Thursday, February 12, 2009

Signs of the Apocalypse.

Oh man.

I should have known I was in for a bad run when Tatiana Del Toro made it into the Top 36 last night, a blur of fuchsia lipstick, runny mascara, a hyena laugh, and sausage arms.

Plus, I noticed that my stairs have started creaking every time I ran up them yesterday.

Big fat cow? Check!

Anywhore.

I came home from a night of pineapple and green pepper pizza at my parents to find my house freezing.

I went down to the basement to check on the shiny new furnace we sold a kidney for last year, and by check on, I mean, see if it was making any noise, and then maybe poke it with the rusty screwdriver I left in the corner down there from when I threw it at what I thought was a giant bat with rabies, but totally turned out to be a black strapless bra.

Turns out...not ok.

2 feet of water.

Sump pump...no visable signs of life.

Baby swing, Baby bouncer, all baby paraphernalia...at the bottom of a murky brown lake, next to the skinny pictures of me from high school and the Ron Popeil Rotisserie.

Black strapless bra...quietly floating into the night, like One Eyed Willy's pirate ship at the end of Goonies.

Mother fucker.

So, after addressing that issue for a few hours by sitting on the steps sobbing into my leftover box of cashew chicken, muttering words like "priceless" and "irreplaceable" and "fuck" while my husband and dad sucked out water, I went upstairs at 1am to check on my sleeping boys, only to be greeted by a two year old covered in vomit.

Which made me puke, because I am a total sympathy puker, and that's how we roll.

So once that issue was cleaned up, we all fell asleep crying in our bed. My son because he felt like shit. Me because I no longer had any photographic proof of how hot my boobs were in high school.

So, I woke up this morning ready to face the day. A day of doctor appointments, and rubber boots.

But, all is not lost, folks, because I also come bearing wonderful news.

Starting Saturday, Valentine's Day, I am having a giveaway.

A wonderfully dirty and scandalous giveaway.

And, if that isn't hotter than the thought of me waddling up and down creaky stairs in knee high rubber boots, I don't know what the hell is.

64 comments:

Gwen said...

Sorry about your flooded memories. :( The same thing happened to us a few years ago. Everything - gone. Eh. Sucks.

Average Girl In Average World said...

Oh My. Sorry for the loss and the throw up and your waddling ass (I guess).. Just think, it can only get better from here right?

Sara said...

Now I know we're related. I should've asked for a fucking raft for Chrsitmas, or at least started building an ark in our basement. I know, I can use the leftover wood from the fence that the hurricane-like winds insist on destroying the day after I fix it. For the third time.

Jen said...

What the hell did you do to the karma gods??? I mean that is just more than one person should have to deal with. Hears to hoping it gets better soon since you can't really dull the pain with alcohol.

Dejoni said...

There is nothing worse than a bad sump pump. I think my punishment in hell will be pumping out water out of my basement for all eternity...
So sorry for your loss of hot youthful ta-ta pic's!
I am excited about the giveaway! Can't wait to see what kind of trashy stuff your giving away. Vibrator? Liberator?

CaJoh said...

Oh I'm a sympathy puker as well— especially when the dog pukes I can't help but urp a bit.

So sorry about your basement.

AJ said...

We had this happen 3 times (and we had 3 sump pumps...we're in a flood zone). The second time we put in a new sump pump and thought we were good, the third time, the power was out so the new sump pump had stopped working. After the third time, we invested in the "Watch Dog" battery operated back up sump-pump. So we now have 2 sump pumps and a battery back up. If that bitch floods again, I'm out. We also put everything in plastic bins after the first time, so we didn't have to trash nearly as much stuff the 2nd and 3rd time around.

Allison said...

Awww...at least you had your bbs to snuggle with. And a kickass giveaway. I like when you say scandalous and whore.

Regardez Moi said...

ah man what a shittart of day you had.

and, can i use 'anywhore'? because that there is some funny shit.

beth said...

I sincerely hope the ole saying, "bad things happen in threes" doesn't hold true.

jill jill bo bill said...

You say nothing to MIL about disemboweling herself on your rug and you get this? I would be writing letters to the Karma reps!
I totally agree with the anti-Tatiana feelings as well as the hating the loss of perky boob proof. I can't wait til your give-away, unless it's the rug, the black strapless bra, or the chinese leftovers. And I am pretty sure you won't be parting with the rubber boots.

Tiffany @ Lattes And Life said...

Oh mah Lord, what a night. I'm so sorry you lost so much in all that water. I've gone through a flood or two in my time, and it's heart breaking.

Hope everyone's feeling better today!

Tiffany said...

You write the best posts! I love how you just write it like you would say it!
And good grief... you had one shitty day! Here's to hoping that today will be better. When I drink my bottle of wine tonight, I'll toast to you!

Aria said...

Oh, woman, I have lost all my stuff, my memory box, my signed books, and ALL my pictures/daughter's infant stuffed animals, etc (thanks financially-irresponsible-drug-addicted-ex-husband for not paying the storage unit and lying about it!) You will survive ~ it' totally SUCKS BIG FAT DONKEY ROCKS, but you'll survive. Sorry your munchkin is sickie-icky hope he feels better soon. Looking forward to the giveaway, cause I've turned into a swag whore in like the last week, so count me in if I've got a shot at winning anything...

Leah said...

aw sorry about all the ruined stuff. I know the pictures can't be replaced, but just think, now you can go out and buy cutesy girly baby stuff for your new arrival!

michelle said...

