Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Greetings from the couch.

Bed rest can suck it.

Apparently, my blood pressure was high at my appointment yesterday, and that, along with some very annoyingly constant cramping, has sounded an alarm, and I have been restricted to couch duty until my re-check next week.

So, I am doing my mothering and wifing from the couch this week. I think it's going well. My boys are loving the constant snuggling and movie watching. My husband thinks I am a needy douche bag. We'll find the balance. I mean, what kind of soulless asshole makes his ailing wife get her own tank top from the bedroom after she spilled cashew chicken down the front of the one she is currently wearing, because, for fucks sake, she could be killing the baby!

Anyways.

You know how I told you all I was having a girl, and I was all excited to buy pink stuff, and blah blah, sugar and spice?

Well, I lied. I haven't bought a single thing.

I have been living in gender fear now for a month. I mean, sure, two different ultrasound techs on two different occasions told me I was having a girl, but who's to say this baby isn't a bit more protective of it's scrotum? Techs have been wrong before, and over the course of my baby making years, I have become environmentally programmed to only except announcements of the male persuasion.

So, I didn't buy a single thing. I pretended I did when people asked. And even when I announced to people I was having a girl, I did so with the tag line, at least, that's what they said.

For weeks now, I have been googling fetal porn, analyzing other peoples gender revealing ultrasound pictures, comparing them to mine.

I would show strangers my ultrasound pictures, looking for unbiased opinions, I mean, if they swear they see a labia there, I would have to believe them, right? I mean, what old man in a motorized scooter in line for the blood pressure cuff machine at the Walmart pharmacy would lie about seeing a fetus labia to a complete stranger?

But, I knew better. There had to be a penis somewhere, anywhere, hidden on this baby.

So, I had my monthly appointment yesterday, complete with a follow up ultrasound since Walnuts wasn't quite on board last time around with giving up some good heart shots.

And then the ultrasound tech said it.

Again.

I was having a girl. She showed me the parts. I made her swear on the life of her child. I made her look around a bit, assuring me there wasn't going to be any kind of undecsended surprise in a few months after I rip all the tags off of every pink item I buy.

She didn't see anything.

Except a baby vagina.

(So she says.)

61 comments:

Annie said...

Embrace the vagina,sister. Since you can't get out of bedrest, you can at least get out of denial.
I have baby vaginas at my house. I promise they won't kill ya! Go buy some purple....ease into the pink!

AJ said...

I was on bedrest for 2 weeks before my son was born. I was 34.5 weeks preggo and my doctor insisted I had gestational diabetes a few weeks prior. This meant that at 34 weeks I got to start non-stress tests. These stupid fuckers pick up every semi-contraction you have. Long story short, they picked up small contractions that were on regular intervals. I insisted I had them all the time and they were nothing but Braxton Hicks. These stupid fuckers drugged me with anti-contraction meds that made it worse, shipped me by ambulance to a hospital with a NICU, and all their meddling made the contractions stronger and 2.5 minutes apart. I was ready to kick some ass. Once they left me alone and let me sleep, I was fine and discharged the next day. But my doc ordered bedrest until 37 weeks. So getting paid for not being at work was fun, but bed rest was not. I was awful at it. I cleaned and walked the dog. I know, totally not bed rest acceptable.

Did you get out the u/s pics of your boys to compare crotch shots? The pics I had of the boy parts and the girl parts were distinctly different. You should totally post all the pics, put up a poll, and we can vote:)

Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

Well, I don't know anything about spotting baby vaginas on an ultrasound. Like you, I am only familiar with the floating turtles.

Threeboys1mommy said...

Uhm... parenting from the couch...Isn't that where were supposed to parent from?

I have a lifeguard set up, whistle, blowhorn, zinc oxide.

CaJoh said...

OMG Fetal Porn huh…

I have heard from many mothers that they can tell the sex of the child based upon the type of pregnancy they have— I wouldn't know myself being a MAN and all. Perhaps you can compare what you experienced with your boys with what you are currently going through and see if it matches up.

