Friday, January 30, 2009

My hips don't lie.

I don't know what my problem is.

I'm pregnant.

How is that I keep forgetting that when I go to do super important things like buy beer or kicking the ass of the lady in the make up aisle at Target for completely cock-blocking the mascara section. It is absolutely annoying, because the only make up I even wear/know how to apply is mascara and cherry flavored lip gloss. So, while I waited for-like-ever for her to make her selection, I noticed she had the most chin hair on a woman I have ever seen in my entire life. She seriously looked like a goat. And then it seemed silly she was taking so long and being so picky about mascara, when nobody with two working eyes would ever notice she was even wearing mascara because she completely looked like Col. Sanders.

Or like, after every fucking episode of Girls Next Door, I get this fabulous idea I want to do some racy half nude pictures, and my husband gets all huffy and grossed out about it because I am carrying his baby, which is funny, because despite my girth, he still thinks I am the fucking elastic woman in the sack, so apparently, I am only disgusting in print, but marginally agreeable to look at in bed.

Loser.

Oh, or when I am in Target, and I suddenly find myself in the middle of a life or death bathroom situation, and because I forgot I am in maternity pants, I literally almost crap myself as I fumble around for the fucking zippers and buttons that aren't fucking there.

I mean, maybe I am sidetracked by the fact that I am trying to get my sons to stop reaching into the tampon trash box like it's it's a God damn toy grab bag.

But, hello, I can't find my way out of a fucking pair of elastic pants!?

Then, there are times when I totally remember I am pregnant.

Like when I wake up feeling like someone spent the entire night drop kicking me in the crotch.

I know there is some perfectly magical scientific explanation for this, like how my hips are expanding to make way for a beautiful child of God, or some shit. But these days, I awake to a full bladder, and a waddle of shame to the bathroom feeling rode hard and put away wet.

I spend my days sitting on a frozen bag of peas...ok, not peas, because peas are disgusting, and I don't keep healthy frozen shit in my freezer, so what I am really sitting on is a roll of frozen Thin Mints.

Or, like yesterday, when I decided I wanted to lounge around in my husband's sweatpants all day, except they didn't even fit me because I am a huge puffy monster, and instead of coming downstairs to a hug and reassurance, I come down to the news that Elisabeth Hasselbeck is pregnant, again.

And, like all her other adorable pregnancies where she miraculously ends up "losing weight" which is, like, so weird because she totally "eats tons of garbage" like us normal women, me and my 30 pounds of pregnancy weight gain will completely hate her.

So, um yeah, me and my double chin are on Team McMommy, and out of solidarity, here is my photographic proof.

Women don't sweat after 17 hours of epidural-less childbirth, they fucking glisten.

And just like that, it all comes racing back to me.

Yes....I am pregnant, and the tattoos, body shots and mud wrestling will have to wait. In the mean time, I will just enjoy my time being lazy on the couch, and eat the yummy minty cookies from the bag between my legs.

P.S.Turns out, of all my amazing qualities, someone has decided I deserve be recognized for my ability to cuss. Which is awesome, and completely confirms what I have thought all along, that the time I spend helping the homeless and reading to old people is a fucking waste.

So, go vote for me, and make it all worth while.

43 comments:

Average Girl In Average World said...

You got my vote!

Take it easy while you can.

3 KIDS!!! DAMN, you are a better woman than me.

Dana (the Homesteading Housewife) said...

hehehe I SO feel your pain! but, unfortunately, my man WANTED nudie-prego pics of me... (prego w/ kid #5 no less!) ugh. Poor him! lol Who knows?? I may wanna run for office someday! You think those wouldn't hit the headlines?!?! I think not! ;)

Cheryl said...

LOL< I think I am pretty happy I had no pregnancies, but I still have fucking stretch marks, bastards. I lurve the pony tails. thanks for the info on that fucking crazy ass family with all the kids, I found episodes ON Demand. Love it

MamaNeena said...

I had the naked pictures taken before I ever got pregnant so that hubby would always remember the 'before'

Now, they hang above the treadmill like some gloating, unachievable goal.

Sucks.

Tenakim said...

the thin mints are proabably all melty and shit so they're finger licking good- which brings us full circle back to Colonel Sanders- seemless- I tell, ya, there's not a damn thing wrong with you!

For the record, I do all of these things and am a puffy monster without the excuse of anothers' human cells multiplying in me- we could so be friends!

Finn said...

Perhaps the goat woman uses the mascara on her chin hairs...

ToRi and cReW said...

Thank you for that! I just snorted out loud at work.... seriously, funny shit!

J.Danger said...

she is pregnant again?! Geesh. She should only be allowed to be pregnant when no other women in the world are pregnant. What a joke.

I want some of your cookies- how did I miss Girl Scout season?!

Amen on the epidural-less labor. I did all mine natural too! Holla! That gives us total bragging rights.

Dana's Brain said...

God - stupid Hasselback chick is SO annoying!

That bit about not being able to find your way out of elastic waist-band pants almost made me wet my pants.

You definitely have my vote for best curser ever.

Leah said...

YOu got my vote!

I hate that crotch feeling. Never thought to sit on something frozen.

The Mom said...

I will never post a post-baby shot, I have 13 chins and no one wants to be sick, i'm sure of it.

You look so beautiful post-babe!

Seriously after sitting on Thin Mints they're almost exactly like warm from the oven...just a slightly different oven.

AJ said...

Your hair is so cute for 17 hours of labor!

So true about the tampon trash box, too.

McMommy said...

Look, I know you are married and with child and all...

But I'm kinda in love with you. Alot.

Because who else in their right mind would post their delivery room pic?! My soulmate, that's who.

