Thursday, July 31, 2008

Where's my wingman?

Ok, who was in charge of stopping me from cutting my bangs on a 3am...after 3 glasses of wine...when it's 500 degrees out?

I am pretty sure if was fucking you.

Don't you remember the last time this happened?

I was all,'s sooo hot, I'm going to cut my hair off like Natalie Portman in that Vendetta movie.

And you were all, Don't be a jack ass Brittany, you don't have the facial bones for that.

And then I was all, Bitch! Fine, I am cutting some bangs then so no one can see my greasy forehead.

Then you were all like, Brittany, we are in a fucking moving vehicle, at least wait until we get to the Waffle House so you can use their mirror.

And I got all, Fuck you, you are not the boss of me, I am cutting them at the next red light.

And then I did, and looked like Lloyd Christmas for 2 months until they grew back.

Remember that!?

So, where the crap were you last night?

I worked so hard to grow my bangs back out to well below my jawline to minimize my double chin, and now what?

There is a whole area where the hair is completely gone, and, I mean, it's not even a straight line...and I am pretty sure I used safety scissors.

My 3am bang drunk dial rule is no joke, folks. No. Joke.


Elisa said...

Wasn't there anyone to tell you "step away from the scissors?" or were they all afraid you were going to stab them with said scissors? Are you a mean drunk?

Ok, are you sober now? Because I am coming to get every single pair of scissors your have at home unless you pinkie swear to

Shannon said...

I feel your pain - mine was after the better part of a bottle of Belvedere....and I think I was going for the Loyd Christmas look. Bad, I simply say "Tanya would kill me! Tanya cuts my hair, not me!" I chant even! It has saved me a time or two.

Safety scissor? Maybe you need to return them and get your money back. You aren't safe with them around!

Emily said...

The good news: you cut long bangs, so there's some room to make improvements. It would be waaaaaay worse if you'd cut super short, eyebrow level or higher bangs.

kel said...

I think it's brilliant. It's "in" to have bangs that aren't cut straight. And in a little while, everyone who has bangs will be growing them out. At some point, their bangs will grow long enough to look like yours. So what you really did last night was foresee the next trend in bang-ism. YOU ARE SO HIP!!!!!!!

JenniBeanV said...

Come on over...I have a Flowbee, an instruction manual, and good intentions! I can fix that up for you in a jiffy!

Or you could just toss those bangs and rock 'em, girl! Pretend your on America's Top Model ad Tyra made you do it. Be fierce, or whatever.

Weith Kick said...

Why don't you go for the Dorothy Hamill look? Try and bring that look back. Or maybe the Farah Fawcett feathered look. I always liked that one. When all us fails, just do what Britney Spears did.

Nicole said...

Try doing that when you have naturally curly hair. I have done that so many times that I end up looking like a 2 yr old that got a hold the scissors!

J.Danger said...

Swear to God Brittany I was just talking to my husband about cutting my bangs again!

I think this was a sign...

Least I know who MY wingman is!

hahahahahaha! Sorry!

Emiline said...

Ha ha, Lloyd Christmas! That happened to me a couple of months ago, but it was the stylist that did it to me. I was going for Goldie Hawn...but yeah, definitely more like Lloyd.

It doesn't look bad. I don't think.

Mom Taxi Julie said...

At least they are bellow your eye brows. Mine, not so good. And I was sober.

Anonymous said...

It wasn't me girl! I would of wrestled you to the ground for those scissors. Especially if we were in route to some waffles, you know what I sayin'? Holla!

Mekhismom said...

No drinking and cutting Brittany! STAY AWAY FROM THE SCISSORS! Uh oh, too late. Had I been there I would have stood in for your wingman. Unfortunately for you I was not.

Use this as an opportunity to have a pamper day. Go to the salon and get a good cut, and a pedi. Hell, get a mani while you are at it.


AJ said...

Out of all the things you can do when you're drunk....this one ain't so bad:)

Anonymous said...

