Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Boy Parts

In the spirit of potty training, I have decided that the toddler needs to accompany his daddy to all at home peeings. I mean, he needs to see this whole thing go down in person, not just mommy freaking him out with my fake hot dog wiener lecture series. It's creepy. For both of us. And the dog, because it's just a whole lot of me flashing a cold hot dog around between my legs and him trying to snatch it while I am mock using the potty. And, that's bad. A potty should be a safe place, not a place your wiener could get eaten off. Unless you are at a truck stop, but I'll save the glory hole sermon for another day.

Anyways, the husband is highly uncomfortable with this idea. He says he gets uneasy when people ogle his "junk."I am not sure how much ogling a 2 year old is really gonna do, so that whole argument is a little absurd.

Me: Listen, you need to man up on this one, babe.
Hub: Eh, it's feels weird.
Me: Um, there shouldn't be any feeling going on, he just needs to see how you stand up and pee pee in the potty.
Hub: Pass.
Me: Ok, what's the deal? Do you pee sitting down? Is that the problem? You pee like a girl? Because, now that I think of it, I haven't ever seen you pee, so you could totally pee like a little girl and I would have no idea.
Hub: I pee like a man!!
Hub: Alright, I'll take him with me next time.

So, once we settled that, I began to think about the whole concept of my little man seeing his daddy's enormous (ok, this was totally the compromise I made with hubby to allow this story to air, so humor me, it's enormous, there, I said it, moving on) naked big person penis for the first time, I realized...I am naked waaay too much around my kids.

Is that weird?

I mean, my parents were ok with naked.


It's ok to be ok with naked, right? When do I stop being ok with naked?

They don't seem to pay much attention to me, aside from poking me in the bottom or touching the 'ole tramp stamp, so I don't feel pervy about it...but I am assuming one day I will...

One day I will be the equivalent of seeing my mom naked.

How did this happen!?

I need to start doing 5000 sit ups every morning and make sure never to buy underwear that rises above my belly button.

Where is my Xanax?


Not Just Any Jen said...

A cold hot dog? Really? I find it hilarious that you have never seen your hubs pee. We are an openly naked family, I guess.

The family that showers together....or something like that. It is just easy doing the family shower thing, and really, standing "like Daddy" cinched the deal for my little guy.


Elizabeth Channel said...

Well, relish in the free-wheeling nakedness while you can, because before you know it, he'll be potty trained, asking you if the tee tee comes out of those "wires" you have down there. Next he'll come home from camp asking what boob and d**ck mean.

Just enjoy this happy, happy time...

kel said...

I soo wish I had your ability to trick my man into such situations. Maybe you should write a book. I'm buying....

Anonymous said...

I won't even shower naked!

Shannon said...

You crack me up!

I uderstand the whole naked situation. For me, there was just one day that I noticed that my son was looking at me a little differently...from then on, I sent them out of the room when I was getting dressed.

As for the whole peeing situation, you see that I'm still dealing with this! It'll happen - I promise!!

Aubrey said...

Oh, if only I could write like you. You are the BEST!
We too have a potty training toddler. When my Hubby is at work, I have to BEG my Teen to take Toddler in to watch how it "goes down". What a sissy he can be!
Also, my Hubby has issues with me walking around in my panties & tees in front of the kids. What gives???

Fiesty Charlie said...

My jaw hurts... from laughing at you running around with a hot dog between your legs... ummmm naked?

Good grief!

We have naked days at our house where clothes are optional...

Abbie loves it, but then she IS a 61 year old hippie trapped inside a 2.5 year old, who smoked way too much "herb" and thinks clothes are the "white mans" way of keeping a sister down!

Offer to "put out" every time your hubby takes the boy to the potty and see how fast that kid is potty trained... LOL

Mekhismom said...

As usual you have made me laugh. My husband takes our son with him to the bathroom. He said this is the only way that he will learn so hopefully it gets ingrained in his mind and my boy will be potty trained by 18 months. Okay, that might be pushing it but maybe 20.

