Monday, December 1, 2008

Something is burning, and for once...it's not my soul.

Preface: This post sucks. I have rewritten it 20 times. Feel free to print it out, put it in a paper bag, and light it on fire on someone's porch. I totally would...but I have been out of ink for about 10 years, and my husband keeps forgetting to get me more. I would go myself, but I'm afraid of robots...and by robots I mean printers. You could lose a finger.

Moving on.

I always look forward to Thanksgiving, mostly because I like to eat...lots. Just ask my pants. They are lying over there...covered in gravy.

But, after 3-4 days of reliving the same turkey dinner over and over, I am at my vomit point.

I always go into the holidays with Griswald expectations, only to have them dashed by my mother's refusal to make it a black tie event, and my father's unwillingness to come to the table in anything but elastic ankle sweatpants.

Damn it.

So, that leaves me no choice but to embrace the day, change into my sweatpants, and eat my weight of disappointment in mashed potatoes. Which is totally helped by the fact that I am knocked up, because it is waay easier to eat my second helping indian style on the couch, and just set the plate on my belly.

Holiday pregnancies do have their downsides though, it's like a free for all of stinky folk who want to feel up your belly and ask you asinine questions, which may have been fun and endearing the first time around, but by kid #3, the novelty has since worn off, and I just want to get to the dessert table, back to the couch without incident., and by incident, I mean dropping more cherry pie filling down between my boobs.

But, here's the thing, I may give you the stink eye for asking me if we know the sex yet, for the tenth time, but I swear to fucking God, if you ask me one more time if I am going to breast feed in front of my grandpa, I will kick you in the throat. There are tons of holiday memories I want to have with my grandpa, but the thought of something sucking on my nipple, nourishment or not, isn't one of them. And for the record, I am probably not. I drink too much and have a pension for diet pills, so there is no spilling of mommy juice from these puppies, not to any babies anyway.

So, yeah, that was about it. I burnt the pies, nothing new there, I suck balls at baking.

I didn't get up the next day to shop, not because I am against the commercialism of it, or that I am aghast at the behavior of selfish consumers in this country. It's more because I am a lazy ass, who would much rather roll my belly out of bed when the sun is up and eat cold turkey out of a zip lock bag in front of the TV all morning.

But now, I am in Christmas mode. Trees, and twinkly lights, and ham, and shopping, and Christmas music, and ham, and stockings, and presents, and ham.

It's a magical, magical time.

Time that I am sure will be spent in sweatpants, not reading Twilight (Blasphemy, I know. But teen lit with no awkward sex, pass), avoiding pictures of myself from Thanksgiving in which I totally have double chin, watching Elf, and wondering how the corn casserole made it's way into my belly button.

I'll act all disgusted, but I will totally eat it when nobody is looking.

Fa, la, la, la, la, la,la, la, la.

What do you love watching this season, and no one say Deck the Halls, that movie totally sucked.

P.S. For those of you who have never checked it out, Blogtations is a personal fave of mine, and not just because she features me, she seriously finds the funniest blog quotes ever, a must see for all of you who don't plan on getting up out of their computer chair any time soon.

45 comments:

HeyJoe said...

"I'll act all disgusted, but I will totally eat it when nobody is looking."

So gross, and yet so true.

J.Danger said...

Totally did not suck. We just put our lights up yesterday, so it is officially official! I effing LOVE Christmas. and now we get Hanukkah AND Christmas thanks to the husband so I get to shop TWICE as much! Pretty awesome!

Tuesday Girl said...

I think you are living my life.

Sucks for you.

kel said...

Boo for all the food for Thanksgiving, but yay for Christmas!

AJ said...

I hear ya' on the black tie thing. I always find all these fancy new recipes like Chipotle Mashed Potatoes, Prosciutto and Arugula Wrapped Breadsticks, and Double Decker Caramel Pumpkin Pie, and then my mom is always all "Those won't be good, and So And So will be all upset we don't have regular potatoes and pumpkin pie. So I'm still making them." And then I'm all pissy that she doesn't trust that I AM the BEST cook in the family and she should just listen to me. So this year when every piece of my pie was gone before one piece of hers was, I said to her "I win." She was all "that's your dead grandmother's recipe." And I said "tell Grandma to 'bring it!'"

