Friday, January 16, 2009

How I earned 4 more weeks of bed rest, aka, why your kids should never be in a position to look inside your vagina.

First off, thanks to all of you who said such nice things (and even sent wonderful emails, CaJoh!)in regards to my husband being laid off. Unfortunately, it's not an uncommon occurrence these days, especially in my area. We are lucky, in that he hasn't lost his job, but is off work for a few months in response to the auto plant his company works for being laid off. It's tough, and it completely sucks, but I am just relieved and hopeful that he has a job, nay a new promotion, to return to...someday.

Moving on, I had a wonderful morning of getting ready for my twice rescheduled, totally can't cancel this time, OBGYN bed rest re-check while my kids played downstairs with daddy. I got dressed, all by myself, like the childless people do! I even thought my husband had started my car for me, until he popped in to tell me he was running into work for some random mandatory meeting that he totally didn't write down on fridge calendar because he is a selfish, selfish jerkface.

Side note: the best part is when he looked at me with his duh, you should totally know about this meeting face when he has literally spent the past month in his boxers, playing video games. Which, I totally haven't complained about until now because is takes the pressure off me to put pants on and/or wash daily, but come on! Two kids alone with me at the OBGYN!?

In the long line of things I would never take small children to: funerals, R-rated movies, orgies, going to the OBGYN ranks right up there with the best of them.

Holy. Fuck.

Two boys, one mom and a mid-afternoon appointment, which totally means a packed waiting room and a long wait. One I previously planned to spend reading a non-picture book and playing Tetris on my phone. Damn.

The thing is, an OBGYN waiting room is really a mixed bag. I had to have a plan. My goal was to wedge myself somewhere near a group of first time preggos who are still operating in a fog of all kids are lovely, and the post menopausals who keep grandchildren candy in there purses. Get too near the tired 3rd time pregnant moms, or the dads who are just there to hold a purse...and things could get loud.

Thankfully, our wait was only 20 minutes, and the next part should be a breeze, because, hey it was just a BP check, an update on my cramping, and Bob's your uncle, we should be out of there and in line at the Arby's drive through for a milkshake and fries in no time.

Nurse: How are you feeling?
Me: Oh, sooo much bett- sit down right now- er. Ahem, yes, better.
Nurse: And the cramping?
Me: Almost gone completely, I have really...hold on, let me just grab that tube of cervical jelly really quick and put it up on the high counter here next to the speculum that looks surprisingly just like a super fun duck's beak that he is going to put in his mouth in 3, 2, 1....got it. Ok, where was I, yeah, been taking it easy, cramps have lessened.
Nurse: Ok, well, lets just check your blood pressure really quick.
Me: Please, for the love of God, play with your cars and leave the gigantic cotton swabs alone!
Nurse: Welll...it's still pretty high.
Me: Wonderful.

Then, because clearly Jesus adores me, she had me undress from the waist down for a quick check, which is awesome because, fuck, what's better than running around trying to keep two toddlers away from the plastic model of fallopian tubes and the wall of STD pamphlets, than doing it all...um...naked from the fucking waist down!?

Sweet. Bring on the butt sweat and scrambling around while trying to keep the napkin size paper blanket over my hoo-ha.

And of course, what's more appropriate than for your 1 year old to take off his pants and diaper while you are trapped with your feet 10 feet in the air, because if mommy gets to be pantless, then god dammit, he should too. And, your 2 year old, just to solidify the extensive rounds of therapy in his future, spent the entire exam trying to peak at just what the crap was going on at the end of the table, and why the doctor and I were allowed to play with the duck beak, when he was told otherwise, and what the hell is a "sir-bix," and why can't we open that bitch up and see what happens.

Turns out...my sir-bix was closed...and high...like my blood pressure.

It was a fun day.

I ate lots of fries.

49 comments:

MamaNeena said...

Your husband soooo owes you for this one!

Threeboys1mommy said...

WHAT.A.JERKFACE! (she said it not me Mr. Foodie) So sorry you had to go through that.

HeyJoe said...

Lovely. That's why I always stayed in the waiting room with the purse.

Judy@nofearentertaining said...

Ack!!!! I had to do this over the summer with my 6 and 8 year old daughters. Just my yearly but still!!! Also had and hour wait in the waiting room first so my youngest was just out of control and very, very curious!!!

AJ said...

