Sunday, January 25, 2009

Two unrelated topics that bug me in equally irrelevant ways

First off, I actually opted out of watching Big Love live tonight so that I could watch the circus that is the Josh Duggar wedding.

I am most amazed, not by the walking, long haired uterus of steel, but by the bride to be.

There are two types of people in this world. People who look like sluts on their wedding day (holla), and people who don't. Not that looking modest and wholesome on your wedding day is bad, but if I was marrying a kid who has probably been on the business end of many a Duggar family birthing video, I'd skank my way down the whole aisle just to show the Duggars there's a shiny new vagina in town.

Either way, she is a brave girl.

I mean, who wants to spend Christmas sitting around the fire, opening gifts of baby onsies and old tennis shoes, and home perming your hair with your 52 sister in laws?


Secondly...if you were stranded on an island, what three things would you take with you?

Worst fucking question ever.

Why do people ask this shit?

Seriously, I pity anyone who was stranded with me on a deserted island, and the last thing I would want with me is some kind of hot ass celebrity.

I would give myself 14 days until I start to look like that hairy Rupert guy from Survivor.

I mean, no shaving? Seriously, I would be a hot mess. Hairy everything, from my pits to my toes (um yeah, I said toes, and if you say you don't you're a fucking liar).

Come period time, I would be a 24 hour pending booty call to every monkey, tiger and wild beast within striking distance. Which would be an especially big problem once the 2 week contacts that I have had in since last July finally decide to give out, leaving me bind as a bat, and an open target.

And, you know in those old timey cartoons, where two guys are stranded on an island, and one starts to picture the other one as a giant turkey?

That would be me. And, it wouldn't even take that long for me to decide to eat you. That's how much of a pig I am.

55 comments:

jordan said...

if i was on a desert island, i think the only thing i would bring is a dessert island. if i was on a desert island with you...i'd probably let you have my dessert island, if only to prevent you from gorging yourself on my giant turkey ass.

Sarah Bellum said...

I'm never fucking traveling with you. Ever. Speaking of which, are you going to BlogHer this year?

Tenakim said...

well, you're a brave fucking pig- because I couldn't stand watching that Duggar family thing- I saw on my guide that it was on and threw up in my mouth!

second- yes- I won't deny toes.

Third- who asked that question? Was it at the Miss America Pageant last night (which your answer would have so cemented you a top 3 win!) or Guilianna DePandi during the SAG red carpet? I heard her ask 4 different celebs- who was your first crush on? What the fuck?

Threeboys1mommy said...

I can't wait to see what this baby factory produces.

kel said...

I don't think you'd picture me as a turkey....if you'd ever seen my ham hock thighs. Pig, yes? Turkey, not so much.

Renée aka Mekhismom said...

Okay I should have watched the show. Now I am going to have to catch it in reruns.And is this new addition expected to have a gillion kids too? And what is this business of no kissing b4 marriage? They live on an entirely different planet than I do. Of this I am convinced.

tamilyn said...

Hmmm, I don't get to catch much TV anymore due to working nights, so I'll check on-line to see if I can catch any Duggar action. What would I take to my deserted island? Um, my laptop with a solar charger to keep up on the blog world. An SPF 50-I'm alone, I know, but when they find me I don't want to look like leather and have melanoma. If I can't have my hubby there, I might need, ahem, a 'device' of some kind to keep me sane until he finds me. I'm not saying, I'm just saying-that is a long time alone and I don't want to find monkey love.

J.Danger said...

DAMMMMMMMMMMMMMIT! I forgot about the Duggar wedding!

The Mom said...

Did they really not ever kiss until "you may kiss the bride?" Did he use tongue? Incredible.

HOW are the women on Survivor not bloody messes after a month? Are they starving so bad it stops?

Right now i'm more worried about werewolves and vampires than cannibalistic friends! Damn Twilight series.

Swirl Girl said...

I don't have to worry the monthly crud...no action in that department for about two years already...that would leave me plenty of room to bring tons of cheetos.

Lee the MWOB Queen said...

I had no idea this Duggar wedding was happening and now I'm basically pissed that I missed it.

And holy shit lady - how you ramble so perfectly coherently with such randomness is beyond me....but I love it!

Aria said...

Ok, first things first, I've got first dibbs on monkeyspunk on the deserted island, which, technically wouldn't be deserted if we were on it, now would it.

Second, of course you've got fuzzy toes, we all do. And not shaving is how ya'd keep warm when the weather got all funky and started blowing cold wind even into the Tom Hanks hideout cave.

And the reason you'd be scary on a "deserted" island is not the hair, or anything physical... it would be because you'd have no computer~DUH! That'd make the mummy seem like a dream date.