The naked thing -I think when they become pre-teens it is a wrap. But who knows?

Swirl Girl said...

Damn- I had this great comment written and it disappeared.

Anyway- the gist was that kids have the amazing gift of seeing everything through rose colored glasses. Huge or not. Hubby should be cool with it.

and he should rent Big Daddy, the terrible Adam Sandler movie...not for any other reason but it's got some good dad and son bonding moments.

Politi Gal said...

Bibidi-Bobidi...awe shucks...well you get the idea! If you don't one day have a book deal I'll be one disappointed camper!

Your ability to create the most absurdly hilarious visuals in the reader's mind is just genius! Lucille Ball would have a hard time keeping up with the hilarity.

Wiener...glory hole...eaten...the nekkid parents paradox...I just can't stop laughing. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

So freaking funny! I just read your first paragraph aloud to my husband, we're cracking over here!

Walking With Scissors said...

I hope I didn't wake my family with all the muffled laughter. The weiner vs dog scenario just about made *me* pee like a man!

Emiline said...

Ahh! I don't know anything about potty training. I hadn't even thought about it. IS the dad supposed to show the boy how to do it? I guess they have to. The hot dog might confuse the lad.

I'm okay with being naked, and I think it's good to teach your kids the same. We should all be free and wild. Clothes take too much time, work and money. I don't know where I'm going with this.

Mommie Mayhem said...

LOL. Thank god I only have one more to potty train and his older brothers for lol. I think when they start asking question .. to much hard to answer question ...its time not to be so ok about being butt naked lol. But while the babies , its all good !! Love your blog !!

Average Girl In Average World said...

Having the toddler see Daddy go Big boy pee pee in the potty, is a must IMHO.

The best advice on potty training for me come from Dr. Phil - the man himself!!

We had a naked weekend. I went on Friday night, bought a small cake - to bribe a party with, made sure I had everything I would need for the weekend so there would be no trips in town, I put a shirt on him and that was it - all weekend. It worked, now he did poop on my beige carpet - but I was ahead of the game by having a shampooer right there (I tore his ass up also for shitting on my carpet...eeewww.) But by the end of the weekend, we were potty trained. And...he got a party for it.

Average Girl In Average World said...

Oh yeah, may the force be with you.......good luck

AJ said...

Potty training-I've gotten out the training potty for my son. He's 22 months. He just sits on it (only fully dressed) and sucks his thumb, and occasionally sticks his hand down his diaper. So he's got the man thing down, right? He only wants to sit on it when I'm sitting on the real potty though. I think we have a long way to go:)

Naked-my children like to run by and swat my boobs when I'm fresh out of the shower. Other than that, no biggie, but with one boy and one girl, where do you draw the lines with each?? They're almost 5 and 2, but I think that's still pretty young.

Jo-Jo said...

Ok, once I get the imagine of you trying to potty train your son with a hotdog wennie and stop laughing at the imagine of him trying to snatch it (BAAHAAHAAA) I can honestly say I am with you on the whole dad thing. I have told my hubby the same thing and my 10 year old step-son. They haven't done it yet. And I took a shower with my 2 year old the other day and was thinking, is he to old for this now? He didn't seem to mind but it gave me something to think about. Maybe it's time to pull the shower curtain.

Nap Warden said...

I wish I was a naked person...fact is, I'm just a prude. Husband is a total naked person...I need to chase him down to put boxers on. We do live in the city fer Chris'sake. People can see in our windows!

Anonymous said...

I am naked way too much. Luckily B is only 2 and Muirne is a girl so it's all good.

As far as the peeing thing goes he totally needs to see hubby peeing. Once B started to pee standing up it was a game and he was all over going potty, that and the diego potty seat for #2.

J.Danger said...

My hubby is just as uncomforatble as your hubby! He hates letting Oliver watch him pee, but monkey see monkey do (here's hoping). And I can only imagine the therapy required of your son from watching the family dog snap off your fake weiner!!!