See at least you cut your OWN hair. When I was drunk and my hubby was druck I let him cut my hair. He was supposed to only cut 10 inches so I had enough to donate, but still enough that it would be about to my shoulder blades now. My bro was STU-pervising. 12.5" later and CROOKED my hairdresser had a cow when I saw her the next day. She was all "Umm I could have done it STRAIGHT." Well no shit sherlock, but then I wouldn't have this AWESOME story for my comment on Brittany's blog. So ya know it was all worth it. Oh and for the future, lock up all scissors before you drink. Don't forget the kitchen scissors. Those bitches are SHARP!

Jennifer said...

Well they're nice long bangs--not at all Lloyd Christmas-y! I think you can make them work!!

ali said...

There seriously needs to be a TLC Life Lesson figurine for this!

alanna rose said...

While not perfect - they are long enough to have fixed. But DO NOT fix them yourself!!!
Ken Paves had his hair extensions on HSN today... I'm just saying.

Jo-Jo said...

You could always go for that messy look and chop the rest of your hair like would be retro.

Brittany said...

Elisa...please come get them! I do not need to be in the position to try and even these bitches out.

Shannon...Hell no they aren't safe. My stylist is going to kill me.

Emily...Now I am stuck clipping them back all the time, which annoys me.

Kel...You know what, I AM hip! $100 says Heidi steals my look on the next Project Runway. She always steals my ideas.

Jenni...The makeover epi on ANTM is my FAVORITE! I love when they hack they hair off!

Weith...Oh I am totally going to feather it, good call!

Nicole...Yikes. Please dispose of all your scissors.

Danger...Hey, I got your back sweetie, you are NOT allowed to cut your bangs.

Emiline...Oh Goldie would have been hot!

Julie...Hahahaha, hats and hair clips sweetie:)

Threeboys...I will tell you what, your ass better be here next time.

Mekhismom...Good call, any excuse for a pedi!

AJ...True, good thing I didn't get a face tattoo of that bazooka wiener thing the other day!

KD...I love you because you put my entertainment before your hair. And that means a lot.

Jennifer...Yes, thankfully, I did not repeat the Lloyd Christmas bangs I had in the past. I need to learn this lesson.

Ali...I KNOW! NEVER cut your own bangs. EVER!

Alanna...Oh I would love me some fake Jessica Simpson hair!

JoJo...My husband would leave me...then who would do the laundry?

Shelly... said...

Hmmm... The last time I had bangs I told myself and my husband NEVER again. I feel for you but I bet you still look cute! And please come to Vegas anytime. We can go out drinking and be each other's wingmen when we get crazy ideas!

Swirl Girl said...

Seek professional help. Not for the bangs, but for the trimming while drinking.

Hope you didnt' do the the 'landscape' too! Ouch.

Average Girl In Average World said...

Well, you left them long. See, if you had a cowlick - that would be funny, but I would NEVER laugh at you.........ok, maybe if I was drunk I would.

Dejoni said...

I think I need to come to your house to do an intervention.
I do recommend waxing while drinking...takes the edge off....but don't do the may end up looking a little "surprised".

The Offended Blogger said...

Uh oh you better just pull a *ahem* Britany and shave your whole head now!

No, seriously, do it. And remember to take pics!! :p

Anissa@Hope4Peyton said...

I'm going to go ahead and click on your ads so that you get some cashola that will make possible a haircut from someone not 5 glasses into a bottle of Wild Turkey.

And that does not include anyone at SuperCuts.

Brittany said...

Shelly...Roll out the fold out bed sweetie, mama is coming!

Swirl...Um no, thankfully we leave that up to the waxing gods.

Average Girl...I think cowlick is the funniest hair word ever.

Dejoni...If you come over, bring your scissors...mine are now missing.

Offended Blogger...I would if my head was a cute shape, but i think it is slanted funny.

Anissa...HAHAHAHA! thanks, no more Walmart haircuts for me!!!

Gwen said...

If I could only count the number of times that's happened in my house - hubby walks into the bathroom and sees me at the sink with scissors poised directly over my eyes "Sweetie... put. the. scissors.... down." **snip** "Oh crap."