OMG! Hilarious! Sorry about the bedrest though:(

The Mom said...

Oh man your hubby owes you big! But hey maybe your older son will become a successful Ob/Gyn now after learning so much at your appointment! LOL Sir Bix!

At least you're past the vaginal ultrasound, and explaining why they're putting a condom on a stick and ...well you know.

Tuesday Girl said...

I had to bring my b/g twins to MANY a OB appointment, including one where I was told I was miscarrying triplets.

Fun times.

Average Girl In Average World said...

Well at least your sir-bix is where it should be.

hubs better remember payback......

Leah said...

I have tears rolling down my face. Thank you so much for writing this today. I have had a super shitty day and this totally made my day.

CaJoh said...

So glad that it's just the plant being closed. I had a job like that which sucked because I came back to it in college over winter break only to find out that the plant would be closed for 4 weeks out of my 1 month vacation.

Love the "if mommy does it, I'm doing it too" mentality of your 1 year old… but don't they always look for an excuse to be naked anyway.

Sarah G :) said...

I followed a link to your blog and before I even knew what hit me I was laughing my way right into a puddle of pee. (one of those awesome things that happens when you so much as hiccup after delivering a baby, right?)
Thanks for this refreshingly hilarious afternoon pick-me-up. :)

queenofquirky.com said...

Nice. I hope you got fries of a curly variety.

queenofquirky.com said...

Nice. I hope you got fries of a curly variety.

Natalie said...

i had to bring my three kids to one of the last ob appts. i had with my fourth. they ended up checking my cervix. the nurse tried to distract my kids, but they weren't having any of that! they didn't say a word until the doctor and nurse left and then my 3 1/2 year old who always gave me privacy in the bathroom said, "i saw your bottom." my response? "so what, i see yours all the time." he was so disappointed in my obvious lack of concern for being naked in front of him. made me laugh.

hope the shake and fries were delicious! i'm kinda craving some now!

Aria said...

O M G... What did you do that pissed off the universe THAT MUCH? cause I so totally don't want to ever do it...ever, ever. I was gonna say, on the plus side, you didn't have to go through what I blogged about, but...Ummmm, no, you so totally have me beat....
You need fries, cheesecake, chex-mix and chocolate, and more fries, and Chinese food...

Stacey said...

LMAO!!! Oh my gosh, I heart your OB stories : ) "sir bix" Love it!!

CoffeeJitters (Judy Haley) said...

It's so cruel that they wont let us have wine while pregnant. A day like this deserves a whole bottle.

have a doughnut and a milkshake with those fries

Jo-Jo said...

I had to take Riley, who was one at the time, to ALL of my OBGYN appts when I was prego with Cayden. Maybe if I was a blogger then I would have funny posts too. Nah. Your one in a million! Bring that BP down girl!

April said...

been there... and when my 9mo dropped his pacifier on the floor (keep in mind, please, that my appts are at a teaching hospital, not just your run of the mill OB), the doc PICKED IT UP AND PUT IT BACK IN HIS MOUTH! but WAIT, my 2yo then dropped his pretzels and sat down and ate them off the floor.

all while i was laying with my ankles in the air, only to be told that, no, i do not have a yeast infection, i just need to use more lube when having sex. awesome. and then i got a 20 minute 'how to' lesson from a 75 year old OB.

oops, i think this blog is supposed to be about you. so, ya know... sorry for your loss or some shit.

;-)

Dana's Brain said...

Oh, honey. I am SO sorry you had to go through that. Did it at least occur to you while your feet were in the air that you were going to have an awesome episode to blog about?

I live in fear of having to take my either one of my kids to an OBGYN appt. Which, considering I am overdue for, is probably going to happen.

Tony said...

OMG - Duck beak? My stomach hurts from laughing. Not at you mind you , but the awesome skill you have of putting these real life events into such hilarity. I too am glad to hear that hopefully hubby will have to actually wear pants again and have a job to go to.

Jenni Jiggety said...

Bedrest actually sounds pretty good to me...but my kids are old enough to take care of themselves AND bring me snacks...

jill jill bo bill said...

Start them young. That's my philosophy. maybe now in 12 years they won't be curious to see what they are missing.

Marie said...

Maybe start training the kids to bring you stuff? Just a thought. ;)

And the mister owes you!

Traci said...

Oh that was funny. I cried.

