Thursday, June 12, 2008

A slow news day.

What's bigger than the annual Corn Fest? Bigger than the semi annual Chicken Fest? What is so big, that it single handedly drew out the entire 2300 person population of my town?

Let me set the scene.

It was a hazy afternoon. The humidity was heavy, and the small town was sleepy in the summer heat. Half naked children were running unsupervised down the street, old men were riding their lawn mowers into town, and teenage girls were pushing their babies down the sidewalks as they talked on their cell phones.

Just then, for no good reason at all, the entire side of the town antique store plum collapsed! Bricks and dust littered the sidewalk.

Shock rocked the small town, even the mayor was flabbergasted. How could a two story brick building just up and collapse like that?

Well, I'll tell you one thing, we were all determined to find out. So much so, that all 2300 of us took our lawn chairs right up next to the yellow crime scene tape, and we all, collectively, sat there all evening discussing all the probable causes of such an event.

Could it have been an earthquake? Maybe Ohio is on some sort of super secret hidden fault line?

Maybe it was a terrorist, determined to make his statement by partially blowing up Bev's Antique Mall?

Perhaps it was one of those delinquent teenagers driving around with their trunks a rattlin' from the booming bass and the rap music and the vibration caused the walls to collapse?

We just couldn't come up with an answer we could all agree on, so we decided to take a break on the subject for dinner, and we all reflected on the day's events as we dined on KFC and Busch from our lawn chairs. While we were eating, the reigning Chicken Fest Queen showed up in her crown, and some people took pictures of her standing next to the rubble, but I think she is just an attention whore, with a focus on the whore part.

The darker it got, the thicker the mosquitoes got, so we all decided to head home, but I am sure we'll all be back there tomorrow, lawn chairs in hand.

That is, of course, unless something bigger happens, like a cow born with two tails, or the opening of another dollar store.


Fiesty Charlie said...

Love this post... It made me smile with memories of small town life after a hard day!


schwartz said...

dude...what the hell DID happen? How weird.

Ill bet it was the comunists. They are typically behind this kind of shit.
Damn reds.

ali said...

I was about to laugh but then I remembered my son in his overalls chasing a greased pig last year. Heh.

:: jozjozjoz :: said...


This is BIG NEWS!

*ogles the scene*

Natalie said...

awww...poor bev. but we thank you, brittany, because when news happens you are on the scene! thanks for the report.

Jan said...

This made me smile. I could just see the same thing happening here. Not the building collapsing, but peoples' reaction to it. There would just be a thousand less of us to ogle and wonder.

Not Just Any Jen said...

Holy Shit. Good thing you were there with your camera!

schwartz said...

Now this just came to me as I was reading your post again

'police are on the scene if ya know what I mean'

damn you Vanilla Ice. damn you. He continues to seamlessly seep into everyday events.