Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Me, raw.


Rough, I know. But honest. These days, this is me. Ok, kinda a blurry dirty mirror kind of me, but me none the less. Snarly hair. Black yoga pants. Tank Tops. This is as good as it gets, folks. Poor husband. I have already given him my complete permission to call Stacy and Clinton of What Not to Wear the second the head crowns...as long as he promises no secret footage of my huge ass or upshots of my double chin.

In other news.

1. I just found an open, half eaten stick of cherry Laffy Taffy in the bottom of my purse. It was old, and there was a piece of hair and a tic tac stuck to it. I ate it anyways.

2. Olive Garden is a big fat liar. The commercial says to come in for a yummy lunch of unlimited soup, salad and bread sticks, but it's a trick. Once they give you your first helping, they then disappear for the remainder of your meal, until you have given up all hopes of getting a second helping of anything, and just want your check so you can eat the chocolate mint things in the hopes your tummy doesn't growl the whole way home.

3. In honor of the inauguration, I made some patriotic cupcakes. I am allowed to eat them all because they are historic and covered in freedom sprinkles.

4. Today is also get rid of Bush Day....literally...I have a waxing appointment in two hours.

5. I refuse to read the book Twilight. At first there was a bunch of us non readers. Then slowly they have been breaking rank, jonesing for their next book fix like crack addicts, but I refuse. If we are all going to read teen lit, why can't it be something bad ass like The Boxcar Children...where is that cult following? Who doesn't want to live in a boxcar with your siblings? Kinda like Flowers in the Attic...but in a boxcar. How is that not hot?

Plus Robert Pattinson looks like my cousin Scott who used to kiss his cat on the mouth.

And, I just can't get into that.

76 comments:

JennDZ - The Leftover Queen said...

YAYAYYAYYAYAYAYAY!!!! :)

Leslie said...

Hahaha, get rid of Bush day, that's awesome! I haven't read Twilight either....and I'm refusing to give in too!

Evolving Mommy Catherine said...

I was thinking about making some "inauguration cookies." Maybe because they are historic my husband won't give me that look...you know the look that says something like "I love you but do you really need that cookie?"

The Mom said...

LMAO omg the hairy laffy taffy! The bush comment, Twilight...because you know i drank the koolaid and want my husband to turn into a vampire!

Keep the pic up, you look hot and so maternal!

Tenakim said...

Get rid of Bush day- too funny- I don't think I 'groomed" myself like that EVER when I was pregnant- you really are an overachiever!

The Twilight thing- I think it may be just me and you left! I'm the same way...I hate reading- I think Sweet Valley High is the last book I read without pictures and board pages.

Miss Yvonne said...

Olive Garden is such a bitch. They do that to me every time.

Your picture is cute! I wear yoga pants and tank tops too, but I'm not pregnant. At least you have an excuse besides "Hey, I'm fat and zippers are binding."

Average Girl In Average World said...

You+Raw=HAWT Baby!!!!

I would have ate that laffy taffy too. 5 second rule my ass....lol..

Flowers in the Attic? A GF and I read the EVERY VC Andrews book published. I really thought I was weird for knowing her... so thanks...I guess.

No Twilight here, vampires do NOTHING for me.

Average Girl In Average World said...

BTW - When are you due again?

Halftime Lessons said...

omg you're nuts...youre so hot its insane. (relax mr barefoot, I'm harmless.)

have fun at your waxing...i hope she's hot too...it helps my mental imagery to think of it that way...

and no Brazilians...that's just butchery.

Lizzie said...

Cat kissing or not, I would like to meet your cousin Scott.

Oh, and you look beautiful :).

AJ said...

If I'm gonna read teen lit, it's totally gonna be the Gossip Girl books!

I love the bush pun, too:)

alanna rose said...

I still haven't read Twilight, and I won't. My teenage cousins are all over it - they make shirts and go to the book release parties. Sick.

I would much rather be obsessed with Little Debbie Snack Cakes.

Alfred said...

YOU....are gourgeous, and your musings, as usual, quite hilarious.

Island Travel Girl said...