You poor thing. I can't manage my ONE kid... so I can't imagine having to control 2, and being that pg on top of it all! OMG, you poor thing.

Hubby.... Step UP! Give her a freaking break!

Elisa said...

Oh, you DO deserve a lot of fries! And a cupcake. Or two. In fact, just for pulling this fun trick your hubby should vow to bring freshly baked and iced cupcakes to your bedside daily. Just to make the bedrest more bearable, ya know.

Charity said...

Yeah ser-bix, boo blood pressure.

Oh, and that soup below looks soooo good, must try it, like immediately!

Happy bedresting!

Lee the MWOB Queen said...

Holy shit - I'm with you with the whole chasing the toddler around while holding a paper napkin in front ya while naked and then the door flings open for the doc to come in and as he enters some innocent patient passerby walking behind him in the hallway gets a glimpse of the nakedness and the lunacy going on in the room....

oh yeah, I love that too. Yikes.

Brittany said...

You deserve a variable cornicopia of deep fried foodstuffs, served on a silver platter after that bullshit.
(since you can't do the shot of bourbon just now)

Jay @halftime lessons said...

My wife would superglue my penis to a moving vehicle before she let me stick her like that.

Sorry, kiddo. Hang in there.

Mommie Mayhem said...

LOL I once had to bring all three boys to my obgyn . They pushed the alarm button .. 3 or 5 times . It was total Mayhem!!

Not Just Any Jen said...

Oh, Brittany, I am just catching up here and I am so sorry that you are on bed rest and about your hubby's job. I am sure it will all work out soon enough.

I am pretty sure that I've already told you that I have experienced this exact OB appt. Goes with the territory of having all those kids. So traumatic, but it all gets better, or maybe we just get used to it.

Best wishes!
Jen

Temple said...

Holy crap! Shouldn't they have like assistant nurses in training or something to deal with the kiddos?

J.Danger said...

Oh I am so sorry! I would have just rescheduled anyway...what a hassle. At least he still has meetings to go to! Thats a plus.

I think I would go crazy if my husband was home with me. All day every day. Yikes.

Laura said...

Hang in there! Sorry for more bed rest, but that was hilarious!

Michelle said...

That doesn't sound fun but at least you made it out alive. Do you have a double stroller? I love baby/toddler containment devices. I had to take Baby Boy and FiFi to the doctor with me Friday and he sat so nice in his stroller and almost didn't melt down as long as I distracted him with my keys and cell phone and other inapprioriate things but hey you have got to do what you've got to do.

Sam_I_am said...

hmmmm. wonder why your bp was high? Hope all else is going well.

Anonymous said...

There are some things I don't wanna know

GreenRanchingMom said...

LOVE IT! Sorry, but really is it funny yet? It will be in a year or so. Hope your sir-bix stays good for you.

Aria said...

And, on the plus side... of the whole bed rest thing... you've got two awards waiting for you on Aria'z Ink... It can't possibly make up for duck-beaks and sir-bix watching, but ya know, I do what I can...

How to Party with an Infant said...

The fries were so deserved.

Raging Dad said...

Oh man, that is bruutal. Just figure, your future therapy bills are already so high, what's another couple of years?! :)

Tenakim said...

during my 4th pregnancy, I was babysitting a 1 yr old- I brought 4 with me- one child that got to see all the goods wasn't even mine!

Sir Bix... is he at the inaugruation?

Rachel said...

Lol . . . glad you got to eat (lots of) fries. At least you had that in your day.

jordan :) said...

you are HEY-LARIOUS. :)

Swirl Girl said...

My husband acted the same way as your toddlers...but he never got over it.

Joy said...

OMG I am in tear over here.

I unfortunatly have had that same exoerience with my son while VERY pregnant with #2.

jen said...

COULDN'T MISS THE OPPORTUNITY TO MENTION MY FIRST--AND ONLY--VISIT TO THE GYNO WITH MY 2 YEAR OLD SON. WHILE THE DUCK BEAK WAS DOING ITS THING, HE DECIDED IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO POKE HIS LITTLE, UNCLIPPED NAILY FINGER WHERE THE SUN DOESN'T SHINE.

NICE.

Sarah said...

Who was the genius who knighted Sir Bix anyway? I have only ever had to take a child with me once and she was 6 weeks old, sound asleep and I still turned her seat around. Never! I will reschedule 17 times before I pull that.