Renée aka Mekhismom said...

OMG eating that corn out of your belly button? Nasty. But when I was pregnant I probably would have done the same thing. I would have been too damn lazy to get up and get more (nevermind the bedrest thing that is another story).

My fav of all time is A Christmas Story. Hilarious!

Threeboys1mommy said...

I wouldn't burn it... largely because I haven't had a robot in like 5 years. Sure I've gotten some recipes and directions wrong, but I'm still standing.

Elf is my favorite, and It's a Wonderful Life and does Bridgette Jones count as a Christmas movie I think it should, finally Love Actually.

Dejoni said...

So...you know the sex of the baby yet? BWAHAHA!
I, like your dad, did the big fashion no-no and ate Thanksgiving in my sweatpants...stained at that.

Miss Yvonne said...

My absolute favorite Christmas movies are Christmas Story (You used up all the glue on purpose!),Christmas Vacation (Shitter's full!) and Elf (I like to whisper too!). Unfortunately, TBS has shown Elf like 50 times already since Thanksgiving day, so I'm over it for this year.

Carolyn...Online said...

I love that your black tie dreams turned into elastic band sweatpants reality. This weekend I looked around our isolated (lonely) cabin and thought, "As usual the reality does not touch the vision."

Oh well, there's always Christmas.

Jamie said...

I think this is a great post - you're too hard on yourself and my fav holiday movie is It's a Wonderful Life - intoduced it my eight year old for the first time and much to my surprise she liked it!!!!

The Mom said...

ELF!! It's the best movie EVAH! My older two love it as much as we do and it's kinda wrong, but so right!

Temple said...

As long as you chase the belly button corn pudding with the cherries stored between the love pillows, then it all works out in the gand scheme of eating "food found in odd places"

Awesome blog...as always!

April said...

Bad Santa. Best Christmas movie ever. Ever.

Jenni Jiggety said...

Seriously? I ate cold turkey out of a ziplock bag on my couch on black Friday.

What is better than that?

Eating pie right out of pan afterwards...

jill jill bo bill said...

Your "sucky" blogs crack me up just as much as your other ones. When going around the table stating what you are thankful for, I said with ALL SERIOUSNESS, "spandex". Everyone thought I was kidding. But me and my pudge were not. Really.

LuckyMe said...

Thanks for the advice about how to talk to a pregnant lady. I will never ask the gender question again. And my hands were all over my 20 year old goddaughter's belly on turkey day. Oops!

Twilight. I know. Right? That makes two of us nixing it. But I did read it just to see what all the fuss was about.

Your belly button still goes in? How does that work?

"It's a bit nipply out" Gotta watch Christmas Vacation. It's a tradition. Every other line makes me LMAO. Elf is cute, too.

Jenners said...

Well if that is your sucky post, I am totally jealous! Made me laugh. If anything, you just sound pregnant!

In my opinion Elf is hands-down the best holiday film. My husband loves A Christmas Story, and we both get a chuckle from the National Lampoon Christmas Vacation. Other than that, I don't think there are any good Christmas movies. I'm just waiting for Elf 2.

You rock!

Jennifer, Playgroups Are No Place For Children said...

This may be one of the funniest posts I've ever read, it totally didn't suck.

Swirl Girl said...

You had me at 'at first I was all Griswald"....hahahahahaha

Glad to see I am not the only one whose life doesn't live up to its expectations.

(and I'm with you on the No LeLeche League...my kid would be a drunk)

DCD said...

My world is a happy place when TBS plays "A Christmas Story" for 24 hours straight. LOVE that movie. And I caught the last 20 minutes of "White Christmas" the other night. Bawling in about 5 minutes in!

Yay, Holidays!!

Regardez Moi said...

How do you do it? How? Every time. Every post. I end up laughing so hard I fart. Can I say that here? I probably just grossed everyone out but won't erase it because that would be too much work. You are amazing. Period. The End.

Diane said...