I didn't even think about the Get Rid of Bush angle - but I am taking your lead. I have passed on your message of hope to my readers, and will make my waxing appt immejiately.
xo

HappyHourSue said...

C'mon, man......what're you scared? All the kids are reading Twilight........just try a page.........


and your photo? FIERCE. Seriously - Just all-out, BAM! What's UP. Truth is sexy.

That being said, I'm eternally grateful that my pregnancies were in the days of the Lucy Ricardo tent-tops.

J.Danger said...

oh you make me feel normal! But how in the hello can you get waxed right now? Doesn't it hurt even more? I am scared, so so scared.

GOOD LUCK!

jordan said...

i love boxcar children. it is, in a word or two, the shit.

Swirl Girl said...

re: #4 - oooowwwwweeeeeee!
why bother?

Goldfish said...

Every time I find someone else who's not reading Twilight, I have to comment. Is there a Facebook group for us or something? Cause I'd totally join it.

Heather said...

I will firmly stay by your side in never reading Twilight. Those books are thinly-veiled abstinence training for young people, and should be abolished.

CaJoh said...

My wife encouraged the bakers where she worked to make some "presidential-seal" cookies which are seal shaped cookies with red white and blue on them. They're selling like hot-cakes at the bakery she's at… she's so clever.

Lindsay said...

i'll join the not reading twilight movement.

Ashleigh said...

I refuse to join the crazed Twilight fans. You're right, the Boxcar Children are what we need to start a club for.

You look fierce in your picture. At least you have pants on, most days I don't even get around to putting those on.

Keli said...

What every good Bush needs, a little waxy waxy.

You look great, btw. I never would have snapped a picture of me that pregnant.

Gina said...

Funniest blog post...ever. I love funny blogs, but they rarely make me laugh out loud. Yours did, several times. And I think you look beautiful....but I remember how disgusting I felt at the end of your pregnancy and rolled my eyes at the people telling me how cute I looked so feel free to do the same.

Dejoni said...

I see this picture and all I think of is "Work it...work it."
Your a glamour puss!

Dana's Brain said...

I also refuse to read Twilight. And I refuse to eat at Olive Garden just on principle.

You are a total pregnant babe, don't let anyone tell you different!

Cheryl said...

There is nothing more beautiful than a pregnant tummy and no I am not a lesbian! I double dog dare you to read Twilight, I am 44 years old and I was instantly hooked, saw the movie yesterday, **sigh**

Allison said...

I will never read Twilight.

However, you just brought back serious 7th grade memories. I read Flowers in the Attic and thought it was the most scandalous thing ever. I mean, sleeping with your brother in an attic. That's about all I remember. I have issues.

little.lamb said...

omg. boxcar children. bloody fucking hell. i was ALL over that series.

michelle said...

Hang in there, mama. Anyone who photos herself and waxes at this stage in pregnancy is liek the BRAVEST person IN THE WORLD!!!!!

Andi said...

What a freakin relief to hear that I'm not the only one who doesn't get the whole Twilight thing. Between you and me (and anyone who reads this), I think the people who like the books are unsatisfied at home, ifyouknowwhatImean, and need to fantasize about doing it with scrawny bloodthirsty teenage boys. Ugh. So really, if that's what it takes for some women to feel satisfied with their otherwise depressing lives, god bless 'em, right?

Jen Duffy said...

Dude, those Twilight books made me gag. I read a couple for a friend who is a high school English teacher. She wanted to make sure she wasn't the only one that thought they sucked. They do. Read David Sedaris stuff instead. It's dirtier and funnier and less 'pure.' (The main character is a total damsel in distress. Gag.)

Lee the MWOB Queen said...

You're always raw lady - that's why I love ya.

Pic is gorgeous - maybe you're not seeing it. It's true.

"Freedom sprinkles" - I'm stealing that idea - great excuse to devour any baked yummies on any occasion 'cause who can argue with being patriotic??

Happy New President Day!

Sam_I_am said...

Your incubating a kid, you don't have to do your hair. I'd probably have to be cut off the couch :-)

jill jill bo bill said...