Mommie Mayhem said...

Bed rest been there done that 3 x. ... Hip hop hooray for the vajayjay news !!

DCD said...

Sorry about the bed-rest. It always sounds like it would be awesome - but I have a feeling it gets maddening pretty quick.

And good for you for accepting what definitely sounds like the truth. You have a baby vagina growing inside you! Hooray!

Sam_I_am said...

My mom had congestive heart failure when she was in labor with me and the contractions were causing my heart to stop, too, so when I was born, the doc wasn't really paying any attention to my nether regions. He told my mom she had a boy (how you get that mixed up...?) My mom then was in intensive care and didn't see me for a week. When the nurse asked her if she knew she had a girl, my mom thought she'd had twins!

Aria'z Ink said...

Pregnancy is the hardest physical job there is (aside from actual parenting) Tell hubby I said to get off his rump and be droptoyourknees thankful that he's not the pregnant one ~ If ya want me to come over there and dig deep, I'm sure I can whip up some Jersey Girl Bitch for him ;-D

Deep breath, woman! I know you're scared and in unfamiliar female-baby territory. Rip off tags! (keep the receipts you can return whatever without tags, but the receipts make it oh so much easier) Besides, even if all three of the sonogram techs are wrong (not saying they are, but if...) you're not going to be the first person to return a shitload of stuff cause they got told boy or girl and the other option showed up on the big day.

Enjoy yourself ~ now send hubby out for some Sauerkraut Chipotle!

Allison said...

It has to be a girl. We had to have a long, budget-related discussion after someone saw a charge to Babystyle and started asking questions. It can't be for naught.

Feel Better!

Cheryl said...

I am glad if you are glad! that it is a girl that is, you can corrupt the hell out of her! If you need any help, I am available!

lane said...

i love that your having a sweet baby girl! i have two friends this weekend giving birth to little boys.. we need some balance in this world!
so pop out a beautiful little girl already!
sorry to hear your on bed rest- but it just means more for us to read.. looks like your be blogging more than usual?

-lane

Leah said...

Sounds like you're having a girl!

I have to say, I would love it if someone put me on bedrest right now. I could use a week of rest lol

MamaNeena said...

Get yourself some walkie talkies and have some extra fun with the couch rest!

MamaNeena said...

Get yourself some walkie talkies and have some extra fun with the couch rest!

Jamie said...

Too funny! Hope you're feeling better soon and atleast go buy one pink thing that is if you are allowed off the couch!!!

Average Girl In Average World said...

Will you please buy that child some clothes?!?!?! A blanket atleast?

Oh yeah, I am making baby stuff right now for ya, so as soon as they are complete, I will be in touch!

Mr Lady said...

They told me #2 was a boy. They showed me his wanker. I did not believe them. He was born, and my husband said, "See, it IS a boy" and I said, "nu uh, show me."

He's totally a boy. Embrace the vag. They're right.

Dejoni said...

This is how it starts with girls. They are a pain in the ass even before birth...get used to it.
Life as you know it will NEVER be the same.

Shelly... said...

Okay, a friend of ours was told several times she was having a girl (they already had two and really wanted a boy), well guess what happened? Yep, it was a boy. Now I'm not saying that's gonna happen with you but it has happened.
Good luck with the bed rest. Hope everything is fine!

Lee the MWOB Queen said...

I think it's a girl too but who cares what I have to say? Those fetal porn pictures are usually right.

I see you twittered about breast pumps. I have a Medela double pumping heroic machine. It rules and it got me through three babies. Nothing is as good as the real deal baby/boob combo of course but if you have to pump, a Medela double pumper is the way to go. In my who cares what I have to say opinion.

(I would have responded to you on Twitter if I had any idea how to use my Twitter account.)

Emily said...

Oh, that sucks. I hope your BP goes down by next week!

Jo-Jo said...

I have been so busy and have missed so many blogs! A girl! I am sooooo extremly jealous!