And the reason New-ADULT-Duggar, had to clarify so no one thinks mama-super-vag is poppin out another one already, anyway... the reason that girl is brave, is cause once you come from a huge family like that, you think nothing of scaling down your own family to Oh, say, I dunno, 10 kids... Still, it's 10 kids! You can totally put on puppet shows with your labia after 6 or so... So yes, she's a brave girl... Josh'll have her poppin em out in no time... Now all we need is the wide world of sports commentary to see if she can break mama-super-vag's record...

LiteralDan said...

I think we could make it work as long as my three items were a straight razor, an elephant gun with many crates of ammo, and anti-PMS ear plugs.

Cheryl said...

Who the hell are the Dugars and why should I care :) Dude you could live on me for a hell of a long time!

AJ said...

You so know that the children of those newlyweds are going to have aunts and uncles younger than them. Poor kids.

Regardez Moi said...

I've been totally fascinated by the previews for that show - but I haven't actually watched it as I have no clue when its on. I'm sure they'll replay it a bajillion times and I'll catch it eventually. The one thing that stands out is I hear the boy say that he and his bride tp be have never kissed. Is that true!?!?

Also, if I were stranded on a desert island? I'd bring a boat.

Dana's Brain said...

Oh, the Dugger wedding. It took me a minute to even remember what that was. Only a minute though - which says a lot about me. (None of it good.)

I don't know - we've got some good skills, we could get all Gilligan's Island on our island. I could ride the stationary bike that heats the water in the hot tub at least!

Keli said...

I totally watched that freak show wedding, too. It was a train wreck. They look like freaking polygamists. Gross. And the way they threw that part of "let God decide when the children will come to your marriage..." Um, no thanks. IUD is a good enough decider of that, thankyouverymuch.

Shiny new vagina, that is pretty damn funny.

Philly said...

Oh the Duggars, they are an odd bunch , aren't they?
I started watching the episode before the wedding where Michelle is in labor. She is in labor and she has to make JimBob his breakfast. I would of shoved those fucking eggs up his ass, I tell ya.
Had to turn the wedding off.

#1

Tasha said...

"who wants to spend Christmas sitting around the fire, opening gifts of baby onsies and old tennis shoes, and home perming your hair with your 52 sister in laws?"


Bahahahaha! This is the best line I've eard all day!

CaJoh said...

My wife kept switching between the Duggar wedding and the Screen Actors Guild (SAG) awards so I got a bit lost (no pun intended).

Never want to answer the question of what I would want to bring with me. If it was a question of who, perhaps I would have Les Stroud and Bear Grill so I could actually survive.

Anonymous said...

So tell me, how does Josh Duggar drive a late model Saab 9-5? At least it looked like a Saab 9-5 to me on the show....

luv 2 cook said...

Ok, I admit it - they scare me! I wonder how you test drive for the good stuff if no kissing? If he doesn't kiss like a wide mouth bass on crack then he is probley terrified of sex after seeing all those babies pop outta his momma!

Swirl Girl said...

...and what Aria said
"You can totally put on puppet shows with your labia after 6 or so" had me literally spit out my coffee!!!!

Charity said...

Okay, I admit it, on watching the very Duggar wedding and the toe thing :) All I can say is ewww, on both accounts!

And while I am on a roll confessing, I totally just ate a corndog for lunch after taking a bite of my 2 year old's and deciding THAT was what I wanted for lunch too :)

Thanks for the laughs!

Allison said...

Regarding the wedding. I can NOT wrap my head around marrying someone that you have never kissed.

As far as being on an island. All I need somewhere to pee. Perhaps a bucket or something. ;)

Marie said...

What I'm still trying to figure out is HOW THEY STAYED THAT LONG WITHOUT KISSING EACH OTHER? Such questions haunt my mind.

Did you notice how he kept rubbing her hand? Plus it was like their hands were glued together or something.

I know, I'm being judgmental but I just had to be.

Dejoni said...

That's one sick, twisted family...almost as twisted as your mind! Where does this shit come from???
Love it.
BWAHAHAHA!

DetJessandalltherest said...

Oh, the Duggars. How could I have passed on watching a Duggar wedding!

Good to know I wasn't the only one watching every tortured moment.

sheilanewsom said...

Oh my heck! I love you and your blog!
I read it out loud in the student lounge at WSUTC...so yeah your famous in Washinton too!

Carolyn...Online said...

Dude, they have GOT to let you off the couch.

Laura said...

Seriously, if I ever get a lot of money I'm laser-hair-removing all hair from the waist down, then starting college funds for my children. (You've gotta prioritize your money.)
My husband and I were glued to that damn tv watching the fing Duggars. Is it weird that it kinda makes me want to have more babies?

Amanda said...

So watched the Duggar wedding thing. That girl is CRAZy, she is going to end up with 20 kids too. The whole not dating and not kissing till the wedding day. hmm
Bet the wedding night was pretty funny!

musing said...

Having your first mouth to mouth in front of your minister seems kind of creepy to me.

Sam_I_am said...