Your "I stopped counting after 40lbs",glistening, non-epidural with Baby #2, friend and teammate,
McMommy xoxo

E... said...

Seriously, what is up with the fascination with the tampon trash? Lately, it's been more my son that needs to poop in public, but there is just not enough room in there for three people, coats, purse, plastic animal we picked up out of the dollar bin, etc. And people give me looks when we leave without washing our hands -- are you serious? Like I need to add WATER to the mix. I have sanitizer in my purse, people!
Voted for you -- why are you not up for best blog???

Swirl Girl said...

#1 - I am not pregnant but have the same almost 'oopsed' myself issues. What's my excuse!

#B - perhaps if you sat on the that frozen roll of thin mints several months ago (instead of something else ), you'd not be entertaining us with your pregnancy musings!

LOL!

Aria said...

I'll kick the TargetGoat's ass for you, if you share the Thin Mints... but only from the roll your sitting on, cause that's totally twisted, and I can so get into that.

And you've got my vote... now go read some erotica to old people, just make sure you wear your Depends, cause you'll totally crack up so hard you'll pee... oh wait, that'd be me wetting myself.

Miss Britt said...

WHY DID NO ONE EVER SUGGEST I ICE MY CROTCH?!?!

Oh my God. That is brilliant.

kbreints said...

Hey... I only got to ice my crotch AFTER labor. Damn I missed out!!

I am new to your blog-- Thanks for the laugh!

Tony said...

Enjoy the thin mints. Soon you will be back to your normal self and another beautiful child to show for all this torment. Thanks for always bringing such a funny perspective to life's real moments.

Dejoni said...

If you'd shit yourself at Target and I wouldv'e seen you in all your pregnancy glory...I admit, I would have to LMFAO...only cause you'd done the same.
Voted for you and also nominated you to be on the funniest blog list at another site.
Hope you win...you're like Obama for mommy bloggers...such hope and inspiration and keeping it real!

Allison said...

That is the most adorable photo ever. did you have a hairstylist in the room?

Lamb said...

Fing margo from mobile makeup visit you before this pic? i hope to look half that good in my mommy pick.

and the fact you dont have to wear concealer makes me hate you.

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

I can't believe I've never been to your blog! Seriously funny stuff. I hated having all that prego weight and I despised all my girlfriends who said (and keep saying!) "oh, it'll all just melt away when you breast feed!" It didn't have a chance of melting off my ass because I was too busy eating like a horse the entire time. Sigh... Some bitches get all the breaks. Others tough it out and have funny stories to tell later. ;)

Brooke said...

You make it all sound so goddamn magical, I can't wait to get myself knocked up.

Buncha Blue-Eyed Monkeys said...

I can't wait to come back for more, cuz the only thing better than frozen thin mints, is melty ones. You freakin' rock! Thanks for keepin it real.

:o)

Tiffany said...

I feel ya. I sooo hit that "I feel bloated and fat and pimply and gross" stage early this time. But yet I still sometimes forget I'm prego too. Fun stuff. Waking up in the middle of the night to roll over is an Olympic sport, and I creak like a 90 year old lady.

As for Mrs. The View....BAH. I think she just pretends to be pregnant. No woman can remain that thin and stylish and bring forth children from her uterus. It just ain't possible. Maybe I can give her some of the 70-some-odd pounds I gain each time, and she can experience a REAL pregnancy.

HeyJoe said...

You’re blog rouses in me curious and pleasurable feelings; straddling the line between horny and nauseous.

Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

I'm in awe of your ability to cuss. And yes, any other way you would devote yourself would be a complete waste of time.

You should spend your time cussing just to entertain me instead.

Me said...

Save me some of those minty mintd from your snatch will ya?

Threeboys1mommy said...

I gave up on wearing proper pants with zippers and fasteners long ago... after baby 3 I think ;-)

Gina said...

I voted for you...and you are winning! Fuck yeah!

Anissa Mayhew said...

HEH! Tattoos, body shots and mud wrestling...I think we can probably knock out all of THAT in just one night in Chicago. Better have backup plans, hottie!

SOUP OF THE DAY said...

Oh baby -- I remember those crotch pains!

See, now this is why I can't imagine having another kid while mine is so young. How the heck do you manage a toddler with an infant! I can't even handle ONE right now.

I admire you. A LOT.

tamilyn said...

I voted for you-you make me laugh harder than I probably should in the presence of my kids (I'm sure they say these same words when I'm not around-wait, I have heard them when I AM around!)

I guess I also laugh because I am SO DONE with the baby thing but encourage everyone to try it at least once :)

Jenni Jiggety said...

I voted for you!

Krisy said...

I hear you! I am right there with the maternity pants and feeling like a hefer!

And yes, I have also felt the Girls Next Door envy! That is why I plan to have my ass kicked by my friend who is a personal trainer, post baby. I want to look that good!!! Stupid girlfriends who have never had kids!!! Where is my F&*(ing stylist and hairdresser! I want one!

Jenners said...

Loved this post ... as I do all. But I also have to tell you that I saw a magazine ad that reminded me of your profile photo today and I was wondering if you've seen it? It is an ad for Abreva and it was on p.72 of the February 2 Us Weekly. I tried to find a link to the ad online but couldn't. The photo in the ad just reminded me of your profile photo.

Haasiegirl said...

hey hon, i cant find a button? Dont you have one for your site??

email me or something

trisha
momdot

April said...

holy good god you look good for just having squeezed out a kid!

Sam_I_am said...

I'm so looking forward to pregnancy ;-) haha

Teri said...

I have to admit that I have never used Thin Mints as a cold cushion. You crack me up. I can't stop laughing.

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