Lamb said...

i cant wait to see your baby girl! she is going to be sooo stinkin' cute!

Laura said...

It has to be a girl! Like a little boy would be that demanding that you have to rest and focus on them while they gestate? Oh no. Girls require this amount of attention.

Diane said...

I didn't believe my doc when he told me mine was a girl. But I bought shitloads of pink stuff anyway... I just didn't take any of the tags off or wash anything until she was born and I made sure there was no penis. It was cool... everything was so little, it all fit into one big load. Don't be scared... leap! OK, well, don't actually 'leap', as that would require you get off the couch... but make your hubs bring you the laptop so you can shop for pink stuff online.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Sorry to hear about the bed rest. Tell that hubbie of yours to smarten up and do what you say cause you are gaining an ally in this little pink thing that's going to come out soon and you guys can really make his life miserable...I know from experience ;)

Judy@nofearentertaining said...

Awww. Bed rest sucks. And get over it...you are having a girl. There is no way around this. It's a girl!!!

Jay @halftime lessons said...

LOL

Was wondering when you would start couchblogging...

The techs say that when they see a girl, it is not because they dont see boybits, it is because they see girlbits.

Personally, I think they are sitting there flipping a fucking coin on the other side of their expensive ass machine.

Jenners said...

Hope all goes well with the next checkup.

And the term "fetal porn" is just too sick and too funny for words.

Aubrey said...

Embrace the pink!

You are in for one helluva ride! Hang on!

Tony said...

LOL, you are killing me. what else did the old man in the scooter tell you? I am guessing if you have been told now 3 times it is a girl, it is a girl. I mean third time is a charm right? Rejoice and go pink. Sorry to hear of your couch ordeal.

Abigail said...

I was told at 17 weeks with my #2 kiddiewink that it was a girl - the doctor was "99%" sure. We did the whole fetal scans thing on the internet, too, and everything matched up with girlness. Except it was a boy. Joel. And he's very very boyish. No doubt in our minds now that he's out.

But we were only jerked around at one appointment - if you've had 3 different opinions, all girl, I'd say you're in the clear, girlfriend! Get that Cabbage Doll dolled up and geared up!

jill jill bo bill said...

In case you missed it, I TOLD YOU!!!! Go PINK baby! Green is okay, but pink rocks! And so do bows and tutus and glitter. So excited for you!

Michelle said...

How funny!

The Rambler said...

Damn you make me laugh so hard.

Your such a great read, even when your confined to wifey/mommy duties from the throne, er, I mean couch/bed!

Miss Britt said...

The first thing I said when Emma was born was "what is it?!?! what is it?!?!" and everyone was so confused because "you knew it was going to be a girl, we told you!"

Tiffiney said...

When you get off couch rest...go buy some baby girl things!! Have fun, go crazy..... :)

Rachel said...

Brittany, you are too much!
Rest, take of yourself and the little vagina haver inside of you ;-)

Then go get some fun pink and purple stuff. It's awesome. I'm telling you!

Weith Kick said...

Fetal porn? I would be so afraid to ever mention this in a blog or even google it for fear that Big Brother is watching. Fetal Porn? I wish I had thought of that term first.

I hope you get your girl!

Lo said...

They don't make much that's gender neutral these days, babe. So, my advice would be -- go with it.

Take care... and shop pink.

Tenakim said...

I love Annie's quote "embrace the vagina"- I think that's my new motto!

Goddess in Progress said...

Hey, I found you via Mom Bloggers Club (or pregnant bloggers? I can't remember). Anyways, sorry to hear about the bedrest. And congrats on having a girl! How exciting!

Carolyn...Online said...

It's got to be a girl. Only a girl would be such a pain in the ass to force mom on bedrest.

Swirl Girl said...

All hail the taco!!

Mazel tov on the girlie bits - glad you are able to level the playing field a little. Estrogen-wise that is.

Lippy said...