Naked? I am naked all the time at home. The kids don't mind, only the husband minds. Backwards? Yes. Explainable? Not really. It is coming to an end though, as Tomas is old enough now to start asking questions and getting all freaked out.

JenniBeanV said...

Okay...so 2 things!

1. I taught my boys to pee sitting down first. Sit, point it down, and let 'er rip! We saved the standing and peeing until later...and I almost regret it because their aim continues to suuuuuck. Bah.

2. My boys all of a sudden find my body offensive. My favorite is when they barge into my bedroom while I am getting dressed and then exclaim in horror that they can see my butt. Uh...hello? Try knocking!

Candy said...

I think you stop being naked in front of them when it starts feeling weird to be naked in front of them. You'll know, trust me.

And I'd like your secret on avoiding seeing your husband pee. Because it's like a festival every time mine goes in the bathroom. Doors wide open, trumpets blaring...You're way ahead of the game.

HeatherW said...

I got nothin for you on this one...I am 29 and can barely get myself to the bathroom sometimes!!

The Mom said...

Boys are totally my hubby's dept. I want to see your tramp stamp...well not while you're naked, but you know, what does it look like?

Allison said...

Do you watch Weeds on Showtime?

I know, I know. You are a mom and busy, but this show is a must.

Anyway, there was an episode last week where her "coming of age" son started "scratching" it (his hot dog or whatever you want to call it). Turns out, he was using old nudie photos of his mom that he had found in an old box (no pun intended).

So, you know, just something to keep in mind. ;)

Brittany said...

Mekhismom...Wow, you are a supermom...I am way behind...and waaay lazier. You need to kick my butt.

Swirl...Soooo...is it terrible I thought Big daddy was hilarious!? I mean, that is my humor level..nice, huh?

Politigal...Ahhh...to be compared to Lucy is my life's dream...I would make out with you right now if you lived in the area.

Little House...HAHAHA! I love when the hubbies get on board!

Walking...LOL! You MUST give me lessons on that!

Emiline...Ok that last part was hilarious, and I agree, if I keep going with the whole hot dog thing, the kid will never eat one again!

Mommy Mayhem...What's up! You have been leaving me some sweet ass comments, and I ADORE you for them!!! And like you, the plan is to train the first one, then make him in charge of future training sessions.

Average Girl... I am doing this, I swear to God, I will email you after this weekend, if this works, you are a genius!

AJ...Yeah, we do a lot of casual potty sitting as well, and we like to put lots of things in the potty, but not so much pee or poop...we need to work on this.

JoJo...Don't say 2 is too old:( I will be sad, sometimes it's just easier to toss them in the shower with you.

Nap...Maybe YOU need to try Dr. Phil's naked weekend:)

KD...yeah, I think once he sees how cool peeing is, he will love it, but I can't squeeze urine out of a hotdog.

Danger...yeah, I gotta put the hot dogs away. And slap that silly hubby of yours, he should love having a naked wife!!!

Jenni...1. I thought of this, but then I thought why have to re-teach the peeing, so I wanted to start from the standing position. 2. um...you are pretty hot, so those boys should LOVE having such a hot mom!

Candy...Um, tell him his penis is hideous...i may have accidentally done that a few years ago. And it wasn't that HIS penis was hideous, but that ALL penis' are hideous.

Heather...Hey, I hear ya!

Jen...Oh I will totally take a picture, and I am dying to get my foot one, do you have anymore???

Allison...Um, yeah, some of us are too responsible to piss our time away watching tv. HELLO! Do you read my blog, i am a TV whore! But, alas i don't watch Weeds, but my bff is loaning me the first few seasons...I would die if that happened.

schwartz said...

What do you do with the hot dog after the pee pee show? Dog food? Lunch for two growing boys? Either way it may be a bit scarring I think.

And I see nothing wrong with nakedness in front of the kids, up until a certain point. I still have vivid memories of my dad walking around the house naked. *shudder*

Gwen said...

