Sunday, December 21, 2008

Merry.

Holy balls.

It's freezing.

After a full day of last minute shopping, I am frostbit and chapped in places I have never been frostbitten and chapped before.

But, it's Christmas time. Always a cluster fuck, eh?

I mean, don't get me wrong, I completely love it. The pretty snow, the cookies, the food, the presents, that weird, tingly magical feeling you get this time of year.

Lovesit!

It has it's downsides, like crowds, and cold leather seats in your car, and ridiculous online shipping charges (That means you, Target!), but the worst part...ugh family get togethers.

And, kids make it even worse.

You know, in theory.

Kids are GREAT at Christmas...in your own home. But once you have to factor in the 293495756438 fucking places you have to cart everyone around to, loading your car with presents, empty dish to pass plates, bundling and rebundling your kids 80 effin' times, and not sitting and or drinking yourself into the holiday stupor you totally deserve because, JesusfuckingChrist, your kids aren't allowed to touch anything in your great aunt's old person smelling house, because it's all 800 years old, and she refuses to put it up, and your kids won't stop poking her half dead, hairless, one eyed cat with candy canes for onefuckingsecond because they are bored out of their minds, and and you just want to go home where it's ok to sit on the kitchen counter drinking beer and eating cold spaghetti in your underwear, and your kids are allowed to re-break anything of value in your home for the 6374940 time, because, hey, at least they are being quiet...until the batteries of one of the blinkyblinky-talkytalky I can murder you in your sleep robot toys dies after a full 3 hours of use, and you rip your house apart wondering what the fuck you can steal D batteries out of, and then you totally realize the only other electronic device in the whole entire house that functions on D batteries is your ultra special....um....massager, and you totally make up a new house rule, right there and then, from this day forward, your kids are only to receive toys made of felt and wood, because it's Christmas, and there are some things you just shouldn't have to sacrifice.

Even for your kids.

On Christmas.

38 comments:

MamaNeena said...

I would steal TV remote batteries before I would steal the vibrator batteries. Good Call!

AJ said...

Ahhhh, and the 'way-too-much-Christmas/food/presents meltdowns' that they have are priceless, too:)

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

Christmas is a totally time for new rules, especially that one.

Vodka Mom said...

wait......did you say fuck?

blueeyedtawni said...

heheh not unless you have a rechargeable vibrator with heat option.. :D then its a win win situation... well for you anyway.. the kids give them pots pans with flour and water any luck they make glue and you will find them sitting down quietly.. well glued anyway ^______^

Jo-Jo said...

Why is it people refuse to child proof when a child is coming over?! My mom is like that. I just want to say...well if you don't do it then you must not want us there. And trust me....I don't want to be there either.

Tuesday Girl said...

amen, baby jesus.

Regardez Moi said...

Your vibrator uses D batteries? I'm doing something wrong.

Jenni Jiggety said...

When the batteries die it means it is time for bed. Even if it is 9 am.

April said...

aw, i had to steal the batteries out of my vibrator once. sad day.

Joy said...

I was a victim of overpriced shipping today, all because I didn't order something hubs emailed to me over a week ago-the shipping cost me almost as much as the item! that is just bull shit right there.

Not sure which is funnier the visual of the kids poking the half dead cat or you sitting on your counter in your underware eating cold spaghetti.

We have to do FIL's unkid friendly house so that his girlfriend can have Christmas with my kids. Since my MIL would shit her pants if she came with him Christmas morning to our breakfast here.

wordweaver said...

You forgot to add, "But I'm not bitter." or perhaps....?

Thanks for the belly laugh. I do love your stuff. Takes the edge of my own paranoia.

Allison said...

Ahhh...the joys of eating spaghetti in your underpants. It's one of the sweet joys of marriage.

Threeboys1mommy said...

Goodness I sure hope you're not using the dildo during your pregnancy... you have heard of shaken baby syndrome haven't you?

Merry Christmas Britt

Traci said...

I dunno..... if it quiets them down? Then maybe?

Average Girl In Average World said...

Seriously...D batterie powered Vibrator? I heard tell of one that was gasoline powered, but D batteries? Come On Now. LOL

Nothing says happy holidays like some good 'ol child wrangling. Just think, next year there will be one more..

Dejoni said...

I hate taking my kids anywhere.
The only thing that's saving me is I can get tanked...I'll drink one for you!

CaJoh said...

Wow, I cannot believe that you actually count those things…

So here's one of those 1245872756 times that someone wishes you a very merry Christmas.

J.Danger said...

were you spying on us last christmas?

Heather said...

I didn't know you could dislike your own children at other people's house as much as you can dislike other people's kids in your own house. (My 4 yr old nephew likes to pocket all my stuff, and my brother gets very pissed when I discipline his kid.)

Teri said...

I can see your point about the batteries.

Believe it or not, we actually have a fun place to visit on Christmas Day. My son-in-law's folks and all the steps-, halves-, and blendedness. They ALL get along and don't give a damn about who spent what or gave what. Just pass the alcohol, and ho ho ho.

Jamie said...

Too funny!!!

Tony said...

Thanks for the good laugh. The smelly old person reference was classic. No way my wife is letting me steal the vibrator batteries.

HappyHourSue said...

Hilarious, as usual...and may I just say: that I popped over to Dooce for my monthly: "maybe this time I'll see what the big deal is" visit, and she's talking about her prgnancy and all I could think is "Brittany's way funnier".

Jenners said...

You have truly captured the spirit of Christmas! Bravo!

Ali said...

My in laws have the worst home for kids. They're big techies and there are cords, wires, remotes (who needs that many remotes!!) and outlets everywhere!

Temple said...

I was going to blog later about the Christmas season, but I think you have captured it perfectly...down to the D batteries! :) Have a great one!

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

you took the batteries out of WHAT???

Christmas does make people crazy...

Stacey said...

Ugh I HATE D batteries!! Gavin's swing & bouncer take those & I swear they last like 2 minutes!

jill jill bo bill said...

Can you listen to the kid's toy without thinking that those batteries once made you smile as well? I thought not.

abadeeba said...

yup, holidays generally suck for the imbibers. in the meantime, check it: http://weheartit.com/entry/254858

Momisodes said...

Note to self- Buy kiddo more felt and wood toys this Christmas....STAT.

Aria said...

D batteries huh? Oh hell, why don't you just upgrade to the one with a car battery and a kick-start?

And, don't the stores know that they're supposed to keep their thermostats at about the same temp as the colder-n-a-witch's-tit-in-a-brass-bra outside temp so parents don't have to spend hours wrapping and unwrapping themselves and their children?

Asianmommy said...

Funny! And you're right--trying to keep little kids entertained at a relative's house is no easy feat.

Anissa Mayhew said...

Dude, mine has a cord and plugs into the wall...perhaps TMI, but NEVER a battery issue ever.

The occasional black out in Tampa, but only on the weekends.

Sam_I_am said...

D batteries, that sucker's pretty powerful, lol ;-)

luv 2 cook said...

OK I think I love you! Not in a love love way but like a friend way! You are by far the funniest thing I have read in a long time. I read my hubby a couple things as he was wondering why I was laughing like a hyena on crack and he shook he head at me in such a way to imply I was nuts.

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