Okay, here's my beef with the Duggars, Little People, Big World and John and Kate. Go back 80 years, we used to have carnival side shows that included Little People and sets of multiples (along with bearded ladies, which may have been someone who spent 2 weeks on a deserted island) and they were ruled illegal because they were politically incorrect or whatever. But put them on tv and it's a modern day freak show. Next time I go to Barnum and Bailey's I expect to see the Elephant Man.

Lizzie said...

The Duggars are a huge pile of crazy wrapped up in with a bow of is this SERIOUSLY the way you live?? Good thing they're not my neighbors... they might burn me at the stake.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Should I be ashamed or proud that I have no idea who the Duggars are?

Either way, I think I am glad I don't.

Candice said...

What 3 things I'd take with me if I were stranded on a deserted island?

1. Manual Uribe- He's the heaviest man alive, weighing in at a whopping half ton. Actually, since he got married (yes, you read that right.. he's getting some ass)I think he's down to 700 pounds now. Regardless, I'd be able to survive off of his fat ass for at least 6 months or more.

2. My vibrator. I really don't think an explanation is necessary here. I'm on a deserted island for crying out loud. I've got nothing but time...

3. My ipod. I could repeatedly listen to Jay Z's I've got 99 problems and a bitch ain't one, and it would be totally relevant.

Love your blog by the way..

Teri said...

I watched the last part of the Duggar wedding. I just couldn't help it. The "differentness" was just calling out to me. It was.

Joy said...

Ok so I missed the whole Duggar wedding thing, but all I can think about is how much their wedding night totally sucked! I mean seriously they had never kissed, the real moment could have only lasted maybe 30 seconds.-wtf is wrong with these people

Tiffany said...

I absolutely LOVE your blog. You are hilarious! I've been following you for awhile, but this is my first comment. I was just laughing so hard over your last few posts that my husband came into the room to check on me! You are great! I'm not sure which one had me laughing harder... deserted island or your sir-bix!
Also, I'm with you completely about Olive Garden and Twilight. And I plan to make that Buffalo Chicken Soup this coming weekend. Thanks for the recipe!

Anissa Mayhew said...

It dawned on me, what kind of everlasting eternal condemnation would she garner should she be *gasp* barren or some such stuff? Do the Duggars believe in IVF? And do you think they'd get some awesomtabulous group discount considering they'd be trying for enough babies to finance a villa in the south of France for the lucky fertility specialist they saw? OH MY GOD! Invest in turkey basters!

Oh, and about BlogHer?? I might have to find another roommate...OR just store up on snacks in case I wake up to find you nibbling on my inner thigh in a not-sexy-girl-on-girl kind of way....with mustard.

HeyJoe said...

God you make me so hot.

April said...

i can't believe i missed the wedding. GAH.

Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

I have toe hair right now.

I is sizzlin' hot.

Cat said...

I cannot fucking BELIEVE I missed DVR'ing the Duggar Wedding episode. I've been waiting for that shit. Must learn to pay attention, or get a cable company that lets you record something more than 6 days out.

Anyhoodle, I'd do your hairy, blind, hott ass. But that's just me, I'm slutty like that.

MamaNeena said...

what cracked me up about the home perms is that they continued getting them because they thought the looked cool. wow.

Jamie said...

I am not a blogger. HOWEVER I have been voyeur~ing ARoss' blog for a while now, and finally decided to expand my (mind rotting, blog voyeur~ing, time sucking, gonna get me fired from work) addiction over to your lovely ‘Musings’. You bitches have me laughing my ass off. I even laughed out loud on the train this morning just THINKING about the crap you both spew. Thanks.

Jamie said...

Oh, and the sir-bix... my eyes are STILL watering.

Lamb said...

i can NOT imagine having my first kiss and losing my virginity on the same day. religion shouldn't work that way.

tamilyn said...

So I caught a replay this morning at 1 AM of the wedding-well, the last 35 minutes of it. I did come unhinged when the brides father was talking about how the man is basically the boss and the woman will follow his orders and that is the way God planned it and that plan works. WTF?! My Dad's side is Baptist and when my cousin got married and the minister said "will you promise to be subservient to your husband...." and the husband is my cousin, I also became unhinged. Of course, she really wears the pants in the family, but I almost got out of the pew and left. And the brides father stating that when "God turned water into wine it was really grape juice, and when they danced, well we never really think of that, that never comes into our minds". Apparently they can adjust the bible to fit their practices, but heaven forbit anyone else do it. Ugh-thank God I'm Lutheran-we are pretty liberal!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

I don't mind if a cartoon turkey appears in a thought bubble over your head if we're stranded together, but what I will NOT tolerate is a big sloppy drooling tongue slapping around your face as you develop that thought. Are we clear?

TattooedMinivanMom said...

What's the Duggar wedding thingy?

Spryte said...

Your hips don't like is gone =(

K said...

I agree about marrying into the Dugger family - it would make for some seriously freaky Christmas mornings. Would they look down on you if you only had 10 kids?