Bedrest sucks! My family has tons of boys, there were only 3 girls in 50 years or some shit. So when they said I was having a girl, my motherly response was "are you shittin me?". classy. Then every appointment I made them check again. And with gestational diabetes I was there every few weeks. We didn't paint the room until 3 days before she was born I was so nervous. I am now pregnant with my second girl. I wouldn't go all crazy buying stuff, just because everyone you know will buy a ton of stuff. Hope next week is better.

Heather said...

At least if it's not a girl, you can always turn the third boy gay and have a new best girlfriend. That's pretty much just as good, rite?

Brittany said...

Take care of yourself and that little vagina inside you...
I have never been so excited for someone I have never met in person to be having a girl....

Cate said...

When I was pregnant with my son, my mom refused to believe we were having a boy until he was born. She had two girls, her brother had three girls, each of our four cousins had 3-4 girls. Girls everywhere. He broke the pattern finally. And then five years later (last year), I had a girl, so the trend is reborn. Sorry to hear about the bedrest!

Tuesday Girl said...

I made my tech swear on her life there wasn't more than one baby this time around. I made her check.
I made her double check.

I still didn't believe her.

After having twins and miscarring triplets, it was finally only one baby.
Celebrate!

Buncha Blue-Eyed Monkeys said...

Fetal Porn *snicker*

And evidently, parenting from the couch is the place to be! I think I found you thru the top 50 on Mom Dot...I'm gonna have to bookmark ya 'til I figure out which reader to use and come back later....the heathens are stirring...guess they gotta eat sometime. heh.

Take care!

Joelle said...

I'm sorry you're on bed rest. I hope your husband gets into gear on this whole protecting the child thing and be understanding that even if you are being unreasonable - you're literally in the process of earning every ounce of unreasonablness!

Hope your baby GIRL! arrives soon while you're on the couch order a few outfits from Amazon :) in pink. Embrace the pink... or purple... or really any color that's the beauty of a girl.... or so I'm told... there's only males in this household... even the cats! Siigh.

Happy Friday!

Renée aka Mekhismom said...

I am sorry to hear about the bedrest. I truly understand because I was on bedrest for part of my pregnancy too. A good excuse for your husband to pamper you.

blueviolet said...

I had the exact same feelings when I was pregnant the second time except I knew it was a boy and I wanted another girl. I did get over it. I promise you will too.

Dejoni said...

Woman,
I know you are just lying on the couch feeding your face.
Start writing...I need a good laugh! LOl!

Elaine A. said...

I believe this falls under the "I'll believe it when I see it" category.

I don't blame you. I'd probably be the SAME.EXACT. way.

J.Danger said...

at this point, I would be just as doubtful if they told me this one was a boy. Which I do not think that it is. I don't blame you. Bummer about the couch. I would have gotten you your tank top, and brought an extra one too, just in case! Damn husbands!

American in Norway said...

Congrats on the litle labia...
Girls are sooo much fun!

Asianmommy said...

Sorry you're on bedrest--hope things are better next week.

Joy said...

You sound like me after finding out #2 was a girl after some serious looking by the tech we were a bit skeptical, my hubs even took the video to work and made the 2 doctor he works with look and give their opinion since one of them had 3 girls he thought he was an expert. We lucked up and they were all right but I was nervous up to the point she came out and I saw it in real life, I just kept thinking what will I do with all the girl stuff?

ciara said...

i knew each and every one of the three times i had kids what they were. when i was pregnant w my son, i only had boys names picked out. no girls. with my daughters, only girls names picked out. ex said to me that soon as we find out the sex of the baby we could shop. they told us it was a girl. he didn't want to go shopping, because he wanted to wait to make sure. so after i loaded up on girl stuff he said, if it's not a girl, you're returning everything yourself. i told him, 'i won't have to return any of this stuff.' and i didn't. i think the 2nd time he trusted me and the doc lol do you ever feel like it is or isn't a girl? some moms have told me they could never tell...some moms say they can.