So sorry about the "stuff" situation, the sympathy vomit, and dealing with the sick kids. On a positive note, your new Indian name (cause I don't do the whole PC thing opf Native American) can be "She-with-fat-ass-that-makes-stairs-creak" and you can go all native now.

Wait, that doesn't sound positive, but there has to be some benefits, like reservation gambling and minority applications for funding and colleges and what not for the kids, right?

The Mom Jen said...

That sucks!! Remind me to transfer all evidence I once had a flat stomach to the attic!

Can't wait for the giveaway, MEOW!

Cheryl said...

Shit oh dear you poor thing. Sorry to hear that, but you had me laughing about it, and it is all about me!

Tenakim said...

The same thing happened to me about a year ago- the casualty? My wedding dress. I was hoping to get skinny and use it for my next wedding, but nope!

Tuesday Girl said...

That blows. Seriously.
I feel for you.

April said...

oooh, i bet i know who's sponsoring :-D

How to Party with an Infant said...

oh god, a sympathy puker? Bummer. I'm a sympathy drinker--more fun.
Way to keep truckin'

alanna rose said...

That sucks big time!

I think you deserve an entire pineapple and green pepper pizza :)

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

I'm pretty sure I know what the gieaway is, cause I think I am doing the same one in a couple of weeks! Can't wait!!

So sorry to hear about the puke and water! What a terrible night :(

Mia Watts said...

When you say "check on" the kids, did you prode with same screwdriver? Little humans spewing would reduce me to retching as well.

Fuck about the basement. Will have to pop out more babies for shower goodies. No replacement for photos. Sue the water-gods.

Swirl Girl said...

And I thought my week was a hassle. Two kids, 17 boxes of tissue each, more snot and phlegm than humanly possible given their size and relative body mass....and the worst part of this whole week? No School for them.

BTW - sympathy puker is classic.

tamilyn said...

Flooding basements suck, oh wait, guess not or they would fill with water! Our septic backed up twice-almost as bad as your MIL voiding on the livingroom. Thankfully it didn't reach to where our important stuff if-which I did move just to make sure in case any more flooding would occur. Of course, I didn't have pert titties until I had a reduction 10 years ago, so all those photos of my youth only show a 'plump' girl with big(ger) boobs, no flat stomach ever and a bad perm.

Talk to family-maybe they have some photos you could get copies made of? Not the same as your originals, but it may ease the pain.

I just puked in my mouth reading about your puke incident-ugh.

I'll drink to dull your pain tonight.

kel said...

Hey, look on the bright side. At least you had hot boobs in high school. That you didn't have to pay for. I think.

Andi said...

SOOOO feelin' your pain! The summer I was pregnant with my daughter, our basement flooded not once but TWO times in a six-week period. That totally sucked because we had just barely repaired everything from the first time when it happened again. Ugh.

Hope your house gets back to normal soon.

The Hussy Housewife said...

LOL! Great happy days. Don't worry I believe you about the boobs. Somehow when we were growing up reading the babysitter's club books and watching 90210...becoming a grown up seemed much more fun.

I say we file a class action lawsuit on those who sold us a false dream of like.

Oh, my kids have been puking all this week to...so pass me the Lysol will ya?

J.Danger said...

oh man. That sucks. I can't even imagine. At least you put some up on your blog- I think your boobs were hot. And you needed new baby stuff anyone this time- CUZ ITS A GIRL.

Now go forth and shop!

Jennifer said...

Oh no--simultaneous sump pump failure and vomit? Not fair!!

Elisa said...

Oh no! That sucks. Man, I would pay big money to have photos of my boobs before kids. If I had known what they'd look after 2 pregnancies and nursing, I would have taken lots of photos of me topless.

Crap, did I just say that? Oh hell, it's the mention of the hot scandalous giveaway that's got me started.

Anissa Mayhew said...

HA! There has never been a more wonderful and appropriate time to have a baby shower, no?

To replace all the stuff you lost in the flood?

SWEEET!

I'm going to write up a post over the weekend and we'll have your baby shower all next week.

Gina said...

Oh - the sump pump. Same thing happened to us about a month ago. My husband bailed water for hours till we could get a plumber to our house. Sucks. Oh - and I tend to be a sympathy puker too. Hope the pukes are gone soon.

Asianmommy said...

So sorry you have to deal with this. Hopefully things will look better tomorrow.

Katie said...

I totally feel for you. Particularly because our basement in Swanton flooded when potential buyers were going through it. Go figure. Life sucks.

Threeboys1mommy said...

One word! Amazon wishlist! You need to click away and post the link <- over there! You'll have new baby stuff, beautiful pink baby stuff in no time ;-)

Traci said...

Oh no :(

I'm sorry.

Lisa-licious said...

You win for "having a bad day". I am so sorry for you. If you and Happy Hour Sue can team up and send me pictures, I will photoshop your head on her chest. Gravity and floods suck. Kahlua in your honor, my friend...this too shall pass.

Lisa-licious said...

You win for "having a bad day". I am so sorry for you. If you and Happy Hour Sue can team up and send me pictures, I will photoshop your head on her chest. Gravity and floods suck. Kahlua in your honor, my friend...this too shall pass.

Smores for Breakfast said...

omg. what a mess. i'm so sorry that happened to you. I had a flood in my apartment 5 years ago and I can totally sympathize. If you can get a dehumidifier that really helps. You really write nicely. I'll def be following!

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