This post sucked?! You suck. Geez.

I'm always dropping food between my boobs. Once, on a first date, a cherry tomato fell off my fork and right down there, getting stuck in my bra. Yeah. Full of class, I am.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Am I passe or too mainstream for saying A Christmas Story? What if I said I saw it in the theatre and liked it WAY before everyone else?

Jay @halftime lessons said...

cherry pie filling... between my boobs...

sweet mary...

you call me the SECOND you get divorced.


;-)

Joy said...

Oh yea pregnant Thanksgiving and Christmas are the best excuse for eating anything and everything in sight, I was lucky to be big & pregnant 2yrs ago

Our favorite movie-Christmas Vacation, we even let our son watch last year-Yes I am a bad parent.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

seriously, that post did NOT suck at all, it was better than any one of my best posts any day...

Elf is also one of my favorite Christmas movies, but nothing beats A Christmas Story. That's just Christmas all wrapped up in a funny little bundle, complete with a bee-bee gun and a plastic leg shaped lamp. Doesn't get any better than that.

Momisodes said...

Blogtations rocks :)

Your post just made me realize that I missed all of the holiday feasts while pregnant (preggo from Jan-Aug).

I feel cheated.

LiteralDan said...

I admire your bravery in coming out as a likely-non-breast-feeder in public.

On the Internet, no less! Prepare for the inevitable barrage.

Allison said...

Frosty The Snowman circa 1980 or something. I own it on VHS. Sob everytime...

Lee the MWOB Queen said...

Oh yeah, next time you have a post that sucks that you want to get rid of, just send it my way.

Love the gravy covered pants and cherry pie filling down the cleavage...my third kid is 17 months old now but the memories are vivid.

Loved this sucky post.

Emily said...

Mmmm ham.

Jennifer said...

The last time I was preggo at Thanksgiving my highly-flammable maternity sweater was set on fire by one of my festive candles.

My 2 faves are It's A Wonderful Life and NL's Christmas Vacation.

So are you having a boy or a girl? teehee

The Rambler said...

I think I pee'd my pants when you said you'd kick them in the throat for bringing up boobie feeding in front of grandpa...CLASSIC.

Enjoyed this A LOT!

Average Girl In Average World said...

I vote for Rudolph the RedNosed Reindeer.

Your self-proclaimed sucky post, was awesome, as usual. I am with you on the black tie event, unfortunately no ine else in my family is :(

The kicking in the throat was pretty awesome too.

Cheryl said...

You crack me the HELL up! You are pregnant, you can do whatever you want!

Ali said...

Eating all the Thanksgiving leftovers and now having room in the fridge for more important things like snickers and dr. pepper is a celebration in itself!

LazyCrazyMama said...

For a sucky post, it was pretty god damned hilarious.
I think Elf is one of my total favorite holiday movies. I also really like Love Actually - but totally have to fast forward through the awkward porn scenes... they really don't even fit in with the movie, the rest of it is pretty much ok for the kids to watch.

HeyJoe said...

Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color?

Jennifer said...

i just found your blog from over at sandy's at momisodes... and wow... you are freakin' hilarious!! :) i love your post and can't wait to read more. :)

i was LOL during a lot of this and honestly i'm going to bookmark it and any time my two 3 year olds are driving me NUTS today... i'm going to come read it again.

thanks!!
have a great day!!

xoxox

Tiffiney said...

I am so glad I do not have to go through all of the pregnant questions again...I am done..no more...4 is soooo enough..lol...Glad your Thanksgiving went great...I so love all the food, my plate was piled high...enjoyed the extra five pounds I gained..that I have to lose now..haha...I have never seen Elf...I will try to watch that one this year! :)

Aubrey said...

The post was great! I dunno what you are talking about!

My son and I love Elf and we have decided to start a Lord of the Rings marathon every Christmas. Yeah. Not holidayish but oh well.

texasholly said...

I don't tell you often enough how much I love you.

Haasiegirl said...

omg, you crack me up.

trisha
momdot

Stephanie L. Bond. said...

I just found your blog and now find myself awake, at 4:30am pressing "older posts" more then once.

s.