I think Rob Pattinson is ugly as hell and I would not be suprised if HE didn't do other things to cats. But the book IS good. I have to go listen to the Jonas Bros and paint my nails glitter blue. Peace out.

Michelle said...

Hilarious!

Jenni Jiggety said...

I think you look terrific!

On and the baby wants you to read Twilight. And to stop eating linty Laffy Taffy.

Temple said...

Love it! [putting cig down to type..] So glad to know I am not the only one on to the whole Olive Garden "scam". And you look RADIANT!!!

queenofquirky.com said...

Love the hair.

Hate the Bush.

It's not you. It's him. Your hair is hot.

Threeboys1mommy said...

I can kiss you on the mouth for speaking out against Twilight, so sick of reading about, people reading it. LAME!

You look beautiful darling! When are you going to share your address so we can send your baby girl something nice?

Momisodes said...

Oh how I've missed your posts.

You look gorgeous! But I will admit that I'm totally jealous. Tank tops?!?!

I wish.

It's so freaking cold here, I need to keep my bush to stay warm.

Leah said...

I love "get rid of bush day"...great!!!

Sarah Bellum said...

I read two chapters of that dreadful book, not because I wanted to but because every time I bitched about how horrible the book was people pointed out that I'd never even read it. I can now tell them how bad it is WITH authority.

Also, I was obsessed with The Boxcar Children. So much that I tried to force my brothers to run away to a train with me. That stopped cold when they reminded me that bums live on trains.

Also, also I'm pissed at you because I just wrote a novella as a comment. AND if I'm going to write this much I want to get paid for it. Or laid.

LiteralDan said...

First of all, you look great as usual, though I think I see a taffy-covered piece of hair stuck in your teeth.

Secondly, I will grab my bindle and picket my local movie theaters until someone makes a Boxcar Children movie.

Thirdly, I think you just scored your cousin Scott all the female attention he could ever need. He'll just need to make a slight transition in his feline attentions.

Ida said...

At first, I wanted to read twilight because a magazine review said it was awesome. It failed to mention it was teenage soft porn. I'm not opposed to soft porn. But there are enough adult books I'm not reading. So, I'm in the refusing to read it club.
I saw the new Scrubs episodes, and there is a new chick I think could be your non-pregnant twin. Am I the only one who thinks callous doctor looks like B?

Vodka Mom said...

oh sweet jesus, that was FUNNY!!!!!


However, I allow NO ONE to go near the bush. Well, almost no one.

Carolyn...Online said...

Freedom sprinkles. Awesome.

Winston said...

I also refuse to read the Twilight books for fear of turning into a 14 year old girl.

Annie said...

Not readin'it,either.
Hope the bush-be-gone was quick and painless!
I ate 6 cupcakes in days last week.

Elisa said...

I'm sorry, all I could retain from that post was "cupcakes" (of course). I'm still shocked - your boobs are HUGE!

Heck, mine are too, but I've always had big boobs :-)

Why am I talking about boobs? I think I've been reading too much Tanis and Lotus.

Aria said...

Oh, thank God! I am so happy to not be the only non-Twilight hold-out. And besides the cousin-look-alike thing... Robert Pattinson is like TWELVE isn't he? ...not goin' to jail for some eye-candy that isn't even old enough to know what the hell he's doing when I get him home.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

LMFAO

"Today is also get rid of Bush Day....literally...I have a waxing appointment in two hours."

I wish I had remembered to honor the former president by scheduling a bikini wax. You are always thinking Britney!

Oh, and I think you look beautiful ;)

American in Norway said...

OMG...I LOVED the
"Box Car Children!" seriously!

Jennifer, Playgroups Are No Place For Children said...

"Get rid of Bush day," DAMN! Why didn't I think of that?

You are missing NOTHING with Twilight. That books sucks jackalope testicles.

Teri said...

Freedom sprinkles? I'm loving it. For Valentine's Day, will it be cupcakes sprinkled with chocolate angel kisses? I'm going with that one.

Spryte said...

Your blog totally cracks me up and I look forward to it every day!

I have given you an award... you can pick it up here...

http://sprytesplace.blogspot.com/2009/01/award-blush.html

Liz said...