We're so down with naked it's not even funny. What's worse is the 4 year old will smack whatever bare butt she happens to see - I am afraid that comes directly from me!

I was so ROFL picturing the hot dog!

Katy said...

When they're 12 they will scream "MY EYES MY EYES" if they catch so much as a glimpse of you in your underwear. If you're naked they will gouge out their eyes with sharpened lego pieces.

I tagged you in the slim hope that you'd come up with more stuff so funny that I ruin my computer spitting red wine all over the screen while reading it. If you're interested, check out my blog. If you're not I will drown my sorrows in red wine - or tequila - whatever is in the liquor cabinet.

Bethany said...

I've been wondering about the whole nakedness thing myself. I mean my son is 5 and he kinda looks at me funny when I'm getting out of the shower... but I thought it was b/c he was thinking that my tata's look like cow teets? hmmph. Maybe 5 is too old?

And I'm in the same situation w/ potty training, but I've got a little girl to train... and she's not havin' it. The closest we got to doing something in the potty is when I got all excited and took her back when she said she had to poop, and little turd balls shot out of her pull-up into the potty seat? That totally counts, right?

Bethany said...

I've been wondering about the whole nakedness thing myself. I mean my son is 5 and he kinda looks at me funny when I'm getting out of the shower... but I thought it was b/c he was thinking that my tata's look like cow teets? hmmph. Maybe 5 is too old?

And I'm in the same situation w/ potty training, but I've got a little girl to train... and she's not havin' it. The closest we got to doing something in the potty is when I got all excited and took her back when she said she had to poop, and little turd balls shot out of her pull-up into the potty seat? That totally counts, right?

Allison said...


You will love Mary-Louise Parkers character. I'm hopeful that you will get it unlike Elizabeth Hasselskank who actually asked Mary Louise Parker on the View if she felt morally wrong for playing this character because she has her own kids.

Anyways...hope you likey!

Sandy C. said...

I haven't seen the hubbs pee either. Not sure why. I'm definitely going to razz him about peeing like a girl.

As for the kiddo and nakedness. I take my daughter with me to the bathroom. She now likes to ask about my boobs and hair. Starting to get u-n-c-o-m-f-o-r-t-a-b-l-e!

Small Town Frugal Mom said...

This is the first time I have come to the site...so so funny! I'm excited to read more! Thanks for making me laugh after a long day!! :)

Laura said...

My kiddos see me and the hubby naked all the time. I wouldn't worry... the last time I visited my parents I had a conversation with my mom while she was in the tub... naked.
I'm pretty certain I'm ok (thankfully I was NOT blessed with a photographic memory).

Mom Taxi Julie said...

When my girls were about 5 I was like please spare the kids your nakedness. My son is about 5 and I'm trying not to strut around towel-less too much now either.

Kelley said...

I want to know how he managed to go to the toilet WITHOUT a toddler cheering from the sidelines.

I don't think my husband and I ever got a minutes peace in the bathroom when our girls were little!

HappyHourSue said...

I stopped letting my girls see me naked when my 4 year old pointed at my boobs and said "mommy? Why are they lying down??" True story.

Raging Dad said...

I totally pee like a girl, in my own home. I just can't see dealing with the sprayage, and we ALL have sprayage. I'm not ashamed to say it; only savages and ne'er-do-wells pee standing up in private residences.
And we are both totally naked at home. A couple weeks ago in a restaurant, Michael announced to the entire dining area, "Dad, you know some boys have hair on their bums." Yes, some do.

LiteralDan said...

Tell your husband to bite the bullet and pee sitting down at least at home, if the kid's watching. I can't bring myself to do this on a public toilet, so the kid has to deal with it, but you definitely want to set the precedent that a kid should be sitting down. There's way less urine to wipe off the mirror that way.

And here's some food for thought-- when the kid pees on the roll of toilet paper, what do you clean it up with??