candle solution to pine butt. Your mom needs a nice candle for her cube.

How to Party with an Infant said...

HAAAA HAAAA!! (this is meant to convey my pleasure after reading this post. I hate the word 'pleasure.'' oh well)

Vodka Mom said...

Sweet baby jesus, I am LAUGHING my ass off about the fart lady!!

You rock! For sure......

Connie Weiss said...

Freakin Hilarious!

The lysol story makes me so glad that I don't work anymore. Dang smelling co-workers and their gas.

Teri said...

Oh my, I just found your blog. Hilarious! Especially the part about the lady smelling like butt. Good observation.

I'll be back. (I learned that from Arnold).

texasholly said...

Holy crap that made me laugh. I think my favorite part was the pizza parlor...I was relieved for you.

blueviolet said...

Omg, you are so wild and crazy and hilarious. How can you go a moment not laughing at yourself?

Ali said...

Ooooh, oooooh, that reminds me of a funny story about balls and pepper spray. Very bloggable. Thanks!

Melissa said...

Ok, I peed in my pants laughing so hard at the piney butt smell. CLASSIC!

ChefDruck said...

Jenny is SO Cindy Lou. Perfectly cast!

SOUP OF THE DAY said...

Oh dear.... it's been a long time since I read something that literally made me laugh so hard I cried actual tears. And this is only the 4th post of yours I've read (many more to come I'm sure). I laughed so hard, I cried, then I rubbed my eyes, forgetting I had on mascara. I just caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Not pretty.

Jennifer said...

1. Seriously, NOW your thighs rub together? Are you kidding?
2. Macaroni and pipe cleaners - back of the tree. Tell them it's the "place of honor" where the baby won't be able to get to them!
3. Do you REALLY think he has sex with these women? I think after he dies we'll all find out the truth of the matter!
4. I promise, it's NOT an owl. Though I can not guarantee it's not some other foul species.
5. Well, at least you know the beginnings of her...umm ... eclectic style.
6. Your poor mother! You need to get her an air purifier IMMEDIATELY!!!