I usually cry and bitch at him afterwards. At least once a year.

The Mom said...

Hmm...I hope you like hats.

Judy @ No Fear Entertaining said...

Oh Brittany...what happens to you after dark??? I just instituted the no scissor rule around here (for different reasons of course) but you need to have one for yourself!!!

They'll grow back!

Fiesty Charlie said...

Sorry, all I can think of to say is:

1. Still completely sexy, in that "one eye peeking out at you, to make you think I am a serial killer, lesbian chic flick way"

2. Ummm... you missed a spot.. there is one whole section that is longer than the other... did you notice that?

3. Still sexy, no matter what!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

I have no excuse for not being there at 3am to put a stop to your drunken sillyness. I also have no excuse for not having you on my blog roll. Well, at least I an remedy the latter!

Anonymous said...

At least you can cut your hair. I made a bet with the BF that I won't cut my hair for a year. Other than a trim. You know damn well that Jonnika is going to convince me to cut it at some point. Either her or Harvest. I have no will power when it comes to those two!

I'm sure you'll do something totally cute with your new bangs!

Anissa@Hope4Peyton said...

You got tagged on my site because you ALWAYS make me laugh! Head over and pick up your award, you funny-dirty girl.

Rachel said...

Well, now I know not to get bangs!

Seriously, I bet trimmed with proper scissors (KEEP AWAY FROM THE SAFETIES!) it will be cute! You may end up looking like a blonde Natalie Portman after all!

Brittany said...

It's SO not that bad. I was picturing a Rosario Dawson in Death Proof disaster. Those bangs will be long in no time and until then, you've added some "texture" (don't I sound like a gay hairdresser?)

Seriously tho- you're still hot.

I'd totally do you.

LiteralDan said...

Don't feel too bad-- I do stuff like this to myself all the time, and alcohol is not even involved. I'm just a fucking idiot.

Lori said...

So sorry I wasn't your wingman!!! I'd feel absolutely horrible if your drunk bang cutting turned out to look like Lloyd Christmas. But I would've helped you find a nice orange tux to match the bangs!! Hell, maybe I'd even make my hair into a messy mop like Harry Dunne, just to help ya out!

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

Hey like everyone else said, at least they're long--you can pin 'em back!

Emiline said... stumbled me. Thank you!

I don't have Stumbleupon. I guess I should get it.

momjeansblogger said...

Sorry for the bad judgement on the hair. I should have been there with you to put an end to your behavior. But then again, I would have been 3 glasses of wine deep too and would have cut it myself.

Brittany said...

Gwen...HAHA! I know, I wish my hubby would have stopped me!

Jen...I do, hats and bobby pins for me the next two months.

Judy...I don't know, i have issues I think.

Charlie...Um thanks, I will so be auditioning for a role in the next serial killer lesbian chic flick, and yes...I am very aware I missed a section.

Nanny...Dude, I just got your ass on mine, so now we are even! WOOT!

Dreaded...I am also not cutting my hair know...unless I accidentally do it at 3am.

Anissa...I LOVE YA GIRL! Seriously, those memes are hard to come up with answers for:)

Rachel...I am seeking stylist help on Monday...we will see:)

Brittany...God love ya, and you are soooo a gay hairdresser with that texture Kevin Bacon in Beauty Shop.

Dan...HAHAHAHA! We would be best friends!

Lori...OMG, we could totally have a cane fight!

Lisa...Agreed, I am so pinning them pback, and I need to STOP trying to even them out...things are getting worse.

Emiline...LIke I said on your site, you are SO welcome:) Sign up for it and we can stumble each other all day long:)

Momjeans...COOLEST NAME EVER! And thank you, you have supplied me with the best, most honest answer. Truth is, I we would both be too drunk:)

Heather said...

Mine finally grew in and I am NOT cutting them again! Now my cowlick can fuck off cuz I'm parting my hair in the center. So there.

flickrlovr from said...

I, for one, think those bangers are HAWT. They make you look rough and high fashion and mysterious.