Hilarious! I am with you on the Boxcar Children...Can't remember when I read that---wanna say the 4th or 5th grade, but my son had it read to him this year and he is in first grade...hmmmm...how long until he really knows more than me?
liz

ToRi and cReW said...

You seriously make me laugh! I love to read your blog even though we don't know each other. Promise I am not a stalker freak.
Just a person who has a very boring job and enjoy your blog. I wish that i could write like you, for 1. I am not that talented and 2. I live in this god-forsaken Mormon place that would shit a brick if I typed the actual language that comes out of my mouth.

Amanda said...

Ohh I didn't like the end of my second pregnancy at all.
The doctor asked me a few month in if I wanted to set a date and be induced. Like an IDIOT I said no, I want him to be born when he is ready......fast forward to week 40 of being pregnant. Me in the doctors office CRYING and BEGGING her to find some way to squeeze me in the next week to be induced!
Luckily he was born the next day (and on his own time)!

Anissa Mayhew said...

GIRL!! Teh boobs...I know there were words and shit in this post but all I take away from it was BOOBS! Are you SURE you can't bring those to BlogHer? Cause you make me all like a fifteen year old boy, I just want to put your bra on my head, yo.

Love you!

Scary Mommy said...

You look AWESOME!!! And, I have been known to eat hair/lint/godknowswhat covered crap from my purse too. And I refuse to get into Twilight, on principle alone.

Regardez Moi said...

I won't read Twilight either. It's doesn't interest me in the least. I tried to read the Harry Potter books else be shunned by society but I couldn't because... they're written for kids! Come on! However, I did love me some Flowers in the Attic when I was a teenager.

Raging Dad said...

Oh man, my wife totally got sucked into Twilight. She's like, read 'em twice now.

But hey, you're rockin' the hot preg mommy look. Good for you!

Lo said...

I always wanted to be YOU when I grew up. You kick butt, honey!

Brooke said...

That picture of you is so HOT.

And dude, I still don't even know what Twilight is. What the hell is it?

Aubrey said...

You are a great looking preggers lady! And those knockers?!?! I'm jealous!

Don't do it. Don't get sucked into Twilight. I did. Loved the first 3 books and the 4th, disappointing. I haven't even finished it...3 months later.

Sarah Bellum said...

Since you finally know how to make girl babies can you bake me one when this one is done?

I'll pay you in vodka and chocolate.

April said...

you look fantastic! i'm totally jealous of your bump :-)

and, ew, with the cat kissing thing.

Linda S said...

lmao at the Bush comment...geez you have a cousin that looks like Edward? Damn, that's hot...

Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

Thank GOD there is another Twilight resister left. I thought I was all alone.

Jenners said...

I still think you are cute. You look better than me on most days. I am not kidding.

And I'm wavering over the Twilight crap. I see it everywhere, so many bloggers I like are reading it. I just want to know "Have you ever heard of Anne Rice anyone? Anyone?"

And I'd so forgotten about Flowers in the Attic. I was obsessed with that book when I was in grade school (I think). It creeped me out beyond words. I never looked at powdered donuts the same again. I should reread that just to see how bad it really is.

Mommie Mayhem said...

You look great ! I wish I looked that good after 2 kids!

Aria said...

Ohhhh and I forgot to tell you last time I was here... the way to get served all you can eat at Olive Garden, is every time your bowl is empty, pick it up, and walk into the kitchen shouting, "does anybody work here for fuck'sake"

I get great service at Olive Garden now...

Jamie said...

I want to go back in time one week and one day so I can jump on the 'goodbye to bush' train that you were on. LOVES IT!

And I did read the Twilight book, my teacher friend insisted on it. I read it. I hated it. I refuse to read more, or watch any of the movies. Dumb teenage soft porn cult.

Oh, and I never read Box Car Children. Sounds right up my alley. Think I will go pick 'em up tonight.

Oh, and 'Freedom Sprinkles'? WTF? Where do you come up with this shit?

Julie said...

Twilight is just like crack. Don't even start. Cause after you read that last book you need a fix and there's nothing you can do about it. BTW...what's your cousin Scott's number?